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I’m not quite sure what’s been going on with me these past few weeks, but I’m a hot mess!  If anyone who knows me were to describe me they would tell you that I’m not an emotional person, especially around others.  Sure I get angry or happy but I don’t let sensitive type emotions show, I don’t get emotionally upset about things.  I usually get pissed and move on.  NOPE, not lately!  Lately I want to freaking cry all the time.  I am literally fighting tears right now.  When something happens that upsets me, I dwell on it instead of letting it go.  GRRRRRR……No my life isn’t perfect and yes I have stress that adds to it.  But I seriously can’t stand this overly sensitive crap that’s going on.  People are actually hurting my feelings with the stupid things they are doing or saying.  The same crap they were doing or saying a month ago now makes me want to cry and quit my job.  I’ve read that as we lose fat, hormones (or some other crap that makes us mushy) is released.  Reading and experiencing are totally different, so I need to know how long this is going to go on and if there is a way to stop it.  I don’t even want to be around myself right now.  I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.

-          I’m not happy with my weight loss but I’m not upset with it either…I’m worried I will never make it to goal.  It’s just so damn far away…I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel

-          I’m sick of people wanting to know how much I’ve lost and when I’m going to buy smaller clothes.  LEAVE ME ALONE!!

-          I’m so fearful of failing at this that I don’t eat nearly enough.  I’ve never been good at accepting failure or defeat and this seems to be the worst yet.  Every time I see food I’m scared of failure.

-          My potassium levels are scaring the bejevus outta me to the point I’m afraid to get my heart rate up at all.  It’s serious enough that they want to do infusions now!  WTF!!!

-          My hair is falling out and there’s nothing I can do about it, but embrace it….yeah right embrace my impending baldness!

-          I don’t fit into hardly any of my massive amounts of clothes anymore…sure some would be happy about this…but me, I want to cry cause I only have clothes that make me look more of a hot mess than I already am.

-          I was offered a promotion at work only to have it given to someone else because my boss feared people would accuse him of favoritism…are you f'ing kidding me?!?!

 

I want my I don’t give a shit attitude back.  I miss it.  Emotions freaking suck and blow fat whale ass.

 

Am I alone in all this craziness of mixed emotions that I can’t tell up from down?  I sure as hell hope not cause that would mean I’m actually looney! 

Oh my goodness, how I wish I knew then what I know now.  I started taking 20meq of potassium twice a day last Sunday and by Wednesday morning I was violently ill.  Naseous, intense intestinal pain, diarrhea like I've never experienced, the sweats, shaking, pale or greenish color to my skin...just awful.  All of this was due to the potassium.  The bottle said to take with plenty of food and water...uh....I don't have much of a tummy left...so I took it with half a container of apple sauce (to get the gigantic pills down).  By then I was full and couldn't eat anything else...yep that's how my intestines got torn up!  Oh let me not forget to say that I didn't eat for 2 days during this due to the horrible way I felt.  Once I called my surgeon's office they took me off the potassium immediately.  It took a little over 48 hours to feel like myself again and start wanting to eat.  Now, I'm just worried about how we are going to get this potassium into my body...grrrr!

I’m a week away from my 2 month mark.  Although my progress thus far has been great, I can’t wrap my head completely around the stall I’m going through.  I have so many internal struggles currently and am trying to figure them out.  I can eat anything I want to and I hate that.  I am trying to stick to my healthy choices and protein first, but it’s not always that easy.  I would post this in the VSG forum, but I’m sure I’d get backlash for having such a major surgery and not sticking to the program like I’m supposed to.  Although this is easier than before surgery, it’s not EASY by a long shot.  I know how to make this work, but I miss my favorite snacks.  I am a carb addict and I want my carbs.  I think for the first time in my life I understand (minimally) what an alcoholic or drug addict goes through.  When I indulge in bread or crackers or cookies I get a sensation of satisfaction that fills my body.  Every crunch is tantalizing and every taste is stimulating…yep I’m an addict.  Maybe I do get some kind of high out of carbs that I never realized I did.  Well, enough about crackers and cookies because now I’m going to shove salmon in my face at 9am so that I don’t go to the vending machine and get cheeze its. 

As for my progress thus far:

My labs suck to high hell!  I was horrible at taking pills before surgery and am even worse now that I can’t use soda.  ***News Flash this just in.  While writing this I decided to take my Potassium and Actigal (pills the size of my head).  I put the whole capsule in applesauce and swallowed it without a problem!  AMEN!!!! We now return to our regularly scheduled rant***

                                                Normal Ranges                 My Values

Potassium                           3.5 – 5.2                                     3

Iron                                        65 – 150                                     27

B1                                           66.5 – 200                                 57

B12                                         200 – 600                                 236

D                                             25 – 130                                   27.2                    

 

 

Vitamin K – Potassium

Main functions in a nutshell:

       Coenzyme for a vitamin K-dependent carboxylase

       Blood coagulation

       Bone metabolism

Vitamin K is essential for:

       the formation of prothrombin (a blood clotting biochemical),

       the calcification and mineralization of bones, and

       assisting in converting glucose to glycogen.

        

Vitamin B1

Main functions in a nutshell:

       Co-enzyme in energy metabolism

       Co-enzyme for pentose metabolism as a basis for nucleic acids

       Nerve impulse conduction and muscle action

Vitamin B1 is important for:

       detoxification;

       heart function;

       improving the mental state;

       promoting growth;

       toning muscles of the intestines, stomach, and heart; and

       the overall health of the nervous system.

        

Vitamin B12

Main functions in a nutshell:

       Essential growth factor

       Formation of blood cells and nerve sheaths

       Regeneration of folic acid

       Coenzyme-function in the intermediary metabolism, especially in cells of the nervous tissue, bone marrow and gastrointestinal tract

Vitamin B12 is necessary for:

       stimulating RNA synthesis in nerve cells,

       strengthening neurotransmitters, and increasing concentration and memory,

       myelin formation (the covering around the nerve cells),

       protecting arteries in the brain by metabolizing homocysteine,

       nervous system health,

       growth and development,

       the production of red blood cells,

       healthy digestive function, and

       detoxifying cyanide from foods and tobacco smoke.

        

Iron

Iron is an essential for:

the formation of hemoglobin and certain enzymes,

many proteins and enzymes that maintain good health,

transporting oxygen in the blood to all parts of the body,

many metabolic reactions and the regulation of cell growth and differentiation,

immune activity,

proper functioning of the liver, and

protection against the actions of free radicals.

 

Vitamin D

Main functions in a nutshell:

Regulation of calcium and phosphate blood levels

Bone mineralisation

Control of cell proliferation and differentiation

Modulation of immune system

Vitamin D is involved in:

mineral metabolism and bone growth;

the intestinal absorption and metabolism of calcium;

the absorption of phosphate, zinc, iron, magnesium and other minerals;

the absorption of vitamin A; and

proper kidney function.

 

My new vitamin regimen is crazy to say the least, but I’d rather not die over taking some pills, so I will be taking them.  Please note**My vitamin deficiencies are NOT because of VSG.  I was deficient before surgery in most of those areas.  If I was taking my vitamins after surgery as directed, I wouldn’t currently be deficient in any of them. 

 

Now what you’ve been waiting for…the NUMBERS:

Today I weighed in at 243lbs…super depressing to be at 244 for 3 weeks (stall)

However, along the way I have kept measurements to lift my spirits when the scale couldn’t.  In the past 2 weeks alone…I have lost 5 inches and 23 total!

 

HW: 286

SW: 269

7 wks post op: 243

TWL: 43

POL: 26lbs = 3.7lbs loss per week since surgery (pretty freaking good)

These are my stats from pre op through today - 3 weeks post op

                      Begining       3 weeks Post op               Difference in 5 months total
weight          286lbs          253lbs                                                    33lbs
neck             14.5in           14in                                                          .5 
arm              16in               15in                                                          1
bust              52in              49in                                                          3
waist            44.5in           44.5in                                                       0
hips              57.75in        55.5in                                                       2.25
thigh            29.25in         28.5in                                                       .75
calf              18in               16.5in                                                        1.5
forearm      10in                10in                                                           0

Total inches lost: 9inches
Total lbs lost since surgery: 13lbs

Well, I was sleeved on Monday afternoon 10/17/11. Although I was scared out of my mind I have an amazing support system and had some even more amazing prayers. Thank you to all of you who kept me in your thoughts. It was very scarry to kiss my son good bye and not know if I would wake up and see him again. But I had to put it in God's hands.

I woke up from surgery in the pacu in immense pain. I went in and out of consiousness, but eventually we got my pain under control. When i got to the floor I don't remember much. What I do remember is sleeping in half hour blocks and waking in pain and then pressing my pcs pump button again and fading out.

Tuesday started off a much better day. I had my foley removed and started to walk. I passed my leak test, which by the way no one informed me it was going to be so horrific. YUCK! I visited with friends and family and then the wrath of vomiting hit me. There is nothing comparable to having every muscle...even the ones you didn't know you had...tense up with each hurl. The pain was unbarable. Thank the heavens above for morphine. I continued to vomit into late Wednesday.

The hospital I had surgery at has two guidelines before you can be discharged. You must be passing gas from the lower side and you must be drinking a minimum of two pitchers of liquids.

My bowels....well they were still sleeping from having anesthesia and the only way to get them moving is through walking. The only way to stand walking is to have bearable pain, and that of course doesn't happen when you vomit. Ughhhh

I made it through Wednesday night and into Thursday and found out that a friend of mine had passed. As sad as that is, I'm so happy she is no longer suffering.

Thursday was a day of making things happen. Some of you may not remeber my posts, but I was denied surgical leave from one of my jobs. So, that means I called in Monday and again on Friday. Although most disagree, I must go to work tomorrow and make the best of it. So, I walked and walked some more. I didn't drink much but I sure walked

Friday I decided I wanted out. The staff here has been great and my roommate; although she loves jerry springer n maury, she hasn't been too bad either. I've just had enough. So I drank and walked today. I've steered clear of any iv medications and done everything they asked. I got all my fluids in by 1pm...wootwoot. however, this gas pain that I'm keeping quiet about is fearce! Holy moly...it hurts. I need that to stop and the rest of it is bearable

Oh yeah my stats: 265sw. 275cw.
Well, that's my story so far. I hope my story helps someone out. Make room next to my girl B.Bap cause I'm chilling on the losers bench baby!!

This time on Monday I will be getting prepped to be wheeled to the OR.  My friends keep asking me if I'm excited...NO i'm not.  I'm scared out of my mind and sick of being asked if I'm excited.  I know they don't mean any harm, but my knowledge of the medical field and just how serious this surgery is are increasing my anxiety level.  I have this deep desire to consume food and lots of it, but I am having a chat with myself about that and how it doesn't really fit into the plan I have.  I keep looking at before and after pics and reminding myself why I'm doing this.  When I first decided on this journey I made a list of why I wanted to have WLS. 

I chose 11 because it has been approximately 11 years since I last was healthy and in shape! 

My 11...in no particular order:

1. To wear a bathing suit...without a cover up
2. To be in the FRONT of a picture, and not in the back hiding
3. To shop with my BFF's, who are a size 8 and 6...(I won't be able to say "skinny women are evil" anymore...)
4. To no longer be in jeopardy of knee replacements at such a young age (I'm only 31)
5. To complete a Warrior Dash...and NOT be last
6. To sweat because it's actually hot...and not because I'm so out of shape
7. To have skinny sex
8. To skydive...I'm currently over the maximum weight limits
9. To be able to paint my own toes without feeling suffocated
10. To cross my legs
11. To do all of the outdoor activities my 5 year old can handle

 

This list still makes me smile at the possibility of accomplishing it.  The biggest of the reasons being my health.  I am in decent health, but my knees…they should belong to a 90 year old not a 31 year old.  They hurt daily and cause me to not do certain activities because of the possible side effects.  When I think about my NYC trip I am saddened because of how unhealthy I was.  My health, or lack thereof, ruined what was supposed to be a fabulous trip. 

 

So yes, I am excited about the possible outcomes down the road.  Yet, I am terrified of the actual immediate risks that are in front of me.  So, I am going to finish prepping to be out of work for 2 weeks, work this weekend, and spend cuddle time with my lil man.  Hopefully then I won’t fret too much over the surgery and instead I will take it all in stride. 

So much has gone on these past few weeks.  I went for all of my pre op appointments and my weight shot up about 13lbs in one week.  I was floored.  I couldn't understand it.  I was accused of starving myself and then pigging out.  My surgeon pushed my surgery back by 3 weeks, bceasue he felt that I wasn't ready for surgery yet.  I cried...I cried...oh how I cried.  I felt like a complete loser and failure.  I had my pitty party, pulled up my big girl panties and moved forward.  I was determined to prove that I didn't gain 13lbs by eating.  So, I kept my food intake moderate.  I ate what I wanted to doing my best to keep it healthy and in smaller portions, so that the following week when I weighed in we could see what was going on.  You should have seen these bitches faces!  Yep the fucking scale was back down where it was supposed to be.  I told that damn hooker that I was bloated from my cycle and she just looked at me like I was crazy.  Apparently her medical knowledge is so much higher than mine that I was ignored.  Fact is, that when I get my cycle I don't fit into my own clothes.  I retain so much liquid it's crazy.  Yes, I took diuretics before my final weigh in for insurance approval and I cut my food way down, but only because Aunt freaking Flow wouldn't leave me alone.  Anyway, my surgery is now scheduled for October 17th.  I have decided to own this date and love this date.  I only told three people in my life why the date was really moved and told everyone else it was blood work issues.  I'm just scared that when I go back on the 5th of Cotober that we will be playing the same Aunt flow game again!  I keep calling and leaving messages for my surgeon to call me so that we can discuss my weight and water retention issues, but his satanic nurse hasn't passed along my messages yet. 

I got the phone call today from my insurance company that I was APPROVED!  It was an amazing feeling to hear those words.  Now I just need to stop shoving food in my face and maintain my weight loss until surgery, which is only 3 weeks away.  I'm excited, nervous, happy, scared, blah.... everything all at once.  I have a series of appointments next week, followed by an Endoscopy the following week and surgery just a mere week after that. 

Well Tuesday is my official weigh in to see if I've lost 5%.  If I haven't then they won't submit to insurance for approval.  I've gone my entire life (the majority of it) overweight and never have I done the things I am doing over the next three days.  I bought laxatives and diuretics last night and have started pumping them into my body.  I'm not insane and I don't want to deplete my body of potassium, which my heart needs to pump.  I'm taking less than the suggested doses and working into it gently.  I have cut my food almost completely down to nothing.  It's 3pm right now as I am writing this post and this is what I've had today: 2 slices of reduced fat turkey bacon, one cup of sf jello, one reduced fat cabot sharp cheddar cheese, and 1/4 c. of soft serve ice cream...kinda felt I needed some sugar.  Calories: 200 Carbs: 11 Protein: 13  Water: 60 oz
I know that this isn't healthy, but I have never wanted anything so badly before.  If it weren't for me starting to retain fluid due to my cycle, I would have made weight without any drastic measures.  I just have to make it through to Tuesday morning at 8am...hopefully my body will lose it's excess water and what not and drop my weight a few lbs.  Until then...

Sunday Morning:  I only ate bkfst and lunch yesterday, so I only consumed about 400 calories.  Lunch was a repeat of brkfst plus a hard boiled egg.  I just repeated the same meal for bkfst this morning.  I took diuretics 3 times in the past 24 hours, instead of 4 as the bottle suggested.  I will be taking another dose after I finish eating.  The scale this morning said 269.6...WOW!!  I will take that, even if it is just water weight and my lack of nutrition.  I will go back to salads and chicken on Tuesday after weighing in.  BTW I was 274.8 yesterday morning.

Monday Evening:  Okay so I completely broke down yesterday.  Geesh how I hate having a period and feeling like I can't get full.  Then on top of that I'm at the hospital all flipping weekend surrounded by delicious food that everyone brings in to make the staff plumper.   Ugggghhhh so disappointed in myself.  I had a vending machine size of famous amos cookies and a bagel.  Holy CARBS!!  OMG they tasted so good and I totally ate them like a closet eater.  I was completely disgusted by myself after and didn't eat a single thing the rest of the day...(I had 400 calories between bkfst n lucnh prior to my binge).  I made it through the rest of the evening without scarfing down food I saw.  But again, it tasted amazing.  LOL.  So, I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale and it read 270 even.  I will take that and love it, but I have to make it through today.  So, what have I done today: Bkfst - a hand full of cheese nips (delicious but uncalled for) lunch - 1 ounce of broccoli and .5 ounces of chicken.  Dinner - Campbells chicken noodle soup 80calories...broth only.  When I came to work at my second job tonight I weighed 272 with clothes on...I don't tend to like to run around the hospital naked...now at 11pm (still at work) I am down to 271.5 on the same scale.  YIPEE.  I just need to maintain through til the morning.  So, I am not eating or drinking anything after my hot water with lemon at bedtime, I will not wash my thick ass hair in the morning (excess water on me on the scale...I think NOT), I will be wearing scrubs tomorrow (the lightest ones I can find) and I will have on ballet slippers instead of socks and sneakers.  LOL.  Yep I'm crazy.  I will check in tomorrow with an update.

Tuesday:  I dropped 10.5lbs in two weeks!  I freaking made weight and had room to spare.  Absolutely amazing feeling.  Filled out all of the necessary paperwork and scheduled all of my preop appointments.  Happily on my way...

I met my surgeon this week.  I hadn't gained or loss any weight since my last visit, which was a total downer.  My surgeon is awesome and I feel like I'm in good hands.  He gave me a tentative date, pending I lose the last 6lbs I need to lose & insurance approval.  My dietician gave me a strict diet to stick to and except for a no sugar added frozen fruit bar I have stuck to it.  The scale is moving again even though I can't do too much excersize.  I'm scared to hurt my knees anymore than they are.  I know that sounds weird, but I'm so tired of injections.  I play tough, but they hurt sooooo much.  I just want to stop being hungry so I can lose this weight and feel better.  I guess the crazy part about all of this is that I'm not excited yet.  None of this feels real yet.  Maybe after my insurance approves everything and I'm doing my pre surgery diet I will final feel excited.