Just another day in pair of dice..

Oct 12, 2010

Yeah. It's a stupid title. What can I say, I'm stupid like that.
Anyway, as of today, I am 110 pounds down. I am wearing a size 18, which I haven't done since my senior year in highschool and I feel fantastic! Since my weight loss isn't as rapid, it feels like my hormones aren't raging as drastically as before. I am still losing inches, even if I am not losing weight. I was at a stall for 3 weeks (couldn't seem to get below 240) but I started losing again on Monday. I am now down to 235. I went down to the cafe for my morning decafe and the woman who is at the register told me I look fantastic. Another woman who I work with but rarely see came over and said I looked great too. Then they asked me the dreaded "...but how do you FEEL?!?!?" Looking better is great, but how you feel is what really matters. The past 6 months have been a roller coaster! I have had no regrets regarding my surgery. I love that I did this and feel like I made the right choice for me. I feel good! I mean REALLY good! Over the past 6 months I couldn't honestly say that. Yes, I was happy with my weight loss and feel like I am being successful. But can I say that I was happy? No, I can't. My hormones were driving me crazy. All I wanted was sex and my husband couldn't provide enough. I can really see why some marriages end after this surgery. I was (and am) getting attention from people who wouldn't give me the time of day before. My husband is afraid I am going to leave him because he can't do for me what I need him to do. And now that I am losing weight, he is more afraid that I will find someone who can. It's no wonder that a large percentage of marriages end. Do I plan to leave my husband? Hell No. Am I going to give in to the advances of the other people? Hell FUCKING No. If you didn't want me when I weighed 350, why would losing 110 pounds turn you on now? I'm still the same person I was when I was larger. I still have the same wants and desires. I am still ME whether you saw it or not. Just because my outer shell has changed, doesn't mean who I am did. I had people who were interested in me BEFORE the surgery. Just because you notice me now doesn't mean I am gonna drop to my knees and thank the gods. I didn't need you before. I don't need you now. I have my husband. I have my kids. I have my family and a few good friends. I was never the "popular girl" to begin with. I've always been the "loner". I have no desire to be a cheerleader or date the quarterback. I dress how I want to dress. I act how I want to act. I am who I want to be. My husband loves me for it. My kids are amazingly well adjusted despite it. All the rest can bite me. The only new friends I have made are people who have gone through this, same as I have. I have no desire to become popular. I love my life and I love how it's changed since the surgery. I am embracing it. I work, play mom, play wife and go to the gym. I have my hobbies and my music. Family and friends. I have all I need and more than I deserve. I'm happy. Go Fuckin' Figure. I am HAPPY. (Yup, I'm smiling while I type... must look like a complete and utter psycho). I admit, there is a part of me that wonders how long it will last. I don't have the naivity to believe it will be forever. But while I've got it, gonna run with it! Happy happy happy happy...
Anyway, last time I saw my mom (I don't see her often since most of her time is taking cafe of my brother and his issues) she was shocked when she saw me. It had been almost 2 months and I had lost almost 40 pounds. She couldn't believe it. After all the negative things she said regarding the surgery and how when she sees how little I eat it makes her sick, it was nice to get some posativity from her. I have gotten nothing but posative feedback from people. I know a lot of people don't announce their surgery. I practically broadcast it over the PA. Maybe it's just my personality... or the fact that people find me unapproachable... but not a single person has made any negative comments to me (other than my mother, and she stopped when I snapped on her about it). I know a lot of people have had bad experiences with telling people. I am happy I haven't, tho if one was made while my hormones were raging, I would be mroe than happy to rip whom ever it was a new asshole... I had a lot of built up rage and frustration... Thank God for the gym!
Anyway, I should end this here. Sorry this entry is going all over the damn place subject wise. I'm feeling kind of hyper and too many thoughts at once... Overload!!
Later people! As always, LOVE YA
-CC

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