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As of today I have lost a total of 109.6 pounds since I started this Journey. It's crazy to me that I have lost that much, but at the same time I feel like I am still "big" and need to lose more- which is true, but I should be happy with my results.

That isn't to say I am not happy- I am, but I really want to get to goal and have a paralyzing fear that I am just going to stop losing and be one of those people who must resign to being content being a less fat version of themselves, but nonetheless still "fat". You know what I am talking about right? I have to constantly remind myself of where I started and what I let myself get to so that I can be happy with where I am. I keep wanting to just go back to where I was years ago, but that isn't possible, or so it seems.

I see people on this site that look amazing and like they were never big before. But as I personally lose weight I see all the excess skin and realize that without plastic surgery, that won't be me. Maybe it will tighten up more as time passes, I am pretty sure it will from losing weight in the past and that hapenning, but it's never been this much. By the time I get to goal I will have lost over 140 pounds at minimum, and thats a lot of extra skin. Wah wah wahhh.

Anyway, on to what has worked. I have no "rules" that I live by. A typical day I eat an egg and piece of sharp cheddar cheese for breakfast. I hard boil a few for the week and take them to work. Sometimes I eat this for lunch too. Other times I will eat part of a sandwich, or order food out and eat a small portion. If I am out with friends I eat whatever I want, but anything "bready" takes up too much space and that pretty much means I have like 3 bites and am done. I am a lot better about listening to my body and when I am full I stop, which is soon. Before surgery that would have NEVER happenned. I would just keep pushing it. The discomfort after surgery is much worse though, so that could be part of it.

My biggest aid has been excersize. I excersize a minimum of 5 days a week, but many weeks I go all 7 days and sometimes twice in one day. I have always loved to work out, and as I have lost weight its become more pleasurable to go to the gym since everything is easier. I can now run a mile in 10 minutes or slightly less, and run up to 8 miles at a time! What what! I recently ran a local 5k, and am scheduled to do the rock and roll half marathon in early June and a Camp Pendleton10k  "Mud Run" later in June as well. I am familiar with that run, since  did it 5 years in a row before my weight gain the last few years. I also love to do weights, and typically spend about 1.5-3 hours in the gym, doing a 60 minute cardio then the rest of the time in the weight room. I also have done some crossfit classes and still do the spin classes and other gym classes as they fit into my schedule. If I don't excersize I find myself in a more "snacky" mood, so it seems to me like working out and taming the beast of my desire to eat go hand in hand. I realize this about myself so the solution is easy- excersize daily. If I am super sore I don't have a problem taking a rest day, but I have to be really aware of my eating behavior on those evenings.

In my personal life things are okay. I moved out of my husbands house a couple months ago and have moved in with my parents. We filed for divorce about a month ago. We had some major issues dating back to when we were dating. The writing was on the wall for a long time. He hated my religion, I hated that he wasn't religious. He was constantly negative and unwilling to work out with me, go to the gym, go out period really. Anytime we did something with my friends or fam he would hold it over my head that it was my fault he didn't get this or that done around the house. We even fought on our own wedding day and almost called it off right then and there. Overall I was miserable and it showed in my weight. I met him at a size 4 and ballooned to a 28 in the small 3 year period we were together. I know I am responsible for what I did to my body, but a big takeaway is that you need to be around people who have similar goals as you and who are uplifting and encouraging. There were MANY "final straws" in our relationship. I can't tell you how many times I started packing or he told me to leave, but I finally had the courage to do it. Losing weight I am sure helped, because I regained some of my own self-worth back; but I don't want anyone to think that I left BECAUSE of the weight loss- because that isn't at all the case. This has been a long time coming.

So now I am with my parents. I recently applied and was approved for a home mortgage loan. I put an offer in on a small 2bed/2bath single family home and it was approved. Now I just have to make sure it passes an inspection since it has to pass FHA rules. I don't know if it will because there were a couple areas of concern- but if it doesn't work out I am sure I will find something else. I am not in a rush, but I do want my own space and to just get my life together. I would also love to get my dog back from my husband. We had three but one is my girl.

Work is hectic. My assistant manager went on a long medical leave pretty much as soon as I got back from surgery back in October. Since then I have been working 6 days a week with short staff. She was gone and then I was down two tellers etc. So every day at work is just crazy, and then working 6 days gets the best of you. It's definitely been difficult to work through that, through my home issues, and still eat right and work out everyday, but I put my health first for the first time in a long time, and it's paid off. I realize that putting your health first doesn't always mean that it comes first. You have to work to sustain your life. You have to deal with relationships. And then your health comes in between and it's up to you to not allow a long day or a headache or tired feet to keep you from going to the gym. Sometimes working out is at the expense of that extra hour of sleep or spending time with a friend, but it's a necessity if this process is going to be successful for the long haul. Things are looking up though. I am hiring a new assistant manager at some point later this month. I am interviewing this week, but already know who I want and its just a process since she is already in the position at the same company. I will probably have her in place in about one month. I also will be fully staffed on my teller side by next week, so things are definitely going to be getting less hectic here soon at work.

Well, I think that's about it for now... Thanks for reading!

Its just two days shy of one month since my surgery. The biggest adjustment is finding something to ease my anxiety/bored chunks of time that I previously spent enjoying or getting excited about food. I don't know why or how I thought that would go away just because I had surgery, but I find myself a little restless and now realize how much energy and happiness I put into food! So sad. I started taking a mosaic class on Sunday nights and that definitely keeps me interested and excited. I'm going to keep engaging in other hobbies or events to keep my mind off food and on other positive behaviors.

I still enjoy making food and enjoy the smells, so I have been toying with all those fab recipes out there, but eating so little doesn't really make it as "fun" as it was before since I got my thrills from large portions of "bad" food. I have pretty much cut most carbs now that I can eat some mushy food, but I need to work more on getting protein drinks in, and there is nothing really exciting about drinking food. For those people who think this is the easy miracle way out- it's not. Yes I think its miraculous that this surgery has allowed me the restriction I need to lose weight, and without it I NEVER would have lost this much so fast, but all of those head emotions/desires are still there. The need to excersize is still there and the motivation doesn't magically appear. And the more I am on these boards the more I realize that those success stories out there all came from people who literally worked their as*es off like no other, from excersize to counting calories to weighing food etc.

I am very happy that I had the surgery and have no regrets. Not even those emotions that I used to have because those and my lack of control are what got me into the size I was in pre-surgery. This morning I weighed 277.6, losing 38.4 pounds since surgery! I just can't believe it. The last time I was in the 270's was over perhaps Jan/Feb of 2011, and just kept gaining and gaining until I got to about 316 in August. I can't believe I let myself get so large but I took pics at that point anyway just so I wouldn't forget and allow myself to ever get back to that place. I can also cross my legs again!

Excersize. It's been tough getting myself to workout. I have been doing it 3-6 times per week as soon as I could (at the end of week 2) but I don't know if its the lack of energy or what, I just draaaag getting there. I don't want to go, I feel like I have no motivation, but then I go and all is fine. It's so funny too because once I am there I am totally into it and even think to myself that I was being ridiculous and this feels so good and bla bla bla. Hopefully that addiction will return. I used to cherish my time at the gym and would be in a horrible mood if I didn't go. I don't know what hapenned! Actually I do, I gained a crapload of weight, became a homebody and just a shell of the person I was, and lost my interests. Well that isn't going to happen again. I have started doing spin classes again which I love because I don't have to think much and am forced to be in a room for a whole hour. I also started weight training and doing other cardio when I can't get into a class. Although I am still really heavy, I no longer have ankle pain or other weird pains. I used to feel like my ankles were going to fall off from just walking my dog 4 or 5 blocks. No more!  

So that is my update for now!

Well hello!

I am feeling better and better as each day passes! I had my surgery on the 14Th, it was a textbook procedure, no complications according to the doc. He did say that I had more muscle than most patients so I would more than likely have a lot more "discomfort". I hate that word! Just say pain. And where did this so called muscle come from? Really!? Well I did have a decent amount of pain and was sick to my stomach (but thank GOD didn't puke) that first day but slept through most of it and because I was sleeping I couldn't press my pain button that administers morphine- so then I'd have pain again. Eww. Thursday was fine. I barely hit the pain pump and felt a lot better. It was definitely tolerable though I must say. Friday I was released, normally I wouldn't have been until Saturday, but the Dr. said I was fine to go home.

I stayed at my parents for a couple days. For some strange reason, whenever they were cooking food it felt SO good. I would go from feeling a little nauseous to feeling just fine at the smells of things cooking. I have also REALLY enjoyed watching others eat and smelling the food. It's really odd. I don't envy them at all or feel like having it myself, not in the least, I feel permanently full. It's so weird. If I have a sip of water I feel sooo full. It's the weirdest thing to me and makes me excited to think that I am full so fast! I know that part of this is just the recent surgery because of the shock to the body, inflammation etc, but I am hoping that it's a small sign of being full fast in the future.

I get slight cramping in my stomach sometimes and I don't know if it's hunger or ? I would imagine it is as I haven't eaten anything in almost a week. The doc said that I can have creamy soups and protein powder mixed however, but it's made me sick every time I try to get it down. I'm just going to take it easy and stay on the broth and sugar free juice/Popsicles. My stomach incisions are still sore - especially the big one and the one in my belly button. Ewwy.

Another weird thing is that I have been dreaming of stuffing my face every night with stuff I shouldn't have and then feeling this intense fear from filling myself. Last night it was some type of mac & cheese Why? I rarely even ate that before surgery! I don't miss food or anything like that! I think it's that fear of blowing up my tiny stomach or something.

I can't wait for all of this to be a distant memory and start feeling normal, go to the gym etc. I am so dang bored sitting at home! Ugh! But I am too sore to take myself somewhere and walk around. I think tomorrow I will take myself to the beach in the morning even if I can only make it to the shore and back slowly.

That's about it for now!

Well hello friends!

I don't have that many- but I love the ones I have!! Hee hee! I am trying to write about my experiences so I can look back and read what I thought at the time. I know, three blogs in isn't very much. I am guessing it will be more after surgery ;)

I had a big heart to heart with myself last night after praying for a long time about my bad eating decisions, what I was getting myself into etc and I realized that I made this decision a long time ago for great reasons. Reasons that still exist. I think I was growing so fearful as I got closer to surgery for all the wrong reasons. It's not that I don't feel afraid, I do at times, but I know that God will see me through this and that I have to keep the end goal in mind.I realize I may wake in some pain, I might immediately think I regret it, but I really wont. I want this 150%. I kicked it into high gear, had a shake for b-fast this morning, went to a 60 min spin class at the gym, and I feel great. Now I just need to keep it up! Only 9 more days to turn myself into an ideal surgery candidate!!

I want to be a healthy aunt for my niece and nephew. I don't want to have to answer the question my nephew asked me last year by my niece when she is old enough of "aunty, why are you so big?, I mean, a lot bigger than mommy". That broke my heart especially because it was said in complete innocence. When he could tell it hurt my feelings he said that I was the prettiest aunty in the world and wrote me a note to say sorry and he loved me. I wasn't upset at him, I was upset at myself and the denial I had been living in. I realized how much I didn't want to be that Aunt, or Mom if that ever happens. I started thinking about it, and I knew I was embarassed by my size. I had gone to pick up my nephew at school a few times and although part of me was excited to see how excited he was, the other part was thinking about what age kids start noticing things to pick on other kids about. Would they see me and think I was his Mom? She is thin and gorgeous and he would never get picked on by kids for that. Would they make fun of him for having a big person pick him up? Would HE be embarassed by me? Did kids already talk about being fat? I felt totally second rate and was comparing myself to other parents. Soon after I stopped going to get him and just started showing up at the house when I had a day off and knew he was going to be there soon.

My ankles hurt so bad from spin today, but it's just soreness. Then again they hurt after I walk my dog at nights. Many nights my feet are so sore from the little walking I do at work that my poor hubs has to walk all three of them in turns while I sit- literally, on my fat butt. It's not that I don't want to help, I just have never felt so much discomfort in my feet, ankles and lower back. I just realize that I need to buckle down and force myself to do things. I should feel blessed that my body can even do so many things and excersizes that other my size or even smaller people aren't able to. I know that I am not going to wake up skinny, I am still going to be a big girl who needs to get workouts in to lose weight optimally, and I definitely am committed to doing that.

I feel so much better now making these discoveries (that have been there all along). No more feeling sorry for myself or the food I can't have. No more "last meals"- I am done with that mentality. Yeah, I should have been a while back, but at least I got here. I am ready!

My surgery is scheduled!!!! I found out last over a week ago but have been in somewhat of a daze. I don't know what my deal is.

Anyway, on to the good news- September 14th is the day everything changes. I am anxious, nervous, scared, mourning food already, ugh! All the emotions. Mostly I'm nervous. I have never had any type of surgery so I am nervous about that, but even more than that I am overcome by a kind of ... fear? it is? Nerves? I guess fear & nerves over my life changing to where I can't eat what I want. Or drink what I want for that matter. Not that I am a drunkard, but I enjoy my wine and my once every 6 months or so occasion to go out.

I have even thought, Oh! I can celebrate surgery by getting sushi afterwards (sushi is my guilty pleasure which of course I fake myself into believing is healthy although I eat all the fried/mayonnaise filled rolls). But then reality kicks in...and it's like ummm no...You won't be having squat after surgery but some ice chips and a swollen stomach with a few holey holes in it.
 
I wish I could just keep my eyes on the goal, which is what I need to do. I need to think of how good it feels to look and feel fit and comfortable and full of energy. Right now though, I am just at a place where my love of food has overpowered my love of being thin. I want it so bad, but then my actions speak louder than my thoughts.

It's interesting because I have been thin several times before, and each time I never "missed" food or loved it so much. I even think "why did I ever eat that, or let this happen" "never again!" on and on- but then, something washes over me and the fat elementary kid in me comes out and eats everything in sight. I all of a sudden have urges for fast food, sweets etc, and stay in that "phase" long enough to balloon. So sad. Hopefully I will look back on this post a year from now and think I was silly to have all of these reservations/fears. I really pray that I will be able to focus on other things that make me happy and are good for me.

I was good and had a shake this morning, and am having another for lunch with two pieces of deli meat. Hopefully I can keep this eating pattern until surgery...not that I trust myself to, but we'll just have to wait and see!

 

I am still waiting for my appointment with the surgeon. I am FINALLY done with the Kaiser options program. I know that my lab tests came in. I found at last week that "everything" was done according to Kaiser and that they would be sending my Authorization letter to Pacific Bariatric, the place that will be performing my surgery.

Now I have to wait to get a copy of that Auth letter before setting my appointment at the surgery center. Then they will do some more tests, and a few weeks after that I will be scheduled for surgery. Right now they are scheduling for September. By the time it's my time to get scheduled, who knows what month it'll be.  Is it me or does this process seem to be taking forever? 

I know that I am just being impatient. If I was losing weight right now maybe I would have more patience. I really need to get into the gym more and drink more protein shakes. I seem to do fine in the AM and the afternoon. Most often even having shakes for breakfast and lunch. But then, dinner comes and bam! I blow it. Either on too much to eat, too many sweets, or often times a combination of both. What a horrible existence to rely on food for my contentment! I say that I don't- but my actions tell a different story.

I have a membership at 24hour fitness that I barely ever use. I've been thinking of joining this other gym called "crunch" fitness that has a super low monthly fee plus has unlimited tanning included for just $20- a month. It's also on my way home from work which might help me to go more often. Either way, I need to just "do it" as the Nike people would say. Maybe just a change of scene would help since I have been going to 24 hour for over 15 years. I don't know.

I don't know what the deal is. I used to be a gym-rat or work out a holic, whatever you want to call it, but since I have gained all this weight I feel so unmotivated. I'm not embarassed or anything to go, in fact, when I do go I always tell myself that I should go everyday, and I can't believe that I don't. But then- low and behold ...I don't.

I hate the thought that I will be like this forever. I know that once I lose a bulk of the weight I will make the gym a regular enjoyable habit again. I just have to make sure I never allow myself "off" the wagon.

So there you have it. My rant for the day.