kristine V.

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i find it so amusing that i went from posting every day to not posting at all! i'm alive and well, finally feeling better than i have in a while. for a couple of weeks there, everything seemed to make me nauseous or dizzy or i was always ending up too full if i attempted to eyeball what i was eating but with time, i've been getting better! from the first of this year, i'm down 39 lbs and started the gym this week. i was only able to get in three days because i started on tuesday and don't want to go today because i have my period and i almost passed out last night when i went! better safe than sorry but i'll be right back there on monday, after work. my family and friends still make fun of me for the small amounts of food i eat and are always a ilttle shocked when i get full so quickly.

i've gotten better keeping up with my medication/vitamins/protein and i'm proud of myself for not doing any binge eating today. actually, it's the contrary...i don't feel like eating at all but i'm doing my best to remember to do it every three hours. the reason is because tomorrow makes 9 years that my mother died so yeah, i'm a little depressed. it's a tough day for me no matter what and my mood is bouncing up and down. i'm okay and chipper at one moment and then depressed the next but i think i'd prefer to not want to eat over eating way too much. i really haven't had much today...a bit of protein for breakfast, some grilled chicken with lettuce for lunch and then my protein shake which was delayed an hour because i forgot i needed to have it. usually i start feeling like i need to eat something else within a couple of hours but i feel nothing at all right now. in fact, i can't imagine eating anything for a while but i'll probably end up eating some greek yogurt in an hour if my aunt didn't buy dinner.

i really don't have very much to write about! i hope everyone is doing well and i'm sorry i've been a crappy oh friend! i'm hoping to get better with this.

so i'm six days (or technically seven considering the time) post-op and i feel okay. i'd like to thank all of you that sent me messages and commented my blog post. there were a lot so i haven't gotten the opportunity to reply to them all. i haven't been on oh at all in the last week because, truth be told, i haven't really cared to be anywhere near my computer. i only spent one night at the hospital. the doctor gave me the option of taking another or going home and i chose going home because at least at home, i would be able to sleep peacefully and have jello that didn't taste like crap. they sent me percoset but let's just say that it did absolutely nothing for my pain but luckily, my doctor cleared me to use gas-x so i've used quite a few of those (no more than the recommended dosage, of course) this week and i finally feel like i'm over this whole gas hurdle. the only pain left now is the soreness in my abdomen. it hurts when i yawn, hiccup, sneeze and stretch but thankfully, it's nothing like what it was on tuesday or wednesday. hell, at the hospital it was so bad a few hours post-op that i started crying when my family came to visit me.

my family has been incredibly supportive. it's pretty cute. my dad and grandmother stayed during the surgery and then two of my aunts (the third lives in cape coral), three of my cousins and my uncle came to visit me. they brought me a fake flower and a balloon with a card. oh and one of my aunt's friends came to visit me as well which was sweet. i think i had the most packed hospital room on the floor, quite honestly. as it turns out, my family doesn't like the idea of me staying home alone for long stretches of time so i've had the aunt i live with calling me randomly during the day to check on me (my first night home from the hospital, she woke up at 4am to make sure i was okay and i was up and walking around my bedroom trying to get rid of gas), my grandmother showing up to check on me and spend a few hours with me and my other aunt randomly showing up at my house on her day off. it's really sweet but it gets annoying, not gonna lie.

before, i was sleeping a bit too much, napping during the day, etc etc but now it's like...i can't really sleep? from monday through about thursday i was taking naps in the middle of the day and going to bed early/waking up late. however, i can't nap anymore. i don't know why, but i can't. it's weird. and i miss food, i'm not going to lie. i start the pureed stage in a few hours and i'm pretty freaking excited to add some new, different things to the foods i'm allowed to eat for the sake of not killing myself from food boredom. apparently my doctor's pretty fast on the uptake when it comes to moving on to new types of food since i've heard of people being on clear liquids for 2 weeks whereas i only spent three days on them and then three more on full liquids. i'll be on pureed foods for a week and soft foods for two weeks before moving on to solid food.

i'm a little scared. i haven't dumped or thrown up or anything like that but i've had a couple of bad reactions, like when i tried to down too much of a protein shake i made with milk. not a good idea. i find when i make it with water, it goes down easier, i guess because it ended up being more like protein fruit juice than anything else. 

it's late, though, and i should really try getting some sleep. thank you again to those of you who reached out to me in comments and messages and i'm sorry that i haven't responded but for those of you that are post-op, i'm sure you can understand why.

i am so excited. somehow, i've managed to survive this liquid diet. i haven't cheated once and i'm in shock. granted, i had to throw pizza in the garbage disposal last night to keep myself from eating what was left of it but that's because i was essentially taunted with it by five children spending the night at my house all night on friday.  not that they meant to do it, but just eating it while i sat there was torture enough. thankfully, all but three slices from three boxes of pizza were left when i got home from work last night. those were soaked in water and soap and went into the garbage disposal. i've been really good about dealing with food over the last two weeks but it's so much worse when it's in my face continuously like it was on friday. 

i'm not scared of the procedure itself. no, that doesn't scare me. i have complete faith in my surgeon and my body so i think i'll be okay. plus, i apparently have a lot of people praying for me even though i'm not the religious type and for some reason, that's a comfort to me. what i'm scared of is getting to the hospital and being told by my surgeon that he's not going to do it for one reason or another. that is terrifying. why would that happen? i don't know but i'm scared that it will. i want this so badly and i think my body is already starting to like...fail on me. last night and today, my feet have been hurting SO much after standing up for long periods of time and it's happened before but not when i'm just doing things around the house. it's crazy and i hate it. i want it to stop. it's like my body knows there's going to be relief and it's done. i don't blame it. i'm done too. i'm so sick of this life i'm living that i just want to be healthy and feel good about myself. 

wish me luck. let's hope january 17, 2011 is the day my life changes.

 it's really quite sad how paranoid i've become when referencing my surgery. i'm so used to things not working out the way i want them to that i'm expecting the worst. i freak out and freak out until i get good news and then i can relax but until then, i'm on edge in the worst way. today i weighed myself at work again. it said 330lbs. if that's accurate, it means i'm short four pounds what i need to have lost by tomorrow. people keep telling me that surely my surgeon will just let it slide and i'll be fine but i honestly don't think he will. i have it in writing saying that if i don't lose the weight by tomorrow, my surgery will be rescheduled. i can't imagine going into that office tomorrow, being weighed and then being told it's not going to happen. i don't know what i'll do.

i just snapped at my aunt because yeah, i'm in a bad mood and i have a gnarly headache on top of that and she wanted to blame my bad mood on annoyance over what she was telling me when that wasn't it. she didn't even bother to ask what was wrong with me, she just assumed i was being a brat over what she was telling me. god, that made me so angry. i started crying right there before storming off. i've started crying just thinking about it. i've waited three years for this to happen. three years. i can't bear to have this rescheduled, to go through another week of not eating and that's if the surgeon even has any surgeries available for the following week. 

i don't pray. it's been a really long time since i've prayed but if you do, i would really appreciate a prayer or two right now.

it's kind of sad how i've been indulging what i'm learning is called "food porn." it's been ten days since i've had anything solid to eat other than sugar free jello and while i'm not too hungry, i want food so badly. i've been trying to avoid all mentions of food but it's difficult and as if that weren't enough, i've been browsing through wls recipe blogs and almost salivating at the pictures. i'm a big fast food lover, i'm not going to lie, and i hate a lot of veggies, particularly onions, but i'm starting to feel like after starving myself, i would be happy to eat something with onions slathered allll over it. since people say your tastes change after rny, i'm hoping mine do. i don't have a big issue with healthy food. for a long time, i've gotten used to eating whole wheat everything--bread, pasta, rice, etc. however, i'm such a brat when it comes to veggies. there aren't very many i can stand. here's to hoping i find some kind of love for cooking with onions and peppers.

today i weighed myself again. i really need to stop because i don't even believe what the scale tells me anymore. yesterday it said 332lbs and today it told me 322lbs. i am done psyching myself out. i went to the gym this morning and i plan to go to the gym again tomorrow morning. on friday, when i go see my surgeon, i'll just make sure i don't eat or drink anything before my weigh in to ensure i'm light as a feather. here's to hoping that i lose my 17lbs by friday and if not, that my doctor will accept what i have lost, which i really doubt but i can dream, right?

i know i'm being completely and totally obsessive and that can't be helping things but i can't help it. it's been three years since i started seriously considering wls and i want it SO badly. i really don't know what i'll do if i don't lose the weight.

 i was feeling okay about the whole having to lose 17lbs thing by friday until today. i haven't budged a pound since friday and i'm freaking out. i'm absolutely terrified that it won't be gone by friday. i was happy today because my insurance finally approved the surgery but that will do nothing for me if i get to my surgeon's office on friday and they tell me they're going to reschedule me because i didn't lose my 17lbs. these shakes are not cheap. i paid $225 for two weeks worth of these shakes. i can't afford to do that again, not even for a week especially considering i'm going to be out of work for a month post-op without enough hours to be paid the whole time. sure, i qualify for short-term disability but my whole salary barely covers my bills let alone 60% of my salary. did i mention i have a $500 deductible the day of surgery? sure, it's cheaper than if i was a self-pay patient but it still makes a pretty huge hole in my pocket.

between the way my aunt is treating me and this whole thing, i just feel so sad and disappointed. i'm doing everything i'm supposed to be doing. for once in my life, i'm not cheating but it seems utterly hopeless. i think i might be okay if it weren't for the fact that my aunt isn't speaking to me and when she is, it's to bitch or insult me somehow because she's in the worst mood known to man and apparently it's all my fault. i feel like punching something

so today, i'm not really craving food. want to know what i am craving? a cigarette. i want more than anything to go to the little food spot by my house and buy myself a back of my djarum specials and smoke the whole box tonight. i won't do it, no. i want this surgery more than i want a cigarette but today has been one of those days. i've had this throbbing headache from hell since yesterday that just won't go away and my aunt decided today that she was going to be the queen bitch. she completely flipped out on me because her son had a mess in his room and somehow, this was my doing. so of course, she yelled at me, called me names, made me cry, blah blah blah and all i want is a cigarette to calm me down. that's all i want.

i just want this stupid liquid diet to be over already. i am tired of being hungry constantly and i am looking forward to the day i can have SOUP. i can't wait for it, actually. at least i have tomorrow off. i swear, i'm going to catch up on so much sleep and then i'm going to go take advantage of this free trial at this gym by my house if, you know, i'm able to actually walk considering my head hurts so much that i almost started crying when i stood up and walked across my apartment complex.

tomorrow, it will be exactly one week until my surgery. thankfully, the last week went by pretty quickly but i'm terrified the next one will drag on. the shakes and jello remain tolerable but now i'm just getting bored. i don't want to chew gum either because a friend of mine told me that chewing gum when you're hungry can give you ulcers because it tricks your stomach into thinking there's food and it increases acid. i don't know if it's in my head but since he told me that, i've been on the verge of heartburn. not quite full-fledged but i can feel the acid a little bit in my chest.

i'm proud of myself, though. sticking to it. i haven't cheated, not once, even today when i spent all day at home alone. i could have easily stuffed my face full of leftover chinese food but i prevailed! i didn't! i didn't feel well anyway. had a gnarly headache and nausea so i picked up a bit, did laundry and then laid down for a bit. i also made myself a post-op shopping list based on the nutrition packet my surgeon gave me and a bunch of recipes i've gotten off of wls blogs. maybe it's some kind of self-inflicted torture to read so much about food but i want to be prepared. if i don't feel well enough to go out after the surgery, i can't expect my family to do everything for me. i get paid on thursday so on sunday, i intend to go grocery shopping so i can be ready.

you know what i remembered today? my best friend ernesto used to work at gnc meaning he knows all this useless crap about protein and vitamins and blah blah blah so since we're both off on tuesday, i'm dragging him with me to gnc/vitamin shoppe to see if i can get some free samples of protein. that's really the thing that's freaking me out the most #1 because of the price and #2 because of the taste. i want this to work, though, so i just need to suck it up and do it. i have no idea where i got off thinking this would be easy but i'm glad i returned to this website. it's really opened my eyes to a lot of things that hadn't really hit me and i know it's going to be the reason i succeed in this surgery. hell, it's the way i've been keeping myself busy for the past week on this shake diet.

so for those of you that read this or glimpse at my profile, thank you so much for just...existing. your stories and experiences inspire and teach me and i couldn't be more thankful for that.

eight more days until my surgery. can't wait

so let's just say that i've come to the conclusion that i'm just not going to weigh myself anymore. yesterday, when i weighed myself, the scale said 332. today i try it again and i was at 322?? then i go back a couple of hours later to check if i'm crazy and it said 323 so essentially holding steady. then i drag my friend yerica with me because she weighed herself yesterday and the scale said the same thing today for her that it did yesterday yet when i weighed myself, i was up to 333. what the hell? yeah, i'm giving up on this whole weighing myself thing so i'm just going to follow my diet, start working out tomorrow and just hope i'm down my 17lbs on friday when i go to the doctor.

i'm honestly really lucky to have my family. my cousin rebecca came over and kept me busy tonight with jakob so i woudn't cheat. i mean, i'm just not as hungry anymore but the temptation is still there. plus, ernesto came over and got all cuddle buddy with me while we watched grindhouse (both death proof AND planet terror) on spike so i was sufficiently distracted even if i was forced to take jakob (he's 8) to mcdonalds for dinner as i was babysitter tonight. i also resisted the urge to steal one of ernesto's cigarettes.

at work, my friend josh asked me if i was cheating because i wasn't complaining today. i started cracking up, that was pretty funny. i know i'm a whiner but goddamn, i must be a pain in the ass for him to say that but it was in good fun.

i discovered that, on the second floor of my building at work, there is a scale. so i went down to it today twice. the first time with my friend yerica and i was in a rush so it was looking like i weighed 337lbs. i didn't give it time to really settle, though, so a few hours later i go down with my friend veronica and do it again with patience. wanna know what it said? 332lbs!! five days in and i'm down 11lbs. i'm so excited. to make sure i get to my 17lbs, i'll be using a 7 day free pass i have to 24 hour fitness starting on sunday night. i'll go every night right after work since it's not too far from my job and try to work out for at least an hour. i need to do everything i can to make sure i make it to those 17 lbs because if i don't, i'll hate myself.

i'll end things here, though. i work in the morning and i'm absolutely exhausted.