Boyfriend fighting me on learning about weight loss surgery

ELLA_C
on 9/25/20 1:35 pm

I'm new here and not ready to make any decisions on having surgery until I find out more about it, but I told my boyfriend that I am seriously looking into options and he flipped his gourd. Why would he react like that when it could be something good for me? I'm 5'4" and 279 lbs, 31 years old. He is 300 lbs and 6'1" so it isn't so obvious on him.

Any suggestions on how to approach him on this? We've been together 4 years.

Thanks to anyone..

Tekish
on 9/25/20 2:52 pm
On September 25, 2020 at 8:35 PM Pacific Time, ELLA_C wrote:

I'm new here and not ready to make any decisions on having surgery until I find out more about it, but I told my boyfriend that I am seriously looking into options and he flipped his gourd. Why would he react like that when it could be something good for me? I'm 5'4" and 279 lbs, 31 years old. He is 300 lbs and 6'1" so it isn't so obvious on him.

Any suggestions on how to approach him on this? We've been together 4 years.

Thanks to anyone..

Did you happen to ask him why he flipped out his gourd?

Seems like a good place to start.

Good luck,

Tek

ELLA_C
on 9/29/20 8:19 am

Tekish,

We haven't gotten that far, since I just mentioned it to him that I'm looking into it. As soon as I have researched more this week, we will be having that discussion for sure, and I hope to find that he will be supportive. Maybe he's just worried since he doesn't know much about it. I myself need much more information on the types of surgery and what might be best for me, so I'll be sure we both have the same information. From what I'm seeing, this is what I need to do. I've tried numerous diets and although they start out ok, after about a month in, many make me gag on cabbage or whatever else it is. Keto looks interesting, but I worry about the amount of fat consumed and how that can affect your heart. My family history with heart disease is not that great.

Thanks for the luck!

SuMari
on 9/25/20 3:44 pm

Agreed with Tek. Ask straight forward, to the point so there is no room for assumptions. Be prepared to respond with your "why" to entertain having surgery.

White Dove
on 9/25/20 4:59 pm

Most people think that surgery is just taking the easy way out. They think you should just diet and exercise. I bet a lot of your time together has to do with food and he is worried about losing his eating partner.

It is also common for the partner to think that you are going to lose weight, be more attractive to other men, and that you are going to abandon them. The emotional issues with this surgery are real and often need the help of a therapist.

While you are researching, read the book, Emotional First Aid After Weight Loss Surgery. It goes into all of these issues and gives you an idea of what other issues are likely to come up. Do a lot of research before making a decision that can drastically change your life forever.

For now, it is a good idea to do the research on your own and don't try to keep him involved. This board is a good place to come and ask us questions. We have members with many years of experience who have been through every issue that will come up and will be glad to help you.

Real life begins where your comfort zone ends

ELLA_C
on 9/29/20 8:45 am

White Dove,

This is all great information, and it's good to know there are veterans on here who are eager to help newbies. This is a big, big decision for me since I also will be paying cash.

I am researching every night for a few hours and plan to at some point discuss this further with my boyfriend once I feel confident that I know enough to be able to explain how it can be a good thing. These posts by everyone sure help!

Thank you

Liz WantsHealthForAll
on 9/26/20 5:17 am - Cape Cod, MA
VSG on 03/28/16

There are several potential reasons for this reaction, but they are mostly based on fear of loss. One is that the surgery will be dangerous: education can help. Weight Loss Surgery for a Dummies is a good book spelling out the facts. Another is the fear that they will lose you because you may become more attractive and not want to be with them anymore. Finally, there may be the fear that they themselves won't like the thinner you as some men like their women to be heavier.

Liz 5'3" HW: 219 SW: 185 GW: 125 LW: 113 Desired maintenance range: 120-123 CW: 120 (after losing 20 lb. regain)!

ELLA_C
on 9/29/20 8:58 am

Thank you, Liz. Everything you say makes sense especially since he knows nothing about weight loss surgery. I'll have to seriously consider his feelings and take this more slowly so he feels like I want him involved with me through it. We have a good relationship over the past four years and squabble like most couples, but nothing serious. I want to make sure this is just him having concerns about it being dangerous and not him feeling that I'm going to get all skinny and leave him. It may be a tough sell, but at some point it sounds like counseling could help, but it's a bit early I think for that.

I'll look into that book, thanks!

Liz WantsHealthForAll
on 9/29/20 3:25 pm - Cape Cod, MA
VSG on 03/28/16

Best of luck! I'm sure he will come around.

Liz 5'3" HW: 219 SW: 185 GW: 125 LW: 113 Desired maintenance range: 120-123 CW: 120 (after losing 20 lb. regain)!

PuggleDad
on 9/29/20 12:38 am

The statistics I've seen are pretty clear. In relationships where one person gets weight loss surgery, but the other does not, there is a higher rate of separation/divorce than in the general public. I had a girlfriend before surgery that did not support my decision, she was afraid I would become "better" than her and not want her. It became a huge issue for us. And if I am being honest, I truly do have a lot more options with dating now that I am healthy, and I also find myself having a harder time relating to bigger people because my lifestyle has changed so much.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is just afraid of losing you and being left behind.

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