tmrosenthall

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Hello OH friends and family, I have a confusion to make. (as i type this i wonder if all cheaters feel the same) I had a moment of weakness yesterday inspired by KFC no doubt. I lapsed because I could not resist the chicken brest filet and a fried chocolate pie . I am sure if I have in stage one Post Op that I would be rolling around in pain and misery from my actions, so I decided to kick myself in the butt. Now that I have done that I am dusting myself off and back to the plan I go. I have not be dependent on tools or other people all the time. It's time to take some responsibility for my own actions. I know what I eat yesterday was terrible for me. I could feel it as I ate so I did even enjoy it like I would have in the past. So instead of dumping that crap sit in my stomach all night. I woke up with the sweats and a terrible belly ache.  I guess you feel invinciable after you calculate your total loss, but that might be the same kind of thinking that got me where I am today. At one point I might have believed that a small victory desired a celebration. I felt terrible this morning so I know that can't be the truth. I have lost 17.5 pounds since April first. However, I am glad to say that I am not perfect. I have fallen but I got back up. I am not going to let a slip make the difference in my future as I have in the past. I'm going back in coach for round two. Fat vs. Tea... Ding Ding

Ok, ok, nobody say a word. No go ahead and shout and scream at me for not believing the dietian. She said that I would sheds some pounds and she was right. I am going to kick your but steriod side effects and get back down to where I was and fly down past that. I have joined the losers bench. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

I was deading stepping up on this scale but now I am happy that I did. I want to scream and shout this is the most that I have lost in a long time. Week one liver reduction diet yields a promising out come even when i was not on it Monday or Tuesday of this week.

In other news.... I am still waiting for my approval from medicaid and a response from my doctors appeal letter to my insurance company. This part is clearly kicking my butt I hate waiting but I am learning to be patient. I hope that I drop a good number next week because I am starting to be in cranky moods. My fiance, bless his heart, just takes it one day at a time. I am having terrible mood swings I am affectionate one moment then the next I am a mean grizzly bear. I want to stop worry about this so much and just enjoy live. Keep you fingers crossed OH family because if I get down to 500 I am going back to Morocco to visit my in-laws. I can't wait. I miss them so much and this time I want to enjoy the city of Cassablanca instead of being stuck in my room sick the whole time. TTYL!!!!!!!!!!

Doctor Ditslear, at Clarian is a very sweet man. He went through the procedures that I would be a candidate for and explained the differences between them. I did not feel as if he was in a rush and he gave me plenty of opportunities to ask all the questions that I wanted. Since it has been 2 years since I found my way to this stage I did not have any new questions. And the fact that I have been through three information seminars helped with that. When Dr. D left he sent in the Nutritionist and I must say I was not impressed with her, she was there to tell me the straight up facts. She took me off of the Weight Watcher's Diet and put me on a liver reducing diet. Even thought I was doing good on the WW plan, it was not going reduce my liver. Doing this diet will make the surgery a lot easier for the doctors to do and it is a positive if I can loose weight before the procedure because it shows my dedication. I have lost 2 pounds and believe it or not I am happy about that little accomplishment. I know that there are several of you here that can appreciate that. YEAH ME!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm got a letter in the mail today from Medicaid because the need my doctor's records. I faxed it to the lady in medical records and she faxed it right back over to them. I am so excited. I can hardly contain myself an answer is near. Please pray that it is one that we help me out of the false vessel that has become my prison. Until next time, take care.

It has been one hell of a week. I can't seem to win for loosing and not the way i want to lose. Friends first and approval for surgery next. I just don't know what to do. I am always getting a false positive from something or someone. Each time I get a little closer to the prize and stumble backwards a few steps. As I mentioned in my previous post I had to go to another facility. When they ran all of my insurance papers through it came back with a denial. OMG! I could not believe the words that I was hearing from my insurance coordinator. My heart was broken to say the least. So I called the insurance company myself and sure enough they would not cover because it was a exclusion in my policy. I wondered how such a thing could have happened so i called the first facility I was going to have my surgery done at. The mailed me the pages they had stating that I was approved and you know what. They had the wrong insurance policy number. Sick, sad, lost and a little confused I need to talk to a friendly person. My new friends were no where to be found and in fact I later found that I have been dumped by one. Go figure, its cool. I have taken rejections from doctors, programs, and ex's all my life. One more was not going to hurt me. I try to keep things as real as I can and I face the fact that our friendship was not meant to be.

I am keeping my appointment with Dr. D on April 13. At the worse I will have to pay the bill would could total less then 300 dollars. Which is not a too bad. All is not lost though because I have applied for Medicaid Disability and I am waiting for the decision to come back. My sister is a Medicaid Disability specialist and has rushed all my paperwork through, so Yeah ME!  I am doing Weight Watcher thought.... its better than doing nothing so do laugh, lol. It not too bad just trying keep up with the points. I will get to the losers bench one day.....I'll keep you posted!

My third seminar. The one thing that I notice right away is that there are some very cute doctors that do this surgery. Having said that I will move right along. After driving around aimlessly for about thiryt minutes I finally found the place where the seminar was being held at on the north side of Indianapolis at 71st street. Since I am a eastsider for life this was a very diffcult part of Indianapolis for me to figure out. Now having been there I will be able to find my way back easily.

After getting there I discovered that I had to pee so bad that if I moved too much I was going to have the biggest accident (thanks to my water pills.) Thank goodness I only too the my morning water pills or I would have been done. The lovely Clarian nurses rush out to the car with a wheel chair and get me to the restroom lickity split. I am now forever in their debt. After my back teeth stopped floating I was wheeled back to the waiting room where my friend was waiting for me. She is also a BBW and I wanted her to hear what her options where.

Just before everyone arrived I told the nurses about why this was my third seminar. I meantioned my blood pressure and they when into a frenzy. I was scheduled first before everyone because my BP was so high. First I had an appointment with Dr. Mattar, then they came back with an earlier one with Dr. Distlear. I asked the nurse to please tell me if I was going to be turned away again and she said no, not this time we are going to do everything we can to make sure you get the surgery you need. I feel tear welling in my eyes and had to change the subject quickly. After hearing no,no, no hearing yes makes you choke up inside. Because my friend and I were so early we got to sit around joking and explaining to everyone that the had to pull the little wax balls off of the brand new ink pens before they could write with them. We where having a ball.

Now the room was filling up fast and it was time to get down to business. I listened even though I had heard most of it before. I found that each seminar adds a little something the others did not. In the first seminar I was told that the liver of an obese person is usually larger then a person who is not obese. In the second seminar I learned that obese people are already calcium deficient, or at least in Indiana the tend to be. I and last night I picked up that we may also be thamine deficient. The one that that stay consistant was the dumping syndrome. It makes you feel like you are going to die and you will never to try that food or candy ever again.

The door seems to be opening. I am looking down the road with a clear view. My consulte with Dr. D is on April 13, so things are moving pretty quickly. Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. I hope to join you soon on the losers bench.

Right now I don't have any feelings one way or the other. I have not gotten any signs from God that this is yet another closed door in my face. Ater I wrote my last post I was put on new medication for my high blood pressure. After crying like a little baby I felt much better. My blood pressure actually when down to 133 over 79 or so. So I am feeling pretty good. I have been able to sleep a lot more laying down instead of sitting up on the side of my bed. The God awful bronchitis that would not let me be is starting to retreat. I have not been using the inhaler every four hours, but I am reminded by friends that I should continue to do so until the doctor tells me not to My arthiritis is acting up in all sectors. You know knees, arms, elbows and fingers, but i try to keep moving without thinking about it too much. I am going to leave my job tomorrow, which is south of where I live go into central Indianapolis to pick up a friend and head out west of where I live all the way on the other side of town to this seminar, so that I can hear for the third time about the procedure that keeps avading me.Wish me luck and strength to listen with open ears. I will post my findings tomorrow or the next day. I didn't work the last past three days but I am plum tuckered out. Until we me again OH family. Good night....

First of all i would like to state that I feel a since of doom on right before my appoint me and sure enough I was right.  From low active and decreased meals I have actually gained weight, a lot of weight. I was mortified when they told me i was 620, well imagine the shock I got yesterday when they told me I was 90 additional pounds over that. There were several emotions that ripped through me at that point and as if that was not enough. I also learned that my blood pressure medicine was not working. I registered 230 over 121 -- when it should be 133 over like 70. I feel like dying. I was given the number to two doctors that could do the surgery at a higher BMI outside of my favorite hospital network because the hospital of choice, for me, is not equiped to handle my surgery. They told me if they started me in their program it could take a lot longer to get the surgery done. They were extremely nice and professional about it which made me feel a little better.

Down the stairs, out the door, and in the car. I sit there part of the way in the car, part of the way out the car and got really upset. My daughter didn't know what to do. I finally got into the car and didn't say much until we got to the stop sign. I asked her to give me my phone and I called my mom. Where I fell all apart. I was anger at my long time doctor because he watched me back my life into a death sentence and gave me no advice when I started to gain weight. I was 350 points when I met him over 10 years ago. I was mad at myself for not change doctors sooner or seeking help sooner. I cried like a baby. I couldn't see but I didn't care. My mom got off the phone and immediately I called a friend from work. She couldn't understand anything I was saying until she heard how high my blood pressure was. She told me if I didn't could down it would go higher and higher and would cause me to have a stroke or heart attack. It took me a while but I calmed down. My daughter was crying now and I was so sorry that she had to see it.

We got to my doctors office and she changed my BP medicine, wrote a referral for the next hospital, and for a wheel chair (to use to increase my exercise. a walk sit walk sit kinda thing) and told me not to give up. There are several ways of going about this and she was not about to give up. She said if things go down to it she could put me on a medically prescribed liquid diet to get me down to the weigth limit my choose hospital would do the weight at.

I took my new medicince as soon as I got in the car, but I made my mind up that I would spend my saving on Medifast as soon as my chuncky little fingers could log onto there webside. I got home and eat something because again I had not had breakfast. I checked my blood pressure and thank the heavens it was down to 133 over 79. I ordered Medifast and promised myself that I was going to do this for my life, my kids, and my health. I will not give up because I have come too far to back down now!

I have now realized how much time I actually have. It's always between class session I start to feel this way. Now that my moment of truth is finally here I find myself thinking boy this is really scary. I don't know why I feel this way but I have noticed that I am not the only one. This morning I have spent two hours trying to add friends to my list and I am not done. The one thing I know for sure is that I am not alone and I am not the first person to ever have this procedure done. Both of these things have made me a little less uneasy but still when I look at the pictures that are posted I am afraid. The one thing my children have said is mom I don't what you to loose these puffy cheeks they make your smile so pretty. However, the truth of the matter is they too will leave once I have accomplished my target weight. Will I still be me or a sliver of the person that I was. Will my hopes, dreams, and aspirations be the same or will they change? I know who I am. I am a mother of two, the wife of a Moroccan citizen, a daughter, sister, a grand-daughter, a writer, a college student, and customer service rep, and a best friend, but will my eyes see me the same. Don't tell me, I have a feeling that my psych visit will be interesting. There is on thing that I know for sure I am tired of being tired and sick of being sick. I want to live to be the best that I can be in everything that I do. I have always been an emotional person and I think that's a good thing because I write poems and short stories. Being open to the things that others are feeling makes me good at what I do. I just hope the psych visit doesn't deem me wacky. Not that wacky is a bad thing.  Moving forward to Wednesday first consultation visit....Yahoo

I am back and on the scene here at OH and I am proud to report that I am on the fast track to a date. My insurance company has finally approved my benefits for the surgery. However, I have to have 6 months of supervised diet and I have to drop about 120 pounds to be under the approved weight. OMG.... 120, but I am bound and determined to make that goal. I have all of a suddens stared having more medical problems then I can handle. I have had bronchitis for over three months now and now I have to use an inhaler every four hours. Life is kinda sucky right now, but I have a husband and kids that love me to death (which by the way I would like to pospone to a later date) and a very supportive family. This has been one heck of a ride but I am here and I ready to feel better so that I can go camping with my kids and do things that I haven't been able to do for a long time. I want to enjo life and help others to do so as well. Its my time now and I am ready to shine, shine, shine!


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Since I am not getting any answers from the insurance company I have decided not to just sit back and die. I have started my own little exercise routine. SInce I can't do too much I figued so some thing. I bought the pedal exerciser because I read that it was just as easy as a exercise bike and would not be too hard. I am not using as a bike because my coordination is a little off. My routine in thirty minutes a day on my arms. I work up a good sweat as I listen to Micheal Jackson, Mary J. Blige, SWV,and User. The first three days I thought that I was going to die. The fact that I have a herniated disk did not help matter, however I felt different. I decide on thre forth day to take a back but the next I was back in the swing of thing, even if I was tired and felt like a punching back. I am on my next set of three days in a row and I still but i notice an area on my arms that was lighter then the rest. this area had been hiding in the crook of my arm for years. Small accomplishment yes, but I did it on my own. I am inspired by all my loved ones to keep going and look for the little changes. I have been drink Acai Berry juice 15 minutes before my routine the last two days and I get a better sweat and feel stronger. I am taking it baby steps and I cant wait to see the results. I am thinking of going back on the zone diet (no food, YIKES) WIsh me luck.