Remi F.

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OK, life is pretty good right now.  I'm 7 months out of surgery and lost a total of 88 pounds which is great but jeez I still have so much more to lose.  I will not, in fact, be losing any more wiehgt for at least the next 9 months as I am finally pregnant!  I have been hoping and praying for this baby for years and years and he/she is finally here.  As happy as I am, I'm that concerned over what this means for me and my continued weight loss.  Will I, in fact, continue to lose weight?  Is that over now?  Will I go right back to gaining weight and have no means of keeping it off?  Will I ever reach my weight loss goal?  And I'm so close.  Doc said I should be down to 150 and I'm currently at 186.  Not horrible.  Almost there, but not for long.  I'm going to begin watching the numbers on the scale get higher and higher and I'm freaked out.  Oy!  I'm scared.  But in the end all will be fine because I'll have Baby.  I'm just hoping I won't be 272 pounds before long.  I'm nervous.  VERY nervous.  But hey, when I find myself this nervous I can try to calm myself knowing that I can no longer destress with cigarettes, caffeine, sleeping pills or anti-depressants.  OK, so I'm looking at the first line I wrote on todays blog and realize what a freakin joke that was!  Shoot me in the face why don't ya.  LOL

I'm cancer FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the 14th I hit 2 months post-op and I'm doing GREAT!  A lot is going on right now so I begin my story with something that doesn't seem to fit, but it actually does.  I would have added my next blog entry on the actual anniversary day but I've been sick...real sick.  Started as complete loss of appetite, moved into migraine, woke a few days ago with a terrible sore throat, now major conjestion with fevers.  Basically, I have the freakin flu.  BUT, that's not enough is it?  I had to have a biospy of my boob done Thursday so I'm sore there as well as the rest of my body and to add insult to injury, apparently this would be the time to get my period of course!  OK, so I began this blog entry with everything is "going great," but I guess I should retract that statement.  There is, however, a bright side to this story...between the chunk of boob now missing and having absolutely no appetite for the last week, I've managed to break through the 50 pound mark.  I've been waiting for this!  I have now lost a total of 51 pounds!  As I'm blowing my nose and coughing up phlem, I somehow feel much better knowing that I've reached the 50 pound goal I set for myself.  I was thrilled with 15 pounds, 25, 40, but I have been waiting for 50 and now it's here.  I want to celebrate so maybe I'll take a cold and flu pill for the occassion.  LOL. 

Something very exciting happened to me while at the hospital for my biopsy.  The nurse walked me into the changing room and gave me a gown.  "Ah, no," I said.  "I need one of those Big People gowns."  And you know what she replied???  "No you don't. A regular gown should fit you just fine."  A regular gown should fit me just fine???????  Here I am, ready to go in for a biopsy, waiting to find out if I have breast cancer and I am actually full of joy and glee because this woman thinks I can fit into a regular gown.  Are you kidding me???  Well, I really didn't give her the opportunity to prove me right because I think that may have pushed me over the edge.  She gave me the Big Persons gown as continuously requested, but all throughout the procedure I as thinking, "HeHe, she thought I wasn't huge, she thought I wasn't huge!!!!!"  OK, I know how twisted this scenario is, but if I'm going to blog I'm going to blog my truth and there it is.  All right, must go pass out now...-REMI

PS: Should have results back by Tuesday.  Fingers crossed!

Well, well, looks like I’ve been SO busy losing weight that I haven’t had the time to blog. I am down 36 pounds now. It’s absolutely amazing. I went from in the 270’s to the 230’s. So impressed I can hardly stand myself. I feel absolutely fantastic!!!!   By the way, for all you Jews out there, lox absolutely saved me! (I always knew it somehow would). It’s high in protein and has the good fats (whatever that means) not the bad fats and, ummmmmmm, best food ever! I ate lox throughout the pureed and soft foods stages (and even had it for dinner tonight!)   I decided to run into the market the other day to pick something up real quickly. Before I knew it hours had passed and I was late seeing a client. I had no idea that people could spend hours in the market? I always hated the market and thank god, it never took too long to pick up Oreo cookies, Kit-Kat bars, potato chips and ice cream so it wasn’t such a big deal. Now, I am checking every label, thinking of new things to make, going up, down and side by side every freakin aisle. Forget about saving money for eventual new clothing, I using every last penny trying new food after new food. So exciting!    I’ve also been attending the monthly support groups and the last message was, ‘wasn’t it so nice when everyone was commenting on great you looked as your weight started falling off.’ Why am I not being told that??? I mean, I hear it from my family but that’s because they have too! I have not yet heard it from friends or co-workers. Not once! What’s up with that? Granted, I have MUCH more weight to lose, but you can still tell. My god, almost 40 pounds is off me, how can you not tell??? And yet… So I’ve resorted to fishing for compliments to no avail. Note to self…buy MUCH longer fishing line.   Other than that I am doing sooooo well. I’m even exercising every day.  Me, yes, I am exercising. I was walking at least 1 mile each day but, ya know, then it got hot out and I don’t do hot, so I scrapped that idea completely. Now my exercise of choice is Wii Sports and Wii Fit and quite honestly, they’re downright rude. On Wii Sports you can take your “Fitness Age” after you run through a series of activities. I improved greatly! As I first began this 36 year old had a fitness age of 72. OK, embarrassed, shut up! Surely did not feel great about that one. However, I tried and tried and felt like I was doing SO much better so I recently took my fitness age test again and it said I was 26. A million thoughts ran through my head, but mostly thoughts about hard work paying off, dedication at it’s finest, how impressed I am with myself and then, right in front of my very eyes the 26 broke into pieces and crashed to the bottom of my t.v. screen. In its place came a 47 with a tag basically laughing at me for having thought I actually reached an age of 26. Excuse me??? I paid $250 to be made fun? I can get that for free! What the hell was that? Understandably, after that, Wii Sports and I did not get along very well and I took the CD out and put it away vowing to never use it again. That’s when I went to Wii Fit.   The Wii Fit is a freaking scale! When it tells me it’s ok to finally get on, the little computer generated voice actually says “Ohhhhh” when I stand upon it, like it's scaredor something. Now who exactly created these devices of torture? I do not need to hear this when standing upon something. This is just not right, nor is it very fair. The person who created this had a very, very demented mind and is not kind to the fat people. This is not funny. So basically, I am consistently being made fun of  by my workout equipment. Not very nice and yet, I somehow haven’t thrown the thing away yet (although trash day is tomorrow…hummmm).     I will hopefully be reporting a 40 pound lose very, very soon.     Things I learned now that I’m one month in… I can’t actually believe this is about to come out of my mouth, but when feeling really full, lying down and sleeping or crying and begging for death do NOT actually help. I repeat, they do NOT help (surprisingly!). The only thing that actually helps me is to… ok, are you ready for it?... the only thing that helps is to (with squinted eyes) exercise. Ahhh, I can’t believe I said it.   I adore my friends from OH, but I’ve learned that one must not tell all their secrets. For example, I felt completely attacked when I wanted to incorporate carbs into my diet. Anywhere else when being attacked you can fight back, right? Well, there is no reasoning with people who have already been there done that and they all believe their way is the only way and I respect that but don’t always agree. So I’ve learned, for the first time in my life, that sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut. Hummm, how’s that for a lesson?   I ALSO learned that it’s not an automatic response to loudly grown each and every time one gets off the couch. I was shocked by that one.   I learned that I can actually live without pizza. Not that this is pleasant mind you, but I have not died from pizza withdrawal. like I thought I might.  I have learned that my sleeping pills kick in MUCH faster and MUCH better after surgery than before and I’m loving this. One may then make the assumption that I do not need quite as many pills to sleep as they are much more potent now. I say, nah!!!! I still take just as many and I’m loving my nights!   I’ve learned that the supermarket holds things other than Nabisco products. There’s more than 2 aisles??? Yeah, apparently so.   I actually went out and bought a pan for the first time in my life. I now own a pan that was not inherited from my parents 15 years ago. I feel like such an adult now. Oh, and along the same lines, I now know how to turn on my burners AND I’ve made some pretty decent meals. I am in awe of ME!   Things I did not do well… I never actually entered the pureed stage. I went directly from liquids to soft foods. Not because my doctor said so, but because I couldn’t get the nasty image of a pureed burger out of my mind and just needed to avoid it completely!   I’m eating bread. I was told not to. I’m using low carb tortillas or an English muffin every day. Hey, it fills me, I continue dropping pounds (more than 1 pound every day, come on!) and I am absolutely loving the food I’m eating. So, while I’ve learned not to discuss that I’m doing this at the support groups, I do, indeed, continue eating carbs. Oh, and I eat a soft pretzel almost every day. AND?!?!?!?!??!   I’m working on getting all my protein in and for the most part I can succeed at this. However, there are days I find myself eating close to nothing because I got busy and didn’t look at the clock. Oh well.   I have every intention of keeping a daily food log and then I just sort of forget. I have yet to manage this for even one full day. Meanwhile, I have my follow up appt in two days and will now need to make up a food log. Helpful, no?       So, I’m obviously not being the perfect patient, but I am doing well and I’m extremely proud of myself. Not so proud that I won’t be making up a food log, but still, very, very proud. So, I’m realizing that perhaps I don’t have to do this perfectly. I believe my body will tell me when I’m doing something wrong and therefore, I will also know when I can tolerate foods that others don’t believe I should be eating. But perfect I most certainly am not nor have I ever been. Why begin now, huh? I’m just trying to figure this thing out as I go. Each day is a new adventure and I’m holding on for the ride. Talk to you all soon and good luck on all of your rides. Remember; just make sure you keep your arms and legs in the cart for the duration of your ride.

O.k., so, like not to brag or anything, but I am apparently the world’s finest egg maker EVER!!!!! I just got back from my 2 week follow up and I can now eat FOOD. I am beyond excited! I stopped on the way home, picked up egg beaters and dare I say it may have been the greatest tasting food I have ever had in my entire life. Not only fabulous, but it sat well too. How great is that??? Whoever would have known about this amazing egg talent I now possess?   Meanwhile, I am now down 23 pounds. For the first time in a L…O…N…G time I am FINALLY under 250. With great pride I say, I’m now 249.9. Shut up, that totally counts!!!!!!!! It is so under 250! Don’t mess with me!!!!!!!!!!!   Differences I already notice by just losing the 23 pounds…

1. I can put my seatbelt on now without needing to suck in my gut and tuck my tits under my armpits.
2. I’m no longer choking on my double chin. This is amazing to me. I don’t even notice it anymore. Before I constantly felt as though I was literally choking on it. So nasty (and scary!)
3. I can now reach parts of my back that have long since been abandoned. It’s nice to get reacquainted.
4. The best of all, I can now reach my own ass. With the additional 23 pounds it was as if wiping myself was an Olympic event. I had to prepare, I has to train. Now I can do it with ease.

  How happy am I? And this is just the beginning.         To be continued…

Written at noon on Wednesday 5/27
I am 2 weeks post op (tomorrow) and remain on a liquid diet.  Liquid diet.  Not to difficult to understand.  I'm not an idiot! I get it. Liquids.  L...I...Q...U...I...D...S...... ut oh, hold on, must vomit AGAIN!  OK, I've since rinsed and brushed my teeth and I'm back. As I was saying before, the liquids are made quite clear.  Very, very little discrepancy. Let us also revisit the line where I wrote, "I'm not an idiot."  And yet, well, ummm, I WAS HUNGRY!!!  I have been on liquids for like 4 weeks.  I want food.  I'm hungry, VERY hungry and then I made a decision to slowly, oh ever so slowly, eat something that was not a liquid. I know, L...I...Q...U...I...D...S...!  I opted for a protein bar thinking...(excuse me again!)...oh my god I am sooooo sick!  I opted for the protein bar for many reasons.

1) I wanted to actually eat something.
2) If I was going to eat something, I mind as well make it full of protein and get my numbers up for the day.
3) Instead of eating some kind of junk food or my absolute favorite food in the entire world...pizza, I'll opt for something healthy.
4) Nothing is likely to happen is I just suck on the bar long enough until it basically disintegrates in my mouth thereby turning itself into a liquid.

Well, well, well! I now officially retract the"I'm not an idiot" statement.  I think it's been made quite clear that indeed I am!  I have been pooping and throwing up constantly due to this. I was being hit by FREQUENT waves of utter nausea to the point where alI I could look was look upward and beg God to just end it for me now instead of later.  Please, let this be the end.  It was terrible!  I'll tell you what though, I make this vow right here and now, I will not be cheating again any time soon.

Written at 11:30 pm on the same day
I'm not a very honest woman. You should sadly never take me at my word. I vowed to stick to this diet and 2 soft pretzels later I was not sticking quite as well as I had thought I might.  It didn't hit me then. It hit me MUCH later when I tried to drink a protein shake and was thrown off the couch by another wave of gripping nausea.  I ran to the bathroom as quickly as someone hunched over, grabbing both her mouth and her ass all the while screaming, "WHY ME" could really run. Once I was in that bathroom, it was mine. All mine!  In this bathroom I was meant to correct a very, very big wrong. But the suffering continued.  NOTHING happened in that bathroom.  Nothing leaked, popped or exploded. Nothing moved.  Nothing surrendered except for myself perhaps.  Maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be a better day!   Now I'm going to sleep for I'm utterly exhausted from a day of violent fights with my body.  I'm a mess.  Just an absolute mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can someone PLEASE tell me what thehell my problem is.  I can NOT stop crying. I'm crying over nothing, something and everything in between.  I cried because I dropped the remote control.  I cried because a sock fell from the dryer onto the floor. I cried when my neighbor asked me how I was doing. I cried when my therapist opened her door to welcome me back.  I cried when a strange woman offered to lead me to a place I didn't quite know the directs too.  I cried when a stranger held a door open for me.  I cried and cried and cried to the point of having to sit on the floor struggling for breath directly after someone said, "You have great hair."  What the hell is wrong with me?  Physically, I now feel fine. Absolutely, perfetly fine.  Emotionally, I should be locked away for a very, very long time. 

This is normal. This is all normal! My new mantra... This is normal. This is all normal.  But guess what, surely doesn't feel normal.  Feels like I'm a complete loon and the world should be very afraid.  Someone I know today said she'd pray for my sanity.  My response... "I'm certain everyone I ,have already or must shortly, come into contact with with surely appreciate those prayer. Better get started.....FAST!"

Well, I got home from the hospital yesterday. I had both the gastric bypass and my gallbladder removed. I wasn't the slightest bit nervous going into the surgery.  I wasn't worried about what would happen on the table. I had absolutely no fear of dying. I was just very excited!  Then I woke up and everything changed...

I woke up in pain. In severe pain. I have little memory of the first day. I just remember my best friend..the pain med pump.  I quickly learned that pumping the morphine 3 times makes you feel better.  BUT pumping it 4 times sends you to sleep. I was aiming for sleep and sleep I achieved. 

It really wasn't until day 2, once the pain meds machine was gone that my life turned upside down.  I share this part with you in case you're prone to depression and/or anxiety.  I suffered panic attack after panic attack after panic attack.  I couldn't lay down comfortably. I couldn't sit up comfortably.  I couldn't think straght.  I had no idea what to do.  I couldn't catch a breath and thought I was having a heart attack.  (I'm still having minor difficulty with deep breathing).  The reply you get from the nurses for every ailment is WALK, WALK, WALK.  I was in so much freakin pain and felt SOOOOOO full that how could I possibly walk if I could barely move?  So what's one to do????  I cried. I cried and cried and couldn't stop crying and quickly began sliding into a great depression because I felt SO out of control. 

So I kept requesting pain meds, kept taking pain meds and kept feeling worse. (Yes, I do run-on sentences beautifully!)  OK, turns out pain meds cause constipation.  The "full" feeling is gas.  Suffering my entire life with severe IBS, I never had gas.  Never understood it. Had no frame of reference. I would eat and then minutes later I would poop. No big deal EVER!  Apparently, the severe pain was actually gas pains made substancially worse by the ridiculously high amounts of pain meds I was consuming. 

So, WALK, WALK, WALK...I walked a hole into the bottomof my slippers.  My crocs were extremely uncomfortable and hurting my feet (as was every other part of my body) and the slipper socks the hospital provides are terrible uncomfortable to walk on as well. The floor is extremely hard and the walking was NOT helping.  So... I cried and cried and cried and thought about what a terrible mistake I had made.

Not only that ,but I had JUST finished my period and got it HEAVILY again right after surgery. Everything was extremely sensitvie and my boobs are HUGE. They felt heavier than ever before (still do). I had 2 choices...wear my bra (ouch, laying directly on my top incision; no good!) or go braless (ouch, boobs flopping all over my top 3 incisions).  My choices were limited and very bleak.  I called my parents, sent them to the store to buy me the largest sports bra they could find. It worked!  Not great, but certainly better, especially during all the walking.

Then I was discharged (on Saturday...yesterday!)  Got home and felt TERRIBLE!!!  Managed to drink maybe 6 oz of liquid throughout the entire day. That was it. Thought I would surely die. Then the most miraclous thing happened. Ar eyou rady???  I slept.  I actually got a full nights' sleep (which you do NOT get in the hospial, even when highly drugged) and it was as if the entire world changed during the 10 hours I slept.  The body pains went away.  The constipation went away. I FARTED!!!!!  I was pooping.  I had energy.  I drank water, had 2 cups of SF hot choc and a cupof decaf  today which isn't great (far less than my 64 oz) but FAR better than yesterday.  I also went on my first walk. 

I've lived in my neighbord for the last 9 years.  However, I've never walked through my neighborhood.  I took a full mile walk this morning.  It went great.  Easy, weather was perfect, the walk was great.  So good in fact that I decided to take another walk tonight.  Half way through my walk I opted to try another route.  Somehow, I managed to get so confused, so disoriented, that I got lost.  I'm now asking complete strangers, "How do I get home???"  It took me almost 3 hours of walking, and now sweating, and cursing and hurting to finally find my way home again.  I had been so close but so freakin far away. At one point I decided to simply lie down in the midle of the road so a car could run me over and just end the torture but then I wondered what TV I might end up missing and opted to keep walking instead.

OK, back on track....so, here are the things I've learned!

*As prepared as you think you are...you're not!
*Morphine pumped 3 x's makes the world a better place
*Morphine pumped 4 x's puts you to sleep.  Sleep is good!!!
*However, pain meds cause contipation
*Constipation and all the air they pump into you causes a severe feeling of bloating which can lead to pain.
*You will NOT die if you don't fart while still in the hospital
*Suppositiories don't always work
*Surprisingly, enemas can be your friend
*Most frequent talk in the hospital is about farting, pooping and walking
*Farting gets you cheers and appaulse (in the hospital setting ONLY people.  NOT in every day life.
*For those prone to depression and/or anxiety, this surgery can bring all of that out in you.
*The more you panic, the worse things are
*If you question your decision about thesurgery, you are NORMAL!
*Mantra...What you're going through is normal!  It's the panic that makes you think you are somehow different
*Crying is absolutely, total normal.  Was told a story (in the midst of a panic attack) from a nurse that she was working with this HUGE man.  When he came back for his 2 week visit he brought his wife. The wife asked this nurse, "What have you people done to my husband?  He hasn't stopped crying since he got home." The nurses never explained to him that emotions would be so raw thinking 'he's a dude, he won't be crying'. They were wrong!  If you are a crying mess, then cry!  Let it out.
*Bring Puffs Plus to the hospital with you.  The hospital tissues aren't great for us criers.
*The nurses are actually your friends even though you want to kill them each and every time they wake you or insist you get walking.
*The other patients on the floor are your friends (thank you Cristol and Jim!)
*PACK sneakers!  Slippers only work for so long. Sneakers will help you with the dreadful walking process
*Pack you own pillow. Some comfort!
*Pack maxi pads even if you just finished your period.  You'll likely get it  AGAIN! (Things are just so damn unfair sometimes!!!!!)
*PACK A SPORTS BRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Put on fresh sheets before leaving for the hospital because you will sleep beautifully once you get home
*A good night's sleep once you get home is the greatest mediine of all.

*Find a therapist you trust before having thesurgery so you have someone to lean on.
*Lean on family.  You will need them.

Yesterday I was suicidal.  I seriously called my therapist hysterical crying and telling her we had to do an emergency session IMMEDIATELY!!!!   Things were not good.

Today everything has changed.  Things ahve gotten 100% better.  Life is good again. I've feeling less hormal, less crazy, less abnormal.  My pain level is at a zero.  Things are going well.  A day can make all the difference.  Have someone stay with you the night you getdischarged, it canbe a hard night.  But remember, if itis...it's NORMAL!!!!  You will survive!

Best of luck to you all -REMI (and please forgive all the typos!)

Well, life is interesting to say the very least.  I am 36 years old and somewhat accomplished.  I live a pretty decent life.  I have worked hard (continue to do so) and have been blessed with a career I love, my own business, a house I adore, a absolutely neurotic dog, the greatest cat imaginable and beyond all this is my son.  My 5 year old little boy Jace is the most decent human being I have ever met...and I made him!!!  Amazing!  So, with all these good things in my life, I somehow still focus on the negative.  I focus on my flaws, like most women I suppose. Instead of seeing me for my strengths, of which there are many by the way, I see only weaknesses and it's sad...very sad.  For example, I'll take Oprah's battle with weight loss. Here she is, one who has accomplished more than most others would ever dream of accomplishing and yet she still sees part of her worth by the number on the scale or the size of her pants.  I find this terribly sad and yet I completely understand.  How screwed up is that???

I have struggled with my weight ever since puberty.  At some point between going outside to play with the neighborhood children and leaving for high school I went through puberty and it was tough.  My skin broke out everyone, my boobs grew and kept on growing, getting my period sent me to bed for 2 weeks out of each month and life utterly changed.  Sadly, I have yet to rebound from puberty. LOL.  Thanks to ProActive my skin is much better.  My boobs are still ridiculously huge and I HATE them!!!!! Maybe huge isn't the word so much as long.  I swear, when walking up the stairs I have to kick my boobs so they, too, reach the top.  And don't piss me off because one swing of my shoulders could give you 2 black eyes for sure.  I had my first mammogram and figured I could just send my boobs while I stayed here on the sofa.  But I digress...   Some of the struggle was due to my intense fear of food. I know it sounds silly, but it’s very true. There are MANY foods I have never tried and have a serious fear of ever trying. No idea why, but it doesn’t change the fact that to this day I have not ever had a salad. I don’t eat chicken or fish, not because I’m a vegetarian, just because I’m pretty sure I don’t like the taste even though I’ve never tried it. The only cheese I eat is white American signally wrapped (don’t even try with the yellow cheese ( NO!). I know, I’m sounding stranger and stranger by the sentence, but I’m not healthy when it comes to food…obviously. That’s how I got so large to begin with. I haven’t had a vegetable since the 70’s and my biggest fear is actually eating one. I spent the last 25 years of my life eating pizza, cheeseburgers, French fries, cheese steaks, chips, hot dogs and anything chocolate. By the way, I LOVED that food. But I most certainly didn’t love what it did to me… or what I did to myself I suppose I should say instead.   A perfect day/night for me would be…order in a large pepperoni pizza and cheese fries with bacon. Ohhh, mozzarella sticks too. Dairy Queen blizzard or Baskin Robbins chocolate peanut butter ice cream for desert. Stay home and eat, eat, eat while watching tv or a movie. This activity would only be enjoyable if by myself or around other fat people. This is NOT something I would do if I was with my skinny friends. NEVER!    Well, seems like all of those “fun” times have now ended. I am having gastric bypass surgery in only 6 days. No more eating senselessly.  This will be a very interesting journey as I try to build a healthier relationship with food and see it as fuel for my body instead of my friend, entertainment, relief from boredom, etc. My body’s going to begin changing soon, I can only hope my head catches up with it. I would write more but I’m on a liquid diet (5 days into it) and I can barely see or think any more at this point. So signing off… for now!