tiffers1983

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Well, to start out this post, I am going to say a good thing... #1, I am taking care of myself!! I am now only 20 lbs away from meeting my goal of being under 200 lbs by the end of 2010!! I feel like this is a VERY realistic goal now, and there is hope in sight!!  I am excited to think that for the first time since early high school, I could be under 200 lbs!!! It's unbelivable, really...

Things are better... I'm still a little down, but things are definitely looking up. I'm trying to stay positive. The dog situation is much better... Lucy is going potty outside all the time now, and she is really helping to keep me company  I am really proud of her and proud of myself that she could be re-trained to go potty like she should. This is my first dog, so I had no real experience with any of this. I am really excited that it worked and my patience has paid off!! I'm also very happy that I didn't take her back to the dog warden like I said I was going to. I was just very frustrated, and I didn't know what to do. She is now my companion, and I love her very much!!

As for other things, Matt and I have talked about a lot of things... after Saturday night's events, Sunday was a horrible day. I'm thankful to have my best friend Katie who hung out with me the entire day... that was a huge help and relief -- I needed someone to just take care of me that day!! Matt pretty much ignored me all day, which I understand. He did text me and said he wasn't ready to talk yet. We ended up talking Sunday a little, and Monday a lot. Sunday morning, he texted me and said he was really sorry about how everything happened the night before whether I believed him or not, and he told me to have a great day. I was shocked that he apologized, first of all. And, from what he and others told me, usually when he breaks up with people, he completely ignores them after the fact. He hasn't ignored me -- in fact, we've talked just about the same as we did before.

So, Monday, we talked on the phone and through text message, and I also went over to his apartment to talk about everything. It was nice to see him, to talk to him, and to see his son Braden whom he was watching that night (I'm so attached... lol). We went through the text messages that were sent Saturday, he explained to me more what they meant and who sent which ones (he told me only a couple were typed by other people and he didn't want me to be mad at them), and he explained himself a little better about everything. After going back over the text messages, I realized they weren't that bad, and like I told him, at a certain point, I started messing with him right back because it was sort of entertaining. The ones that bothered me, we went over in great detail... Plus, he admitted that he was pretty tipsy, and he wasn't thinking about anything he was doing or saying or how they might affect me or him at the time. He told me that Brian sent the text about my hairy arms, which really annoyed me. Matt said he wouldn't have sent that because he knew that was something I was insecure about. Then, the one that said "things were never really good," he explained that the word good is generic. He told me things weren't ever good, they were actually great and amazing. He enjoyed every minute of our relationship, just as I did. He said he's just afraid to commit for many different reasons. I understand where he's coming from, but I also told him he needs to let himself go with the flow a little more rather than thinking so deeply about everything and he should stop listening to what others say all the time. From what he told me, everyone that he's close to that really do not know me that well told him that I am rebounding. Of course, after hearing it over and over, he began to believe it, no matter what I said. I'm not rebounding, and my best friends who know me the best KNOW that I'm not. Divorce takes lots of time and money, which requires preparation... I've been talking about filing for divorce for six months -- it wasn't something I decided to do one day and did it that same day!! Geez... My best friends know that I've been the happiest recently that I have been in a LONG time while I was with Matt, and I was over Brad a long time ago. I'm having a hard time separating from Brad right now emotionally because we were together for eight years, but I knew a long time ago that we weren't going to be able to work our issues out. I'm still not rebounding... but anyway, the other text about him breaking up with me so he doesn't cheat he said was just a ridiculous excuse. He promised me that he's not talking to anyone else, and that he still really likes me. He's just scared to commit to one person at this time... and I told him that's fine with me, too. I'm not even divorced yet, and I don't need to get myself into a serious relationship right off the bat. So, we've taken a step back. We're planning on talking still, which we have every day since the breakup, and we'll still hang out too. He's supposed to come over tonight after he gets off of work. I'm making dinner. And, as for Lucy my dog that he helps take care of, he took her for me tonight. So, I know he'll still be helpful with her too... I'm happy things are better!! 

Now, I will say this... since I'm not technically in a committed relationship, I'm willing to meet other people... lol So, if you know anyone who is single that I might get along with, don't hesitate to introduce me  lol!! I really like Matt a lot, and I really hope one day we can further our relationship, but I'm also not holding my breath... I'm just going to enjoy how things are for now and as I said earlier "go with the flow." Thanks for listening, as always!!   

Wow... my life is a mess... lol It's sad, but I'm kinda laughing about it at this time... I'm tired of crying! This week has been ridiculous... First of all, I'll give the good news first... I have officially lost 100 lbs as of Friday!!!!!  That was the only happy and exciting thing that happened this week... Things started last Sunday...

I had a great day with Matt, my significant other... We both fell in love with this sweet beagle named Lucy, and he decided he would buy her for me... So, I officially adopted a dog, my first one ever, on Tuesday. She's adorable, but she has had issues with going potty outside... I'm learning to retrain her. So, I got really frustrated on Thursday, and I called Matt crying. I told him I wanted to take her back because I couldn't deal with everything. He didn't talk to me the entire night... Friday morning, I get the "text message of death" saying "We need to talk"... and you know automatically what that means... So, he ignored my calls and text messages all day (which he said was because his phone was dead all day), and I went over his place after I got off of work Friday (7pm -- I went in and worked on my day off -- and I figured if it was over, I needed to go get my little bit of stuff from his apartment)... I completely caught him off guard. He told me how upset he was about my response to the dog issues, and he told me he was going to break up with me that day but had mostly decided against it. I explained to him what all was going on, and I apologized. We had a good evening together, and before I left he hugged/kissed me and said everything was okay. Saturday, we talked on the phone at least three times, and everything seemed fine. He decided to stay home and not hang out with me, which is fine, so I decided to go to a Halloween party for a couple hours. I called him on my way to work from the party, and he didn't answer. What happens next shocks the hell out of me... He texted me and said "It's over." And, he never really gave me a good explanation. He said "we weren't ever really good," and he also told me he was breaking up with me because our friend Brian wants to "rebound with me." He even wrote on Brian's Facebook and said and "did it for you" meaning breaking up with me... really!!?? Ridiculous... Then, he told me that my "hairy arm thing is a huge turn off." That really hurt me because I told him before that it's an insecurity of mine -- I've gotten teased about it my whole life. And, he told me he wants to break up with me "so I don't cheat on you." I think that says something, but it's still ridiculous... whatever... He won't admit that what we had was special at all... I'm just SOOOOO frustrated... I don't understand what happened, and I sure as hell don't appreciate being anyone's entertainment for the night since I figured out through Facebook that Matt had friends over, including Brian who I thought was my friend and wouldn't allow this crap to happen. I feel like it was all a game, and I don't believe Matt, but it's ridiculous and completely immature to treat someone like that... Even if it is all true, I feel like he's letting others influence him in the decision instead of thinking with his heart -- I've seen his true feelings, but obviously he won't admit those feelings to anyone else but me. I know what we had was special... Why else would I have met his family and been a part of his son's life when he doesn't have girlfriends around his son ever. I'm just really hurt and upset... I really liked him a lot and could see a possibility of a future with him... And now, I have to look at this dog and be reminded of Matt forever... I just can't handle this all right now... I'm just really sick and feeling like absolute crap... And, not to mention now I'm dealing with a divorce, dealing with missing my husband and really wanting things to work out, dealing with his rejection, and now dealing with breaking up with Matt and never getting to see his son again... It's just too much for me to take right now... I know I'll get through this, but how much more hurt do I have to go through before things get better?? I guess I should have listened and not have dated Matt, I shouldn't have even thought about seeing anyone until my divorce was final, but I couldn't let a possible good thing go without trying... I don't even know what else to say right now... I just need prayer... Please think of me in your prayers... Thank you

Wow, I can't believe I'm only three pounds away from having lost 100 lbs!!! It's been tough the last couple of weeks, especially since the weight loss is slowing down, but I'm making it!! I think once I make it to 100, I'll have a renewed excitement to finish strong to my goal!! I know my eating the last couple of weeks hasn't been the greatest only because I've been keeping myself very busy and not focusing as much on eating as I should be. But, things are getting back to normal again. Plus, I was on first shift for eight days from thirds which I KNOW screwed up my eating schedule. Now that I'm back on thirds, I actually feel much better. It's weird, I know!! Life in general is going pretty good, too... Brad and I are not getting along the best, but we're dealing. We just tend to butt heads a lot on issues, as usual, but this will be over soon enough. I just hope that we'll still talk at least a little after this... Not sure at this point, but we'll see...

Well, life is getting better, and every day that passes is helping things with this seperation/divorce get easier... My husband and I have actually been getting along better now than we did in the last year or so. We are acting more like best friends... It's weird, but I think we are both relieved in a way that things are over. I know we both still love each other, but we just didn't work as a married couple. I had a hard night on Sunday, though, as it was my first night all alone. I cried and couldn't fall asleep right away. With the help of some encouraging words from friends, prayer, and a couple hilarious episodes of The Office, I was able to finally fall asleep. The second night was a little easier than the first. It's just weird being alone... But, things will continue to get better. The issue I'm finding myself with now is wanting to eat a little more than normal. I've been doing pretty good, but I find myself looking in the fridge for a snack here and there when I haven't done that pretty much since surgery. I think it's because I have more time on my hands, and I used to use food to cope with life pre-surgery. I'll get used to this change, but I could use lots of prayer :) I'm doing really well, though, and I'm happy I make this decision. :)  

It's Monday morning, and I have a lot to write about... Sunday was a rough day for me. I have been quiet about all of this, but I think I'm ready to get it off my chest... Basically, over the last year, my husband and I have had a lot of issues. It's been more than a year, but I've been trying to urge a little change in him this year. I've had the best year of my life so far, hands down. I'm healthy, I'm happy, I finally got a job in my career field of Criminal Justice... Unfortunately, my husband has not been very supportive through the process of my gastric bypass. He has acted rude and jealous, and he just hasn't been much interested in my results or anything -- not at all excited like he should be. He wasn't supportive of me much at all... After months of prayer, consideration, and struggles over the last year, I decided to file for divorce officially last week. Yesterday was when I actually told him... Tough day... He didn't even show any emotion -- nothing... He didn't cry, he didn't beg me to stay, he didn't even seem to care. That was crushing, especially since I've taken care of him for the last eight years that we've been together. He hasn't taken care of me physically, emotionally, or financially our entire relationship... I have had a lot of change this year, and I think this will be the most difficult one of them all. With God, I will make it through this... Only with His love will I get through. I appreciate your prayers as I close one door and open another in my life... Divorce is not going to be easy, but I'm prepared to take this road... Thanks for listening...

Wow... today marks my halfway point of getting to my goal weight, and I'm only 3 months out!!!! It's amazing... I can't say anything else but amazing... No words can describe how I've been feeling lately... I am SOOOO thankful to God that He opened the doors for me to have this opportunity... Wow...

Well, Monday brought back some normalcy in my life... lol Thank God for Monday mornings... Although mostly hated, Mondays are a fresh clean slate... I found out that nothing was even said about me at the little get-together -- the guy said something about my best friend, and her husband got into it with him I guess. But, nothing about me... So, what have I learned? Alcohol makes people crazy! lol And forgetful/confused about events that actually took place... I'm thankful everything is back to normal. Unfortunately, the other friend who treated me like crap on account of a girl being there, I don't think things will go back to normal at this point. We'll see... Time will tell. I just don't understand people. I treat everyone the same, regardless of who they are or how awkward things might be. Oh well... Other than all of that craziness from the weekend, life has been good... My life has been full of changes this year -- essentially, I've been given a "monday year" because every experience this year has been a second chance... a clean slate. It's been an amazing experience... Thank the Lord for all of the positive things He's doing in my life!!!

I don't know what I did, but as my shift goes on, I'm hearing from friends that another so called "friend" was talking crap about me at this same get-together... I don't understand what I EVER did to deserve being treated like this... I am one of the nicest people you meet, but I guess I'm just too vulnerable. I am so open to people, and I get hurt so easily by those people. I guess no matter how surgery has changed me, that will never change. I have become more open in telling people how things are, but I'm obviously still too open and nice and caring towards people who don't deserve it. It just hurts that I can't help everyone, and that people can't take care of someone who actually cares about them. Once you've hurt me, there's no going back. I will never see them the same again... I will forgive, as I always do, but I won't get close to them again. I just hate it... I'm sure one of the things said is that I'm "ugly" too... that's always something people say about me. She's nice, but she's not cute at all... Really??!!?? I don't need to please them with my looks, but they should keep their thoughts to themselves... I just hate this. I hate feeling like this. I don't deserve to be treated like this when I'm so sweet to people, and open, and receptive to them no matter who they are or what they've done in life. God gave me this tender heart to help people for a reason... I just wish (*in a perfect world*) that I could help everyone, and that everyone would be loving and sweet back to me instead of trying to be "cool" with their friends or trying to make people laugh by saying mean things about someone else... It's not cool... I'm not perfect either, but I don't say hurtful things about people to others like always seems to happen to me... grrr... Once again, thanks for listening... I needed to vent, and this is the only way I can vent when I'm at work it seems... No one else wants to talk to or listen to me at this hour! lol Maybe it's seriously time for me to move to Florida or somewhere out of state like I've always wanted... Maybe that's what God is preparing me for... who knows...

Well, it's interesting how you feel day to day sometimes... I'm at work right now, and I'm not extremely busy at the moment, so I thought I'd write. I had a bad night, not really related to having gastric bypass or anything... but, it was a bad night. I felt very emotional and found myself not wanting to eat where I used to eat when I was emotional. It's odd how the surgery changes your habits... I just felt hurt the way I was treated at a friend's get-together. I don't understand why he had to make things awkward when they shouldn't have been. I guess friends can change after surgery too... I've seen that already. Life isn't perfectly peachy every single day after surgery, but every day is a learning experience. I take the good with the bad, and I have reminded myself that everything happens for a reason. I couldn't have asked for anything better with this experience, and I hope that anyone who is having a tough time right now realizes that there are better days ahead!  That's about all I have to say... nothing much, just a little rant... lol