Donnaslifepart2

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OK. I have a confession to make.

Since I got my date, I have been out of control.  I have been eating and rationalizing it by saying "This is the last time I will ever eat this...".  Am I going crazy?

I will say the PMS may have played a role as Aunt Ruby is in town, but I am certain that the stress/reality of this whole situation has also played its part.  This how I have traditionally coped with stress.

My last three years have been very stressful.  In this time frame, my hubby has lost his job, my Mother and father both died, I have been the sole income earner in my home, one of my children became a mother (a eustress but still a stress), my hospital has re-organized the unit I work on and closed beds with the accompanying threat of job losses.  Add to that the usual everyday stuff and that equals about 80lbs. gained over the last 2 1/2 years.  Clearly I need a better way to manage stress and I need a vacation (WHICH I NEVER SEEM TO BE GRANTED ).

In one month I will be going on a leave of absence for medical reasons.  Although I am having surgery, it will also be the long awaited vacation ~ a desperately needed time to rest and get myself together.

Having said all of that I am putting a stop TODAY to the crazy out of control eating that I have been doing.  I am going to do the Atkins diet induction phase for two weeks until I start my Optifast diet on May 10th.  On May 8th, I will have my birthday/ Mother's day celebration and I will not feel guilty about having a small piece of sugarfree cheesecake (tried the recipe fot Easter and it was yummo) and Red Rocket chicken wings.

I don't know how much I weigh right now but I will take my measurements today and weigh myself at work tonight and check my blood pressure.

I know I will feel better if I do this.  I can't feel worse.

I'm sitting here thinking about how my body feels and I decided to document it because I want to have several markers to judge changes in my life, apart from changes on the scale.

Today I have heartburn. This a usual thing so I wasn't surprised to find that my gastrocopy showedI have chronic gastritis.  I finished work yesterday morning but I still am feeling very tired and lethargic.  This is a pretty typical state of affairs.  I don't have any energy to complete physical tasks apart from what is absolutely necessary so that the list of things I would like to do remains undone.  This is very frustrating as these things must eventually get done.  I am sitting in my living room looking at the colour of the walls - dusty rose.  I detest these walls but I haven't painted them yet.  It is april - prime time to get my garden cleaned up, turned over and ready to plant.  Will that happen?  I don't know.  My beautiful little grand daughter, Danae, has just turned 12 months old.  It is absolutely exhausting to care for her.  Currently, I must refuse to keep her on days that I work because it is just too difficult to watch her and work on the same day.  Right now Danae is here, at the house.  Hubby is watching her because I am just too tired.  This is definitely not the life I envisionned.

Intellectually, I know that it would be wise to start a walking program now.  In my last thinner period (because I haven't been under 200 lbs since I gave birth to my first daughter 23 years ago), my hubby and I were walking 50 minutes up to 5x/week and I felt great. That was over 2 years ago.   I just can't seem to get started and I know hubby feels thatI have to find my own motivation to walk..  I would like to do couch to 5k but in 6 weeks?  maybe 6 months...or a year.  Not today. 

I was so excited to get a date and stupefied to get ???May 26??  I was squeeling so much I was certain I hadn't heard correctly....so I called her back to confirm and yes it is May 26th.   I am so excited....ONEDERLAND HERE I COME!!!!!!!!

I attended the nutrition class today.  I don't understand why people are forced to sit through these things.  We were given a manual to read.  The speakers simply repeated a synopsis of what is in the manual.  I am tired because I worked last night and my time would have been better spent sleeping.

I filled my prescriptions.  Optifast was 167.00 for 2 weeks the tinzaparin, codeine liquid, lansoprazole fast dissolve wafers and Vitamin K cost $267.00.  I have no drug plan and have to cover all these costs myself.  Ouch!

So now I wait.... I hate waiting for information......

I had my consult with Dr. Hong today.  He was very personable and answered all of my questions.  In particular, I was interested in the incidence of Peterson's hernias post-op (he said about 15%) and how knowledgeable the ER docs at St. Joseph's  hospital are about post-op complications.  He said he gives lectures to the docs on diagnosing post-op complications ie. what to look for on CT scan, etc. because post-op hernias etc. are complicated to diagnose unless you are skilled at what to look for.  The lesson here is find a good ER which is staffed with people who should know what types of issues to look for and go there when trouble arises.

Impression - Dr. Hong appeared forthright and looked me straight in the eye.  He answered all my questions with  confidence and detail sufficient to make me feel confident about proceeding with this.

My immediate family have been very supportive of my decision.  For my kids this is probably being processed as yet another diet.  My wonderful husband, Bert, has been so suppoertive.  He is terribly worried about the actual surgery but understands how important this is to me.  I want him to come to the meeting with the surgeon.  Hopefully, he will feel a little more assured after that.

I told a friend yesterday that I was planning to have gastric bypass surgery.  I was pleasantly surprised by her response.  She told me that another friend had a lap band procedure and hasn't regretted it and in fact thinks it's the best thing she ever did for herself.

It was an opportunity to increase awareness about WLS surgery in general and RNY in particular.  I was happy that she was not the least judgemental, but then that is my friend Lynn to a T.

I will have to tell another group of friends on Tuesday because when I meet them, it is customary to have wine and coffee.  Of course, I will not be partaking of those items and they will want to know why.  I trust they will be as understanding as they are a great group of ladies.

I have already decided not to give details to the people at work.  The 3 people I work with directly are aware but the people who work other shifts do not need to know before the fact.  They will see once I start to lose weight and of course, they will be aware that I am not at work for a prolonged period of time.

I have no plans to explain myself to the community at large as, general, I am quite private.

I saw Dr. Powles in the Respirology Clinic today.  He says I don't need a CPAP machine.  Although I have moderate-severe apnea on my back, I have practically none when sleeping on my side.  He recommended I be recovered post-op on my side and wants to see me again once I've lost 60 lbs.  He also gave me a prescription for Requip - for restless legs.  I hope it helps.

Thoughts - When walking through the grocery store, it dawned on me that this is really going to happen.  Not a dream anymore.  I think that realization scared me because I had a strong urge for a Drumstick (the first junky thing I saw in the store).  I am going to have to work on better impulse control.

This is my first blog post ever.  Lots of firsts for me from now on.

Here are my stats so far:  

Oct 18, 2010 - asked family MD to refer me to the Bariatric referral program in Ontario
Dec. 13, 2010 - attended a general information meeting at St. Joseph's Hospital in Hamilton.
March 4, 2011 - 1st meeting with nurse and nutritionist.
Mar 4-23, - all of the pre-op appointments incl. gastroscopy, abd US, sleep lab, etc.

next steps;
Mar 24 - respirologist appointment (probably will need CPAP)
April 7 - appointment with surgeon - Dr. Anvari.

Thoughts:

I am very excited and hopeful.  I feel I am beginning the next phase of my life in many ways (kids are grown, planning out my retirement from my current career - hopefully in 9 years) and now planning to focus on being the best me that I can be.