Taking the Steps

Jul 01, 2009

After spending a year on Jenny Craig and working out with a trainer, I only lost 40 lbs.  Considering I've gained all that 40 lbs back, "only" seems like such an inappropriate word.  But for me, only losing 40 lbs after being THAT dedicated and hard core was disheartening and the reason for the regain.  Everyone (who is skinny) always says "just eat less and move more."  Wow, yeah, that's genius.  Except that's what I did, and I didn't really wake up one morning and think "SUCCESS!  I'm skinny!"  Instead, I found myself losing motivation and falling into a depression.

I always get that "you'd be so pretty if you lost weight."  My husband told me a year after we had our daughter that he had never been attracted to me.  Subsequently, I met a man who became my best friend and (I thought) soul mate.  He seemed to accept me for who I was and how I looked, which gave me the courage to do things better.  Then he cheated on me, numerous times, with other women online.  Of course I confronted him about it, and his response was that he'd be happy and faithful if I just lost some weight.  Please understand the context here:  he's overweight and chases chubby girls.  So he used the one thing that would damage me the most as his distraction away from his own shortcomings.

So I woke up one day, a few weeks ago, and decided it's time I take back my life.  I want to prove to everyone that I CAN be skinny, and that they DON'T deserve to have me when I am.

My little girl, who is 5 now, told me the other day that she loves me just the way I am. She's my angel, and I've never been so proud to be her Mommy.  Knowing that she will love me, no matter what I do, gives me the strength and the permission to love myself too.

So this month, I meet with the psychiatrist, the surgeon, and the dietician.  It all seems so fast, but yet so far away.  I'm not really sure what will happen in the coming months, but I want it to happen.  I want to be a smaller version of me.  I want to match on the outside what I am on the inside.

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