Just putting one foot in front of the other...

Nov 01, 2012

Sorry this isn't going to be a "happy happy joy joy" post - you know me, I keep it real. If you want to see happy-happy, go somewhere else today. Not every day is a freaking picnic with this weight loss thing.

I'm just kind of putting one foot in front of the other these days. I have a follow up with my doctor tomorrow about the Lexapro. 5mg ain't doing nuthin' except I don't randomly cry as much. The good news is that all my blood labs came back fine. I dunno. I'm just hanging in there right now. I'm maintaining, still floating around 185-187 so at least I'm not gaining at this point. I'm not sure what's really wrong with me other than I'm just in a crappy place mentally.

I got into the Halloween candy the day before yesterday so I made hubby hide it. He hid it good too because I went looking for it and couldn't find it. He forgot to take it to work though today. Sigh. I keep saying that it's better than it would have been otherwise so I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It is what it is. But he's taking that crap to work with him tomorrow. *laughing*

I'm really struggling to get back to the gym. I blame the neck fusion for getting me off track and it's absolutely true, but that was in in early April. I'm out of excuses, really. The reality is that I don't want to. My therapist would tell you that because I wasn't allowed to be throw my little puberty-induced hissy fits as a kid that I'm doing it now in my own little ways. I think I might just be lazy and, frankly, don't give a shit. Which is the overall problem.

I don't give a shit. About anything, really. I'm faking it pretty good with the kids, but the reality is that I'm just completely apathetic to nearly everything right now. Which is why I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow and asking her for more meds because this isn't doing anything and it's been nearly 4 weeks.

I'm declaring tomorrow "stop the crap" day and I'm going grocery shopping tonight to stock back up on things I know I need in the house to be successful. And the Halloween candy is LEAVING MY HOUSE. I can at least take back control of my food issues.

I have 10 pounds to my "goal". Enough with the self sabotage already. Get it done and stop whining about it. Suck it up.

Which is, I think, part of my problem. I've been counting down to 175. That would be 200 pounds lost and I though that would be perfect. My body would be great. Ha! That's not what's happening. I know in 10 more pounds I won't be happy, with my weight or with my body (which is a melted, drooping mess). So I think part of me is in total "eff it" mode right now.

I have decided to find a plastics person in Austin and go in for a consult. I would at least like to know what they can do, when and what the results will be. ALL of my fat is in my stomach and, frankly, I'm tired of stuffing the fat deposits and yards of extra skin into my jeans. I'm done. In so many ways. Just done. Like do I need to lose 10 more pounds or 30 more pounds and can they just suck this stuff out or what? I lean over and I have six freaking UTTERS. It's disgusting and it's ridiculous. I sit down and I pinch my own ass from the loose skin. I lay down in bed and pinch my back skin. I can NOT live like this much longer or I'm going to completely lose my mind.

The worst part is that I have absolutely NO one to blame by myself. 30+ years of obesity, folks. This is the price you pay. It sucks. Big time.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret surgery. Hell, I've lost 191 pounds and can do all kinds of weird skinny bitch things right now, but it ain't all roses. I know the rubber hits the road right now and I'm not all that happy about it. I want to go back to smooth sailing. And yes, sometimes, I wish I could eat an entire pizza and a gallon of ice cream and make it all go away, but that's the point right? To deal with it. It just sucks right now.

It's a phase. It will pass. Right? Sigh.

Yes, I have a therapist. Yes, I have a doctor. Yes, I'm taking care of myself. Yes, I have a great support system (heck, an amazing one). But just wanted to update - and maybe share with others that might "get it". xoxo

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