I made a huge mistake yesterday. My coworker constantly brings in bagels and donuts, and I weakened and had an applesauce cake donut. Yes I ate the whole thing and was in misery for the rest of the night. It didn't set well with my ulcer and basically doubled me over in pain. I told my coworker to remind me of the pain in case I am ever tempted again.

I ended up drinking several protein waters to get my protein in. Ended up at 678 calories and 89g protein so I was good for the day.

Today there will be no extras.

QOTD: Windows looking out on the street and new construction across the street. The one window is not seal well so it always is cloudy. The apartments across the street now block the view of the west hills, so and the rest is a big maple tree blocking most of my view. But at least it is a window.

QOTD: My hair is almost to my waist, no bangs. It's wavy and does what it wants, the only time it's straight is after I see my hair dresser or I use my straightening brush,which I don't do often. I've always had a little wave in the back of my hair but I swear after radiation treatments it is much wavier. Knock on wood I haven't lost any more hair than usual since WLS. I had long hair until I was 25 and then cut it off, I didn't want to allow anyone to grab me by it again, and after my head was beat against the wall I lost a bunch of it and was very discouraged. About 11 years ago I read a book and there was a line in it " I used to believe my strength was in my hair" and it just hit me that I wanted long hair again.

Today I'm only up about 1.5 lbs, so I'm moving in the right direction and hopefully not stalled for long. Hard to imagine you can gain weight on 900 calories a day.

I was going to finally get my courage up to go to the gym and swim and discovered my swimsuit is 3 sizes too big, so I've ordered another one and it will be here this week. The other suits I have are too small, but I'll get there soon. I'm just going to suck it up and go to the gym, to hell with my social anxiety disorder. Swimming is one of my greatest pleasures, it soothes me and clears my mind.

Food has been good, making 75+ g of protein a day and about 900 calories a day.

I still hate my job and wonder how much the stress has contributed to my ulcer. I wish I could retire, but I can't get social security for at least 1 1/2 years or medicare for 4 1/2 years. My health insurance is too expensive and my current job does not offer benefits, holidays or vacation. And I really need a vacation. I've been looking for a new job, but I don't want to have to drive any farther. I have the best commute now only about 3 miles, and I like most of the people I work with. I just need to not let it get to me.

Congratulations! For me the gas pain in my neck and shoulders was the worst pain. It took me several days for it to go away, but it does.

Just walk and sip and take care of yourself.

Unfortunately losing weight and WLS can be very difficult on relationships. Remind her of why you had the surgery, that you are still here and moving towards your goal which I assume is a healthier you and a longer lifespan. It can be threatening to others, they fear by you changing that you will not need them any more. It really hurts to have someone you are depending on for support make you feel like you are crazy or endangering your life by your choice.

Talk about all of this, express your feelings in a non threatening way and I would suggest counseling. Don't let someone else, even your wife make you feel bad about your choices. You made them for the right reasons- to benefit your health.

We are all here for you! Take care of yourself.

Good luck tomorrow! You will be fine, so tomorrow will start the new chapter in your weight loss journey. Bon Voyage!

I hope so, the pain was not fun! But neither was the EGD.

Working today as I'm a contractor and if I don't work I don't get paid.

The only fireworks legal in Oregon are the ones that do not go into the air. But in Washington and on the Indian Reservations they sell everything so people just go there to buy them. My neighbors have been setting the big ones off for the last 2 nights. I hate the noise it triggers my PTSD. My cat is getting deaf so it doesn't bother him. I'm hoping they won't go until 1am this year as it is the middle of the week, but I don't count on it. Oh well I'll get some sleep tomorrow when I have my EGD.

I would recommend Charlotte Delbo "Auschwitz and After" I have several books written by women about their experiences in the Holocaust and this is the one I read and reread.

The Book Thief was amazing! I haven't seen the movie I'm usually disappointed by books that are made into movies.

No plans for the 4th, unfortunately I'm a contractor and don't get holidays or vacation. So if I don't work I don't get paid. I'm hoping the fireworks aren't too bad, annoying neighbors that keep going until well after midnight, with strictly illegal fireworks. I hate loud noises they trigger my PTSD, so since it's a weeknight I'm hoping it won't be too bad. If not I have some lunesta.

Menu's been pretty boring but I did manage to get in the additional protein per my NP's request. She's all about not losing lean body mass, and I'm with her.

Need to mow the lawn before it gets too hot. A trip to Costco this afternoon for more salmon to attempt another load of salmon jerky. I'll see my horse tomorrow and my best friend, my barn mom-she has 3 grown boys and wishes I were her daughter.

Had my 4 month check up and found out that the stomach/abdomen pain is an ulcer. So I'm back on the omeprazole and added carafate. Feeling some relief today. The pain started the day after I quit the omeprazole, so apparently I still need it. They also told me it probably isn't the food that is causing the nausea, so I'll have to try some things I eliminated.

The good news is I'm no longer MO now only obese.

They do want me to up my protein to 75g to prevent losing any lean body mass, and to up my workouts and lift some weights. I'm good with that.

I will try to up my shrimp to 3oz and see if I can get it all in. Add in another Premier Protein Clear at 20g protein. (Still can't stand the shakes)

But it's Friday and I work from home on Fridays and I have my counselor today, so it'll be a good day.

When I read "Appetites" by Caroline Knapp I realized that anorexia is just the flip side of obesity. They are the same struggle and search for control. If we become fixated on a number we lose perspective. When I lost weight before I swore I would kill myself if I gained a pound. Which of course I didn't do, and I was at 135lbs which for me was unmaintainable, at the time I was 5'7" tall and in my mid 30's. Now at 60 I've lost a couple of inches only 5'5" and my goal is 145.

In the past the longest I maintained weight loss was 5 years, and honestly I was OCD about food and working out, and overall not very happy. I don't want to go back to that space, I can't make myself fit in that mold anymore so I'm not going to try.

Today I have my 3 month follow up visit, although it's closer to 5 months with my surgeons office. I'm hoping they will be pleased with my progress.

I'm struggling with some stomach pain for the last 3 days and hoping they can tell me what's going on.

My BFF was on high doses of morphine due to nerve pain from an accident where he wa**** by a drunk driver. His doctor cut his dosage to the point where he had withdrawal symptoms, nausea, vomiting, sweating etc. he went to the ER and they did not figure out that is what was going on. They suspected the flu go figure. The two of us figured it out. They don't care about people with chronic pain, it's a one size fits all fix to just cut the meds without understanding the consequences. I honestly believe congress has no business interfering between a doctor and patient. Not to say there aren't too many opioids prescribed, but they need to look at each person individually not a blanket fix.

Personally I don't get it all opioids make me sick, so I have zero interest in them.