Nicole T.

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Rejection is present in everyone's life. It is very hard to recieve rejection from anyone, even people who you may have rejected yourself. I have woken up from my lifetime coma and am more present in my life. In being so more awake, I've begun to reach out to more people. In many cases, the results have been very good. I've reconnected with my best friend from New Jersey, talking to her regularly and making plans to spend time with her. I also have new friends from OH and am trying to meet new people from other places. That is where the most rejection is coming from (new places, not OH). I've kinda gotten addicted a bit to Facebook, which at first annoyed the crap outta me. But now I've tried to friend a couple people who do not want to be my friend on Facebook. I do not know what I did to them to not want to be my friend but it sure hurts my feelings. I feel sometimes like I need to hide myself, like a wounded animal but then I think, why am I giving them so much power? There are people who really want to be my friend, who show me care and affection. I should be focusing on the positive and just experience then accept the negative and move on with my life. You can not make everyone happy and they do not know the new me. If they did, they would realize their mistake. Ultimately it is their mistake, not mine. I am available and want to be anyone's friend. If they do not want to do the same, that is their choice. Facebook isn't the only place I've experienced rejection but it's been on my mind and I wanted to just write it out in hopes I can leave it behind.

I don't want rejection to change me for the negative. I want to keep putting myself out there and accept that not all people will take what I have to give. I also need to look at how I am approaching people. Am I coming across desperate or needy? That is a definite turn off. I know it turns me off. Am I doing it for the right reasons or do I just want someone to tell me I am ok. I have to feel that for myself, not expect someone to tell me I am ok.

Nicole, you are ok.

Wish I could feel that.

I hope a couple of you can make it for the first meeting. I think we all need as much support as possible and meeting is a very good step. If you have any suggestions for what you would like to see covered topic wise, let me know. Thanks!

I am very happy to report I have done the training and my group is now up and running. I am so happy bout that. Things are tough in my personal life right now so I really need to focus on the good stuff that is going on and this is it. I saw my surgeon, Dr. Steele yesterday. she said I am looking great but wants me to visit her shrink. I will do that, if it might help me.

I am very excited and anxious about my meeting today. I hope more than me shows up and i hope people feel like they will get something out of it. considering i am not eating right and my weight loss has halted, i need this more than anyone. 'sigh' i bought a ton of food at 7-11 today so i am going to gorge myself again today. not sure what that is about but hopefully i'll figure it out.

my acupuncturist suggested something to do in the morning to see if that helps stir things up. I get up and i write three pages stream of consciousness. I can not go back and edit or fix anything. i just write until i fill three pages. i've done that two days now. i'm thinking this might take awhile!

So I am biting the bullet and starting a Harford County group. I am excited and scared. Hopefully enough people will come that it will be fruitful for everyone. I will read up on the materials that were given to me for the training as preparation. I am really looking forward to this. I want to do things like this for a living so I am excited that I am able to take the initiative.

Wish me luck or just come to the meeting ;)

I haven't been here for awhile. For two weeks, I was very depressed and ate myself to 8 lbs heavier. Finally last Saturday I put my foot down and have been doing great, besides the too many prunes incident. I've lost all the weight I gained but a half pound. I have to admit to being very happy with myself and grateful I can still lose like that. I am only 30.1 lbs away from 199.9 lbs. I accidentally posted on the Maryland Board 299! I so want to be under 200 pounds. I am going to do it. I've been doing really well this week, fighting off a couple temptations. Next week, I am sure it will be a hard test but I want to succeed so badly. I have new rules:

1. No bread, rice, potatoes, corn, sugar, wheat or gluten free flour, artificial sweeteners.
2. Ok to eat in moderation: fruit, honey, oatmeal
3. Minimum of eight glasses of clear water each day
4. All my vits every day
5. Starting on monday, exercise 3 days during the week and one day on the weekend.

I realized trying to work out five days a week wasn't happening for me. Maybe one day it will but not now. I plan on doing the yoga class at bally's on Sunday's and swim there on wednesdays. Monday and thursday will be exercise at my work gym. Sound like a plan? It sure does.

I am also going to become an OH group leader. Unfortunately I missed the first training sessions so I'll have to wait but I printed out all the training material and will spend time over the next week or so reading it. There is over 50 pages of reading! I am planning on having my first OH meeting March 11th at the Abingdon Branch Library. I have to go there to get another card and pay off the bill and reserve the room. I will get that done on the weekend and post on the Maryland Board on Monday.

I am also going to start school in the summertime. I am waiting to hear about doing an internship and the baltimore crisis center. I am not sure what to expect on that but I will be able to do it and work at the same time. I am very excited about this. I want to become a social worker. I hope that I can make it!

So for the longest time, I have struggled with doing the right thing. Eating, exercise, cleaning, work ethic etc. If you read my last post, I talked about how my eating carbs has negatively impacted my relationship with my husband. So I decided to go back off the carbs. At first, I was able to stick to it fairly easily. Meaning, I had a day without struggling to stay on track. Friday I was doing well during the day but during the end of the day, I got a little down, wondering about the weekend. Weekends are tough for me. Too much time to plan for. So I started to want to not swim and eat and drink when I got home. So I noticed that I all the sudden wanted to do something distructive to myself. So I realized that if I gave into the urge, nothing would ever change. I need to do the right thing when it's hard, not just when it is easy. So I literally fought with myself all the way home but finally did do the right thing. I can't tell you how proud I was of myself. It was probably the first time I did that when the urge was so strong. Throughout the weekend, I had other times to overcome and only briefly did I eat the wrong thing. The good thing is I jumped right back on things and it didn't derail what I was doing. I saw the scale go down yesterday so that inspired me to keep pushing on. I know I will screw up on occasion but as long as those screw ups are small and few, things will work out fine. I want to succeed at this so badly so I can have the full life I deserve. I want to go back to school and become a therapist. That requires a strong mind and body.

I have known my husband since November of 2005. I was 340 pounds then and very unhealthy. He knew about my problems but I don't think he fully understood the depth of them. Now he knows and it's very hard for him to bear it. He has not hid his feelings recently and made it known that certain behaviors are not ok. It took him a long time to be honest with me, which I think made things worse. Maybe he thought the surgery would solve all the problems but it did not.

The latest thing is the smell that is generated by my ass when I eat carbohydrates. Yesterday it was so bad, apparently he could smell my farts when he walked in the door. I was upstairs so the smell had to travel. I guess I thought as long as I sprayed afterwards it would be fine but apparently it is not. This is not the first time he's noticed my smell and it really grosses him out. Unless I only ate protein and veggies (non starch), I have gas. But when I eat carb dense foods, it gets really bad. I also have to go alot more and that of course smells. I have decided to look at this not as someone who feels like her husband is insensitive but as someone who knows it's wrong and needs to make a change. I can't keep living in denial. If my husband was the same way, it would bother me. I probably wouldn't be as rude as he is but maybe that is what I need. Sometimes a slap in the face is very effective.

Today I've been eating better and plan on coming up w/ a food plan for two weeks that is extremely low carb to get me out of the carb cycle and to get my body to stop producing such horrible smells! Wish me luck.

Well I got my review from work finally. It was basically a needs improvement score. I have not impressed my new employers at all. I am sad about this because I know most of it is my fault. The health issues i've had have also made it worse. They noted that I used all my accrued leave and saw that as a negative. I am not considered dependable. I hope that I can improve. I want to keep this job very much until i've figured out how I am going to transition to another type of job. It will take lots of work beforehand and i need the money. I am going to move forward with a positive attitude. I will try harder to focus and not waste time. right now i don't really have work but hopefully soon I can prove myself. Keep your fingers crossed!

I just applied to become a support group leader. Hopefully they will accept my application. One of the questions was how compliant are you. It was hard to answer that question without worrying if they would reject me cuz of my struggles. I don't intentionally do the wrong thing. it's more a self love or lack thereof issue. I'm realizing there are no mandates that work for me. I have to take each day, each hour, and try to work through my feelings. something that is painfully clear is I have to get back on track with my exercise. that will help so much. I have to cook tonight but tomorrow I will go swimming.

YOU CAN DO IT NICOLE!!!!!