What's on your menu today (PHOTO FRIDAY) RNYers?

I'm sorry about Saralisa. And I think you should stop calling that man her father. He isn't. Call him the sperm donor maybe.

No better words Grim.

Very good point, John!

My children have a rotten biological father. I have always been very cautious in using any negative words to describe him when they are around though. Psychology has found that children see themselves intrinsically as one half their mother and one half their father. Negative attributes assigned to either parent the child internalizes as describing themselves. It can be deeply damaging to self esteem in unconscious ways.

A few years ago my kids had a similar path crossing with their father. He did not acknowledge them, turned around, and walked out of the haircut place they were sitting in. The kids were very hurt and angry and ranted a bit when they got home and told me about it. My words to them were something like, "He did not handle that well at all. I know that had to hurt you. I am so sorry you are hurting. Please know he loves you very much. He is broken in his own ways and did not have good role models growing up so though so he doesn't know how to show love very well. He is a good person who is making mistakes. We all make mistakes. His mistakes happen to be pretty awful.

I can't change the wounds they feel from his rejection. I can't time travel back and not be with their father and goodness knows I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't do anything to change having my kids. In the end, though I feel terribly guilty for their pain all I can do is love them. I hope that the lessons they learn from this are "flaws are not enough to make you un-loveable" and "forgiveness is always a selfish act in the end."

Comfort to you both.

~Elizabeth

Bless you, Elizabeth, for your very wise and kind words! I will take them to heart and try to react like you did when that happened to your kids. You are very wise and I appreciate you taking the time to write this very thoughtful answer to me. Thank you kindly.

It is not the most fun club to be a member of but at least we know we are not alone. Hugs to you!

Elizabeth, you are so wise. I too would try to curb what I said about my ex in front of my daughter. I hope I was as successful as you.

Couldn't agree more.

I agree with Grim. My eldest daughter's birth father abandoned her when she was about 6. Her worse fear as a young adult was that she would walk past him on the street and he wouldn't acknowledge her. So sorry that Saralista had to have this happen. I'm glad you are so close and she is secure in your love.