shannondita

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Co worker brought in some videos for indoor walking.  I did the one and two mile set last night- total of 3 miles just like that! It was nto bad at all! 

I would suggest these if you are one that hates to put on their shoes and leave the house on some days.

I have fell back in love with Veggie Burgers. Spicy black bean veggie burgers, prime garden burgers, and cheese burger veggie burger...yummy! They are very mushy and easy to get down.
I got a new favorite that I made today...a version of Shephards Pie using veggie burgers, instant potatoes, sauteed carrots with a topper of melted cheese.
YUMMY!!!
I still have really, really tight restriction and it hurts a little to go down...but not as bad as real meat.
So far so good on new goal of more veggies and protein shakes....


today meals

bkfast- protein shake 
lunch- protein shake
dinner- shephards pie
snack- sugar free choc/mint pudding

I have the best example for this.....

Today at my doctor appt I spoke to the nutrionist and then was sent back to the waiting room to wait for my surgoen.

I sat listening to the other patients talk about their surgery last week. One of the ladies turned to me and said
 " Look what you get to look forward to WHEN you get your surgery!"

I was fucking speechless!

She then says...."when IS your surgery?"

Again....speechless but now fighting back big crocodile tears....

"Um, I had mine 3 months ago" I said sheepishly telling myself  Dont cry! Dont cry here!

I instantly wanted to do the things that made pain go away before....disappear......I wanted to eat and binge....Yeap I knew it! I was a fat fucking loser and now I was a fat fucking loser that didnt look like I had weight loss surgery!!! I dont deserve to live!

(if this is dramatic to you ..then you are not an emotional binge eater...if this makes perfect sense and you are thinking OMG I would eat a whole cake after that...then you understand where  I am coming from.)

Sidenote- I had taken extra time to apply make up, a nice dress that was 2 sizes smaller than before surgery, my hair was perfect and I had on a knock out pair of black heels. I felt great. I try to look good when I go see my doc so he knows just how much I have changed. I mean before surgery I wore sweats...this is a HUGE change!

So fast forward to being with doc in the room being feeling very vunerable....I started crying and couldnt stop. He was very comforting ( although he didnt know why I was crying)

Ok so here is the answer to the above subject line question....


The way I know therapy is working...is that when I finally evaulated what was said,  I wanted to hurt her not myself. I appropriately wanted to knock her teeth down her throat rather than binge. I wanted to hurt what was hurting me not just self inlfect pain. 

Wow!

I have not binged today... I dont want to.

Went for my follow up appointment after last fill today. I had lost 6-ish pounds and felt the energy of a much younger girl.
I was so proud to tell my surgeon the new things that had transpired since last visit. 
I saw the nutritionist and she was very happy to see my progress. My band is still really tight and a small amount is very filling.
Dr Sarantos is very happy with my progress and says I am doing well. I told him that I felt like a failure with only a 13 lbs weight loss since surgery date....22 lbs since liquid pre surgery diet....he reminded me I just hit the sweet spot so now is my time to take off and run with weight loss. "it should fly off now"...he says  "be patient"...."we are the turtle int he race...we  will get there be patient" 
I cried ( see later blog why) in his presence and he hugged me and told me he knew I was wanting this really bad and I was a beautiful girl and I would get there.

"When Food is Love- Exploring the relationship between eating and itimacy" by Geneen Roth

This is an amazing book! If you have ever been a closet eater (lol not eaten your closet but hid food from others or the amounts you ate), a binge eater or just someone that ate when they felt down this is totally for you. Buy it, rent it, go to the library....I promise you it will be worth it's weight in DIAMONDS! She writes MY story...every page I swear she is talking about me! I hope that if you find food your number one friend you will search for this jewel.

I was also given a cd called

"What to do in the middle of a binge" also by Geneen Roth.

It is a cd that you put in when you feel like binging....or if you are in the middle of a binge...or if you caught it too late and have already binged.....It is 3 sections so you go to the part that is relative to your situation.

I am a binge eater and after surgery it didnt change....well the amounts surely did but not the NEED to binge. It was here no matter what and I couldnt fill it with food so it made me very anxious and depressed. I didnt want to change my addiction to alcohol, sex or drugs...so I chose to fix it.

This has also been very helpful to me.

She has a website (google her name i think it may be geneenroth.com but wouldnt swear but it.) She did not have the surgery or has never admitted to it, so it isnt about the surgery at all. It is about WHY we abused food. For me I had to get down to the soul of my problem...yeah I bought a 17 thousand dollar lap band.....but it didnt do crap for my soul or mind.  But these tools are restoring what the band cant.

I am finally feeling whole again...or for the first time.... :)

Shannon

Is now banned from my house forever!!!!! I went shopping and thought...why not some cherrios??? Today I realized why. They go down perfectly...no pain and slide right passed the band with ease. So does the icecream. Although both products are not unhealthy they have no nutrition value to offer me, and I can eat alot more of them.
So the birds got the rest of my box of cereal. Yeap I tossed it because the temptation was too strong to leave it in the house.
I thought the birds  and squirrels wouldenjoy it....when the dogs went outside they beat the birds to it! Who knew dogs liked dry cherrios???
So no more cereal and icecream in quantity in my house!

The pain with restriction and eating something that doesnt agree with your band is PAINFUL!!!!!
I ordered a salad tonight - take out because I am not sure what I can hold down or not...things come up quickly and I dont want to try this is front of people.
I had my salad...and my trusty "just in case I get sick bag"...yeap a staple now a days.
I ate probably 4 bites and was stuffed...I ate more because I knew I needed the veggies...pushing pass the full point is a BAD idea. The pain is really bad. It feels like your chocking except you can breath...kind of....because the food is lodged in your esophagus not your larnyx but the pain is so great it takes your breath away! 
I gave the rest to the puppies and they again were delighted!

I cant believe it has been 3 months already. I am so happy I am now having restriction!
My co workers and friends are upset that I keep throwing up and think I should go back to doctor, but I am convinced it is eating to fast or ME doing soemthing to cause it. For instance tonight I ate soup...a whole can and it stayed down fine....key was nothing to drink with it not even a sip.
Last night and this morning threw up twice...both times I might have been too sleepy to be eating slow enough or drank too soon after it.
What I am saying is...I  got my restriction and NO ONE is taking it away!!!!  I will adjust MY behavior to the band not the other way around. 
I think it is hard to understand how I have done so well until now and now I start getting sick all the time. When I believe I havent had restriction and could eat a house and a horse without even a tummy rumble...now a few bites and I know it. 
I say thank god for restiction!!!!!!
I dont know if this is what  my sweet spot is,but I pray it stays this way!
My stats=
3 months out....
begin weight 276 now 252
waist went down almost 4 inches
size 24 down to a 20 pants
size 22 down to a xl or 16/18 top
bra 42c to 40c

I had been using fitday.com daily and it was such a benefit. If you are on my friends list you know cause I emailed it to you! I was doing good all the way around....
Confession time:
Somewhere in May I fell off the wagon..hard. I was due to see my mother, the first time since surgery and I was so proud of myself. I had lost almost 30 lbs since the liquid diet- give or take- and dropped a few dress sizes. I had shopped and bought numberous outfits...trying to find the perfect one. I wore them to work and had my co worker decide on the best one. The one that really showed off my success. I woke up early put on makeup did my hair and drove to see her. I stopped at a CVS before getting there and checked my hair reapplied lipstick  and was ready to go. I felt great. On top of the world!!!!
So I get there and my mom doenst say a word...nothing..NOTHING!!!!!! ( compared to everytime I have ever seen her it is ALL about my weight!) The whole weekend nothing about my weight loss. Two days later I get an email again nothing about my sucess.
Now for the confession- Something happened in my head that day and I knew it... I felt really bad because she didnt give me any repsonse...I could feel the depression coming on. We went to a restaraunt immediately upon my arrival I went to the bathroom and had to fight back tears. I felt foolish for feeling so good about myself. I felt foolish for dressing up. Foolish for allowing myself to feel good about myself.
I didnt mean to...but after that day I quit. I quit everything...eating right, counting calories, restricting bad foods, journeling on fitday...hell I didnt even post here often.
Now this really gets me that I depended so much on her response that I let it all go. 
I look back and I am so angry at myself for letting her...ok that is wrong...she didnt do anything I have to take responsibility for this....I am mad at me for giving up on myself because of her lack of response.
I know now that I had no support group, no one to cheer me on except for my poor male co worker that tries as he might cant be my end all be all support team. 
Now I am back on track....with a support team of Dr Martin, a real support group, my physicians a couple of friends online and yes my poor abused co worker, Wes.
I cant make her love me the way I want her to. But I will quit punishing myself for it.

I have some serious restriction!  I love it...and it's weird at the same time. I still have to remind myself to slow down when I am drinking. I need a tattoo on my hand to remind myself I had wls...Sounds retarded but I do things and totally forget....drink fast.....drink and eat.....but now thanks to restriction i am reminded.
These last two days I have finally felt like I had the surgery...thank god for 1/10 of a cc!