alwayz_smilin2587

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

This is day 4 of my liquid diet and I am going strong. BUT I know at some point.... and it may not be for a month or so....but at some point I'm going to come emotionally break. Food has comforted me through everyhing: Boredom, heartbreak, happiness, social settings, anxiety etc. Today I thought about how good I am doing on this liquid diet but at the same time how good all the bad foods sound. How amazing it would feel to eat a cookie or to eat cheesey bread or fajitas or nachos. I also remember how guilty I would sometimes feel after eating that stuff. Some days I wouldnt feel guilty because I had become pretty good at hiding the guilty emotion. 

I'm glad I'm getting a therapist because I know I'm going to need emotional help. This year has really made me realize how addicted to eating I really am. For every emotion I have eating is involved. It's really sad. I'm just glad I'm on here and I'm stepping forward to fix it. 

My heath is most important and I so badly want to get outa of this body that's consuming who I really am. 

I'm ready to continue going strong and work through each day one at a time to make it through this roller coaster! :) 

  April 16th is my surgery date!!!! For the longest time it felt like a dream! This last  year of my life my thoughts were consumed with "When I have surgery ...." NOW it's happening and no longer surreal! They were able to get me in right away! I am giving myself the weekend to enjoy myself out on the boat and go out with friend but Monday I start my liquid diet and will work out! 

My promise to myself and to my OH family: 

I promise to only eat the things on my list that the surgeon gave me today and to not go over my calorie limit of 800/day. I will be committed to this liquid diet 100%. This is my committment to changing my life style. This is a permanent journey that wont end. 

We can all do this together! I can't wait to share the rest of my permanent journey with all of you! :) 

All of my life I have been told: 

"You have such a pretty face!" 
"When you lose that weight you'll be a model!" 
"My husband thinks you are just so pretty and could be a model if you lost weight!" 
"I hope you take this as a compliment, but when you lose weight you are going to be so HOT!"
"Your face is so gorgeous!"  


Well what's wrong with me now? Why can't i just be referred to as the "pretty girl!" not the girl with the pretty "Face"!!! I'm so excited to move past that. I do take it as a compliment but it's a bittersweet compliment.

I cannot wait until next thursday. It's my last surgeon consultation and he will give me a surgery date and to the pre-op tests. Hurry up next thursday! 

This morning I recieved the phone call that my surgery was APPROVED! Wow! This is a little surreal! Reality is starting to set in and this is going to happen really quickly. My final consult with my surgeon will be the week after next and then I'll begin my liquid diet and surgery will be very soon after that! I'm looking  at the first week of April probably for surgery! 

I've had dreams about someone walking up to me and paying for surgery....I've had dreams someone in my family would just co-sign for me. But after a long year 1/2 and switching careers to a company who has amazing insurance.....You can definitely say things happen for a reason. It may take 8ths-a year before you can get approved but when an insurance company pays 90% of a 26,000$ surgery....I cant complain! 

Wow. I'm nervous but I know this is going to be the best decision i've made for myself in my entire life. To get healthy and truly live. :) Wow. That's about all I can say!

Just brainstorming some things I want to do this year after I drop some weight!

- ziplines
- wear cute summer/fall dresses
- wear heels
- wear leggings with cute shirts and flats
- feel comfortable in a swim suit
- go parasailing
- start jogging


I'll continue the list as things come to me ..... 

 I had my last Dr appointment with the primary doctor and my nurse coordinator sent in my paperwork to the insurance! Now I wait! After they approve it....BECAUSE THEY WILL....then I get my surgery date! All of my other appointments are done with. Now I just wait! :) 

 Well I didn't expect to get hit with temptation the day after I decide not to drink or go out. My friend sent me a text saying her and a friend were going to the bar to hang out and socialize and she wanted me to come. I responded to her saying I really didnt want to go to bars anymore, at least for quite a while, until I got through a lot of my emotions. Her response to me was "You can go to the bar and not drink." It frustrated me that a good friend of mine would be that inconsiderate. I explained it's too tempting for me. I like having drinks and loosening up and relaxing. I can't go to the bar right now and not drink. I haven't proactively taken control of my stress and started managing it, so for me to go to a bar would be stupid. Rather than understanding and being polite about it, she just didn't respond back. -oh well.

I'm making this change for me, no one else. I don't owe anyone an excuse or explanation of why. I'm making decisions that are best for me now and I'm not really going to care about what others think. I have to take control for once and do something for myself. I deserve this and I will make it happen. 


*****I'm excited to be a part of this site. I look forward to writing in here now and feel like I have a release! It's a good feeling! A big thanks to everyone!

I went to the seminar today. It was a reality check. I'm in the preparation state and I really need to be moving further along to the action stage. It's not just food that I will be feeling a loss for. It's going out, karaoke, cocktails, the friends I usually just mingle with in that specific setting because they are fun.... All of those things will be on hold. I think I need to break these emotions down. 

Friends in social settings: Most of my really good friends I see outside of the bar and going out scene of course. But there are a few people that I genuinely care about whom I usually just see out in social settings and have a good time with. Most of them will be very understanding to why I don't make it out any more. Some of them will be bummed out because I do bring joy and a lot of laughter to the group. But I won't be absent forever. 

Karaoke: I love karaoking! But unfortunately I seem to have a shaky voice unless I have a few drinks in me or I'm driving in my car haha. I must not be in a setting where I'm tempted to consume alcohol. So this setting is something that will have to be on pause for right now until further notice. 

Cocktails: Where do I begin...I love going out with my friends, being in social settings and having fun! I have more courage to be the out going self that I really am inside when I've had a few to drink. I'm more outgoing, silly, loud, and fun. I think a lot of people who are self conscious can relate to this. You just feel more brave and don't seem to care as much once you've had a few drinks. This cannot be an option for me while I go through the feelings and emotions of parting with food comfort because I know that I will just pick up a new addiction. I'm glad that I'm aware up front and it's something I can be proactive about and seek counseling for in advance before my surgery.

Last but not least.....Food:  I want to cry thinking about the relationship that food and I have.  I want food when I'm happy. I want food when I'm sad. I want food when I'm angry. I want food when I'm bored. I want food when I'm really technically probably thirsty, but I choose food instead and then pile a diet soda on top. When I'm sad I crave chocolate and ice cream or warm baked cookies. When I'm happy I want to celebrate and go out with friends to eat at not so healthy places and of course throw in a beer or two. I've been on almost every diet plan, taken almost every pill, done almost every shake you can think of.....I'm really good at sticking to something until I lose about 30 lbs....and then if I plateaued or got sick of it...the will power left me and I abandoned it.  I want to cry thinking about the relationship that food and I have. It's so complex and I'm not sure where to even start on letting go of that comfort. I'm not sure where to even begin dealing with these emotions. Now what am I going to do when I'm happy or sad or bored?????? I guess the answer is this. I'm going to have to write and talk my self through it. I'm going to have to find distractions every day to get through not wanting food. I don't know what it's like not to eat when I'm bored or happy or sad....my parents had a restaurant when I was young and I started this bad habbit way back then. Down home cooking....good stuff. I'm going to need to journal and have a counselor that I can talk to on a regular basis or reach out to all of you and have people who really understand what it's like help me through it. 

Don't get me wrong I'm very excited and 100% ready to have the Sleeve surgery. I just haven't faced the reality on paper yet. I havent sat down and talked to myself about my feelings. I look forward to doing this more! My surgery should be in the latter part of March. I won't have a specific date for a couple more weeks or so! I'm very anxious!