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First of all, I know everybody is different.  There is no need to remind me.

I have only lost 26 pounds in 6 weeks.  Yes, that's more than what I did before WLS, but after having my guts rearranged, I feel like I should already be hitting close to a 40 pound loss.  I can't even seem to hit 30 pounds!   I actually had a 2 pound GAIN this week.  

Here's what I think I'm doing wrong.

#1:  I haven't been drinking my protein shakes everyday.  I will change that effective immediately.
#2:  I haven't been exercising religiously.  I will also change that immediately.
#3:  I have been experimenting with new foods, a lot of which have a lot of carbs.  I have been eating grapes nearly every day.  I have started eating whole wheat crackers, and I have had a couple of ounces of Mac and Cheese this week.  I will be keeping better watch of what goes in from now on.

Here's what I've learned:

My body does not have the same violent reactions to food that I read so many people having.  I guess on one hand that is lucky, but on the other, it's a curse.  It means that I have to step up and be in control a lot sooner than most other people.  I can eat pretty much whatever I put in my mouth so far.  I've even taken a few very small tastes of chocolate (I mean very small). 

I keep telling myself I can get enough protein in through my food, but that's clearly not the case.  Everyone says that you won't get the weight loss you want unless you are taking the protein shakes.  So, I will make that a priority from now on.  

So, here I sit, 6 weeks out, with a loss of only 26 pounds.  My goal is to be down 45 pounds by the time I hit the 3 month mark.  I think that is doable.

My 12th wedding anniversary is 2/21.  I would like to be as close to 200 lbs as possible.  I know that a goal of 75 lbs in 3 months is a bit lofty, especially with the slow weight loss I've charted so far, but I am going to step up my game.

Off I go to exercise, then have a protein shake!

Peace, love and weight loss!
K

 

I've been avoiding this site for some reason since I had surgery.  Not consciously, but I think I've been trying to wrap my mind around everything that's going on with me post-surgery.

I'm not complaining at all.  I've had a really easy time of it so far.  I think that scares me because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I've been on purees since Thanksgiving, and so far, I've not had any adverse food reactions.  I've eaten some things that made me feel weird or kind of bad, but not the "dumping" that I expected.  My biggest issue right now is I'm bored with purees.  I can't eat another egg, and everything else either sucks or gives me the gag reflex.  I've found a few dishes I like, but it's hard.  

I feel like I can eat more than the 2 ounces of food I'm supposed to be able to eat.  I feel like I could be close to doubling that, and that scares me!  I don't want to be stretched out already!

I've lost approximately 20 pounds so far, and I see NO difference at ALL!  That REALLY REALLY upsets me.  My clothes don't feel any differently, which is baffling.  Where is the weight coming off if my clothes are all the same "tight" they were before surgery.  I don't understand this at all.  I can't grasp how much weight I have to lose before my clothes start to feel loose.  FRUSTRATING beyond compare!!

Other than that, I'm eating well, and healing really well. 

I don't really feel all that different.  It's strange.  I guess it takes a while to feel like a "new" me.  I'll be patient and see what happens.

::sigh:: 

 

This time next week, I hope to be in recovery and taking my first walk of pain.  I'm really excited about the new me that will emerge from this, but I'm also terrified of what she will be like.

I eat my emotions.  I eat and eat and eat my emotions.  Whenever I feel something unpleasant, fear, anger, boredom, stress, worry, depression, whatever, I eat random foods that make me feel better.  I have a CVS in my building, so when I get upset at work, which is frequent, I stroll down to the candy aisle and suck down a WHOLE 1 lb. bag of M&Ms, or something like it.  It makes me feel "better" and then I feel my ass spreading and I get more depressed.

I battle 2 things:  1.  I'm too lazy to plan out and make healthy meals.  I'm currently working on this becaues I've realized that it is truly the mark of success.  Everyone I talk to says you have to plan ahead and make things you will enjoy eating.  Otherwise, you set yourself up for failure.  2.  I eat my emotions, and I'm an emotional person.  So I eat a lot.  I have read that there are some coping techniques for this, but again, I can't see me sitting down to journal or blog every time I feel emotional.  It just won't work for me.  I need to find something, and soon.  If I feel an emotional roller coaster post-op, what will I do?

I need to stop identifying myself with food. 

It must be done.
 

Here I am!  10 days out from surgery, and the nerves are in high gear.  I'm very worried and stressed.

I think the emotions and thoughts I'm dealing with are probably typical.  #1 I'm afraid of dying on the operating table or from a stupid complication that nobody predicted.  #2 I'm afraid I'll get this done and then fail because I won't stick to the plan. #3 I'm TERRIFIED of being sick to my stomach every time I put something in my mouth (from reading other posts).

To respond to my own fears:

#1  The doctors have and will take every precaution to ensure nothing goes wrong.  It's not my time.  I have a beautiful 5 year old to raise, and she needs me.

#2.  I will not fail because I am having my anatomy restructured and will not let that go to waste.  I quit smoking, and I will quit depending on food for comfort.

#3.  Everybody is different.  I can't predict how my body will react, but I can be prepared for the possibilities.

Every day I get closer to the surgery, the more emotional I become.  I am basically an emotional puddle right now.

I keep trying to look at before and after pics to remind myself that each of those people who have made such amazing progress started just like me. 

I can find hope in the abyss.  I can do this!

 

I'm now 13 days away from my surgery.  The time seems to be ticking by quickly, but not quickly enough.  :)  I'm making a million lists of all the things I need to get done before I leave work, for family, and for myself.  I feel like I'm doing all kinds of preparation, but I'm not really prepared.

I have not lost weight, and I'm going for my pre-op on Thursday.  During my whole insurance fiasco, I had given up hope and ate my emotions as usual.  I put on about 5 or 6 pounds since my first meeting with Dr. Mo.  I think he's going to be mad, but I am praying he doesn't cancel my surgery.  I guess I'l see in a few days.

I feel like there is so much to do, but I can't quite wrap my mind around what it is!  :)  Yes, I'm freaking out.  I know once I calm down, I'll get it all sorted out in my head.

I've been testing protein shakes and different brands of mulitvitamins.  I have so many vitamins I almost don't know what to do with them all.  I don't like about 2/3rds of them.

Emotionally, things are getting weird.  I'm at peace with my decision.  I'm scared to die on the surgery table or from some massive complication, but I have a sense of peace that I'm actually going to be OK.  I'm having all those "what if" thoughts and wondering if I should do things as if I am going to die.  But I don't think I will die.  I'm praying that God will be in my corner on this, and I'm really praying he will see that my little girl needs me!

I will be taking before and after pictures and measurements soon.  I'm trying to wait until the weekend just before the surgery. 

November 16 will be here and gone before I know it.

To be honest, I'm excited for the surgery, but I'm really looking forward to watching the Season 1 DVD set of Trueblood that I bought for my recovery!  :)
 

I'm now less than 30 days out, having just received my surgery date last week!  I've avoided telling most people.  I'd say only a handful know so far, but those who know have had some interesting reactions!

While I was going through the denial/appeal process with my insurance co., one of my coworkers (the only one I've told) was very supportive and trying to talk me up.  When I told her I got approved, her reaction to me changed.  She started saying things like "oh I guess I better start dieting right now so when you come back I will look smaller too.  Since you have more to lose, it will take you longer."  Um, yeah.  Wow.

My best friend doesn't want me to have the surgery.  He thinks I should stay exactly how I am.

My husband is already dreaming of my body post PLASTIC SURGERY and has been discussing breast implant sizes.

My brother didn't think I needed to get this done because it's only for "really big people."  Ugh, really?  My brother is 6'1" tall and weighs 250 lbs.  I'm 5'2" tall and weight 275 lbs.  He's such an ass.  :)  Then he started talking to me like I'm dying.  He started apologizing for being a bad brother and telling me he LOVES me!  (note:  my brother never EVER says "I love you.")  That freaked me the hell out.

I haven't told my daughter yet about the surgery because she's 5 and will start to stress too early.  I don't want her going to bed every night thinking she's going to wake up to me being in the hospital.

I told my client that I was going to be out, and I didn't tell him why.  He just told me to take care of myself.  I'm very lucky that I will get 3 weeks at home on disability and then I'll work from home for the rest of the year.  I really hope to return to work in January looking a lot different.  From what I'm reading, most people lose about 30-50 lbs in the first 2 months.  I hope I can come back to work in January closer to 230 or even 220!  That would be nice!

I'm trying to picture me under 200 lbs.  I remember being about 180 at my wedding 12 years ago, and I was fat even then.  I am setting my goal at 135 lbs, but I secretly want to be closer to about 115-120.  I guess it depends on how I start to look in those lower digits.

I had basically given up during my month long fight wth the insurance company.  Now I'm starting over again on the dieting portion.  I gained 5 lbs in depression and stress eating.  I'm trying to make up for that now.  I don't want to go back to the surgeon for my pre-op on Nov 5 and get yelled at.

Just yesterday I posted that I was waiting for Aetna to decide my final appeal.

I got the letter last night saying they overturned their original decision and will cover the surgery! 

I'm so excited I can barely sit still.

Oh, and now I'm scared for the first time too!

More later....

A month ago I posted that I was concerned that my file was submitted too soon with incomplete information.  My fears were justified, and my claim was denied.  My surgeon's office did an initial appeal, which was also denied.  I have since written a letter to my insurance company and some other unrelated documents were submitted in the hopes that they will change their minds.

My second appeal was entered into the system on 1 October, and they have 30 days to make a decision.

If they deny me this time, for no good reason other than their initial request was tainted by an incompetent office worker, I am afraid I will lose my spirit that I've worked so hard to build up.

Since my denial, I've stepped away from nearly everything that I was focusing on.  All my books and blogs and vitamins are just sitting in a corner because I can't face them.  I've invested so much, financially and emotionally, that I think I might break under the disappointment.

So here, I sit, waiting for the outcome of the final appeal.  Until I hear from them, I'm just in denial.

I just called my surgeon's office to check my "status" because tonight is my final exercise class in my multidisciplinary program.  I wanted to make sure there wouldn't be anything else I'd have to do after tonight.  According to her, she's already submitted it.

OK, that either means that I'm guaranteed disapproval because I haven't completed the necessary steps, or it means that they have forged my file.  Hmm.  Not really sure what to do about this except maybe to sit and wait?  If I get denied, will I be able to appeal based on surgeon's office stupidity? 

I'm on edge all of a sudden because I wasn't really prepared for the answer I got when I called.  All I know is that it "was submitted to the insurance company."  When?  How long ago?  When do I hear back from them?  Shit!  This is going to make me mental.

I want to be ready, but I'm not sure if I am or not!  I just had myself convinced that it would be late November or December before anything would happen.  Now I'm hearing that my fate is already resting in the hands of a grumpy insurance company.

I need to stay positive.  I need to keep my resolve.

I NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT THE INSURANCE COMPANY HAS!!

After spending a year on Jenny Craig and working out with a trainer, I only lost 40 lbs.  Considering I've gained all that 40 lbs back, "only" seems like such an inappropriate word.  But for me, only losing 40 lbs after being THAT dedicated and hard core was disheartening and the reason for the regain.  Everyone (who is skinny) always says "just eat less and move more."  Wow, yeah, that's genius.  Except that's what I did, and I didn't really wake up one morning and think "SUCCESS!  I'm skinny!"  Instead, I found myself losing motivation and falling into a depression.

I always get that "you'd be so pretty if you lost weight."  My husband told me a year after we had our daughter that he had never been attracted to me.  Subsequently, I met a man who became my best friend and (I thought) soul mate.  He seemed to accept me for who I was and how I looked, which gave me the courage to do things better.  Then he cheated on me, numerous times, with other women online.  Of course I confronted him about it, and his response was that he'd be happy and faithful if I just lost some weight.  Please understand the context here:  he's overweight and chases chubby girls.  So he used the one thing that would damage me the most as his distraction away from his own shortcomings.

So I woke up one day, a few weeks ago, and decided it's time I take back my life.  I want to prove to everyone that I CAN be skinny, and that they DON'T deserve to have me when I am.

My little girl, who is 5 now, told me the other day that she loves me just the way I am. She's my angel, and I've never been so proud to be her Mommy.  Knowing that she will love me, no matter what I do, gives me the strength and the permission to love myself too.

So this month, I meet with the psychiatrist, the surgeon, and the dietician.  It all seems so fast, but yet so far away.  I'm not really sure what will happen in the coming months, but I want it to happen.  I want to be a smaller version of me.  I want to match on the outside what I am on the inside.