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It's been a lil over a month since my last blog, so much has taken place.  I did 2 sleep studies and now have a new friend and her name is c-pap, she makes sure I breath and don't desat during the night...life is good.  NOT!  I have been sleeping with this machine for over a week now and have taken it off in my sleep every night.  Geesh I hope I can get use to it soon because it has a lovely memory stick in it and records EVERYTHING.  The tech who took care of me both times has now been renamed...McHottie Tech.  LOL...I facebook stalked him but chickened out on friend requesting him.  Mostly because then I really would be stalking.  My last visit to the dietician left me in tears.  It was a horrible visit and it could have prevented me from completing this journey.  The first time I met her she was cold, but it didn't bother me because I was just starting out.  My next visit was with the NUT who changed some of what the dietician laid out for me.  So now I meet with her and she is a complete ass!  She got on me for snacking...SF FF jello, cheese sticks, and almonds....that's right folks it wasn't peanutbutter cups, cheeze its, or cookies but that nut job still fussed at me.  She said I need to get use to not snacking because after surgery I won't be able to.  Um that's so not true, but neither here nor there.  So, I looked at her and said you do realize my stomach is still big right?  Which means I'm still hungry.  I'm taking in less food, excersizing almost 2 hours/ 3-4 days a week and you think I'm not hungry?  I told her how her and the NUT were giving me different information but she didn't care because it wasn't documented in the computer so I couldn't prove it.  This heffer just kept digging at me.  I have rather thick skin, but I couldn't even look at her anymore I was so angry.  She didn't even bother to say wow you lost 3 lbs in 10 days...amazing.  Nope just kept telling me everything I was doing wrong.  So, when she left the room I lost it.  I started crying and then got angrier that I allowed her to get to me like that.  I did my best to calm down and leave, but I had to speak to a nurse before I left about a note for another doctor.  By that time I had stewed so much that I told the nurse I never wanted to see that woman again.  I didn't explain why I just made my statement and was going to leave.  She asked me to wait and the office manager came and got me.  She brought me to a private room and wanted to know what was going on.  Again my anger and frustration consumed me and the water works were in full effect.  I expressed my concern about how a naturally thin person could dismiss my noticeable hard work.  How it's great she has always been thin, but that I was there for her help not her attitude and judgement.  The office manager assured me she would handle the situation and gave me an immediate appointment with another dietician.  The new dietician came in and was amazing!  So, I left not feeling totally rejected.  On to a lighter note, I am meeting my surgeon in 11 days and I'm so excited.  So due to my horrific carb cravings prior to my cycle (that I'm now getting twice a month now that they took me off birth control) I have started a liquid diet  for the next 10 days.  I absolutely will hit my 5% by the 17th.  I may have to add some baked chicken breast, but that will be the max of deviation allowed.  I want this so badly it's crazy.  I want the life I never had and so desperately look forward to. 

So, yesterday was supposed to be an amazing day hanging out with my GF (her boyfriend calls me her girlfriend and it has stuck.)  She recently graduated with her Masters and my present was a kidnapping to NYC for the day.  Her mom was invited because she is awesome and my GF loves having her around.  We rode the train into NYC and the hell began.  First let me give you a visual of me.  I am 5'6'' and weigh about 280lbs...depending on the day...I carry my weight well or so I thought until yesterday.  I have horrific knees, compliments of the United States Navy and over indulging.  I have had 2 rounds of cortisone injections and a 3 shot series of "fake cartilage" injected into my left knee in the past 3 years alone!!.  Oh yeah, I'm only 31.  A normal day for me is working 12 - 16 hours and I can barely walk down stairs at the end of it.  I sleep on my couch most nights as my bed is upstairs and it's too painful to walk.

  I didn't figure NYC was going to be a problem, cause my GF knows about my knees and my newly added addition of plantar fascitis and a heel spur in my right foot.  Needless to say I'm in constant pain.  So we arrive in Penn Station and we are off to M&M World, the only place my GF requested we visit on this trip.  Well at least my petite and in great shape GF and her equally petite and in great shape mom were off like two fat kids let loose in Willie Wonkas Chocolate Factory.  These two closet fat girls walked so fast that by the time we made it through the mile walk, I was soaked!  Not from the rain either, since it was a gorgeous 72 degrees with a generous breeze.  I was soaked from sweating and breathing like I had just ran a mile.  I kept my cool and went to purchase a t-shirt.  Much to my surprise it was extremely difficult to find a 2X shirt in the damn store.  Seriously is everyone skinny in NYC?  Grrrrrr!  I finally found one, gray of course so that when I sweat again it freaking shows...I change and we start walking again because...yep M&M World doesn't open for another hour!  This time I'm not as hot but pissed that we are 45 minutes into our day and I've already purchased a $27 shirt I would never wear again. 

Fast forward to our cab ride after M&M World.  This cabby was the highlight of my day.  He gave us a true NYC experience and drove like we were being chased my the Mafia.  We thought we were going to die.  It's funny now, but wasn't so funny then. LOL.  So, we arrive at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and proceed to walk throughout all of the exhibits for the next 1 1/2 - 2 hours.  When we leave we, meaning they, decided to walk and enjoy the day.  At first I was onboard until I found out we had just walked 20 minutes in the wrong direction.  UGH hello fat girl here...  So we do an about face and head in the correct direction.  For the next 1 1/2 hours I walked completely alone and talked to myself as to how it was great to be alone.  My GF and her mom walked about 10 feet ahead of my obese, sweating, heavy breathing fat ass with the ocassional looks back to assure I was still in tote.  We walked from the MET to the world’s largest MACY's with a slight break for lunch (at least it is to me...lol).  Even in NYorker lingo that is a long ass walk.  In Tamika lingo that's a FREAKING LONG ASS WALK!  We stopped to eat lunch in a deli, but I'm sure my complaints of there being no where to sit were not welcomed.  We walked next door and enjoyed a sit down lunch in an expensive, but well air conditioned diner.  From there we went to Macy's, which by the way we were on 57th st or ave and we needed to be at 34th....sweet jebus please let me break my ankle or get hit by some crazy NYorker as I cross the street. 

Once we arrive at Macy's I have absolutely no interest in shopping in the petite section nor do I want to help her since I am once again dripping in sweat and now my knees are aching beyond the help of hydrocodone (which I took with my lunch).  So I inform them I am going to sit by the dressing room and wait.  While resting I sent my GF a message on FB apologizing and letting her know that I was just in a lot of pain (which btw she never responded to).  I decided that I would try to be a good sport so I found out where the fattie clothes were.  When they were done I asked if we could visit that section.  They obliged, but much to my surprise they both informed me that they would be waiting at the dressing room.  I was crushed.  Actually wanted to cry, but had to keep it together.  So, I grabbed two items I didn't want and went to try them on.  I told them I didn't want them and we then went shoe shopping.   The shoe shopping wasn’t so bad because I could look through the shoes quickly and sit and rest.  From there we finally took a cab (it was as if the heavens heard me crying inside) to dinner.  Dinner was nice; I was starting to be happy again with the day.  We then took a cab to our show, STOMP, which was amazing and I highly recommend. 

We took a cab to Penn Station and got on our train.  This time I got the impression my GF didn’t want to sit with me, I figured she wanted to sprawl out and sleep since it was 11p and our day started a 5a.  So, I moved up one and much to my surprise her mom sat with her.  They talked while I sat alone and finally went to sleep.  Needless to say I’m sure this is a pitty party.  One I haven’t had in a long time.  But for the first time in quite some time or maybe ever I feel obese.  I feel like my health slowed one of my best friends down from having fun, that I wasn’t fun because I was in pain, and that if I wasn’t there they would have had more fun without me.  I’ve realized for the first time that NO ONE in my life can relate to what I am going through and that I’m truly in this alone.  As I write this I am fighting back tears as I pride myself on not being an emotional person.  I’m posting this in hopes that one of you can relate and help me understand that things will get better and that a year from now  I will forget this pain and that I won’t hold this grudge against my GF that is forming.  It’s forming out of anger of her not walking slower with me, out of her not making sure I was comfortable, out of her not being my GF for the day!!  I love her and don’t want to lose the friendship, but I must admit I’m angry.  Maybe at her, maybe at me, or maybe at us both…

I saw my NUT for the first time today.  She seemed awfully encouraging of the RNY.  I didn't like that too much, but after posting in both forums, I believe I'm sticking with VSG.  I am up for the hard work and dedication that VSG takes.  I don't want malabsorption of any sorts.  Well, on a lighter note she has given me new numbers to stick to for my eating.  1200 calories, 35 - 50g fat, 85 - 90g protein, and 120g of carbs or less.  This seems WAY more doable than what I've been trying to do.  I start actually going to the gym this week too.  I'm not excited about 5am, but I'm totally excited to get this fat train moving! 

So, I hate eating healthy.  I have been doing so well and I've only lost about 6lbs...WTF??  Grrr I hate scales.  Anyway, I went to the pulmonologist on Tuesday only for him to refer me to have a sleep study.  That angered me to no end.  I'm fat and snore when I'm super tired and that equals a sleep study.  Double GRRRRRRRR.  Well he is the doctor so of course I will do what he says.  I had my annual exam this week, so the results will be in for that soon.  My facility makes sure you are cancer free before surgery too.  I filled out FMLA paperwork today to protect my job at the place I hate working...there aren't enough hours to go into all of that...lol.  All in all it was a very productive week.  I meet with the NUT on Monday so he/she can tell me everything I'm doing wrong.  Next week I also see the head doctor and get an ABG and PFT done for the darn pulmonologist.  By the time this is all said and done the appointments will be just as costly as paying out of pocket for surgery! 

Now let's talk about Fattie AA.  Maybe I'm just insensative, but I really thought I was going to a support group and going to get something out of it that would help me on my weight loss journey.  NOPE.  Instead what I have gotten out of the past two meetings is that people like to talk about their personal issues WAY too much.  Maybe it's just me, but whatever takes place with your therapist should stay between you and your therapist.  People are using these meetings as an additional therapy session instead of a way to share ideas, recipies, and uplifting ways to do better with WLS.  I don't think I will be returning as my free time is very precious and I'd rather be home with my lil man. 

So, Ive been rushing to get all of my appointments done so that I can have surgery sooner than later.  Much to my surprise I've been overlooking the 3 month supervised weight loss program requirement by my health insurance.  I started this journey on May 24th, weighing in at 284.  I have been keeping a food diary and have even been honest enough to put EVERYTHING into it.  I meet with the nutritionist in 10 days.  My goal is to be 274 or less.  Then continue to lose over the next two months as the workouts will increase.  I am going for my annual exam this coming week, going to the pulmonologist, and going to see my family practice doctor, he is going to fill out FMLA paperwork for me to protect my job.  Although I wanted surgery in July or August, I'm probably looking at August - September time frame.  I'm okay with that, I'm just an impatient person. 

I attended my first group session with people who are in all stages of WLS both pre-op and post-op.  I don't know what I was expecting this session to be, but I sure wasn't expecting AA for Fatties.  We all introduced ourselves and clapped for everyone...hi my name is Tamika and this is my first meeting...(clap) hi tamika....LOL.  I couldn't believe it.  "What happens in group stays in group, never approach someone from group outside of the group session, and no eating non healthy foods during the meetings."  LMAO!!  The other thing about the session was how open people are in there.  I am a more private person when it comes to certain aspects of my life.  Yet these ladies were putting it all out there and discussing their therpay sessions with their therapists.  Quite a lot to take in.  I'm not sure why attending two of these is necessary, but I will surely be there next Thursday for part II of Fatties Annonymous. 

I have met with the Physician Assistant who went over my health history with me.  Then I met with the Dietician (who I will refer to as Satin!).  She informed me that I have to keep my carbs under 50!  Holy Toledos...I'm addicted to carbs and my belly isn't smaller yet.  I've been able to reduce my caloric intake to about 1000 per day and keeping my carbs around 100, but I have no idea how to get to 50 carbs.  For crying out loud a Chobani yogurt has over 20g of carbs.  As for the protein I'm supposed to take in...75g per day.  Doesn't sound hard, but geeeeeeeesh it sure is.  I haven't hit it yet.  So, my wonderful friend ordered me a protein drink mix.  BARF... it is disgusting.  I can't even get passed the smell.  So, now I am looking for other alternatives.  What's a fat girl to do?? 

So, I have started working out again and even ran this week!  I haven't ran since about 2003!! I only did 2 one minute runs and then two days later did 4 one minute runs.  It's a start.  (BTW I did that inbetween my walking on the treadmill).  My knees didn't like the jogging so much, but I sure did.  I'm going to be scheduling a round of Cortisone shots for each knee so the pain will be minimized.  I won't be telling my knee doc that I'm running or he would ground me...LOL.  Well, I have stopped taking my BC due to having to be off of it 6 weeks prior to surgery.  I'm thinking that it would be best to be ready to go as soon as I'm cleared and not have to wait an additional 6 weeks.  I have made appts for my gyn, head doctor, and nutritionist.  I should be cleared by all of them by the end of the month.  My initial blood work has been done and results are pending.  I'm sure my vitamin D deficiency and horrible anemia will have to be addressed and corrected prior to surgery, so I have already started taking the vitamins to assist in that area.  I am waiting to get an appt with the pulmonologist to be screened for sleep Apnea, which I don't believe I have...but since I'm asleep how would I know.  I also have to attend 2 group therapy sessions with ppl who have had WLS surgery.  I am hoping to attend those within the next 2 weeks.  I am really trying hard to be on the fast track with all of this. 

I want this surgery sooner than later and wish I could have a surgery date and submitted for insurance approval ASAP.  Then all of this would seem obtainable.  Right now I just feel like it's wishful thinking.  My goal is to have everything submitted to my insurance by the begining of July and having surgery in July or August.

GOAL                                                  REWARD                                                                                  

To have surgery by October 2011                              Sleeve
To lose 60+lbs by Black Friday 2011                      Shoping Spree (lil one)
To weigh 150 lbs                                                         2 week vacation to Europe

So, I've been researching bariatric surgery for over a year now and just became serious about 2 months ago when someone close to my heart made reference to my unhealthy weight.  What they said crushed me and I was determined to be angry at them.  But as I thought about it, they were right and only thinking about my health and what was best for me.  So, I began making phone calls.  I attended two informational sessions this past week at Albany Medical and learned a lot.  I have turned my focus from lap band to the gastric sleeve.  I started this journey with the decision to not tell anyone due to my embarrassment that I needed surgery to lose weight.  After stalking this site for the past two days I have become very comfortable with the idea of surgery and what it can do for me and my son.  I am so inspired by what I have seen and am eager to be the before and after photos that inspires someone else to make the life changing decision to seek help.  Because that's really all this is, is help.  It's not a quick fix nor is it guarenteed to make me skinny.  It's a tool on the road to becoming healthier.  It will still require dedication and hard work, but it's a tool that I feel will aid me well.  I look forward to the road ahead and to looking back in a year and saying that I made one of the best decisions of my life the day I decided to persue the gastric sleeve!