AmyDee123

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My stall is officially broken!   I'm not bouncing the same 2 pounds around!   I'm officially 337 and shouldn't see the 30th again.   This is great motivation for the liquid diet.   Thank you God!  I was beginning to feel like I was never going to see the scale move no matter what I did. 

Of course, I have an approval sitting on someone's desk and they are too busy to assign a number to it to give to my surgeon.  Because they are not going to do that today in time for my surgeon's office they are not going to do my surgery June 12.  This means it has to be the 19th, which completely screws up all of my plans with the kids and north carolina and the month of june and july.  Dammit.  

My husband is sedated after a procedure this morning.  He sounds like a doped up hippie "Its cool, its alright.  It will happen.  Just chill."  I just want to look at him and scream NO IT WON'T!  I just want to get this done with and be moving forward!  I am going to start the shake only diet just in case on Monday they can schedule me still for June 12th, but that is hoping against hope.  The woman already told me today they can't do that.

I don't have any fear about the surgery.  I won't until the day before the surgery.  That is why I have requested valium for that day and the surgery day.  No, my fear is that something is going to get in the way of this.  That the insurance coordinator is not going to call the insurance company and get the approval number needed tomorrow to set my surgery date and I will have to look at a date the next week.  This will make it so I don't get to see my kids before surgery, and will not have most of my family here during the most critical time.  That worries me.  

I'm also struggling with the same two pounds.  On and off.  Tomorrow I am betting I will wake up and the scale will be 339.  Then the next day it will be 341 again.  Its frustrating.  I think going on my 2 weeks liquid diet tomorrow will result in the stall going away.  But its a scary thought.  Tomorrow is the last day of real regular food for 8 weeks.  That does not worry me, but its so tempting to do a "last supper".  My husband asked if I wanted to do that, that he was ok with it if I wanted to.  With wine.  But I am on a self induced "diet" by following the post op rules.  Which means nothing but eggs, meat, cheese and green veggies.  No wine.  No pasta.  No bread.  And I'm ok with it.  I told him no.  I was going to do a meat heavy, protein forward dinner as my last meal.  Lamb chop with asparagus.  I'm actually looking forward to it.  And it will be the last thing on my "normal" menu for 8 weeks.  Ok, that is the next step.

I just want to know its almost time.  Not that it MIGHT almost be that time.  But we will see how the day goes.  I will be distracted with my husband having a procedure tomorrow so I will be focused on him as well.  That will help get through the day in case she does not get through to them.  *sigh*

My scale moved, a little.  Down to 339.  If I can see 336 I will consider this stall to be broken.  So I am doing all I am supposed to to make that happen.  Gallon and a half of water, proteins, greens, etc.  I do wonder if I am eating too much still.  My doc said to not even count it, or worry.  To just eat when hungry, and only eat those things...eggs, meat, cheese, greens.  But at night I can put away the food!  Especially with my band emptied.  

I called this morning to get my surgery date, and I was told that I had to wait because I have to get approval for an extended hospital stay.  But we are most likely looking at June 12.  I confirm that date by this Friday.  This Friday I also pick up my Optifast, schedule all my pre-op tests, and start making all my final arrangements for while I am in the hospital and on my back at home.  My kids are going to north carolina for 2 weeks while I am laid up.  I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  Still not sure.  But they are going to see their grandparents for a little farm time and bible camp for the summer.  They are excited, so that makes me happy.  We will get to go up there and get them the last week of june, and I am hoping to be feeling well at that point and down a good chunk.  

I have lots of reasons for wanting to be skinnier for when I go to see my in-laws.  They have been rooting for me for so long to get healthy, and they are getting very old.  I want to have them see me healthy before they are gone.  I also want to be able to help more around the farm when I am up there.  Its so hard to see two 83 year old people out work you.  And its so much easier to cover up my tattoos when I am skinny.  I have a lot of them.  And we like to keep them covered out of respect to their traditions.  Nothing offensive, but they are old school and we don't want to upset them.  And I just love to see my mother in laws face when she is surprised.  She is just the cutest thing on the planet.  So I would love to surprise her with a good amount of weight loss.

Now the countdown begins.  2 weeks of liquids.  I have tonight and tomorrow night to enjoy solids before the next 8 weeks of time.  Wow.  2 full months of no solid food.  This will be weird.

Never thought it would taste so sweet!  I just got word that my revision is approved.  I won't know until tomorrow when I am scheduled for, but I am so excited that I am finally approved.  No more waiting.  No more wondering if I was gonna have to pay out of pocket or if they were going to cover it.  Thank god.  So tomorrow I call and find out what date in 2 weeks I go in for surgery!

The 3rd week stall came in week 2.  I get it.  I have complained.  I get to.  I earned that right when I gave up bread, and no one can take that away from me.  I even cut back more on my veggies to reduce the carbs, went heavy protein only, and only have 1 meal a day, the rest are protein shakes.  Yesterday I took in a little over 500 calories.  So I have to ask...

Why the fuck am I gaining?!

Maybe I'm retaining.  Maybe I am getting closer to my period.  Maybe my body hates me.  Maybe I'm doing something wrong.  I made it to 337 early last week.  Wednesday to be exact.  Then hovered around 339.  Yesterday I went to 340.  Today, 341.  WHY!!!???

So I popped a few Ducolax, gonna see if I blocked myself up, do a flax seed tea cleanse tonight after the ducolax works, and up my water to a gallon and a half.  I'm going to see if I can get this stall to go away.  I desperately want to see 320.  Continuing to gain to over 340 is going to drive me up a clock tower.

Maybe all your stalls be short term.

Seriously, though.  Got on the scale and its up 2 pounds.  I get it.  Fluctuations, its all about the number once a week or month and if that is trending down, but holy hell!  I'm so frustrated and mad.  I was doing well (Water weight, though) and my diet is ultra low carb (but maybe not low enough) and I'm drinking more water (which might be why the ketostix won't register any ketosis).  I'm second guessing myself the entire time.  I just need to be past being down 25 pounds.  It will make me know I'm actually accomplishing fat loss, not just fluctuating water weight and that the diet I am doing is correct.

I ALSO NEED AN APPROVAL FROM MY INSURANCE COMPANY!  

I want to call but they are probably closed today, and I am sure they do not have an answer, but I am so anxious.  I just desperately want to know.  Am I approved and I can go in for surgery in 2 weeks, or am I denied and I need to start setting up financing for self pay?  Just give me an answer.  Not knowing what path I have to take is driving me up the fucking wall!  And holy Jesus!  Can one more person who is with my insurance company get an approval in 1 day please?  While I sit here over 10 days waiting twiddling my thumbs.  Why is it things go differently for everyone else?  I never prayed for patience.  I never prayed for acceptance.  I don't need these lessons, God.  I desperately need you to just calm my heart and head, cause I can't seem to be able to do it  AND I DON'T NEED A SITUATION TO TEACH ME HOW!  I just want to know my path.  

I just want this to not be so questionable.  Not asking for it to be easy.  Not asking for it to be done for me.  I can put in the work, I don't mind.  I just need it to be clear.  I do the work I get results.  No of this doing the work and getting back questionable results and the opposite of what I am supposed to see.

Ok.  Rant over.  I guess this is my path.  Make it tough so I never come back.  Right?

My doctor has me restricted to 1 Dannon light and fit vanilla yogurt a week.  I had my first one last night.  IT WAS SO GOOD!  Like sweet cream ice cream.  I was so sad when the little cup was empty.  I could eat a whole large tub of that stuff right now!!  I can see why people enjoy that as their dessert once a day.  I wish I could.  I'm actually looking forward to the soft food phase so I can enjoy that without reprisal.

Ok, so I was doing great.  I mean GREAT!  Lost 14 pounds really fast, consistently, stayed motivated.  I knew it might be water weight, and prepared for that.  Then I wake up one morning and I have a 3 pound loss.  3 POUNDS!  I know in my heart its not fat, but its motivating.  The next day I'm up 4 pounds.  Ew.  The next day I'm down 3 again, so this makes for 16 pounds.  

Now I keep adding and subtracting the same pound!  16 pounds down, 17 pounds down, 16 pounds down, 17 pounds down.  I gotta break past this.  I have to get to 18 and start moving the scale the right way again.  And I only have myself to blame for the last two days.  I ate right, but my husband and I did not go for our walks like we normally do.  2 days no walks, and my water consumption has been minimal.  

So today its all the right choices with food, still, plus back on the water boat and working out at dusk.  And if I end up finally past the 17 pound mark I will know that I have to stay on plan STRICTLY to make this work.  

And that means I will secretly hate everyone who says "oh yeah, I cheated a little, but I still lost."  Yes, those of you drinking skinny lattes and eating fruit and yogurt every day.  

...OK, not really "hate" per se.  But I will be very jealous and have heartburn when I read your posts.

I wish the insurance company was open today for me to call them.  I want my approval.

I know, I know.  Its supposed to be about being healthy.  Its about lowering your risks of heart disease, and lung disease, and cancer, and all that stuff.  But God damnit, I want to be skinny!  And anyone on a weight loss journey is lying to you if they say different.  Will we get there?  Statistics say not all of us will.  That is sad.  This is my 2nd go-around, so I get it.  But I can't wait to do things that skinny people do.  The things skinny people take for granted.

Sit in ANY chair and feel comfortable.  Not hit people in the face with your butt when walking past them at the stadium or theater.  Go shopping online and have the clothes look on you the way they do in the picture.  Ride only semi uncomfortably in an airplane.  Go on ANY roller coaster.  Not be afraid of booth seats at restaurants.  Not wonder if people are staring at you because of your size when you walk into a room.  Not be made fun of at the gym.  Play sports with my kids without looking like an oaf.  Embarrass my children for reasons other than the size of my butt.  Not have people ask me where Honey Boo Boo is in the Bahamas. (yes, this happened.)  Wear tennis skirts or shorts instead of sweats when i go to play tennis.  Oh, yeah...play tennis for more than 5 minutes.  Allow my husband to buy clothes and lingerie for me.  

Yeah, I just want to be skinny.  Being here for a long time is part of it, but honestly I think the being skinnier thing is a little more important.  And that comes with the health thing so I think that is ok.