Trapped by Food

Dec 13, 2009

My eating is out of control.  I've gained 30lbs in just over a year.  It breaks my heart that I'm headed back into the place I was before surgery.  I thought surgery was the fix but it was just another band aid.  My emotions are soothed by food and I just feel like I can't stop.  I don't want to get back to that place where I feel trapped by my body.  I know it's not healthy to eat this way.  I just can't stop.  I want to get my brain back on track.  At this point it's about how I think.  I know I'm bored, lonely, sad, angry and all these intense feelings are what is standing in my way of not giving up the food as comfort.  Time for some new changes.

I feel so broken and I keep trying to fix me with food.  I feel trapped by food and starting to feel trapped by my body and thoughts.  The thoughts of food consume every moment of every day for me lately.  I think about what how and when I will eat from the moment I get up to the moment I go to sleep.  It's almost like I think about nothing else.  It is tiresome to live this way.  I truly believed that my surgery was the key but I've learned its not going to work if my brain isn't on board with everything.

I'm in therapy for food and life.  I meet with the dietitian.  I try to exercise as least 3 times a week.  I'm taking the steps but I just don't feel like I'm making progress and when I do its like 2 steps forward 3 steps back. 

Someone once said to me "no food tastes as good as thin feels" to me food is everything and it does feel better to me then thin.  Don't get me wrong thin feels good but to me food tastes better.

I know the rules, I know how to eat right, but yet my brain keeps over riding all my knowledge and sending me to a place where I overeat and eat the foods I know I should limit.

I have to say that I feel like a failure and though I know it took me more than 3 years to put all the weight on and I should be kinder to myself and know that even if it takes 10 years to take it off I'm ahead of the game.  But the fact that I've gained so much in such a short time scares me.

On the intellectual level I'm doing things right but in the moment I'm trapped by food and thoughts of food.  I will get through this.  I will find that place where I'm losing again but right now in this moment I am struggling BAD.

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