dicastro1010
It's time to get serious! 10 days to go!
Sep 04, 2011
Well hello friends!I don't have that many- but I love the ones I have!! Hee hee! I am trying to write about my experiences so I can look back and read what I thought at the time. I know, three blogs in isn't very much. I am guessing it will be more after surgery ;)
I had a big heart to heart with myself last night after praying for a long time about my bad eating decisions, what I was getting myself into etc and I realized that I made this decision a long time ago for great reasons. Reasons that still exist. I think I was growing so fearful as I got closer to surgery for all the wrong reasons. It's not that I don't feel afraid, I do at times, but I know that God will see me through this and that I have to keep the end goal in mind.I realize I may wake in some pain, I might immediately think I regret it, but I really wont. I want this 150%. I kicked it into high gear, had a shake for b-fast this morning, went to a 60 min spin class at the gym, and I feel great. Now I just need to keep it up! Only 9 more days to turn myself into an ideal surgery candidate!!
I want to be a healthy aunt for my niece and nephew. I don't want to have to answer the question my nephew asked me last year by my niece when she is old enough of "aunty, why are you so big?, I mean, a lot bigger than mommy". That broke my heart especially because it was said in complete innocence. When he could tell it hurt my feelings he said that I was the prettiest aunty in the world and wrote me a note to say sorry and he loved me. I wasn't upset at him, I was upset at myself and the denial I had been living in. I realized how much I didn't want to be that Aunt, or Mom if that ever happens. I started thinking about it, and I knew I was embarassed by my size. I had gone to pick up my nephew at school a few times and although part of me was excited to see how excited he was, the other part was thinking about what age kids start noticing things to pick on other kids about. Would they see me and think I was his Mom? She is thin and gorgeous and he would never get picked on by kids for that. Would they make fun of him for having a big person pick him up? Would HE be embarassed by me? Did kids already talk about being fat? I felt totally second rate and was comparing myself to other parents. Soon after I stopped going to get him and just started showing up at the house when I had a day off and knew he was going to be there soon.
My ankles hurt so bad from spin today, but it's just soreness. Then again they hurt after I walk my dog at nights. Many nights my feet are so sore from the little walking I do at work that my poor hubs has to walk all three of them in turns while I sit- literally, on my fat butt. It's not that I don't want to help, I just have never felt so much discomfort in my feet, ankles and lower back. I just realize that I need to buckle down and force myself to do things. I should feel blessed that my body can even do so many things and excersizes that other my size or even smaller people aren't able to. I know that I am not going to wake up skinny, I am still going to be a big girl who needs to get workouts in to lose weight optimally, and I definitely am committed to doing that.
I feel so much better now making these discoveries (that have been there all along). No more feeling sorry for myself or the food I can't have. No more "last meals"- I am done with that mentality. Yeah, I should have been a while back, but at least I got here. I am ready!
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About Me
Escondido, CA
Location
23.2
BMI
Surgery
09/14/2011
Surgery Date
Aug 21, 2010
Member Since
