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Well surgery is in just a few days - Tuesday to  be precise. Tonight I had pizza from pizza hut. I just keep thinking about all the foods I cannot have after the band and I have goodbye's to say first. Tomorrow is Sunday and I have billing for the past month to catch up on so that it's all done before Tuesday and people can survive at the office without me.

Going to bed early tonight. I'm happy and content. What will be will be.

I posted this on the board because I was questioning whether or not I had the willpower to make the band work.

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/LapBand/a,messageboard/action,replies/board_id,5359/cat_id,4959/topic_id,3474419/

The eating continues. I started off this morning by having 2 sausage egg & cheese bagels. Then decided pre-dinner to have a bacon cheeseburger at Outback. 

Tonight we will go grocery shopping for vitamin water and tons of protein shakes. Then Sat & Sun will liquid fast. And Monday will only drink my vitamin waters, as prescribed by my surgeon.

Will also walk and exercise a lot this weekend to help lose whatever weight I gained over the past 4 days.

I don't care what people chagrin me on the board for this. It is my life and it's my responsibility and I will deal with the consequences. But I know myself and this is something I HAVE TO DO! Maybe I'll just keep it to myself and here in my blog. I don't need extra stress of feeling like people are labeling me a failure.

Well I just had a breakdown and was ready to call the surgeon tomorrow and switch to the RNY because I don't know if i can take all these rules and restrictions or should i say lack of restriction?

i've been reading nonstop on these boards for the past 10 days about how hard it is the first six months after being banded due to no restriction. and after struggling so for the last 10 days on this preop crap i just don't feel like i can do this anymore.

tomorrow night i want that bacon cheeseburger from outback! once i get that surgery no more of the good stuffs for me. it's a sad thing and i need one more goodbye.

someone posted tonight and told me that they didn't have to do a preop diet, just 48 hours of fasting and to lose about 10lbs. well i lost 13lbs. and if i fast for 72 hrs prior to surgery i'm sure i can lose a few more.

i'm kinda tired out from all this bargaining and i think it's cruel to put us through this without any backup or help in not eating.

Well I don't know what happened but hunger hit bigtime tonight. First I had 2 creamy chicken soups. then  popcorn. then i had a tuna melt sandwich. nothing compared to what i used to eat but i'm supposed to be fasting!!!!!

what does this mean for me? Is it a sign i'll fail at the band? will i end up having to have an open procedure because of this?

and tomorrow night my husband is taking me out to dinner since my surgery is on tuesday. well he goes out to dinner mon wed and fri so he was going anyway and i want to go with him. i'm already thinking about having outback's bacon cheeseburger.

how can i go from a steely discipline to none at all?

i'm still not smoking at least.

Well, I did in fact go to Legal Seafood for my bday with my mom. She is so evil. She tried to get me to eat bread. but i had the lite clam chowder which was in a bisque. swallowed the tiny bits of clam. was going to stop there but she kept insisting i have LUNCH. what a bitch she is. anyway i gave in and had a lobster caeser, didn't eat any croutons though.

next day was work and drug reps came by. one brought me lobster bisque with bits of lobster in it. that hit the spot i was feeling so weak and burnt out at that point. for dinner they took me for my bday to lobster chops and i got lobster bisque again with lobster in it and then i went nuts. i ordered a veal chop PORTERHOUSE!!! i figured i would NEVER be able to eat that after the band, so one last time for a porterhouse for me. my stomach didn't get upset at all. no cramping nothing.

so now i have five days left of this liquid preop. the hard thing are the protein shakes. if i drank those i wouldn't have so much trouble going with clear liquids only. but i hate shakes, i hate artificial sweetener. i hate sweet things period. and all these drinks are so saccharine sweet it kills me. i even tried ordering the clear protein drinks and those taste like yucky cough syrup with nutrasweet and egg whites. EWWW!!!!

But i have five good days left and some people only have five days of liquid prior to surgery so i can make a  great go of it. i'll keep trying to drink the drinks, cuz i know that the more of them i drink the less hungry i will be.

i don't really feel guilty because like my husband said, if i was able to go 2 weeks without eating ANYTHING, why would i even need the band? i could do it on my own.

i'm hoping after surgery to have a prolonged period of not wanting to eat. as i'll have to go through the same period of no eating. and hoping i can not go overboard like i want to when i haven't eaten in so long and then finally do eat. haven't you seen survivor? look what they eat when given a chance.

if i can just get to the mushie phase 2 weeks out from surgery i'll be fine.

then once i get restriction it'll be a whole new world trying to slow down my eating and actually chewing til it's so tiny without accidently swallowing, like i frequently do now.

Had a mini breakdown last night. Probably from only getting like 400 calories a day in and also having my period start today. I couldn't live off these clear protein shots, nasty tasting too. Tastes like the worst cough syrup and throw in some egg whites. nice and slimey.

anyway last night we had our weekly biz dinner and i finally caved and got a kid's dish of mac and cheese. the cheese was really really soupy so hubby joked that i was still on a liquid diet. :)

anyway i was afraid i'd ruined everything so i weighed when i got up this morning. down another 6 lbs in 2 days!!!! that's a total of 13lbs lost in 4 days!!!!! WOWsa!!!

so that gives me the motivation to continue on. tuesday is my bday and the pharma reps are coming by with gifts (normally candy and cookies - which i hate anyway). so now they are taking me to lobster chops for lobster bisque which is a nice clear sorta soup with nothing in it but liquid. really looking forward to that for my bday. my mom wants to take me out to lunch too on my bday so i figured legal seafood has a nice lobster salad. so i'm going to allow myself that or maybe i'll just get the clam chowder and strain the potatoes out.

anyway, i have got to be creative since my business revolves around eating out 3x's a week and dinners all lined up til my surgery. it's just not good business to go and sit there and not eat a thing. and the restaurants these reps take us to don't have broths in the kitchen so . . . i'm obviously doing ok since i lost 13lbs in 4 days so i'll just keep doing the best i can for my business and my health.

talk more later.

Well today I went for my preop with the anesthesiologist and the surgeon. I found out that the 'liquid diet' was only protein drinks 3x's a day and broth in between. Funny thing is that yesterday I struggled more eating creamy soups than I did today with just the protein drinks. I only needed one cup of broth in between. Course I did come home and sleep for about 6 hours. hehe

I have to go see my pcp tomorrow, not at Cleveland Clinic. I'm almost positive he's going to give me trouble. he always gives me trouble with this WLS thing and it's a suprise considering for 3 years he has told me how fat i am and how much i need to lose weight. he just says have a spine do it on your own. why do you need surgery? i really can't stand him but with my sarcoidosis i kinda have to go to the person who knows my history and he is close by. but if he gives me trouble tomorrow i'm going to just get a pcp at cleveland clinic and be done with it.

i called today to set the appt and he got on the phone and was all excited saying he got a hellavu list of things for me to do and he would absolutely NOT clear me til I did all the tests. Well when I told him that in two short weeks i did every single test, he said well unless i see them for myself i can't clear you. as if the specialists who cleared me weren't as good as him. so i had CC fax him my records and i'm bringing along all the test results. i don't have the letters of clearance or proof that i went to the nutrition class, got a psych eval and letter of clearance, and that i did the initial seminar and psych seminar. if he picks at those and refuses to clear me i'm just going to say fine and leave.

my appt is at 10:30 tomorrow so i'll let you know how it went. i just know that i'm going to be calling cc afterwards to schedule with them. but i'm giving my pcp one last chance to do something decent.

on a separate note, this coming tuesday will be 7 days from surgery and will also be my bday, 36 y/o. i think this is the best thing i've done for myself for my bday.

quitting smoking and quitting eating at the same time, everyone said would be hard but it's actually easier. cuz instead of sitting around and thinking about wanting a cig i'm sitting around thinking of wanting to eat and totally forget the lack of a cig except from time to time because i'm dreaming of juicy cheddar & bacon outback burgers. OMG! maybe it's time for more broth. hehe

see ya tomorrow.

I started my liquid fasting. First drink I'm trying is Zoic. It tastes ok. doesn't taste bad, tastes really watery. i got creamy chicken soup too and chicken noodle but it's the kind of soup you sip on so i can filter out the pasta noodles. looking forward to trying it out.

Last night I had my last meal. it was at outback. i had lobster crab cakes and their bacon cheeseburger. everything was fantastic as it should be for the last meal.

Now I go in for a preop visit with Dr. Szomstein and meet with the anesthesiologist on thursday. and need one last visit with my pcp to do a history and physical. when i was going to do surgery with the other place that required you get your own doctors for clearances. they also required my pcp refer me for the surgery and he refused. so hopefully he can do a simple medical clearance. if not i'll just get a cleveland clinic pcp to do it.

i'm thinking of going to gnc later and seeing what is available there in the way of protein shakes. i can't forsee that getting 70g of protein a day will be a problem.

*trumpets blast*
. . . .
So my surgery is in 15 days. It'll  be the 18th of December!!!
Time to fast. WOOHOO!!!!