EmergentGrace

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Week 3, one full week of pureed foods.  My diet thus far has consisted of a protein shake in the morning and then maybe 3 oz of re fried beans with a little melted cheese, cottage cheese, or soup.  I was not very good about "eating" more than once a day for a lot of the week, but I have been working on it.  I tried pureed imitation crab which didn't sit well, and egg salad which I decided the taste of light mayo was awful.  I did have a good experience with "lasagna" tonight.  I used one of my tiny bowls, filled it halfway with cottage cheese, poured in a little bit of marinara, and topped with a bit of mozzarella.  Zapped it in the microwave for 2 minutes and let it cool.  Almost like the real thing.

I have lost a grand total of....3 pounds.  So I feel pretty mixed about this.  On one hand I am pretty concerned that I only lost 3 pounds when I have this awesome tool and I have barely eaten anything.  I only have about 6 months to really drop weight and my weight isn't really being cooperative.  Along those lines I start to wonder if I will only lose about 15 more pounds over the next 6 months and will have gone through all of this for pretty much nothing.  On the other hand, I just know that my body is adjusting.  It isn't uncommon for me during regular weight loss attempts to stall out about 3 and 4 weeks out, which is about where I usually get so frustrated I give up.  I can't give up this time, so even if I lose nothing, or even if I gain, I'm sticking it out because I really have no choice.  I think that after a couple of weeks of stalling I'll have a good loss again.  I am following the rules.  I'm drinking the water, I'm eating only allowed foods, so it should come eventually once my body accepts that withholding the loss isn't going to get it more food.

I am concerned that I haven't really had much energy for working out.  I did do a but load of housework that I have put off because I have been healing.  My house is finally back in maintainable shape, and I start work full-time again tomorrow.  I plan on taking a water bottle, a crystal light mix-in, a yogurt, and maybe a cottage cheese or small bowl of soup.  Yes, we are back to liquid diet foods because I have stuff in the fridge right now that will travel.  I will try to bring some purees maybe, but I would rather not have a bad reaction at work, so I will save that for when I am at home, maybe a weekend.  as far as working outgoes, I haven't really figured out how to get that back into my full-time working schedule.  Let me rephrase that, I can weasel it into a just before bed work-out (I travel 2 hours each way to work). I just don't know if I will have the energy to kick it out.  Maybe a 15 minute goal to start?

I'm also still sitting at the dinner table with my family at dinner time while I eat.  I am not going to lie, my husband made his famous fried chicken Parmesan and it looked wonderful.  I made the lasagna which was a similar food and satisfied me, but I am not sure how I am going to do once I can eat like a person again.  I'm going to try and find healthier recipes I guess, or have hubby grill me a piece of chicken instead of fry mine. 

I'm still optimistic :)

Till next week....

Week two!  Oh glorious day where I can finally eat something besides pure liquids.  At midnight I had 3 oz of cottage cheese, and I swear I had never tasted anything so delicous.  Tonight I had mashed potatoes for dinner (while everyone else ate BBQ chicken).  I am down to 252.  That is 22 pounds.  I am happy, don't get me wrong, but I'm just wanting a little more.  That is pretty typical of me in general.  Add a plateau and I would usually just say "screw it".  I was warned about this attitude by both my nutritionist and the psychologist.  I feel like this time around that the weight will actually drop (I'm just not sure how much).  I feel like the rules are easy enough to follow for now. 

My husband hooked up my wii (we had just moved to this house a month before my surgery) and I did wii fit for 35 minutes.  I took it slow, but I've been out of commission long enough that I really felt like I was getting a workout.

Tomorrow I go back to work at a job I wonly work one day a week at, and I have a phone interview for a full-time job that will be an hour and a half drive each way.  On one hand I hope I get it, but on the other hand I am worried that that many hours from home will end up being bad news for weight loss, not to mention my family, but we'll be out of money in 3 weeks, so I don't really have much of a choice.  Maybe it will be good though?  I can't eat fast food, I will have to plan my meals for the day, and pack them with.  I will make my morning protien shake on my way out the door and take my little lunch box with me.  It is just an interview though :).

I'm just trying to keep a positive attitude, because from what I have seen, that is what makes ALL of the difference in the long run. 

Just had to write a quick note because I reached my first 15 pounds.  Not bad for two weeks worth of liquid diet I guess.  It is just so nice to see some results. 

I go to Portland today to see Dr. Patterson to investigate the largest of my incisions which was tender and throwing of some heat.  It seems to be almost better today, except for a painful lump underneath, it almost feels like an egg in there.  I'm hoping I don't already have a hernia.  They require surgery to fix and that either means I will have to put up with the pain until I lose enough weight to get my much desired tummy tuck which is about 2 years out, or have to go in for srgery again so soon.  :p  I'm hoping its just the healing process in motion.  Either way I am very happy about the loss so far.  15 pounds isn't a ton of weight, but it is significant enough for me right now.  It also means 20 pounds is right around the corner.  Last year's high weight was 255 before I started training for my half marathon which got me down to 202 and a comfortable size 16.  Right now I am at 259 at a size 24 (squeezing into elastic 20s) so I am almost back to where I started before I gained back my weight plus 20 pounds.  I am so happy to know that I won't gain it all back and then some after this atempt.  It is one reason I opted for the bypass.  I knew if I tried and succeeded at any weight loss atempt the second I was off program I would be even bigger than I started.

On kind of a funny note, my husband took me to town yesterday to get some household shopping done.  I had the worst cabin fever.  After telling me he felt horrible for doing it, he went to McDonald's for lunch and as he was ordering through the drive through my surgeon's office called me back regarding my inscision, and she could totally hear the drive-through in the background.  I told her my husband was ordering himself lunch, and the MA said, "Nothing but liquids for you", and I told her I was ording ice water.  After he ordered I jokingly asked him if he could squeeze the hamburger juice into my mouth and I could lick his fingers after he ate his french fires.   I'm not going to lie, I miss real food, but not being able to eat it helps me see how bad my problem really is.  I would have driven him to fast food myself after shopping, that is what we always did.  Now I see how that has contributed to my disease.  Last night I made my family shake-n-bake chicken, buttered pasta with broccolli, and cornbread.  Oh yes, I wanted to eat it with them, but I found myself asking what about this meal I could have after I healed,  I concluded I would only have room for one piece of chicken and a little broccolli even if I wanted to eat the other stuff.  I can live with that.

At bedtime I decided to try one of my sugar-free popsicles befoe bedtime as I was doing the laundry that has backed up since I have been out of commission (with 8 other people not really pulling their weight, it will take me three days of constant work).  I took 4 licks of the popsicle and after a few minutes started having stomach pain, increased pulse, and feeling like I wanted to vomit more than anything else in the world.  It did subside after about 15 or so minutes.  It turned out they were "no sugar added fruit popsicles" which were made from real fruit and had only 2 grams of sugar and splenda.  I guess I didn't tolerate them well.  I won't be trying that kind again.  I couldn't believe 4 licks could make me feel so horrible, and I know that was mild, thank goodness I didn't try to eat the whole thing.

I have been healing very nicely since home.  I have heard some post op patients get drainage tubes, but all I have are six semi-tender incisions.  I had a huge breakdown on thursday.  I felt hungry, not real hungry I guess, but I had stomach rumblings and hard core cravings for any food other than what I have been eating for the past week and a half.  The knowledge set in that there was no way I would ever be able to do this without surgery and even with it it was HARD.  What made it difficult was coming home to my famly and watching them be able to eat normally.  I cried and yelled, it wasn't pretty.  My husband felt so bad for me that he decided to stay on my liquid and puree diet with me for the next 3 weeks.  I don't expect him to stick to it, mostly because I know without this tool I can't, but it feels so good to finally have his total support.

I am looking really forward to eating paste in another week.  I think I am down to 263 already, so 11 pounds total so far.  Not enough to get excited about but at least it is a start.  Although the first few days were up and down, other than the tenderness and the gas EVERY time I eat, (and bowel function has returned but I would hardly call it normal), I am feelng pretty good.  

I have realzed this week that it will be my attitude that determines my succes.  I have this awesome tool that makes significant weight loss possible,   It is still hard though.  Its hard to watch your kids woulf down burritos and candy bars while you are eating a protien shake and cold broth for the 16th time,   I think the breakdown is normal, and probably not the last one.  I am hoping that more positive experiences are on the way to balance it out.  For now I just have to remember WHY I am doing this and most importanly learn how to be patient.  That has always been a problem with me where weight loss is considered.  Right now I am grateful to be nearly off my pain meds (I still take them first thing in the morning and at night) and feeling pretty close to normal so soon. 

I didn't die...Ya!  I know, a little irrational, but I was a little worried.

I am at home now recovering.  As long as I take my prescription melds the pain is pretty OK.  every hour I breath into a plastic machine.  Apparently when they operate on you your lungs are sort of like a sponge with all the water squeezed out, and without walking and this machine they cant get back to normal.  For the first few days I did feel especially short of breath, especially when walking.  I also eat every 15 minutes as I can remember out of tiny once ounce cups.  My diet mostly consists of protein drinks, vanilla yogurt, milk, or soup without chunks.  I don't think I'm even getting 600 calories in right now, but the wonderful beauty is I have not been hungry once since surgery.  My husband picked me up from the hospital and drove to Carl's Jr.  and ordered a giant burger, diet coke, and onion rings, and then asked me if I wanted anything.  I asked for an ice water.  The food smelled good, but I wasn't  even remotely tempted because I wasn't hungry!  I can tell it bugs him a little.  He has told me I am addicted to plastic surgery and called me "Barbie" and told me he won't be attracted to me anymore.  To me it's funny because I don't look any different yet, maybe 10 pounds down, but that is about it.  I haven't had any plastic surgery, but am defiantly planning on the tummy tuck because my tummy has always hung down, even when I was thinner.  I might consider other procedures based on what happens to my body and what I can afford.  I know the weight has to come off first, and that is going to take time.  I think he is just feeling threatened and he might lose me once I get thinner.  He has been wonderful taking care of me and the kids, even making them hamburger helper which they love but he can't even stand the smell of.  He has been loving.  I think he is just scared. 

As far as the details of my surgery (for those of you who are getting ready to go through it still) I arrived at check in, and after a short wait was taken back to the short hold? waiting room which reminds me of an er, but basically where they prep you for surgery.  They had me pee in a cup for a pregnancy test (hahaha I had a tubal ligation, but they insisted, so whatever) and then I changed into a gown, and they gave me cute little slipper socks and an IV.  They weighed me in at 268.  I was still so hungry and thirsty because I was not allowed anything at all from 11pm the night before.  I met with the nurses who were assisting and my doctor and her assistant, and then they wheeled me into a room with cloud colored skylights, and that was the last thing I remembered. 
The whole surgery took between 2 1/2 to 3 hours and went smoothly.  She did find a bunch of scar tissue on my bowels from my c-sections which she got rid of for me.  I looked it up online later and apparently that can cause bowel obstruction problems later, so she may have saved me some misery.  I woke up after they had wheeled me into my super-awesome room which had a beautiful view, huge bathroom, and a nice recliner for my husband.  I was pretty out of it, but saw my incisions for the first time.  They look sort of like stab wounds I guess.  They have stitches from the inside and a film over the top.  There is some bruising, but over all they aren't bad at all.  My tummy feels as if I did 1000 crunches, and there is pain from the air they filled me with that is trapped.  I pee the first day but don't pass gas for 3, and still haven't pooped. 
The trauma from the surgery caused my period to start early, and the staff had to clean it up, and they acted like it was no big deal and made me feel very comfortable about it.  They gave me gentle encouragements to walk and use the breathing machine.  They told me what a great thing I was doing for my health and how good I was doing.  They gave me a morphine drip which I felt did nothing but put me to sleep.  Every time it wore off I would wake up and push the button and go back to sleep.  The oral medication did wonders, and since I've been home the Tylenol has helped too.  I haven't had any problems with digestion or throwing up because I am following the rules 100%, although there is silly gurgling in my belly as I digest.  I was in the hospital for two nights.  It was almost like a vacation with a horribly uncomfortable bed (unless you like hospital beds, I hate them, the back pain was worse than the abdominal pain by the last day). 

I am at home now, in my recliner, in minimal pain if I take my meds, my breathing is improving, my scars look good, and I enjoy eating my tiny once ounce cups every 15 minutes and sipping water and crystal light.  I have a nice, positive outlook.  I have no idea how much weight I should expect to lose.  The loss hasn't been very dramatic so far.  But it has only been 4 days since surgery.  We will see in a few weeks.  I sort of am hoping for 20 pounds over three weeks, especially eating so little.  I know my body has an aversion to letting go of weight though, so we will see. 

I can't believe I'm here, the day before.  I have been on a liquid diet for two days now, which without surgery I think is torture.  We had a girl scout bake sale yesterday, which was double torture, and by 3 PM I had an emotional breakdown because I was so hungry.  My poor husband has no idea what to do with this, and told me he doesn't understand because I chose this.  I tried to explain that if I could, I would choose to be a normal weight and eat "normally" but I can't.  Broth and protien shakes take the edge off but don't make me feel like I have eaten anything, and hunger pangs come within an hour.  I hope this will make me super appreciative post-surgery of the lack of hunger pangs.  I am convinced this is one reason I have not been terribly successful in weight loss to date.  Stupid hunger.  On the plus side I am down 5 pounds already :), and without the fear of gaining it back plus 5 more for good measure once I start eating "real food" again.  I wish I could have done better beforehand losing some weight, but I just couldn't with the knowledge my food crutch was being taken away.

I am a little scared, but maybe not as much as before.  Thoughts like, "What should I do if this is my last day on earth?" come to me, but I know in my heart if it were that dangerous insurance would never approve it.  Even if it were, I am pretty secure in what I have done with my life, I have told my husband my wishes in case of disaster, and I have no regrets.  I am doing this because my weight would have eventually taken my life from me before I was ready, either through stroke or heart attack, or through the gradual withdrawl I would have been forced to make as I got more exhausted carrying it around, embarassed to see people who used to know me when I was thinner, just not fitting into a world made for thinner people, and possibly from the horrible depression that has plagued my life.  I'm done, I want to move on.  I am willing to take that chance. 

So one more day of liquid diet, and lying low because I have no energy, and then at 3 am we start the drive to the hospital to see this through.  I am amazed at my husband's willingness to be there for me.  I told him I would take myself so he didn't have to get up, and he has told me a few times he disagrees with this choice and thinks I can just exercise it off.  Over the past month I have seen how much we bond over food.  I know he loves me fat, and I know this is going to change things somehow between us.  I hope in the end it will be for the better.  We have been through much bigger than this in our 11 years together.  I think we will muddle our way through.  I think part of him is afraid I will find someone better once the world finds me more attractive.  Silly. 

I am not sure when I will be up to posting more, but as soon as I am able I will with every detail :)

There hasn't been much to write about over the last month.  I had found out my metabolism is a bit slow (duh) and I have underlying depression that is managed by medication, but I was pretty much just playing the waiting game.  I started a vitamin regimin per the doc, and try to walk every day although the pain in my joints is pretty bad at this weight.  I am happy to say one week from tomorrow I will be under the knife.  My insurance and everything is cleared!!!

I am supposed to drop 10 - 20 pounds before surgery but I think I have actually gained 5.  Knowing I can't eat stuff after surgery is making me want it even more.  I feel like I have to have all my favorites "one last time".  I've done a great job kicking soda, something I haven't been able to accomplish for YEARS.  I still want it just about every day, but I am actually starting to crave ice water instead. 

3 days before surgery I have to be on an all liquid diet, and no food or drink the day of surgery.  One of those will be a bale sale I have to bake cookies and cakes for.  (Oh the irony.)  I keep thinking if I was capable of doing that I wouldn't need surgery, but hopefully my desire not to die on the operating table will be enough to hold me steady.  I have also found myself asking what I will look forward to any more once I am not able to get excited about eating.  I never realized how that gets me through the day before.  I need new things to get excited about.  Does anyone have anything that has worked for them?

Well, I have my psych testing done, and I am fit for surgery, with a warning that I need to be patient with the process.  I have been pretty patient thus far, but I feel like it will just never happen now.  It's like a calm acceptance.  I haven't lost any weight at all giving up my beloved Diet Coke, and I haven't been able to change my eating much with my large family.

On a personal level, we are moving at the end of the month into a bigger house with one more bedroom and room for me to craft and exercise, and lots of property for growing my own fruits and veggies (some are already growing now!) and flat land to walk around outside.

I am hoping for an interview tomorrow for a part time job, only 2 days a week.  I am a little torn on whether or not I should say anything about my upcoming surgery, mostly because I have no date yet.  All I have left is to see if I am complying with my recommendations, and to get a physical therapist.  After that????  I guess just wait some more. 

I took my daughters to the fair the other day, and there was a ride my smallest one couldn't get on without an adult because she was an inch or two too short, so I tried to go on with her, but try as we might, the carnival worker and I could not get the bar to latch over my stomach.  I should have been humiliated, but I felt more resigned, like I should have known I was too big.  Lucky for the both of us my 18 year old son came with a friend of his and they went on the rides with her.  Can you imagine how devastating that would have been for the little one?  All because I can't control my eating enough.  I am just hoping that next year I will fit just fine. 

I was looking at my closet today thinking I probably won't have to buy any new clothes for a long time, maybe never.  I have clothes from 16 on up, and I am probably a sturdy size 24 now.  In a perfect world I will hang out at a size 6, but I don't know that is realistic.  Maybe a 12-14...we'll see.

I guess that is what my problem really is, at first I was like, oh this is the last time I will ever eat this delicious food because I will be having surgery, and now I feel like it may never happen, and my whole life is on hold waiting for it. 

I know I need to get my act together when it comes to my food and exercise, and I am almost healed from my sprained ankle.  I have been go-go-going even with it.  I am feeling stressed out about money and time, my foster daughter's big court date, moving, my husband breaking his ankle at AT today.  I'm not sure how to tackle food and exercise when I have all this other stuff on my plate, and a family who feels like I am neglecting them if I don't make them three square meals every day.

Oh, and I have to go now to make play-doh for a volcano for girl scouts in 20 minutes...sigh.

I'll update when I have anything new to report at all...

I decided I wanted to post my experiences with my psychiatric testing and my metabolic testing so that anyone who needs to go through it still will have more of an idea of what to expect.  I piggy-backed appointments because Portland is an hour and a half drive in good traffic, and my husband and I are both currently unemployed, so it keeps some costs down to try to do things like this at the same time. 

First the psyche test is about 600 questions in two parts with about 10 types of questions asked about 60 different ways.  Some of the questions had me laughing out loud, like "Do you believe evil voices are telling you what to do?"  A lot were asking how depressed you are.  While I was taking the test the secretary got a phone call from someone asking about their results and she told them the doctor had decided that they were too depressed to go through surgery yet and they wanted that stabilized before they could go forward.  I felt so bad for the person on the other end, because I know how much being overweight contributes to the problem, and how they must have felt when getting that news.  I was glad I had been taking my medication regularly recently, and in a way that I was out of work, because my stress and depression are greatly relieved right now.  Other questions were asking about my stress level and if I felt comfortable talking to others about my problems, and how shy I was.   I tried really hard to be honest about how I felt and who I am today.  I tried to imagine being told they want me on treatment first, and how that might push back surgery even further.  So even the test itself sort of messes with my mind.  I will have to go back in a couple of weeks to find out the results.

Metabolic testing was done at the hospital.  I had to fast for at least 8 hours prior, so I assumed it was going to another blood draw situation.  Instead I was in a sleep center atmosphere where I was asked to lay on a bed and put a fishbowl or astronaut style helmet attached to air hoses over me and breathe without moving for about 15 minutes.  The technician explained that the test worked by testing lung volume (?) and that when we have food in our stomach our metabolism is actually higher, so that is why they ask us to fast.  After the test was done she was nice to inform me of my results, even though she doesn't know what my doctor will do with them.  Normal is 100%, and I came in at 96%.  I guess that means it is slightly harder for me than normal to lose weight doing nothing.  I couldn't help but think that maybe that test was completely unneccessary being that I am overweight.  But what that probably means is that my calories in should be 4% less than what other people should eat.  I am just theorizing of course.

For those who might be wondering about my physical therapy situation, they found a physical therapist closer to me (still 45 minutes away) that can help me.   So I think the lesson here is to be your own advocate and if something seems wrong or unfair to speak up.

I am out to the 19th of next month for follow up appointments so far, so I know I have at least another 30 or so days minimum before I get to go forward with surgery.  I guess it is good to have some time before such a big change, I just feel like I can't move forward with any personal plans like employment until I get it out of the way.

So, week one of keeping my log and making changes for my nutritionist, and already I am struggling and "cheating".  I am pretty frustrated that after getting the dream news of a lifetime, that I actually have a chance in hell of getting rid of this cumbersome weight via weight loss surgery and I can't get my diet together even a little bit. 

Maybe I am being hard on myself, but my nutritionist was flat out about me needing to make the changes now or I am going to gain weight back after my stomache heals.  I have to be honest, I am terrified of that.  What if I go through all of that, get skinny for 6 months, and then gain it all back.  I can't think of anything worse.  I already feel like a giant failure as it is for getting to over 270 pounds.  That is insane!  I feel like surgery is my last hope.  I can't really control what I eat for very long, that is why I am taking this extreme measure. 

I am sending my log tonight to my nutritionist, and I am not looking forward to her comments.  Tomorrow I see the nutritionist and do the metabolic testing.  After all of that, as far as I know I just have follow up appointments for psychiatric testing snd sleep apnea.  I do still need to meet with a physical therapist as well, and I don't have one yet, so I will have to kind of wait on that one.  The last appointment is around June 19th as far as I know, so my surgery should be in that area somewhere.  It is kind of hard to have to wait and wait like this, but at the same time, I am glad that I am putting all of the pieces of the puzzle together and that I will have a specialist working on every part of the problem that I can.  I don't know if I would have sought help for me sleep apnea had I not persued this course of treatment.

Despite, and maybe because of,  my continual failure with food, I am still optimistic that this will be successful in the end.