Rosa M.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

This is part of an email I sent to my friend Olga…It had so much info in it I thought I should post it, some of the stuff is a repeat. 

I don’t have anything going on right now.  I have been thinking about taking on on-line class, but that is just a thought.  You know how I can be – right now I am so engrossed with the WL and “focusing” on that (I thought that word may be a bit more positive than “obsessed”).  However I am attempting to venture out…I am looking into taking belly dancing classes, I need to learn to use my ab muscles.  I went to physical therapy because my lower back was hurting – she told me it was common for people who have lost a lot of weight to experience back pain because we learned to over compensate for the weight and now I need to relearn how to sit and stand – posture!

I have been shopping and pre-op I was wearing a size 9 to 9.5 shoes – now 8.5 are slipping off my feet.  It’s hilarious I look like I can’t walk because I am trying to grip my shoes with my toes as I walk…I know I must look like a dork!  So I have to update my shoe wardrobe –along with my clothes!  I was at Ross and wanted to buy a pair of boots.  I found a decent pair (the one’s I really want are at Macy’s and cost $180 so I may not be getting those right now) but I declined on buying them because the heel was too short!  I like my shoes with a three to four inch heel…Why?  Because for so many years I was unable to wear SEXY shoes…and now I can!  My hubby made a comment when we were going to my brother’s house for a bar-b-que; I had my jeans on and threw on my heels – he said “those are too high”.  I said no they are not – he said “I am telling you they are too high” – I went against my better judgment and changed my shoes – mostly because I thought “well maybe for a house bar-be que they are too highJ”. 

As far as my weight loss I have lost a total of 96 lbs as of this morning’s official weigh in at 164 lbs.  Can I hurry up and lose these 4lbs so that I can get my century club (100 lbs lost) card for my profile!  I am having a hard time finding clothes that fit ok because my stomach is still so heavy that I need more room around the waist, but then they are too big everywhere else…so I buy the smaller pants and wear longer blouses to cover the lonja (sp?).  I am wearing a size 10 missy stretch jeans 10 regular dress pants or 12petite dress pants…I can honestly say I think if I had a tummy tuck I might be in a size 8 or even 6, but remember if you saw me you would notice I am still big in the middle section and appear to be much larger than I am.  I am wearing medium size blouses as the larges are very droopy around the armpits, but I still buy some larges.   It is simply amazing…all the physical changes.  You know everyone keeps saying how they have the surgery for health – I didn’t have health problems – I did it because I wanted to look better and feel better about myself – it helps to have lost lots of weight but ultimately I have to learn to love myself again…one day at a time. 

How is (name removed) ? Has she gotten a chance to visit OH?  If she has opened up to you at all expressing interest in WLS – tell her this…There are so many diets out there – she has proved that one can loose weight by dieting.  WLS will give her a tool to keep the “stamina/pace” going – even when she becomes frustrated with herself.  If she is truly considering this as an option…don’t wait to enjoy your new self and your new body – if it is something she wants to do – one of the only regrets she will have is waiting...Let her know that OH is a great place to do research on the four main WLS…that it is a personal choice and she should be as informed about the differences of each. 

What about (name removed)?  I have called her and each time she is busy.  Tell her I said hello when you see or talk to her!  Let her know if she ever gets a free moment – call me, but I don’t want to keep calling her feeling like I am harassing herJ.   How is the (names removed)?  I haven’t heard or seen him since before the wedding – which in my own humble opinion is a “good thing”. 

Well Olga with life keeping us busy unfortunately relationships suffer….I miss you but I am glad as we have said before “pick up like we spoke yesterday”  that’s what I love about our friendship…there are no hard feelings about life getting in the way – unfortunate yes. 

Oooohhhhhh yeaaaa!!!!  I forgot to tell you this one…Last night I tried on my pre-op size 24 stretch jeans and asked Chato if he thought he could fit in them with me – he jumped in - he buttoned and zipped em up!!!!!  We woddled around the house looking at ourselves in different mirrors!  Simply amazing…I think I’ll put them on again and have Martin snap shot us…

I went to Kaiser in Sacramento to meet with a plastic surgeon.  I want to have my arms done, breast lift, inner thighs, and a whole LBL (lower body lift – tummy, hips, and butt lift).  I didn’t see a lot of pictures of woman with a big enough overhang on the stomach to make me feel comfortable that “he” is the one.  So I think my search for a plastic surgeon is not over.  I saw some pictures of the breast lifts he had done with no implants – honestly some of them looked better before surgery!  I had attended a seminar back in June – a guest p.s. from southern California was there…I really liked his work…I saw about 30 minutes worth of before and after pictures with extreme overhangs and excess skin;  I wish I could just go out to S. Cali and see him but I’ll have to wait until he is in this area to at least do the consult – I don’t have the 30 g’s it would cost to get this done right now anyway.

I was thinking about my prior post (right before this one – directly above – if you missed it - read it before moving forward) you know the one where I was wondering if and when “I will be able to forgive that poor woman let her die in peace and with my blessing...”   Well I sort of miss her!  

Really I was just thinking about her laugh and her great “jolly” all the time smile – that was me, that is who I am.  I wasn’t all that unhappy with her - well her personality…people liked her – even loved her, so why is it that I was feeling like I wanted her to DIE AND GO AWAY LIKE SHE NEVER EXISTED?  I think I was even willing to kill her and take the life sentence for doing it!  But I am feeling a little lost without her.  Rosa is funny, caring, can have a good time and hey was known for cuttin’ it up on the dance floor!  

I have noticed that I am sort of numb to my emotions right now.  I am not laughing that big ol belly ache laugh that comes from the gut (hey maybe it’s because I amputated and discarded my stomach like it was some old shoe) and I haven’t been smiling as much.  I realize this…this is how much I realize it…I used to go to the stores/banks, etc. and I would always have that “jolly” smile on my face, security guards / people would look and kind of just give me a nod of acknowledgement – I was fine with that.  As I began to loose this massive amount of weight I stopped smiling all the time more detached (I guess I was not feeling like I had to be accepted – cause I kind of blend in now) - guess what?  People are smiling at me – saying “how’s your day?” or “how are you today?”  You know I feel like I walk around sort of bitchy and ready to kick some ones ass if they look at me funny and I think “what the hell is that all about?”   I walk around acting like “bring it on” – come on just give me a reason and I get smiles and have a nice day!  But when I was miss jolly smile all day – people just kind of gave me the acknowledgement nods.  

I like this body I am currently driving around in – I know it still needs a certified mechanic to go in and fix and update a few things – but overall I am happy with my new look.  So those pictures of that gal with the jolly ol smile and flesh mounding all over her – that IS ME…I don’t have the bumper pads anymore (I could use some when sitting for long periods of time) but I am the same person.  It is so hard to explain…this is going so fast and so many different ways I feel like I don’t even make sense to my own self, so if it doesn’t make sense to you, I totally understand.  I am finding myself.  I am forced to deal with my emotions and feelings without food, so I am numb not reacting at all.  I am scared to death of drinking too much so I don’t drink often – Maybe once every two months!  

Last night husband was working & the kids in bed and it was only 9 p.m.  I had a book sitting on my dresser for like the last two years and decided it was time for me to start reading it.  Well when I opened it there were a few pictures in the front of the book...

Now these pictures are ones I have seen before...no new ones...but it was like looking at them for the first time.  I looked at them and could not believe what I was looking at.  I was huge, sloppy looking in one of them, and I was disgusted with myself.  I was upset...I wanted to cry because of the pain that was in my heart.  I just stared at those painful pictures (although I looked quite "Jolly" in them) - so at the time they weren't painful...it is now that I look back that it is painful to look at them - protective mechanism that kicks in right?

It just really caught me off guard...I wasn't prepared for what I was looking at.  I had thought about looking for old photos - that would have made me more prepared - I am seeking the old photos - before my rebirth.  I just thought my dear God why didn't I have this done sooner!  My only regret about VSG - I didn't do it sooner.  I don't want to beat myself up - I just want to look forward to a better healthier/happier life ahead of me.  I think about my soul and how even in those pictures I was were I was suppose to be “protected” by all the flesh around me.  I am just wondering if and when I will be able to forgive that poor woman let her die in peace and with my blessing...

for a little over a week, I checked my key tones yesterday and I was at the nearly negative for burning fat (I will check them again this morning- done back to moderate), I was down to 172 today, which gave me a weight loss of 1 lb.  I am glad and jumping for joy that I lost the pound, it seems my body wanted to hold on to it for dear life.  Usually I don’t get so worked up with loosing only one pound but it was soooo important for me to loose this one little measly pound because it took my BMI to 29.99 which = overweight!!!!  I am no longer in the obese class my dear friends, not morbidly obese, obese II or even just obese.  I am overweight and life is good.

At lunch I went to Target to purchase a pair of jeans and a jean skirt.  Today ladies and gentlemen I purchased a size 12 stretch misses jeans and a size 10 jean skirt...ok ok ok they are a little snug (jeans make my upper stomach come up some...but none the less I got my butt in a size 12 and 10!!!!!  

my WOW WOW WOW moment...As you all know I am down 87lbs -since surgery I have purchased only one bra...I broke down today and DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....I am wearing a freakin 36C !!!!!  

I hate to put a damper on things but the numbers sound sooooo much better than they look.  If I had to describe them I would have to say I wear a 36C Extra Long.  The physical looks like UU when it should look like oo!

I went out on Saturday night with my DH.  We went to a local bar to listen to music.  I had two cocktails (vodka, water, splash of cranberry over ice) in the span of about three hours.  OMG I was so intoxicated…pre-op I would have had to have seven or eight to get to the level I was at – not only that I didn’t even finish my second drink!  I did have a great time – I wasn’t hung over or anything, but I did make sure I drank lots of water during the day because I knew I was going out and enjoy a drink or two…I think one will be my limit – WHAT A CHEAP DATE I HAVE BECOME! 

Ok here goes my Sunday story.  I had been talking and emailing Olga (I have know Olga since the 7th grade 1981-we married cousins) we have been wanting to get together…she cracks me up…she says because she is sentimental and wants to see me before I get to goal and she misses any in betweens.  Any ho we finally were able to get together on Sunday morning.  My DH was working, kids were at their Aunts house for the weekend, so off I went (about a 45 minute drive) on my own.  Now everything was fine for me up until I got closer to the house, I guess I kinda had an anxiety attack.  I was missing my security blanket – yea DH and/or kids!  I had to do this on my own…see family without having them as a buffer. 

So I get lost getting to their house and her DH is giving me directions and says “oh yea keep going straight I can see you – I am standing outside”.  I became a little nervous I hadn’t seen Olga (she says in over 8 months) and her DH since April.  Since he was outside I didn’t have time to sit in the car and kinda pull myself together – you know phy yourself up get ready mentally-all that stuff.  I get out of the car walk up and give him a hug and kinda walk by to hurry and get in…he is looking at me in aw and then Olga comes down the stairs – I got a glimpse of her causally walking down the stairs but then she focuses on me and I can see the OMG! Look on her face - so glancing back and forth between her and her DH just became so overwhelming that I started to cry.  

I wasn’t offended or hurt that they were looking at me, but I guess I was unsure of how I was suppose to react and as a matter of fact I didn’t know and still don’t know what emotions I was experiencing.  Their expressions were by far the BEST compliments I have received, but I didn’t know what to do with them.  Since this has happened I have to say that I am glad it happened with Olga, because I was able to just let my emotions (what ever they were) flow.  I told Olga that Fernando (her DH) probably thought I needed to be on meds.  Olga was very sensitive and compassionate towards my feelings and me expressing them (she has read my journal so she has a better understanding of the changes and emotions that I have gone/going through).  So as far as my goals/milestones/things I can’t wait for list like surprising and shocking friends & family who haven't seen me – well this was accomplished on Sunday August 27, 2006 by surprising and shocking the HELL OUT OF OLGA & FERNANDO!