sun4me21

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I'm am just so lost for words!  I am soo completely discusted with my self.  I just dont understand,  I want this surgery but i guess not enough.  I have had the worst struggle with my self this week,  i have gone way overboard and have eatin everything in site.  i just dont understand my self i do soo good for 2 days, then i just give up.  I have talked about this with my dad, and he told me that motivation comes from with in and maybe there is something inside me telling me that i'm not ready.  but who is ready for this???  who is ready to go through this emotional rollercoaster??  I meet with the nut on tuesday and i have my book to show her but no weight loss...   I need to get my self motivated i am desperately trying to find what wil do that for me.  i want to be healthy.  i watch all these shows and i dont want to get that bad.  i cant take it no more....

WELL I JUST WANTED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT I HAD MY PSYCH EVAL AND IT WENT AWESOME ! NO SWEAT!

I HAVE TRIED REALLY HARD THIS WEEK SO LETS HOPE THAT I START LOSING SOME LBS!!! WELL I GOTTA WORK TOMORROW YUCK!!!! MY BABY IS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL, AND HOME IN HER BED !


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TO ALL.....


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WELL I HAVE GONE TO THE GYM 3 TIMES THIS WEEK, 1ST DAY WASNT AS PRODUCTIVE AS THESE PAST FEW.  I'VE BEEN DOING 30 MINUTES ON A STATIONARY BIKE AND I'VE GONE 6 MILES TO KNOW WHERE!  BUT I LIKE IT CAUSE IT TELLS ME HOW MANY MILES I CAN DO IN 30MINS.  I HAVE STOPPED SMOKING AND TAKING THE CHANTIX.   IT MAKES ME FEEL SO AWEFUL!  I'M SOO TIRED THIS WEEK I THOUGHT EXERSIZE WAS SUPPOSE TO HELP YOU KEEP YOUR ENERGY??  I WAS READING THE MAINBOARD AND SOMEONE HAD SAID SOMETHING ABOUT A VITAMIN THAT HELPS, SO I THINK THAT I AM GONNA TRY THAT.  I HAVE MY EVAL TOMORROW AND I AM GETTING CLOSER ( I HOPE) TO HAVING A SURGERY DATE. 

MY BABY NIECE IS IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN ASTHMA ATTACK, POOR BABY HAD TO HAVE AN IV PUT IN AND EVERYTHING.
SHE HAS TO STAY ANOTHER NITE BUT HOPFULLY THEY GET A HOLD ON THIS PROBLEM.  WELL HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

WELL YESTERDAY I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL TO HAVE MY ENDO DONE.    SO WEIRD I WAS SLEEPIN BEFORE THE GAVE ME THE SLEEPY DRUGS.   I REMEMBER THEM GOING IN WITH THE TUBE AND THATS IT.  OH AND THE ROOM WAS SOOO COLD.  I WAS SO NERVOUS THEY HAD TO GIVE ME THE MUSCLE RELAXER FIRST SO I COULD BRING MY BLOOD PRESSURE DOWN.  BUT I WOKE UP FEELIN SO WEIRD.  AND MY THOAT WAS SORE.  AFTER WE LEFT MY FRIENDTOOK ME TO EAT AND I HAD 4 BITES OF PASTA AND I COULDNT EAT ANYMORE.   I GOT A STAWBERRY SMOOTHIE AND THAT WENT DOWN NICE AND SMOOTH.  I WASNT HUNGRY UNTIL 8PM AND ATE A SMALL BOWL OF SPAGHETTI AND A SLICE OF BREAD AND WENT TO BED.   THAT WHOLE WHEAT PASTA ISNT THAT BAD.  I ENDED UP SLEEPIN MOST OF THE DAY.  THOSE ARE SOME POWERFUL DRUGS.   THE DR SAID THAT THERE IS NO REASON NOT TO HAVE SURGERY, BUT HE DID HAVE TO STRETCH MY ESOPHOGUS I HAD FOOD THAT KEPT GETTING STUCK.  WELL I HAVE BEEN ON CHANTIX SINCE MONDAY AND I AM LOSING THE TASTE FOR BUTTS,  THEY TASTE SO NASTY AND IF WHEN I WANT ONE AND TAKE ONE FROM PAUL (HE SMOKES MARB RED) (I SMK MENTHOL) IT TASTE GROSS AND MY STOMACHE STARTS TO HURT.  SO MY BRAIN IS STARTING TO FIGUERE OUT THAT IF I DONT SMOKE I WONT FEEL AWEFUL.  SO YESTERDAY AND  WEDNESDAY I DIDNT REALLY KEEP TRACK OF MY DIET,  I FEEL SO SICK ALL THE TIME AND JUST DONT WANT TO EAT.  (STUPID CHANTIX) BUT I GUESS THATS GOOD CAUSE THEN I CANT GAIN WEIGHT.  AND LETS SEE THE EXERSIZE THING ISNT HAPPENING EITHER CAUSE I FEEL SO YUCKY ALL THE TIME.  ONE THING AT A TIME I GUESS, STOP SMOKIN AND THEN DIET AND EXERSIZE. 

ONLY HAVE 2 OTHER APPOINTMENTS THIS MONTH,  MY PSYCH EVAL NEXT WEEK AND 3 WEEKS MY NEXT MEETING WITH MY NUT.  MAYBE BY MONDAY I WONT BE SMOKIN ANYMORE AND I CAN GO ON SERIOUS DIET AND GET TO THE GYM AND LOSE LIKE 5LBS BEFORE I MEET WITH MY NUT.  ..   WELL THATS ALL THE NEWS THAT I HAVE THIS WEEK.  TO ALL MY SUPPORTS ON HERE HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY YOU ARE ALL SO AWESOME!!

WELL TODAY IS SO MUCH BETTER! I GO FOR MY ENDO TOMORROW NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT BUT I GET TO SLEEP YAY!  I'VE BEEN SO TIRED LATELY, GOTTA GET MYSELF TO THE GYM!!!    I THINK I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO START A GOAL FOR MYSELF FOR THIS WEEK.  500 MINS OF EXERSIZE SHOULDNT BE SO BAD, BUT I'M GONNA START SMALLER GONNA DO 300MINS OF EXERSIZE THIS WEEK OR DO IT FOR EVEN 2 WEEKS TO GET USED TO IT!   THEN UP IT!  

I HAVE A PSYCH EVAL ON THE 9TH I WANNA LOSE THE THREE LBS I GAINED BACK WHEN I GO TO THE OFFICE!   AND WOULD LIKE TO LOSE 6 BEFORE I MEET WITH THE NUT AGAIN ON  THE 23RD.   LETS GO ME!!!

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY ALL!

TODAY I'M NOT DOING SO WELL, I TOOK MY CHANTIX PILL THIS MORNING AND FEEL LIKE DOING NOTHING. I CALLED AND MADE A HAIR APPOINTMENT TODAY MAYBE THAT WILL CHEER ME UP!  I HAD THE INTENTIONS TO DROP THE KIDDOS OFF TO SCHOOL AND THEN GO TO THE GYM.  WELL THAT DIDNT HAPPEN.  I FEEL TIRED LIKE I WANNA SLEEP.  I HAVE A GOOD LIFE AND HAD AN AWESOME WEEKEND.  BUT TODAY I JUST FEEL DOWN RITE BAD!  I KNOW THAT THE CHANTIX HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT,  IT SAYS ON TV THAT IT CAN CAUSE BAD EFFECTS,  BUT I JUST GOTTA QIUT SMOKIN! I REFUSE TO BE HELD BACK BECAUSE OF THAT.

EVERYDAY I COME HERE AND LOOK FOR PEOPLE THAT ARE WHERE I AM,  AND I HAVENT FOUND ANY.  I WOULD LIKE TO MEET SOME PEOPLE THAT ARE DOING THIS WITH ME. DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVE THE PEOPLE THAT ALRDY WENT THROUGH THIS AND THEY OFFER THIER WORDS OF WISDOM!  I JUST FEEL SO ALONE AND LIKE THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN,  IINFRONT OF EVERYONE I AM COOL AND COLLECTIVE AND WORKING HARD, BUT DEEP INSIDE I AM CRYIN THAT I'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO THE DAY OF SURGERY.   I NEED SOME ENERGY, I FEEL SO GROGY ALL THE TIME, ANY ONE HAVE SOME POINTERS ON HOW TO GET MORE ENERGY????

WELL I DONT HAVE TOO MANY APPOINTMENTS THIS WEEK JUST MY ENDOSCOPY, THAT SHOULD BE REAL FUN! NOT!
I DONT THINK I HAVE TOO MANY APPT THIS MONTH,  I HAVE MY SLEEP STUDY IN OCTOBER, HOPEFULLY I DONT HAVE SLEEP APNEA.  I DONT WANT ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE SLEEP WITH.

I KNOW THAT I CAN DO THIS I JUST NEED A GOOD TALK WITH MYSELF.. AND SOME MOTIVATION!   

ANOTHER SAD NOTE I HAD LOSS 6LBS AS OF FRIDAY AND JUST THIS WEEKEND I HAVE GAINED 3 BACK..... I HATE DIETING IT MAKES ME SAD IF I MESS UP

I JUST DONT KNOW.....

Well yesterday i tried really hard to keep with my diet.  i did weigh myself in the moring and just went about my day.  im having a hard time to get back to the gym.  ever since the nut cut my calories from 2000 to 1300-1500, i have been losing energy.  i do notice when i eat more protien it keeps me moving.  but i've gone from 6 MT DEWs a day to none and only having one coffee a day so that could be putting a damper on it.  I'm not forcing myself to go to the gym, but i am going to let my body get used to the less calories this week.  maybe next week i can get back to normal.

I wonder if my next meeting with the nut if she will decrease my calories again? 

So i did get on the scale again this moring and i lost another 2lbs!  a totoal of 6 gone !    Im soo excited!  

Thanks to all my friends here that understand that this is hard!

Well yesterday I was soo naughty!  I feel soo aweful.  I had plans that i was going to work out and go to work and behave myself,  well that didnt happen!   Instead of working out i went shopping and instead of having a nice healthy lunch i ate little ceaser bread sticks and it made me ill i was in the bathroom all day!  So I didnt go to work.  But today is a new day and i'm gonna make it better!  I am at work and i'm going to the gym after and going to have a good lunch! 

But heres the weird thing i've lost a total of 4lbs since i started!  YAY ME!  Lets hope i behave this weekend,  It is a holiday.   I would love to meet some people that are finished witht he process of pre op and post op.  I just feel so alone with this journey.  My other half is kind but not going through what i go throu,  and he is going to support me no matter what but everyone else in my family just doesnt get it.  My grandmother sent home some of my favorite cookies for the kids,  um hello lady i cant eat that and would prefer it not be in my house! 

My dad is away on an job in tennesse, and my mom is a recoving alcoholic who is on every drug that you can think of and is always in pain.  so shes not very dependable!!   then there is my sister, she has my neice who is the angel of my eye, and is pregnant and due in december,  so i am the one that has her daughter all the time.  and she has enough stress that she calls me all the time to releive it.  so i really dont have anyone who i can just go to and tell them that i failed today and for them to tell me its ok you have tomorrow!  Well i guess that i will be just fine..... i've made it 26 yrs alone and doing things for myself and only relying on only me, so what the rest of my life? 

WELL I HAVE TO WORK ALL DAY SO I AM NOT SURE IF I AM GONNA MAKE IT TO THE GYM TODAY... MAYBE IF I GET SOME ENERGY WHEN I LEAVE WORK I'LL GO..    IT JUST FEELS SOO GOOD TO GO THERE IT LIKE THE STRESS LEAVES MY BODY.  MY WORRIES AND TROUBLES COME TO THE SURFACE AND I HAVE TIME TO SORT THEM OUT AND THEY SEEM NOT SO BAD. 

EVERYDAY I COME ON THIS WEB SITE AND JUST SITE AND LOOK AT THE BEFORE AND AFTER PICS OF EVERYONE AND SOME HOW ITS MY MOTIVATION.   SOME OF THEM LOOK COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, BUT THEY LOOK SO HAPPY.  I HAVE WANTED TO BE SMALLER AND HEALTHIER ALL MY LIFE.  NOW IT JUST SEEMS LIKE ITS RIGHT THERE AND I CANT GRAB IT.  I STILL HAVE ALOT OF STUFF TO DO LIKE THE NUT MEETING AND THE SLEEP STUDY, PSYCH EVAL,  LOSE 30LBS AND MEET WITH MY DR.  POSSIBLY EVEN MORE STUFF BUT THAT IS ALL I KNOW RIGHT NOW.  AND MY WORST CHALLENGE,  TO QUIT SMOKIN'..... THAT STARTS MONDAY! I GOT MY TRUSTY ELASTIC BAND, (LETS SEE IF IT WORKS!)  AND JUST KEEP UP THE GYM THING! 

MY GRANDMA SEEMS TO THINK THAT I CAN DO THIS ALONE. WITH OUT HAVING THE SURGERY.  BUT DOESNT SHE REALIZE ITS NOT THAT EASY THAT IF IT WAS I WOULD BE 180LBS NOW!!!  SOMETIMES I WONDER IF SHE EVEN LISTENS TO ME OR IS SHE JUST TOO OLD TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF NEW TECHNOLOGIES?  (GOD LOVE HER THOUGH).  EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESNT REALLY UNDERSTAND THIS SHE HAS BEEN MY ANGEL,  IF IT WOULDNT HAVE BEEN FOR HER MY SON AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME ROUGH TIMES.  EVEN NOW SHE HELPS ME SOO  MUCH.  I AM TRUELLY BLESSED TO HAVE HER!