Almost normal now...

Apr 09, 2012

As of today I have lost a total of 109.6 pounds since I started this Journey. It's crazy to me that I have lost that much, but at the same time I feel like I am still "big" and need to lose more- which is true, but I should be happy with my results.

That isn't to say I am not happy- I am, but I really want to get to goal and have a paralyzing fear that I am just going to stop losing and be one of those people who must resign to being content being a less fat version of themselves, but nonetheless still "fat". You know what I am talking about right? I have to constantly remind myself of where I started and what I let myself get to so that I can be happy with where I am. I keep wanting to just go back to where I was years ago, but that isn't possible, or so it seems.

I see people on this site that look amazing and like they were never big before. But as I personally lose weight I see all the excess skin and realize that without plastic surgery, that won't be me. Maybe it will tighten up more as time passes, I am pretty sure it will from losing weight in the past and that hapenning, but it's never been this much. By the time I get to goal I will have lost over 140 pounds at minimum, and thats a lot of extra skin. Wah wah wahhh.

Anyway, on to what has worked. I have no "rules" that I live by. A typical day I eat an egg and piece of sharp cheddar cheese for breakfast. I hard boil a few for the week and take them to work. Sometimes I eat this for lunch too. Other times I will eat part of a sandwich, or order food out and eat a small portion. If I am out with friends I eat whatever I want, but anything "bready" takes up too much space and that pretty much means I have like 3 bites and am done. I am a lot better about listening to my body and when I am full I stop, which is soon. Before surgery that would have NEVER happenned. I would just keep pushing it. The discomfort after surgery is much worse though, so that could be part of it.

My biggest aid has been excersize. I excersize a minimum of 5 days a week, but many weeks I go all 7 days and sometimes twice in one day. I have always loved to work out, and as I have lost weight its become more pleasurable to go to the gym since everything is easier. I can now run a mile in 10 minutes or slightly less, and run up to 8 miles at a time! What what! I recently ran a local 5k, and am scheduled to do the rock and roll half marathon in early June and a Camp Pendleton10k  "Mud Run" later in June as well. I am familiar with that run, since  did it 5 years in a row before my weight gain the last few years. I also love to do weights, and typically spend about 1.5-3 hours in the gym, doing a 60 minute cardio then the rest of the time in the weight room. I also have done some crossfit classes and still do the spin classes and other gym classes as they fit into my schedule. If I don't excersize I find myself in a more "snacky" mood, so it seems to me like working out and taming the beast of my desire to eat go hand in hand. I realize this about myself so the solution is easy- excersize daily. If I am super sore I don't have a problem taking a rest day, but I have to be really aware of my eating behavior on those evenings.

In my personal life things are okay. I moved out of my husbands house a couple months ago and have moved in with my parents. We filed for divorce about a month ago. We had some major issues dating back to when we were dating. The writing was on the wall for a long time. He hated my religion, I hated that he wasn't religious. He was constantly negative and unwilling to work out with me, go to the gym, go out period really. Anytime we did something with my friends or fam he would hold it over my head that it was my fault he didn't get this or that done around the house. We even fought on our own wedding day and almost called it off right then and there. Overall I was miserable and it showed in my weight. I met him at a size 4 and ballooned to a 28 in the small 3 year period we were together. I know I am responsible for what I did to my body, but a big takeaway is that you need to be around people who have similar goals as you and who are uplifting and encouraging. There were MANY "final straws" in our relationship. I can't tell you how many times I started packing or he told me to leave, but I finally had the courage to do it. Losing weight I am sure helped, because I regained some of my own self-worth back; but I don't want anyone to think that I left BECAUSE of the weight loss- because that isn't at all the case. This has been a long time coming.

So now I am with my parents. I recently applied and was approved for a home mortgage loan. I put an offer in on a small 2bed/2bath single family home and it was approved. Now I just have to make sure it passes an inspection since it has to pass FHA rules. I don't know if it will because there were a couple areas of concern- but if it doesn't work out I am sure I will find something else. I am not in a rush, but I do want my own space and to just get my life together. I would also love to get my dog back from my husband. We had three but one is my girl.

Work is hectic. My assistant manager went on a long medical leave pretty much as soon as I got back from surgery back in October. Since then I have been working 6 days a week with short staff. She was gone and then I was down two tellers etc. So every day at work is just crazy, and then working 6 days gets the best of you. It's definitely been difficult to work through that, through my home issues, and still eat right and work out everyday, but I put my health first for the first time in a long time, and it's paid off. I realize that putting your health first doesn't always mean that it comes first. You have to work to sustain your life. You have to deal with relationships. And then your health comes in between and it's up to you to not allow a long day or a headache or tired feet to keep you from going to the gym. Sometimes working out is at the expense of that extra hour of sleep or spending time with a friend, but it's a necessity if this process is going to be successful for the long haul. Things are looking up though. I am hiring a new assistant manager at some point later this month. I am interviewing this week, but already know who I want and its just a process since she is already in the position at the same company. I will probably have her in place in about one month. I also will be fully staffed on my teller side by next week, so things are definitely going to be getting less hectic here soon at work.

Well, I think that's about it for now... Thanks for reading!

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