kerniec

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So the chiro released me to walk/run gently and I couldn't run. Slight pain left knee, stopped, stretched, walked tried to run, slight stabs, stopped altogether.  Walked total 2 miles.  Both knees sore.  Sigh.  Sad.  Hoped for better, didn't happen. 

So now I have to walk a 5 mile race which will then take me, at a minimum, 80 min which is deeply depressing since I was hoping to run it in less than an hour.  I am so depressed...........and sad.  My dad is mentally ill, he is schizophrenic, has been for years, used to be more schizoaffective but he got worse.........he isn't medicated but is finally receiving SSDI after being homeless but anyways he used to be a triathlete and here I am so proud of racing and he's so screwed up it's like I can't share it with him because he's dead.  And I know this is a big frickin' pity party but it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.

And did I mention I hurt?  I see the chiro tomorrow.  I am so mother freaking bummed about this, I am not registering for that bloody half marathon in April, what's the point if I can't even run a mile?   I want to believe him that they will get better, but when, but how???

So last Thursday realized I overtrained and was injured after running too many days, too many miles, wrong shoes, blah blah blah I get it.............

So today I was miserable posted for help and a kick in the ass decided to detox, done, made it through the day at 1200 cals, 127G protein, 58G carbs, wow! 

I saw chiro no perm damage just muscular imbalance should be back to running in a few weeks.  He MIGHT let me run the Turkey Trot next thursday, 5 miles, so my life is officially no longer over.

I love my chiro, he's new for me and I adore him............

Feeling better after lots of carb abuse and pity partying..........I lost my drug - running - and turned back to my old drug - food.  Nuff said. 

Took a road trip to Mt. Sterling we're still here and I have been exercised to DEATH by my coworker Johanna, AKA drill seargeant Jo.  She "made" me walk/run every day twice a day, my body aches.  I have never worked out so many minutes in my life, it's amazing..............ate healthy, just one slice of pizza and half a biscuit  and SF candy while I was here, my food choices were really good under the circumstances because we both watch our weight.  She's always been thin but works her ASS off to stay there, she's only 5 ft tall and about 99 lbs, like our other LW but she has done so much work to stay there, works out a good 2hrs plus a day. 

My belly is flatter than it was for GNG race onTues, so my costume should look awesome tomorrow, just have to stay on plan through the weekend.  Tomorrow night the DH and I go out to PARTY downtown Oregon District after Beggar's Night, CANNOT WAIT!  Gonna do some drinkin............and some dancin' to burn it off!  Good thing it doesn't take much!

Just going to copy my post that captured my feelings at that moment and then maybe add to them.......I forgot to do my post-race blog!

I had a great run tonight in the rain but it's been hours and I'm still cold, two Venti lattes later (one decaf)...............it was amazing.  First time I felt like a runner and not a former fat chick, I was totally focused on my time per mile and trying to improve..........time was 32:38, so I have improved 2.5 minutes since my race 4 weeks ago, that's pretty decent, although not as far as I want to be.........I'm always determined to be better at everything.  Pictures below.........friends old and new tonight...........the last pic is after the race, the other two are before, hence the different hair!

Turns out my time was 32:32, 10:30 minute miles.  I really felt like the real deal for the first time.  And I was up 5 lbs and it didn't make a difference, don't let those damn Runner's World jackbutts tell you gaining 5 lbs will slow you down, it didn't slow me down...........it was my best time ever, and I weighed less at my September race.  It's about training, dillweeds, not scales!

Having a miserable stressful day wishing my life were in 100 ways different eeded to take a moment to stop and smell the roses..............pic of me today at work, a little fuzzy from the crackberry.  It's awesome to have one aspect of my life right where it needs to be, maintaining, running, eating properly, body is a temple, all that!  It's a very fitted shirt, nothing forgiving about this outfit!  I am picking up my new glasses this afternoon, can't wait!

I am trying to focus on the positive but there is so much........but I am blessed to have my two wonderful kids, my friends, my family, my health, my running, my lap-band, my size 4 clothes, my great boss..........be thankful. 

Today was the big company sponsored race.  It was misty, chilly and dark this morning, with daylight breaking just before the race.  Due to some internal "paperwork" issues, I was never registered for the event I trained for, but a coworker opted out and I ran as her.  My time was 35 min, which is a 1 minute improvement over last Wednesday's 5K on more difficult terrain.  As I suspected, it was "embarassing" with my breathing being the way it is during the race, like I am whistling and dying, (meds don't help), definitely think I have undiagnosed COPD when I run..........we'll see how it is in a year.  My coworkers afterward noted how incredibly sweaty I was and I "looked like someone was chasing me" well wasn't that nice of them..........another guy said "I heard you whistling when you passed me" and I said "As I passed you, right?".  I both enjoyed and hated the event with my coworkers.  Dennis, Jevon, Travis, my running "buddies" all had good times, between 24-28 minutes.  The fastest time was like 16:01, that's INSANE! 

I am happy to be where I am and able to do what I can, and I am looking forward to the Ghost N Goblins run the last Tuesday of October!!!

I also made it to my daughter's soccer game, and they won again, they only have one loss this season!  She is not a "great" player but she likes doing it and I love her to death, she is a beautiful dancer, sports are NOT her thing thus far.  Trying to get her into running to help with her soccer, her running is awful............

Well, for those who don't know the story, I had bladder surgery and a port revision on 7/24.  Had post-op issues with exhaustion, dizziness, stamina, so not only did I have to take six doctor ordered weeks off jogging (normal with the surgery) I couldn't even do my 5K walks to keep up my exercise stamina.

So I restarted walking at week 4, still having some issues then.

Started "running" intervals week 6.  So it's been 12 days since I started training, and I am doing 3-1 intervals (3 min jogging "easy" pace (NOT!!) and 1 min walking quickly).  Today was my practice run because in 10 short days I have to do it in front of my coworkers and company VIPs, we are the #2 corporate sponsor...........

Did 36:59, I am so happy, I thought I would suck so much more.  I am hoping for 35-36 min a week from Sat, and 33 min by the Ghost N Goblins at the end of October.

Starting end of Sep, I am training for 5 miles - Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning!

Then a 5K Jingle Bells..............who knows what my time might be by then!

I even joined the local Runner's club so I can do up to 30 5ks a year at a cost of $3 per event!!!!

Tomorrow is the practice 5K, the one where I see "what I can do" so I don't embarass myself at the company sponsored event on the 26th.  I've only been training 10 days, since I was forced to take 6 wks off after bladder surgery.

I had a sad day today.  Life is tough and pulls me down sometimes, it's my own fault for letting things get to me.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  Towanda is tight as hell today and threw up my dinner, which is so odd since I was so loose.  So now I am swollen and drinking warm cocoa and later I hope to cram in a protein shake even though I hate them.

Normally I would be on top of the world tonight, but I am down in the dumps.  I know the endorphins will feel good tomorrow no matter what, but I don't want to go into the event in this frame of mind.

I really hate myself when I cry, but part of reconnecting with the universe through therapy means feeling pain, and not just empathy with TV characters (the only way I cried for the last couple of years for the most part). 

I am so raw, open.  I have all my supplies for tomorrow, I hope that I can get my shit together tonight and get ready for tomorrow, but right now I feel frozen, depressed even.  I am starting to cry again writing this stupid blog.  Why am I such an emotional IDIOT?

This week was a b---h.  Training was HARD.  Coming back from nothing to try to RUN at all is horrible.  I hurt all over. 

LOVE it, yes I do.  But hurt all over.  Trying to get up to 3 min run, 1 min walk intervals for the race Weds.  And the "real" race is Sep 26 so I don't have much time left!  It's so disappointing not to be better, further, faster.

I am not MAD or anything just feeling like this was so unfair.  I had surgery which totally improved my life and ability to jog but I am struggling just to run at all.  My lungs, my legs, all of me.  Sometimes I think I might die in the process. 

I know I just started back a week ago.  So what was I thinking??

My BFF has two blood disorders and is having an emergency ablasion on Tuesday because she can't stop bleeding post-miscarriage, she has four children, and will have no more.  Her mom had emergency cardiac surgery yesterday.  I thought my band slipped but it was just tight and it was a marvelous miracle to see her on the screen (Towanda) and see how she works.  I will NEVER again say I feel like I am doing this on my own.  She is a motherfucking amazing tool and deserves credit for what she has done for me.  What a blessing I will NEVER speak lightly or take her for granted again.

The hunger is back.  But when I logged my food in the dailyplate yesterday after eating a second "dinner" I was only at 87G protein and under 1500 cals, which for maintenance with 5K training is not an overage at all!  So I felt much better then.  Not that I want to go over 1500 yet, I would like to maintain around this weight, I love being 143, what a rush.  Love being a size 4 too.  It's the best to go from 22/24 to 4.  WOW and I am almost tall, 5'7" so it's a true miracle.  Many 4's are too short, which is also a rush, makes me feel tall and powerful.  Started strength training this week took forever for the pain to go away, not sure if that's part of the sudden onset of exhaustion I have felt, but I had my labs done on Weds and should have my results by Monday.

Taking sublingual B12 to help with energy though, we'll see how that works.  And double multi-vits, and double calcium.  Switched to citrate, dissolving and drinking like Gina (majormom) taught me!  I love her! Can't wait to post my labs and compare to Vitalady's recommendations, I have to go find those.  Michelle is THE expert on that.