littlewitch1973

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Well, I have a new routine, as of tomorrow -

10 minutes on Arms
15-30 minutes on the ARC
10 minutes on Core
20 minutes on the elliptical

According to my trainer, this should drop the weight I need to lose quickly over the next few weeks... I have lost 1 pound since my last doctors appointment and have 4 more to lose by August 4th. Using the elliptical for 40 minutes a day, and doing arm and core strength training wasnt enough... so, Brittney said we are going to step things up a little... move in different directions.

I tried the ARC today, and managed 5 minutes - After 30 minutes on the elliptical, and wanted to DIE... My ass hurts, and so do my arms (increased reps) and I dont weigh myself or do measurements again until Saturday or Sunday.... I am patient though!!  

Today has been a day of realizations…   First, I went to the gym, even though I didn’t want to – I was up half the night because the dog kept sleeping on my feet (she is a beagle, and loves to cuddle) so I was tired, lacking energy, and just all around lethargic. I went though, and although I didn’t keep my normal pace on the elliptical, I still did my work out (30 minutes).  I spent a little extra time on the ab and arm machines – thinking it would make me feel better to do something like that. It did… although I might hurt tomorrow, lol…   I took my shower at the gym, got dressed and came upstairs with my coffee (not my norm!) and protein shake. I went to the bathroom a little later, and as I walked out, I wiped the front of my shirt down in front, to make sure it was smoothed down – I realized, my stomach had moved! It was in more than it used to be! I was amazed! It finally hit home that yes, I am losing weight, and although the pounds might not be showing on the scale, my body has made changes!!   The other thing that happened, is my mother emailed me and told me she just got her blood work back – she has (very) high cholesterol, and her blood sugar was a little high. I was able to give her nutritional information to help her make changes for the  better – whether or not she follows my advice is up to her, but I realized just how much I know! I am feeling amazingly good today!   Last week, I realized I was able to get on and off the shuttle bus at work a lot easier, and no longer needed to hold onto the railing with a death grip – I am stronger now, and can hold myself up! It is an amazing accomplishment to me – I feel stronger, and know that I can do more now… even walking doesn’t tire me out as much as it used to! I can walk about 1.5 miles (around my neighborhood) before my legs start cramping up. I used to not be able to walk a half a mile without that problem!   I am financially broke and physically tired, but still feeling good – I realize I am making a good decision for myself, and I have no doubts today. I am reaching for my goals, and can’t wait for the next small victory!!  

I find myself reading the label of anything now, before I eat it. Even for things I buy the kids - I look at it, and if I think the portions arent feasible for them, or if the calorie count is too high, I dont buy it. They get angry, because the ice cream every night has come to an end, and the "unhealthy" snacks arent in the house anymore.  Carrot sticks, celery and peanut butter, fruits, salads, and 100 calorie snack packs have replaced the cookies, chips, ice creams and soda's that used to be here. There is bottled water at all times, and yes, it might be pricey (we go thru about 2 gallons a day in the summer, for a total cost of $3.00 per day, or $90 per month) but the rewards are there... they have more energy, and my youngest is losing weight - not that he is the one that needs to! He is a beanpole! Lol... he is 7 years old, and weighs 63 pounds - still in a size 6 pants... He is so active and loves to run around... he is amazing... lol...

   My 15 year old daughter just got on the scale the other day, and weighs 167 - that was my weight (well, 165) when i graduated high school. I wore a size 13, and was happy with my body. It "fit" me well. I had a talk with her last night about where she is headed - and told her she doesnt want to end up with my life (or, rather, my weight) in 20 years. She said "I will start Monday". Mike (my boyfriend) said to her "Why wait?" And he is right... why wait? She is a junk food junkie.. she loves sugar, caffiene, and salt. She can spend 20 dollars on junk food and not think twice about it... its as if she has no willpower. Boy, do i know that feeling!! I still struggle with food... Here is a perfect example. 

Friday night, we went to the local drive in to see the final Harry Potter - I picked my middle son Noah up from his dad's house, where he is spending the summer (Noah is disabled, and I needed the break - the stress was causing me to eat) to come with us. We made our own popcorn, and I brought junk food for the kids (BAD example, I know!!) candy bars (the mini's), cookies, and juiceboxes... Well, I ate 2 mini Milky Way bars, and some popcorn... I even bought myself an ice cream when the kids got their sno cones... I felt sick all night, and even though I wanted to beat myself up about it, I realized that yes, I had slipped, BUT, tomorrow is a new day. I had gotten all of my protein in that day, and all of my water (well, 150oz), and felt that since I havent had surgery yet, and dont have a date scheduled, I will not be able to have these things next summer at the drive in. I am not sabatoging myself... just enjoying myself a little. 

   I could have spent days beating myself up about what I had eaten, but instead, Saturday morning, I got up, made an egg and cheese omlet and cottage cheese for breakfast... normally, I have an Unjury Protein shake for both breakfast and lunch... and had a protein shake at about 2pm. I took the kids out for subs at the local deli for dinner, and got myself one - I couldnt finish it - normally, I would eat it anyhow - even though I was full, but I have been working really hard on listening to my body's cue's on when i am full, and when i am really hungry... (This is a HUGE accomplishment for me! I have spent many years being "numb") and actually stoped when I was full... 

   Living for years, in an abusive (verbally and emotionally) marriage with a mentally ill person made me "tune out" the world, and turn inward... I basically survived... I ate, even when I wasnt hungry, because I didnt want to fight with anyone. I cooked, cleaned, worked, and went to college, and didnt take care of myself because it was easier to hide. I have stopped doing all of that. The marriage is over - it has been for years (seperated for 3 years, divorced for over 6 months) and for the first time, I am in a healthy relationship. Mike has been a true blessing - we have been together for over 2 years, and he has been wonderful. He supports me in my quest to find "me" and knows I am working my ass off (quite literally!) to make this all happen... He is great with the kids (he has problems dealing with Noah, but 99% of the people in his life have problems dealing with him) and says he will drive them to school while I am in the hospital, and take care of them during that time, and I shouldnt worry... He steers the kids in healthier directions, and encourages me to go to the gym every day... He tells me I need to worry about ME first - the kids are old enough now that they can help each other out. 

   I am almost done with college - I graduate in September. I got an email from the college earlier this week, and they informed me that I was graduating "with honors". I was amazed, and read the email to Mike - he was impressed, and congratulated me... he said he always knew I was really smart, and is glad I am being recognized for it. It made me feel good. I told the kids last night, and they basically acted as if it was nothing, so I was right back to feeling a little unsure of myself - but I know I am doing good... and one day, they will appreciate that!! 

    Next weekend will be my weight in weekend (I shoot for once every 3 weeks now, until surgery) and my measurement weekend... the following weekend, I have my uncles wedding (He is 45, and getting married for the first time!!) on Saturday. THAT will be a test, but I think it will be okay. The test will be because my cousin will be there - her and I used to be really close - but she turned into someone I dont like... she is manipulative, and says mean things about other people to make herself look and feel better. She weighs about 90 pounds, and is always complaining about "how sick" she is.... she has done it for years, and does it for attention... she always has. My aunt and I dont speak to her, and only deal with her at family events. Since I am likely going to be stuck at a table with her, I am going to struggle a little with her snide comments. I plan on bringing my water bottle with me, and having a protein shake before we leave - I will be full, and not interested in eating.  I get very self consious around her - she makes me feel inadequate, and I dont like that. I am working on not allowing anyone to make me feel that way, but it is a hard thing to accomplish. 

I'm a work in progress....

    I am so frustrated. 

   I went to the doctor today - I only lost 2 pounds since my last visit. Ellen told me I am doing everything right - exercising right, eating right and sleeping right. She thinks I am in a stall - which I had figured out already, as soon as I saw my weight! She expects the weight to come off quickly in the next few weeks - which sounds great - BUT - what if it doesnt?

   What if I cant MAKE the weight come off?????

   What if I cant lose any more weight????

   This sucks. 

   I broke down and bought a scale - more vitamins, and more protein shakes... I am going to keep doing the protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, and eat my dinners as usual (dinners consist of meat a salad and a veggie) NO Carbs are in my diet at all these days, except those in my shakes!! This was the directive given to me by the PA. 

   I am going to track my weight a little more carefully at home, and keep recording my food in Fitday.com to be sure I am not taking in too much calories. 

   Since there is nothing new to report  - besides my frustration at this whole weight loss thing - I guess I will go do some homework. 

So I am feeling better today. Just made some scrambled eggs and sausage (sausage primarily for the kids when they wake up), and managed to keep it all down.

I was not able to get in all of the water I should have yesterday, and am dehydrated today - ugh! I hate that headachy feeling... I was barely able to get in 32 oz of water, but did manage 32 oz of G2 (Gatorade) to try to be sure I was hydrated. I can tell the difference though... low energy, blah feeling, headachy, and just woozy. I am going to take it easy today, do some homework, and relax. Tomorrow, I will hit the gym first thing in the morning... 35 minutes on the eliptical always makes me feel better. 

I am going to try to get out of the house earlier than normal tomorrow - this is a busy week. I have a few things going on at work this week that will demand some attention, and my doctor appointment on Thursday to see where we are. I contacted my insurance company, and they are sending me out a packet of info, and assigning me a nurse - I love BlueCross for this program! It is a great program - they have dieticians there that you can talk to, as well as a nurse that is assigned to your case and works with you thru the entire procedure. Working for them, I already know my benefits, and what is expected. I know my surgery will be approved (BMI + 40) and am just waiting on the doctor to send them the info. There is some info in the packet that I will have to fill out and send in, but I am ready to go!

My daughter (she is 15) knows what surgery I am having, and what it entails, and she is so excited. She wants to be able to go play tennis with me next summer, and go hiking... these are things I used to do all of the time, but cannot do them because of the weight. I can manage Wii tennis, and play that wiht my son quite a bit - aside from that, I am stuck - I cannot hike anymore - I get tired out too easily, and the trails I liked to hike are far to dangerous for me to hike at this weight. Tennis hurts - I have little balance right now, and am working on some Core exercises to hopefully help tone and strengthen me before surgery, but it is slow - I am using muscles that havent been used in years.... and I mean YEARS. 

My boyfriend has been wonderfully supportive, and I cant believe I am as lucky as I am to have him here. He has done amazing things for us, and continues every day. He pushes me to go to support group meetings, he helps me make healthier dinners for the kids and me, and gets upset when I say "Its my responsibility" for anything... he corrects me and says, "NO... Its OUR responsibility". Although I was married for almost 10 years, my ex husband never supported me doing anything for myself - he hated it if I went out after work, or did ANYTHING that he couldnt control. He made me feel bad for taking care of "me". I am grateful everyday that I made the decision to leave him. 

Okay, I guess I better get some homework done - I only have 8 more weeks of college and I will officially be a college graduate!! YAY!!! 

Well, I still dont have a surgery date, but have been going to the gym every day. I noticed about a week ago that my pants werent fitting that well anymore - one pair actually fell down while I was walking. I have been going to the gym everyday, and using the eliptical 4-5 days a week for 30-40 minutes a day... I also use some weights and do some upper body exercises. Keeping with the protein shakes for breakfast and lunch has helped me to keep going. To date, I have lost 7 inches from my waist!! WOW!!! 

I didnt realize I had lost that much.... I only lost 3 pounds in 2 weeks, but the inches lost just amazes me.

Today, I woke up with a stomach bug - I was supposed to go to the Athens Street Festival with my kids today, and do a bunch of walking around - I havent been able to venture much from the toilet though... my stomach is killing me - ugh! No walking for me today - except to and from the bathroom! Fortunately, the vomiting has stopped... I guess this is one way to lose weight! I have my next appointment with Ellen on Thursday morning this week - I am hoping for some good news, but am not holding my breath. I figure since I have only lost 3 pounds, I am not going to get a surgery date. I have 11 to lose (8 now) and expect to have to come back a few more times - hopefully, I have my surgery this year. If it gets too close to the holidays, I will postpone the surgery until after the new year - I have a lot to do around the holidays, and done need to have to worry about recovery time. 

I drank some gatorade today, but not much else. I did just get a little bread and butter and some leftover pasta in me... I had zero energy, and needed the carbs. I think I should be fine, and will have a few hours of walking tomorrow, if I can manage to keep things down... 

Going to watch a movie now... need to relax and get some more fluids in me....  

My boyfriend and I were talking the other day about my decision to do this. He is amazingly supportive. I have never been in a relationship with someone more supportive of my choices. He also calls me out when I get too upset about not losing "enough" weight for the surgery to be scheduled. He has encouraged me to go to group weekly, which I am. He is taking care of the kids for the extra 3 hours every Thursday. He asked me why I wanted to do the surgery. "List the reasons for me..." he said... LOL... I started talking, and 30 minutes later, he was like "Wow! I never knew you wanted to do those things, or that you couldnt do those things now!" I am going to list my "why's" here... as my way of keeping myself honest. 

To live longer
To make my kids proud of me
To be able to hike again (I was once an avid hiker - I would go for miles!)
Rock climbing (always wanted to try it!)
\To be able to do things like the Adirondack Extreme Zip line
Parasailing
Jet skiing
To be able to sit in a booth at a resturaunt
To run a marathon
Take country line dancing lessons
Take ballroom dancing lessons
To tie my sneakers in the middle again
To walk without being winded
To be stong enough to move furniture again
Bike riding (I miss this!!)
Kayaking (I used to canoe every summer)
Canoeing or rowboating... loved doing this!!
To not be in pain all of the time just from moving
To wear a dress, and look good in it!
Find clothes that fit and look good
To live a "normal" life - one made up of doing, not watching
To make a dearly departed friend proud of me
To be able to paint my bedroom without having to "rest" every 5 minutes
Take the dogs for a walk / run
Play tennis with my daughter
"Live" my life - not watch it happen around me.

The last one is the one that really gets to me. I want to live my life to the fullest... not just watch it s it happens.. I want to DO more, live a fuller life, and live every moment of it. I do not want to watch it go by me, and say "I wish I could do that"..... NO MORE... I WILL live every moment of my life - DOING what I want to do, as I can do it!! 

Time to go for my mile walk today, since I cant get to the gym.... 

Okay...

So, I went to the gym this morning for the first time in almost 3 years. I was able to do the bike for 20 minutes, at 11 miles an hour - made it 2.7 miles. I used to be able to do the bike for 30 minutes, and go 5-6 miles, and still have enough energy to do the eliptical for 30 minutes. I will work up to it! Thats for sure! 

So, back again tomorrow for more of the bike, weights, and more walking. I need to keep it going. I did weigh myself at the gym, and it looks like I'm down a pound since last weeks visit to the doctor. I will weigh myself again Thursday morning, and see where I am. I am hoping to be down a few more pounds!

I got my protein bars in the mail today, from My Bariatric Pantry - I got a sample bag - AWESOME!! Can't wait!! I will be bringing some of them to work with me! I also got a bunch of samples from Chike protein shakes. Cant wait to try them! Tomorrow, I have more protein bars arriving, and my new shaker bottles! Cant wait... I can mix my shakes at work for lunch again! YAY!!! 

I have stuff out for the gym tomorrow, and have my protein bars and snacks *cheese, sugar free pudding) out for tomorrow too. I need to plan ahead and prepare myself for my day.

I will certainly come back here on Thursday and record my weight!! I am off from work for 4 days, and will be walking a LOT on those days!! Walk walk walk... wii tennis is good too... maybe I can convince my daughter to play with me!! Lol....  

So, I need to lose more weight. Here is how my life starts as of today.

Protein shakes for breakfast and lunch.
Start C25K today with my daughter and son.
Monday - I have an appointment at 7:15 with a personal trainer at work - my job has a gym, and 3 personal trainers available at all times.  The plan is to work out with her for at least 45 minutes a day, then shower at work, and go up and work. I can also come down after work and workout again if I choose. 
Dinners will be a salad and a meat of some sort. I will continue like this until I have my surgery date scheduled. Once that is scheduled, I am still going to be going to the gym daily - it will only help me get healthy. I just may not need the PT every day to kick my ass... lol...

I bought heel inserts for my shoes to try and help with the heel spurs, so I will find out today how well they work! 

I am determined to make this happen. 

Mike has said he will drive the kids to and from school while I am out for my surgery - my mom will take Josh (the youngest) that week so he gets to school on time. So, now that everything is arranged, I have no reason not to work my ass off to get the surgery and get healthy. Getting healthy means a lot to me. I know its going to be a lot of hard work, but it will be SO worth it. In the end, it means I can do everything I want with my kids - take them hiking, climbing, run a marathon (in honor of a dear friend of mine!) . Most importantly, I can be healthy and do more. 


At my last appointment, Jean told me that 2 lbs wasnt good enough. I have two and a half weeks to lose more weight. My next appointment is with Ellen (who is fast-tracking me for surgery) and I hope to have at least 6 lbs gone by my appointment with her. Cross your fingers for me that my body cooperates!! 

Well, no surgery date for me. Jean Talbot told me since I only lost 1.6lbs in 2 weeks, I'm not doing enough, and I need to exercise more. I am frustrated, hurt and upset. Honestly, I dont eat - I have 2 protein shakes a day, and then a salad and a piece of chicken. WTF????

I hate the thought of her having this power over me. I have to go back again on July 14th and see Ellen. Ellen was the one who fast tracked me, and said I should be having surgery by the middle of summer. ..... Early September is more like fall if you ask me!! 

So, here is the plan. Effective on Monday, I will get up at 5:30am, make an egg and cheese omlet for breakfast, have some cottage cheese, and go to the gym for an hour. I will take a shower at work, get upstairs by 8am, work my usual shift, go back to the gym for 30 minutes, and come home. I will still be having a protein shake for lunch, but am going to eat only veggies and salads for dinner. I have another 15 lbs minimum to lose according to Jean, so I am going to do it in 3 weeks.

I figure by doing this method, I shoulid be able to lose at least that amount. Until then, I will continue doing what I am doing, and have been thinking about doing the C25K.... I have the app on my phone... No reason not to start.

I have to wait until Monday to start because I just got my CPAP machine tonight - Oscar told me it will take me at least 4 days to get used to it - That gives me the time to get used to it, and adjust my life.

Okay... time to get some homework done... only a couple more months left!!!