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I would definitely like to set up a get together.  I thought I'd wait a bit to get a few more members before setting things up.

Weight: 306
10/19/10

Well I'm officially 12 weeks out today, and down 54 pounds.  Phew, there was a lot of drama on the board yesterday and I'm rather upset about it.  I didn't even want to drag myself to the gym this morning because I was upset, but I'm planning on going at lunch time to do it because I really need to get my frustration out in a constructive way.

So yesterday I posted on a thread where a lady was struggling with carbs in her diet.  Personally I've done pretty well in that area, but my best friend is a total carb addict and I watch her struggle with that on a daily basis, so it's an issue that's near and dear to my heart.  I always try to be supportive of her, because I know criticism would not be helpful.

So I posted without reading any of the other posters and what they wrote, but somehow a few people thought I was talking about their responses specifically and got defensive.  I suppose I may have subconsciously picked up a few words like "tough love" as I was scrolling down to click the post button, but I didn't consciously read any of the other posters and respond to them.

This is the original post:
http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/VSG/4258485/Please-Help-Me/

Esssentially I said that I didn't think tough love was helpful and that I thought that we were tough enough on ourselves. I also said that I thought that giving up carbs was hard and basically screw anyone who said that it was easy.  I was speaking in general about people that tell you that if you "just eat less and exercise more, and don't eat cake, blah blah blah" and make it seem like it was easy.

Well DebbieJean thought I was speaking directly to her, because she wrote about giving the OP tough love.  At that point I realized she may have thought I was referring to her in my response.  However she was extremely rude in her response to me.

So I wrote her back and said hey I wasn't talking about you and tried to ignore the fact that she really bashed me even though it was a misunderstanding.  I told her that I still believe tough love isn't a good approach but that my response wasn't directed at her.

Well after three times of me telling her that my original post wasn't referring to her, and 3 times of her writing back some increasingly rude responses, I decided to write a post about essentially being nice to people and what I feel support is really about.

I know people have different opinions but I assumed that most people know that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, and most of us on OH can understand how bad it feels to be criticized.  So I thought that most people would agree that being nice is a great idea... WRONG.

For sharing my opinion, I was called Psycho, Nuts, a Newbie, told I don't know shit, bossy, condescending, arrogant, coddling, blowing sunshine up people's behinds, a diet cheater, a liar (about my education), whiny, annoying, I have a sick agenda, dissecting people's words, a post dictator, judgemental, critical, etc.

So I have decided not to post on the boards anymore.  I want positive support and encouragement, not drama.  I'll get professional support from someone who knows how to effectively help with empathy, stick with my friends that I have made here that I have seen as positive people and post on my blog to continue journaling my thoughts. 

I'm probably going to go into withdrawal just not posting on the boards, as I have found it very diverting thus far, but I'm actively going to try to back off.  I need to do this for my own mental health.

When I found myself this morning wanting to eat and not go and exercise, I knew that I needed to stay away from the boards.  I am thankful that very few people on OH know me IRL or even know my real name.  That way they can't go dig up pictures of me or find me on facebook so they have more crap to throw my way.

I am amazed that one poster actually dug through my old messages, found one where I shared that I am a certified nutritionist, and made it seem like I was lying about my Psychology degree.  As if it's impossible to have multiple degrees. I basically told her, what else is a smart fat geeky lady supposed to do with herself on a Saturday night? 

While others were going out partying, I was at home with my textbooks for company.  Is it so impossible to believe that I have multiple degrees in different fields?  She really wouldn't believe me if I told her about my computer science degree.

Since we don't agree about the topic, I must be too "stupid" to have that many degrees, because I'm stupid enough not to see her point of view.  Funny, I don't think she is stupid for not agreeing with me, but then I didn't resort to attacks on her personal character to make my point either.

In other news, I'm only 7 pounds away from being in the 200's and I'm very excited about that.  Of course I just started my cycle so I don't think the scale will be moving much this week.  Nowadays my hunger is a lot better compared to early on, but definitely my cravings still increase when I am hormonal.

Although I am down 82 pounds, not too many people have noticed yet.  I guess when you are still quite fat, being a little bit smaller is not that big of a deal.  But I've lost nearly 40% of the weight I need to lose before I get to goal, so I thought more people would notice.  Oh well.. pretty soon it will be more apparent... until then, head down and nose to the grindstone.

Weight: 310
10/11/10

I just realized it has been 4 weeks exactly since I posted to my blog.  My goal was to post weekly on my surgiversary date but I guess that is shot.  My feelings lately have been very ambivalent.  I'm grateful that the frequent hunger I was experiencing seems to have abated somewhat.

I still struggle with lots of fears that I won't make it to goal, I'll gain weight back, etc.  I've failed lots of times, and every time the scale doesn't move, I worry that I'm done losing.  I know that some people will think I worry too much, and others will relate to what I am writing.  My feelings are what they are.

I also struggle with feelings of envy which make me feel down when I see others losing faster than me.  I feel happy for them while at the same time I wish I could have their same results.  I've decided to do my best to sublimate those feelings, or divert them into positive directions.

For example I normally abhor competition, because someone always has to be the loser, and competing with others or feeling as if I can never measure up to others has always made me feel bad about myself.  I can't seem to avoid it on OH with all the tickers, so I am trying to divert my feelings of envy and competitiveness to a positive direction.

Now I am stepping up my own game and seeing how fast I can go and using those negative feelings to spur me into action in the gym and with my diet.  When I am working out or trying to stick to what I know I need to eat, I try to imagine how good it will feel to be more like one of those fast losers that I envy.

I imagine how much fun I can have updating my ticker and feeling proud of my accomplishments.  I'm adding the diversion of my negative feelings to some new weight loss tricks I have learned.  Some of these tricks I knew but didn't realize that the clinical results for following these tricks was so significant until I read some research papers recently. So far I've lost a pound a day for 3 days now following these tricks.

It may just be my chunky weight loss time (since I seem to follow a pattern of stall stall stall, lose lose lose) or it may be that the tricks really work. I certainly feel motivated to continue following them since I have seen some results on the scale so far.

I want to write down these tricks here because later if they continue to work I will definitely share them with others in a public post:

1) Working out on an empty stomach - I had heard this before but I didn't realize that the clinical research showed significant differences in speed of weight loss when following this tip.

2) After workout nutrients: Having a combination of cocoa, protein and calcium after a workout leads to faster weight loss (significant results clinically).

3) Green tea shown to double weight loss (36 oz needed per day).

4) Interval training - Brief bursts of intense training

Here is how I have combined the ideas above to fit into my own routine:

1) Workout first thing in the morning on an empty stomach.

2) Wait 45 minutes to an hour after working out first thing in the morning, then have a chocolate Isopure which provides cocoa, calcium and protein per above.

3) Drink green tea between meals.  Since I don't care for the taste of green tea much, I mix it with lemon ginger tea and a bit of stevia.

4) I work out on the elliptical for 20 mins in the morning currently.  I find the elliptical works well for me as it does not stress my joints and allows me to read while working out.  I work out for 4 minutes at medium intensity, then I do one minute where I peddle furiously for one minute.  I repeat this pattern four times during my 20 minute elliptical workout.  

My goal is to get to 30 minutes and increase intensity on the elliptical, but not necessarily time. I really can't afford to spend that much time in the gym, so it's important that I increase efficiency and intensity in the time I do spend in the gym.  Interval training helps with this.

Weight: 325
9/14/10

It's strange to me how weight seems to come off in a "chunky" fashion.  I'll go a whole week staying the same weight, then I have another week where I am losing a pound a day and lose a big "chunk" that week.

I finally joined a gym... it's been years since I went to the gym and I had to spend an hour in my car in the parking lot working up the nerve to go in.  My friend Becky gave me a nice pep talk about going in and doing my thing.

I found that the shoes I had for working out when I had lost a lot of weight in the past don't fit me.  So I had to do my workout in my athletic sandles.  I'm broke for another few weeks but after that I'll have to get some new workout shoes. 

7 weeks out and 35 pounds down from surgery.. that's averaging 5 pounds a week.  It's certainly not as much as some have lost, and it's hard not to compare myself to others, but I'm pretty happy with my progress.  If I kept up that pace I could lose 260 pounds in a year.  Although I know there's no way I will keep up that pace, it's nice to daydream about.

Added to the 28 pounds I lost pre-op, I've lost a total of 63 pounds.  Not too shabby in 3 months.  Tomorrow I'm going to Dr. C's support group meeting.  I hope he doesn't give me crap about my weight loss.  I'm doing the best that I can.

I know I could do better.. I struggle with grazing all day.  It's like since I can't eat a huge volume at one time, I make up for it by eating all day long.  Fortunately I still make good choices (lots of protein rich food) so I think that kind of offsets the grazing. 

I might eat 2oz of protein, then 2 hours later eat another 2 oz.. sometimes only an hour later honestly.  I can't wait to finish my waiting period for drinking to get my next mini-meal in.  I've been doing a little better with eating slower and that really helps some.  When I remember to drink tea between meals that helps too.

I am excited about exercising again, for now.. I hope that motivation lasts.  When I used to exercise a lot I was quite addicted to it.. would love to have that addiction again!  I'm already so much more active than I used to be.

This past weekend I took my son to Toys R Us and walked around for two hours straight helping him pick out toys for his birthday wishlist.  The old me would have been way too tired to do that.  I've been daydreaming about getting back into my old hobbies from my thinner days.. ballroom dancing and rollerblading.

In fact my son wants rollerskates for his birthday so that might be something we can do together. I still don't have high hopes that I will get to goal with this surgery, but I do feel that it is a very helpful tool that if I use it properly along with making good food  choices and exercise, I might have a chance.

At the very least if I can get below 200 that is worlds better than where I started from.  Even 100 pounds lost would make the surgery worth it for me, but I'd absolutely love to be under 200 pounds.. what a dream.  Well.. first I have to make it under 300. :)

Weight: 332
9/7/10

Last week was difficult for me as I was at a school conference all week.. 7 days of 12 hour long classes plus a 2 hour round trip commute.  Additionally it was a highly stressful conference so I maintained the same weight all week.

I ate the insides of the free sandwiches they gave out, and the meat was saltier than the meat I usually make when I cook fresh.  I didn't lose much of anything last week.  I did do a lot of walking on my lunch/dinner breaks. 

I'm glad to be back home and getting more sleep, having access to a kitchen to prepare my own fresh foods, being away from the stress, etc.  I was able to wear some clothes to the conference that I hadn't worn for a while, and noticed that I felt a lot better physically when going for walks, etc.  So that was definitely a positive.

I've noticed that I want to eat all the time now.. it's like since I can't eat volume like I used to, I now want to eat more frequently.  I'm trying to stick to eating mostly dense meat as I can only eat 2.5 ounces and then I'm full for a few hours. 

Even if I try to eat soft lunch meats or cheeses I can pack more of those in more frequently.  Yesterday I was able to eat about a cup of green beans with no problem.  But I couldn't eat more than 2.5 ounces of meat.

I'm still adjusting and trying to figure out what works for me as far as what foods cause me issues and when to stop.  Unfortunately I've had a few times where I ate too fast or too much (or both) and got sick and threw up.  

I'm so habituated to wolfing down my food I am having a hard time changing.  Frequently I feel bad that I don't lose as much as others and worry that I won't lose my weight.  Several days of no weight loss are disappointing, but I can't avoid the scale as this puts me in denial when I'm on the wrong track.

I just started classes again and it's a bit overwhelming.  I really want to join a gym again but I'm not yet sure how I'm going to juggle the gym with school.  Believe it or not my incisions are still healing quite a bit.  Two of my largest incisions are still recovering.

They don't seem to be infected - no smell, redness, etc. but have had some goo oozing out.  I put hydrogen peroxide on them, then covered them with large bandaids and some neosporin.  That seemed to help right away.  I feel like they should already be healed.. I wonder why I am such a slow healer.

Weight: 339
8/21/10

I started my TOM today... exactly 5 weeks (35 days) after my last cycle.  Yesterday I was totally craving sweets and just wanted to munch all day long.  I finally actually felt "full" on purees after eating a bunch of soft cheese and pudding. 

I was surprised how much it took to make me feel full.  I'm still hoping when I am on full solid foods I'll feel more restriction.  I think I ate two sugar free puddings, 4 pieces of laughing cow cheese, 2 babybel cheese pieces and an 1/8 a cup of chicken salad. *sigh*... I'm still a volume eater compared to other VSGers it seems.

My weight has stayed the same for a few days now... which is understandable since it's that time of the month.  I found that the pomegranate crystal lite seems to not give me problems, so I decided to try a few others in the hopes that I could have more variety. 

Grape gave me heartburn right away!  Luckily my family can drink them OK.  I've also been trying to drink warm tea between meals.  It does seem to be helping some with the hunger I feel.  

I was doing good with exercise but then I slacked off again.. it definitely isn't a habit yet.  I have however felt restless and wanted to go out much more often.  I already want to go out and do more things, even though I fear that physically I'm not ready for super long walks yet.

I'm trying to find activities to do that require walking, just not endless walking.  So for example I don't necessarily want to go somewhere where I'll have so much walking that I won't be able to do it and ruin other people's good times.

 

Weight: 339
8/19/10

I'm finally back and sleeping in my "real bed" instead of the guest bed, and finally no discomfort from my incisions! Yesterday was my birthday so it was a great present! I had  been feeling an uncomfortable "strained muscle" sensation trying to sleep in any position other than my back since surgery, so I slept in the recliner portion of my sofa since that's the only comfortable back sleeping position.

I was "fortunate" that I had no pain, nausea or difficulty drinking fluids since day one of my surgery.  Unfortunately I have had something that feels like "hunger".  I had an extensive discussion about this last night with my doctor because I've had a hunger sensation since day 3.  However I'm not truly sure it's hunger.. it may be too much acid or something else I am confusing with hunger.

All I know is that it's an increasingly uncomfortable sensation that originates in my midsection area and persists until I eat.  Then it goes away for a while after I eat and comes back 2-3 hours later. However my doctor does NOT think it's acid at all, but he doesn't have any suggestions as to what it could be.

I start solids next week and both my RD and doctor suspect that will help with the higher density foods and satiety.  He says that they remove a lot of the stomach portions that produce acid, but I still have my suspicions that the remaining portions are very efficient at producing it.

However in the absence of any practical/informed advice from the doctor/RD, I'm doing my own experimenting to see what helps.  Firstly I am stopping for a period of time all of the acidic foods I've been eating/drinking which include crystal lite (contains citric acid.. doing pure water instead and soothing herbal teas), lemon juice and tomato sauce/paste (which I add to my foods for flavoring).

I'll be taking prilosec in the morning/evening (instead of just morning) and drinking lots of warm tea between meals (another lovely poster recommended this trick).  I'll give those changes about five days, and see if they help.  If they don't help I'll be trying protonix (Sp?) which is supposed to be a really effective acid reducer and give that another few days to see how I feel.

Then I'll be able to start full solids and see if that makes a difference.  I want to give each change a chance so I can see what helps.. I hope to figure this out for myself but if I do I'd love to be able to pass on the "solution" that works for me to others. IF I can find one!

I was able to read my surgery notes that my doctor gave me last night.. I didn't understand most of it (it's all greek to me) but I was amazed when I read that the portion of my stomach that they removed was more than 20 inches wide!

I'm not sure if that is folded over or not but good lord that is huge!  It makes so much sense now why I was having so much trouble with volume.  I need to go through and translate the rest of the notes so I can understand the rest of it.

Weight: 339
8/17/10

I forgot to mention that I finally was able to sleep in my guest bed, at three weeks out.  Hopefully no more couch recliner for me!  My son was wanting to come out and sleep on the couch with me every night, lol.  There was still a little bit of discomfort in certain positions, but once I figured out what worked I was OK. 

I'm happy to report that BlueCopy was so right when she said that you eat so little, it helps you to instinctively learn to slow down your eating.  I still wouldn't call myself slow, but much better than I used to be and for that very reason.

Weight: 339
8/17/10

I was always against WLS until I heard about the VSG because at the time I had only heard of the RNY and the lapband, and knew about the complications inherent in those surgeries.  A few years ago I had lost 150 pounds and then several traumatic events put me in a depression and I gained back all 150 plus an additional 8.

I started trying to slow the weight gain, and even when I had lost all of the weight back except 10 pounds, I was still thinking that I could start going back down on my own.  I kept thinking at least I still kept off 10 pounds.

I stopped looking in the mirror, stopped going out, hid in the house, and stopped getting on the scale. My therapist watched me regain all my weight in a matter of a year or so.  She talked to me again about surgery, and it was only because she is a fantastic therapist and able to approach subjects with me the right way that I was able to even listen to her at all and not blow her off.

I still kept on contemplating going back to diet and exercise and freaking out about how it was going to take me another 3 years to get the weight I gained off and trying not to be depressed.  Well my therapist gave me (in December 2009) a little sticky yellow note paper with the lapsf.com website on it, with the words vertical gastrectomy written on it and the phone number and the recommendation of Dr. Jossart.

At the time I was over my head with things to do, but I promised her that once I got things straightened out in my life I would look into the information she gave me. I kept that sticky in my purse notebook for six months as a reminder of my promise.

After New Years 2010 I decided for my resolution I was going to do my best to dig myself out from under my long to-do list.  Although looking into that WLS information wasn't first on my list, I wanted to keep my promise to my therapist so it was still on the list.

So I worked hard for 4 months and got my to-do list pared down, then finally went to the website.  I started reading about the VSG on the lapsf.com website and I got really excited! Finally a WLS that didn't have tons of complications like the band, and no malabsorption, which I feel I did not need because I've always made good healthy food choices.. just huge portions.

I have always felt that my stomach has been greatly stretched out (confirmed by my surgeon Dr. Cirangle) and that it has hindered my ability to lose weight for many years.  I just had no idea there was anything that could help with that alone!  So I started reading more about the VSG and once I found out about it, I knew that this was finally a surgery I could feel comfortable having.

After that I right away made a consultation appointment for 5/26/10.  They stuck me with Dr. Cirangle who I had read was really great so I was OK with that, even though my therapist had recommended Dr. Jossart.  I went into my next therapy appointment proud and excited to tell my therapist that I had taken her advice and had a consult appointment!!

I told her that I was pretty overwhelmed with life but I wanted her to know that I was finally taking her advice, and I told her how excited I was to do the VSG, that I had already made up my mind that it was exactly what I wanted.  I had my surgery on 7/27/10 so between my consult and surgery date were 2 months of whirlwind activity.

I had to lose 20-30 pounds (ended up losing 28 - 21 of which were in the 3 weeks before surgery because initially I was slacking off on that), I had to secure loans, apply for credit cards, get lab tests done, read a gazillion OH posts to learn everything I could in the time I had, etc.

Now here I am 21 days out today, and 21 pounds down.  If it weren't for my therapist telling me about the VSG being an option, I'm not sure I would have had WLS at all.  Big thanks to my therapist!  Had I known about the VSG sooner, I'm not sure if I would have done it sooner.  

It's hard to know what would have happened, because by the time I had heard about the VSG I was totally ready for something to help me out.. I was just out of ideas!  I wish I had heard about it when I had only another 50-80 pounds to lose instead of 200 - 230 to lose.

But then I was doing so well with my weight loss then, that I might not have thought that I needed surgery.  All I know is that I've been miserable gaining the weight back and I'm so ready to have it come off again!

Weight: 345
8/10/10

My incisions are much better.. almost ready to sleep in my bed again instead of the recliner.  The hunger is  much more manageable but I still feel a sort of chemical hunger.

My stomach is full, my head doesn't really care if I eat more, but my body is still "craving".  I must have a lot of ghrelin working its way out of my system.  Maybe I need to do a Ghrelin Exorcism.. *out damn hormones, the power of VSG compells you!*

Had my first mushies.. chicken salad and baked ricotta.  I ate both relatively fast and felt my tummy relatively full, but didn't have any issues.  Sometimes I feel a tiny wave of nausea which recedes within a minute or two.  I was able to eat about 1/8 of a cup of chicken salad and 1/4 cup baked ricotta.

As of today I've lost 15 pounds since surgery but I haven't lost anything in 4 days or so.  I won't be one of those people posting on the board about it.. I've seen this is very common.  I can't help but be scared that this won't work for me though.  I hear stalls are common but now I understand why they scare folks.

In general I've felt a bit pessimistic about this all.. I've tried so many things and none of it seems to help so in general I've become so discouraged, that VSG was really a drastic thing for me.  So I can understand now why stalls scare people...  I'll have to keep reminding myself that this won't be forever (logically) and ignore my (emotional) fears.  

People still think I was on vacation the two weeks I was out at work.  I've told the few people who asked that I was out for medical reasons and have left it at that.  I am OK with my decision not to tell people but it feels weird.. I'm usually so open.  I just have to remind myself that I really don't want this to get around the office.