Disclosure: Can what you’re not saying harm others?

June 20, 2014

Hi, I’m Nikki: human, mother, student, writer, blogger and – probably most pertinent to you all – speaker at the 2014 Obesity Help Conference.  The title of my session is, “Awkard! Dealing with uncomfortable food situations and social settings after weight-loss surgery.” I’m currently planning this session and, heads up, it’s going to be fun and interactive.

So today I thought I’d talk about one particular awkward situation many of us face. I care a lot about it because how we react in this situation can have a real impact on ourselves and others.

Let’s go into this moment. You’re relatively new post-op. Maybe a few months out. Your weight loss is becoming noticeable. To add to that, you’ve been working out hard so you’re starting to get some muscle tone. One day a quiet, slightly shy co-worker (who is overweight themselves) approaches you and says, “You are really looking great these days. What have you been doing?”

Now some of us are the types who, when confronted with this question, have absolutely no problem sharing all about having weight loss surgery. We’d run down what type of surgery we had, who our surgeon was and all the benefits we feel we’ve gotten from the bariatric process.

And there are those of us who would not.

(Spoiler Alert) One of the things I plan to emphasize in my session is that any awkward situation has governing dynamics and that if you understand those dynamics you can get through anything with grace and tact. But in this particular situation, I’d also encourage you to think about what response will do the least amount of harm to the person who asked you! So let’s explore the dynamics of your situation.

In each situation there are assumptions we are making. It’s human and natural! In this case because our co-worker is a) overweight b) shy and c) overcame all that to ask you about your weight loss, you might assume that person desires to lose weight themselves. And you may be right.

But you also may be wrong! Which is where the whole “weight loss surgery sales pitch” could be damaging. Perhaps this person is shy, is overweight BUT, for whatever reason, does not necessarily desire to lose weight at this particular point in time (and, yes, that is a possibility). Launching into a pitch about the benefits of bariatrics could do one of a few things to that person:

1. It could instill insecurities in them that they either did not have or were not aware of before they approached you.
2. It could alienate them from talking to you when and if they do decide they want to lose weight.
3. At the base level, it could make them feel judged.

Now before you decide you should just keep your mouth shut about your surgery, there is another side to consider: either not saying anything at all or not telling the whole truth. These choices, too, have implications.

Not saying anything is probably just an insult to the person’s intelligence. You know you’ve lost weight. They know you’ve lost weight. Playing it off doesn’t make that fact any less true! Not telling the whole truth (which is the route I’ve heard many take) is equally dicey. Hear me out on this one.

If you say, “I’ve been eating less and exercising more” technically that is true. However, if your colleague is, in fact, looking to adopt a healthier lifestyle, your omission of the fact that you had surgery may set them up with unrealistic expectations about how fast or slow they should expect to lose weight. Because, bottom line, typically weight-loss surgery patients lose weight at a faster rate than those looking to lose weight without surgery.

Now I should stop here and say that technically you are also under no obligation to think about anyone else’s feelings. It’s the nicer thing to do but you certainly aren’t bound to do it.

So…what should your response be? I can’t say! That’s the thing. I can’t dictate your right thing to do but I can say this, it’s something you should think about. And while you’re thinking about it, consider these things:

• If you are open about your surgery and process, make sure the way you talk about it does not (inadvertently or otherwise) project any assumptions or judgments on others. In other words: don’t assume the path you took is the path everyone wants to or should take. Be informative, but try to avoid preaching!
• Also, if you choose to be open about your process, after you inform (not preach) it’s perfectly acceptable to let the asker know you are willing to answer questions if there are ever any.
• Finally, if you want to keep your surgery process private, that’s actually ok. You are not obligated to announce to the world that you had weight loss surgery! But, it might be good to emphasize to the asker (especially if you think they are asking from a place of wanting to lose weight themselves) how tough the process of losing weight is and how much of your life you’ve devoted to doing so (many of us have dieted/exercised for years).

Yes, this is a lot to think about. But it’s worth thinking about because how others have treated us in our lifetimes have had an impact on who we are today: our confidences, our insecurities and our willingness to connect with others. Think of how different we’d all be if people in our pasts had given this much thought to how to respect you? And isn’t that what we all want in the end, a little respect?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Nikki Massie is the author of Bariatric Foodie, a website and online community that encourages weight loss surgery patients to “play with their food.” She is the author of three books: The Bariatric Foodie Guide to Perfect Protein Shakes, The Bariatric Foodie Holiday Survival Guide and The Bariatric Foodie Breakfast Book. Nikki lives Maryland with her boyfriend, 2 daughters, adorable Basset Hound & slightly high-maintenance black cat. Read more articles by Nikki!

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