littlewitch1973

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Well, with any luck, tomorrow I will be referred to a surgeon.

I havent weighed myself all week - Sunday was my last weigh in - 382.6, which is about where I need to be for them to schedule surgery. I know yesterday i felt VERY bloated, and I finally went to the bathroom today - that seems to make all the difference in the world!! 

I plan on weighing myself tomorrow, before I go - if I am any higher than my 382.6, I will know the surgery wont be scheduled, and I will probably leave crying... lol...

Today:

B - Fuzzy Naval Nectar Protein Shake
L - Unjury 1.5 scoops shake w. 6oz 2% milk, small Chili
SN - cookies (bad, I know, but the sugar makes me poo...)
D - Protein shake (chocolate whey)

Gym -
35 minutes on the ARC, 1+ mile
Abs and Back extensions - 60 reps at 65 pounds.

Overall, I know my calorie intake is a lot less than it ever was, and honestly, I'm not hungry. I sometimes have the sugar or grease to make myself go to the bathroom (apparently, protein constipates me) but overall, I am burning far more calories than I am taking in - I burn more in a day than I take in just in exercise alone,.... not counting the normal burning from just being up... lol...  

Cross your fingers for me for tomorrow!!!

Well, my son Noah came home Sunday... needless to say, I can actually FEEL my blood pressure is up!! I am retaining water, and have high blood pressure now, and know that this weeks appointment is going to be terrible. I guarantee I GAIN weight before my appointment.  

My mom just called me - she had some tests done thru Lifeline, and she has a blocked artery, and high cholesterol. She has to go to the hospital next week and have a bunch of tests done. Once those are done, she is going to have to have surgery to unblock the artery. She is on meds, and is seriously stressed...

I am so stressed about all of this... I dont know what I can do (nothing, I know) to make it all better. I need to figure out a way to make it not affect me though... I need to keep myself calm and proactive in my weight loss. 

Food and Excersize today:

30 minutes ARC
2 sets of 20 reps on both front and rear fly 
2 sets of 20 delta presses

B- Fuzzy Navel Protein shake
L - Unjury Protein shake and Cherry Jello
D - pork rib and macaroni salad
120 oz of water.... all day. 

This is my "normal" eating for the day, and I feel bloated... I feel like I have gained 10 pounds, and am retaining water. I know the water retention is because of stress and my blood pressure being up... I will do an all liquid diet tomorrow and see if that helps. If not, I may get some water pills this week to help it out. My BP being up is another stepping stone for surgery - it has to be down in order to get the surgery date. I feel like there are all of these blocks in my way - and I am fighting to get thru them all. 

I was planning on writing my "Bucket List" tonight... I just dont have it in me... maybe this weekend. 

I went to the gym today.... and worked out quite a bit. Every morning, I pack my clothes that I am going to wear that day, and go to the gym in workout clothes.

Today, I took my shower, and put on my clothes - this is a pair of pants, and a shirt that I havent worn in about a month. The pants are draggin on the floor, and the shirt used to be so tight, that when I sat down, my shirt was so tight I had to pull it up over my hips. Now, it is so loose I can sit and it is still loose! I have lost inches in my hips and waist, and am amazed at the way my clothes are fitting. 

I will be working out like a fiend tomorrow - I go to the doctor Wednesday morning, at 8am, and want to be sure I have lost enough weight to be scheduled for surgery!! 


Todays workout:

35 minutes ARC
Abs - 3 sets of 20 reps at 65 pounds
Back extensions = 3 sets of 20 reps at 65 pounds 
Elliptical - 15 minutes, at an incline of 10, and a resistance of 10

When i started at the gym a couple of months ago, I was able to do 20 minutes on the bike... and 1 set of 15 reps on the machines... look at me now!!

I actually ran up the stairs over the weekend to get something, and didnt get winded!! I was amazed, and can see how much stronger I am getting.... 

Well, it was my uncles wedding yesterday. I did okay, and managed to get my protein in first... meats, then veggies, then carbs. I skipped the cake and ice cream, and left a little early. :)

I went over my 1200 calories by only a little. When I got on the scale this morning, I was surprised that I am still at the same weight i was at yesterday! This means, IF my body can maintain / lose additional weight before Thursday, I AM AT GOAL TO BE SCHEDULED FOR SURGERY!!!!! 

I was shooting for 382 - made that goal, now I want  380 by Thursday - I bet I can lose 2.6 pounds by then!! I am going to the gym Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and my appointment is at 8am on Thursday. First thing in the morning! YAY!! 

I have to pick up my other son today from his fathers house - Noah has been there for over a month now, and my house has been "normal". It is going to be a huge struggle to have him back in the house, and I know my blood pressure is going to go back up again. I know he is a huge cause of my stress, and causes me to turn to food - just like my ex husband did... 

Noah is considered to be "disabled" with Bi Polar disorder, Aspergers, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. We have lived for countless years going to doctors, hospitals and emergency rooms. He has angery outbursts, he is verbally and physically abusive. His physical behaviors have stopped for the most part because we do not tolerate the BS from him at all. He is afraid of my boyfriend, which is good, considering a few years ago, after I threw my husband out of the house, Noah broke my hand and dislocated my thumb. 

 I am hoping he comes home with a better attitude, and a little more appreciation for what he has with us. Noah was with his father, who lives with several roommates, has no cable, and doesnt pay his bills. He moves every other month or so, and has no stability. Noah idolizes his father, and wants to be "just like him" when he grows up. My ex husband doesnt work, and has no interest in working - he is BiPolar, and schitzophrenic. He hears voices, and thinks "they" are out to get him... fortuately, he is stable at this point in time, but he goes off his meds every year, around November, and stays off them until around May... he disappears every year for at least those months, and usually, when he gets back on his meds, he takes me to court, saying I violated the visitation order. It has gotten to the point that the judge just throws the case out without me even having to be there... 

I am really hoping Noah comes back to appreciate us, and our home more. He can be such an angry child... 

Well, today is going to be interesting.

My 48 year old uncle is getting married for the first time today!! OMG - the self proclaimed forever bachelor... I am going to be amazed if he doesnt pass out during the ceremony! Lol... 

The real test is going to be at the reception. I have been eating already as if I have had the surgery - proteins, veggies, and no carbs (well, very limited in the amounts of good carbs). I have been using myfitnesspal.com to track my foods, exercise and stuff. I have myself on a 1200 calorie diet, and yesterday was the first time I have been able to get all 1200 calories in!! I average about 600-950 calories a day. I am exercising at the gym 5 days a week.

I am sitting at a table at the reception with a cousin who I used to be close to... I hardly speak to her anymore - she always puts people down to make herself look better. She is a mean person. I am going to try to stay as far away from her as possible, and avoid talking to her. I am sure she will be making snide rude comments all night, but I can walk away if need be, and will leave if she gets to be too terrible.

As for the food, they are serving family style - not sure what the meals are, but probably roast beef, chicken and fish... I will go for the meats and veggies - no potatoes or rolls. There will be cake, of course, but doesnt mean I have to have any!! Maybe I will give my piece to that mean cousin and tell her she looks like she needs it more than me!! (She weighs about 95lbs). 

Anyhow, I have to go and get my clothes washed and dried for this event.. lol... This should be interesting!! 

I have my next doctors appointment on Thursday morning.. if I have lost enough weight, I can be scheduled for surgery. I wsa told to lose the last 5 pounds - which, I think I have... their scale is off from mine by about a pound, i believe. According to mine, if i remember my weight right from the last time I was there, I have lost the 5 - but, if their scale is a pound off, I have only lost 4. I am going to do a complete liquid diet for the 2 days before my appointment, and spend extra time at the gym this week, just to make sure!!! Hopefully I can lose an extra pound or two doing that...  

Well, something has been bothering me for a few months now - usually, when I get these "feelings", I am right on target.

Mike and I have been together for 2.5 years now. We live together, and he helps me with my kids. He has 2 sons from previous marriages - Rob and Casey - I have never met them. NEVER. They live about an hour and a half away, and although he insists its not "me", I think it is. Originally, he said he needed to take things slow with them - he had cheated on his ex-wife and gotten caught. I could understand that, and said thats fine. Since then.... nothing. I never mention it (honestly, its easier not to) and he never brings it up.

He takes my van most weekends (his car broke down in March) to go visit them, essentially leaving me without a car. He doesnt come with me to most family gatherings - in fact, he has been to 1 or 2, at the most. I have absolutely no interaction with his sister, mother, father, or kids. 

We have a committed relationship, and have been thru a lot. 

Tonight, he is locked upstairs in the bedroom, not answering my IM's, and I'm not sure what to make of it. When he talks to his kids, its always outside, away from everyone. He never answers the phone if I'm in the room. He never calls them if I am there - he claims "I like my privacy".  I have seen pics of his kids (and how they have changed over the years) but also know how easily he could lie to me, and tell me he is going to see them, and he could go off and spend the weekend with someone else. 

Honestly, I am at the point that if he decided to be with someone else, that would be fine, but he has to be honest about it. He knows that is how I feel - I never say "those three little words" to him, and he knows I will never marry him - a discussion we have had - I went thru a terrible seperation and divorce from my ex husband (he is bi-polar and schitzophrenic) and am still dealing with the fall out from that. I will never marry again, and will not allow anyone to abuse me the way he did thru the years. 

   I guess i am confused. I dont want to be used as someone's emotional playtoy. I want an honest relationship. 

For the record - he lied to me once, and came clean about a month later - and it revolved around money and his ex wife. I dont care about him paying her bills (yes, I actually said that) because it keeps his kids here (rather than Florida). Maybe its my insecurities popping up. But then again, maybe its my intuition keeping me safe. 

   I will talk to him about it one of these nights. Just to ease my mind. 

 

Why do I always get those bottomless pit days in the week before my period?

It's only 10:30am, and I have already eaten:
1 ProGo Shake (20 oz protein)
1 Bowl fruit salad
21 Wheat thins, and 2 Laughing Cow cheeses

While I can see that I am making healthier choices, it still sucks!!  I have dinner planned for tonight - pork ribs, cesear salad, fruit salad, corn and cheese and garlic biscuits. I am making the positive changes, and have taken everything out of the house that is "dangerous" for me to have. The kids have gotten healthier, and happier. I am still losing weight - ever so slowly - about 1.5 pounds a week. I have to lose another 3 pounds by August 4th - that gives me 10 days, and 8 visits to the gym... using the ARC has seriously helped me kick the stall that I was going thru. I havent measured myself yet, and since I am retaining water, I plan on waiting until next weekend. That way, I will have lost the water weight and will feel better. 

I am working from home tomorrow, and dont have access to the gym - I will have to work out in other ways... lol...

Off to work on cleaning out the bedroom. 

Well, I finally went upstairs and cleaned out my closet... oh my goodness!!!!  I had SO MANY CLOTHES!!! In ALL Sizes!!! 

I organized by size - 5x for what I wear now... 4x in the same side of the closet, and dresser. 3x and 2x in the other side of the closet and dresser - I also seperated out my underwear the same way. I cant wait to go over to "the other side of the closet". I found a shirt that I wore before I had my 10 year old son!! I want to wear it again SO BAD!!! I love it! 

I also have a ton of clothes to donate (my style has changed quite drastically over the years) and tons to throw away - torn, stained, ruined... I will toss them. Unfortunately, I dont have room for everything I own anymore, so doing these things will help me in my journey. 

I have 2 papers to write, and am done wiht my Global Economics class - one more class (Strategic project management) and I will graduate. YAY!!! Better get to writing!

I have had several NSV's lately, and wanted to write them down, so I can remember how grateful I am to be in this process:

1. My entire hand can fit between my stomach and the steering wheel (my stomach used to push against the steering wheel).
2. I sit in my office chair, and my hips aren't hanging over the handles anymore.
3. I can step off of the shuttle bus without holding onto the railings for dear life - my legs are stronger everyday.
4. I can walk up the 2 flights of stairs to my bedroom at night without being AS winded as I was before.
5. Walking down a flight of stairs doesn't cause me to lose my breath.
6. Going to the gym everyday has increased my ability to move, bend and stretch.

This list is short, but I also haven't lost a lot of weight - just a lot of inches. I think my body is in shock right about now, lol, and is holding on to weight for dear life! It is also a week from that TOM for me - meaning I will retain about 4-5 pounds in water weight. I have my next follow up on August 4th, and have my cardiologist appt scheduled for the 22nd. I was also told to go in and get my pap done ASAP. I am going to call my Ob/Gyn and see if they can do it.

I am thinking about taking a day off next week, and going to get that done - that way, its out of the way, and I can focus on everything else. Maybe I will make that call now too... Okay - made that appointment too!! YAY! These are really the last 2 appointments / clearances I need before surgery. Since they are a day apart (Card on 22nd, Gyn on 23rd) I am going to see what the clinic says on August 4th - hopefully, they will schedule the surgery for early to mid September. I think I will feel better once I have a date. Right now, I feel like I am reaching for an impossible goal - one that is so far from my grasp, it's almost frustrating! 

August 4th is less than 2 weeks away  -now, how to lose 4 pounds in 2 weeks? hhhhmmmm.... I'm sure I can do it!! 

Well, I started my new workout routine this morning - all I can say is; WOW! I followed the routine just as I was told to - my arms are sore, my butt hurts, and so do my legs, but it was SO worth it! I could FEEL my muscles working, and worked up quite a sweat. I actually enjoy working out now - and seeing how much further I can push myself! How crazy is that???

This weekend, everyone will be gone - it will be my first weekend truly alone in years. Mike is going to visit his son, Courtney is going to spend the weekend at a friends house, Josh is going with my mom for his "special weekend" and Noah will still be with his dad. I have plans on cleaning my whole house, and also cleaning out my closets - that way, I know what I need to buy as I lose weight. I know I have many sized clothes in there, but need to get them boxed or binned up and labeled with the sizes, so I can switch comfortably into new sizes without a lot of stress. That will keep me focused, and not thinking about food.

I have to say, I didnt even eat breakfast this morning. I made a Click strawberry shake this morning when I got back to my desk, took one sip of it, and couldnt handle any more. My stomach felt "full" even though I only had 32 oz of water all day. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the Core exercises the trainer has pushed me to do. Makes my stomach not want food - just to be able to relax... lol...

I am feeling good these days - I know I am doing everything possible to lose my weight needed before surgerym and have the support system to help me after surgery. I have confidence I can do this, and be successful. I am ready for the next steps, and waking up my body has been a wonderful thing! I am losing inches, gaining muscle, and feeling better about my health! My CPAP is getting easier to use at night, and I am feeling more rested when I wake up. I dont get winded just walking up the stairs to my third floor bedroom at night. My balance and strength are getting better every day.

I will succeed.
I will achieve my goals.
I will.
Because I CAN.