Excited to be 11 weeks pregnant, but having problems with spouse (Long)

bernerbelle
on 10/23/14 11:25 am - IL

I was so excited to find out that I was pregnant, I did a jig in the bathroom. With all the problems pre-surgery (diabetes, adanomal tumor on the pituitary) I didn't think I would be able to have kids. In fact multiple doctors told me that chances were slim and as I got older they would get slimmer. Finding out that at 31 I was pregnant I was over the moon. I told my spouse of 8 years about it and he went to bed without saying anything, the next day when I asked him if he wanted to talk about it he told me there was nothing to talk about, that I should go to the doctor to make sure first. I had taken 4 pregnancy tests all positive. Well I went to the doctor and confirmed I am 11 weeks pregnant! His reaction was still not what I expected or wanted. He didn't want to talk about it at all. 

Recently he has found many reasons to pick fights over small things which turn into him screaming at me for extended periods of time. He calls me names and tells me I'm pathetic and selfi**** should be noted here, that for the last 7 months I have paid our rent and utilities as well as the groceries and other bills on my own. He has two kids from a previous relationship that he supports, but he doesn't contribute much at all to our life together. In fact when he takes them to dinner (with or without me) I end up paying for it. 

Once I was pregnant I guess I thought, maybe hoped, that he would be more compassionate and caring. That he would treat me a little better. No I didn't expect him to completely change, but show the respect and care that anyone would expect at anytime from a person they are spending their life with. Tonight was another blow up over something small and relatively insignificant. He was on his way home and going to pick up pizza, I knew he had sometime to wait while the pizza was being made so I called him. He answered the phone in an annoyed tone, first thing out of his mouth was "Yessss? What do you want??" This reaction to me calling hurt, this is not the first time he has reacted this way. I tried to pu**** off and told him I just thought I would call while he had time, but that I would talk to him when he got home. He could tell I was upset by how he reacted but said ok and hung up. When he got home he asked me what was wrong and I calmly told him that it hurt when he reacted annoyed that I had called him. He looked at me like I was insane told me to knock it off and drop the attitude. Which just made me feel worse. While serving up the pizza he decided that the best way to act was to ignore me.. until he yelled that he had done nothing wrong and I was the problem. I told him that how he acted was hurtful. He proceeded to spend the next hour screaming at me of how immature, pathetic and stupid I was. He told me I was a psychotic whack job, and that I was a piece of **** for getting mad that he didn't answer the phone how I wanted and that if I wasn't so selfish that maybe I wouldn't have ruined the whole night. I sat quietly on the couch and listened to him rant, I knew from past experiences that trying to talk to him in this state wouldn't get me anywhere. Shortly after his screaming session he left. 

 

I have told him in the past that I do not want to live my life with someone who cannot treat me with respect, and that I think he needs to work on his anger management. Now that I am pregnant I am afraid that it will not change. I don't think that any man should treat a woman (or vice versa) with screaming disrespectful demeaning words just to try to prove some point. 

I know with pregnancy that hormones go wild, but I think I had reacted calmly and tried my best to communicate being hurt by his actions. At this point I am not too sure what to do. 

 

If you made it this far.. Thanks for reading

 

Bernerbelle

 

Celia S.
on 10/24/14 10:07 pm - Grand Junction, CO

If it were me I would attempt to get him to go to marriage counseling just so that I knew that I had exhausted every resource to help before giving up on my marriage. You absolutely do NOT deserve to be treated like that. And if he treats you this bad, think how he will treat the baby that he's obviously less-than-thrilled about. If he won't agree to go to marriage counseling or if it doesn't help then my advice would be to get out ASAP and with a hurry! It won't be the easiest road to walk given how long you've been together and the fact that there is now a child involved but the longer you wait to leave he harder it will be to do. I left my husband last August after having been together nearly 7 years. It took one gigantic act for him to prove himself unfit as a partner or even a father and to get me to finally leave but I swept a lot of things under the rug and settled for being treated like dirt for a long time before that. I didn't see what I was worth. And until recently, after finding someone who treats me like a queen, I didn't realize how little I was settling for in my marriage all those years.

My prayers and love are with you as you make this tough decision.

MeliT
on 10/25/14 3:29 pm - Miami, FL

oh sweety.....so many many many red flags. and i think you see them. what i don't understand is why you put up with it. he's not gonna change. in fact a baby is ALOT of work and causes tons of stress even in solid marriages. celia is right, you DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. i say get out while you can. its scary but you have to think of whats best for you and the baby now. i would never be with ANYONE who talked to me that way. clearly he doesn't appreciate you or want to be with you. and if he loved you he wouldn't talk to you that way. thats not love. please know there's more out there. and you deserve to be happy with someone who truly loves you. that baby is an absolute blessing!! congrats! and maybe its just what you needed, that push to really make you change your situation. best of luck. we're here for ya if you need to talk.


 

civilmomma
on 10/29/14 7:07 am
VSG on 03/07/14

I probably wouldn't have tried to start a family with him given how he acted before the pregnancy - but you are in the situation now, so you need to make the best of it.  The way he treats you is unacceptable. He needs to be reminded that he was there for the baby making too - so it is his responsibility and he has a choice...be an active partner and parent - or you will do it on your own and he will be paying for a 3rd kid's child support.

You don't need to put yourself through his verbal abuse.

He needs counseling with you or on his own or you need to get out.

 

 

     ticker5'-8",HW 347,SW329,M1-25 M2-17 M3-11 M4-13 M5-14 pregnant-->

 

Britt_Bearpaw
on 11/2/14 1:08 am

If he refuses to get help for his temper and emotionally abusive ways-then for your sake and the baby's I would leave and never look back. He sounds very hateful. He sounds like an ex of mine sounded-turns out he was having an affair. Seems like he doesn't want a 3rd child support coming out of his checks and maybe he has been straying or thinking about leaving but now he resents you because of the baby and he doesnt want yet another child support payment. I don't mean to sound cruel, but you deserve much better. The baby will only be in the middle. The baby will only be yelled at and made to feel like a burden by a father like that. He obviously has issues. If he doesn't want to fix them and treat you better-than he can hit the road! You will find someone amazing one day. Choose happiness. 

Y D.
on 12/11/14 3:11 am
VSG on 01/19/15 with

where is all this anger coming from on his side? when did this start? were you actively TTC or was this a surprise? did he want more children? what does he do for a living?

from the story you told, it seems like your mere presence annoys (at best) and infuriates him (at worst)- that is not a relationship. does he want to continue the marriage?

if he's so miserable, and if you are too- thank the Lord for the blessing of a baby and start thinking about your new life without him. if you two can commit to make it work, no better time then now to work out deep seeded issues and work on getting the love back. when baby comes finances and sleep will be stretched even thinner, putting more stress on a weak relationship. if you stay, do everything you can to make it healthy for you and baby.

Alicia L.
on 12/21/14 7:54 am - Wichita, KS

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Did you and your spouse have an honest discussion about having children before you got pregnant? Is it possible that he didn't want any more children and since it looked like you weren't going to be able to get pregnant, he wasn't honest with you? Or, perhaps he's nervous because he has another child on the way, and he isn't able to contribute to the bills?

Either way, I agree with the previous posts that it might be a good idea to go to counseling. I wish you the best,  you're in for a fun, crazy, and exciting time! Find some friends and family that are excited for you and ready to be supportive (at least emotionally). You're going to need them!

    

Find me on facebook: facebook.com/shoppinggirl
I also routinely update my blog, www.memyselfandalicia.com
armyofficerwife40
on 1/12/15 12:32 pm

Congratulations! On your pregnancy. I can only say that I am sorry that you are going through this at what should be an exciting time. One thing I can say is that men express their emotions differently than women. I dealt with a lot of similar things from my husband as I made the decision to have the Gastric sleeve done. We have been married now for 13 years but I did not think our marriage would survive long after surgery one year ago. I was mentally preparing myself for divorce. What I found out over a course of time was not that my husband didn't love me or want to be married to me but that he was afraid of losing me. He allowed his insecurities to overtake his actions and words. If your husband is having problems taking care of his other kids maybe he has some underlying fears with this pregnancy and is not properly communicating that. I agree that you should not accept abuse of any kind, but please exhaust all avenues before you give up on your marriage. I went to counseling alone to work on myself and my marriage. Needless to say we are still happily married today and we are better than we have ever been before. We still have challenges but nothing we aren't able to talk about and work through. I wish you the best and pray that you find the guidance you need.

    
KattattaK
on 1/12/15 1:38 pm

In the words of Maya Angelou, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them". While we can't change others or control how people treat us, we are more than capable of controlling ourselves or our reactions to how we are treated. How you react speaks volumes! If this man has been treating you this way and all you've done is turn the other cheek, well, you have basically communicated to him that you are ok with such treatment, (even though I'm sure you aren't ok with him treating you this way). Allowing him to treat you in such a way has led to him having no respect for you, and the last thing you would want your unborn child to see is this man treating you in such a disrespectful manner and seeing you allowing yourself to be treated in such a way. Speak to your husband about counseling, whether together or each of you separately (yes, you may want to seek counseling as well to find out why you are allowing him to treat you badly). You are worth so much more than a man who snaps at you and puts you down. Reading this post stirs strong emotions in me; I was once in a bad relationship, an abusuve one. Although I was never physically abused, the emotional and verbal abuse was so bad that i often found myself wishing the man would just hit me. It has been 15 years and 4 months, and the emotional damage he did is still with me. I want to tell you to run for your life and get as far away from him as possible, because you are in a toxic relationship/marriage, but he is your husband, and you are in a marriage, and now a little precious life is on the way. If he ever treated you well, perhaps there is something worth fighting for? What does your gut tell you? Do you feel this man truly loves you and just needs some help? Do you see things shifting, changing for the better? For the worse? You have some serious soul searching to do (and some serious communicating with your husband). I truly wish you all the best and hope you are able to stay in your marriage, while realizing your self worth and having your husband realize it as well. Big Hugs!!!

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