Bittersweet Week Ended, New Beginning

Nov 02, 2010

Well, to start out this post, I am going to say a good thing... #1, I am taking care of myself!! I am now only 20 lbs away from meeting my goal of being under 200 lbs by the end of 2010!! I feel like this is a VERY realistic goal now, and there is hope in sight!!  I am excited to think that for the first time since early high school, I could be under 200 lbs!!! It's unbelivable, really...

Things are better... I'm still a little down, but things are definitely looking up. I'm trying to stay positive. The dog situation is much better... Lucy is going potty outside all the time now, and she is really helping to keep me company  I am really proud of her and proud of myself that she could be re-trained to go potty like she should. This is my first dog, so I had no real experience with any of this. I am really excited that it worked and my patience has paid off!! I'm also very happy that I didn't take her back to the dog warden like I said I was going to. I was just very frustrated, and I didn't know what to do. She is now my companion, and I love her very much!!

As for other things, Matt and I have talked about a lot of things... after Saturday night's events, Sunday was a horrible day. I'm thankful to have my best friend Katie who hung out with me the entire day... that was a huge help and relief -- I needed someone to just take care of me that day!! Matt pretty much ignored me all day, which I understand. He did text me and said he wasn't ready to talk yet. We ended up talking Sunday a little, and Monday a lot. Sunday morning, he texted me and said he was really sorry about how everything happened the night before whether I believed him or not, and he told me to have a great day. I was shocked that he apologized, first of all. And, from what he and others told me, usually when he breaks up with people, he completely ignores them after the fact. He hasn't ignored me -- in fact, we've talked just about the same as we did before.

So, Monday, we talked on the phone and through text message, and I also went over to his apartment to talk about everything. It was nice to see him, to talk to him, and to see his son Braden whom he was watching that night (I'm so attached... lol). We went through the text messages that were sent Saturday, he explained to me more what they meant and who sent which ones (he told me only a couple were typed by other people and he didn't want me to be mad at them), and he explained himself a little better about everything. After going back over the text messages, I realized they weren't that bad, and like I told him, at a certain point, I started messing with him right back because it was sort of entertaining. The ones that bothered me, we went over in great detail... Plus, he admitted that he was pretty tipsy, and he wasn't thinking about anything he was doing or saying or how they might affect me or him at the time. He told me that Brian sent the text about my hairy arms, which really annoyed me. Matt said he wouldn't have sent that because he knew that was something I was insecure about. Then, the one that said "things were never really good," he explained that the word good is generic. He told me things weren't ever good, they were actually great and amazing. He enjoyed every minute of our relationship, just as I did. He said he's just afraid to commit for many different reasons. I understand where he's coming from, but I also told him he needs to let himself go with the flow a little more rather than thinking so deeply about everything and he should stop listening to what others say all the time. From what he told me, everyone that he's close to that really do not know me that well told him that I am rebounding. Of course, after hearing it over and over, he began to believe it, no matter what I said. I'm not rebounding, and my best friends who know me the best KNOW that I'm not. Divorce takes lots of time and money, which requires preparation... I've been talking about filing for divorce for six months -- it wasn't something I decided to do one day and did it that same day!! Geez... My best friends know that I've been the happiest recently that I have been in a LONG time while I was with Matt, and I was over Brad a long time ago. I'm having a hard time separating from Brad right now emotionally because we were together for eight years, but I knew a long time ago that we weren't going to be able to work our issues out. I'm still not rebounding... but anyway, the other text about him breaking up with me so he doesn't cheat he said was just a ridiculous excuse. He promised me that he's not talking to anyone else, and that he still really likes me. He's just scared to commit to one person at this time... and I told him that's fine with me, too. I'm not even divorced yet, and I don't need to get myself into a serious relationship right off the bat. So, we've taken a step back. We're planning on talking still, which we have every day since the breakup, and we'll still hang out too. He's supposed to come over tonight after he gets off of work. I'm making dinner. And, as for Lucy my dog that he helps take care of, he took her for me tonight. So, I know he'll still be helpful with her too... I'm happy things are better!! 

Now, I will say this... since I'm not technically in a committed relationship, I'm willing to meet other people... lol So, if you know anyone who is single that I might get along with, don't hesitate to introduce me  lol!! I really like Matt a lot, and I really hope one day we can further our relationship, but I'm also not holding my breath... I'm just going to enjoy how things are for now and as I said earlier "go with the flow." Thanks for listening, as always!!   

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