8 months and still learning

Jun 25, 2010

What a journey.  Well, everyday I am grateful for this wonderful blessing.  I heard over and over again pre op that WLS is just a tool to help you to lose weight.  They were not joking, it is just a tool, a wonderful tool.  I have remained at about the same weight for the last 2 months (bouncing back and forth between 232-240 lbs).  Some would call it a stall, but I can't because I began eating just as I had pre op.  No I didn't binge and eat and eat and eat, but I did partake in all kinds of unhealthy foods (chips, popcorn, tons of nuts, cake, cookies, potatoes, rice, fried foods, and yes fast foods).  I was having cravings everyday because I allowed the carbs back in.  I have to hold myself accountable.

I started to lie to myself saying, "I'll start over tomorrow (just as I had preop).  Well I do recognize my issues as an addiction.  I would take 1-2 more bites after I felt satisfied.  In my head I wanted the restriction, but resented the restriction too.  I wanted to eat and eat and eat.  I enjoy eating and I am just learning my triggers...pretty much everything.  I even found myself eating a ton of baby carrots the other day and I realized, I just like to eat.

I am riding my bike about 3 times weekly and taking a 2 hour dance class twice a week.  I walk all the time.  I park further away and look for excuses to get moving.  I have a lot of energy and my confidence is much improved.  I am working to track my foods.  I am working to measure more consistently and stop guestimating.  Last night at 3am I started to feel hungry and I said to myself, its ok to feel hungry and you do not always need to act upon it.  I will not die if I don't put something in my mouth as soon as I become uncomfortable.  This is something that I battle several times daily, not being hungry, but making a conscious decision not to put bad things into my body.

At 8 months out, I can eat whatever I want.  I can eat a whole sandwich.  I can eat any meat, cheese, deserts.  I can drink as much alcohol as I want.  I am not any more intoxicated than preop.  I don't drink soda at all, it has never been that appealing to me.  I have never been sick.  I only threw up when my gall bladder was irritated, in December 2009.  Somedays I have more restriction than others.

Today I have had:  a protein shake (ice, 1 scoop of banana muscle milk, 1 banana, 6 oz. of plain yogart, 1/8 cup of aloe vera juice) 40% of a chicken caesar salad sandwich, and a 20 oz. reduced calorie frozen latte.  I will maybe have a snack and another shake for dinner or a piece of grilled meat and veggies.  At this point in the road, it is a decision to eat healthy.  When I eat junk, I feel horrible the next day.  I have no get up and go.  When I don't get enough sleep, I feel horrible the next day.

Ok, I do compare myself to other VSG patients here who started at weights close to what mine was.  (When I started my BMI was 53 and now 39.3) and I get very disappointed in myself.  When I look at myself naked especially, I look just as I did 86 lbs heavier.  My body looks the exact same, but smaller.  Today I wear L/XL shirts and 14-18 pants depending on the manufacturer.  I shop in regular stores now.  I don't feel constantly embarrassed anymore.  I sometimes feel sexy and beautiful.  I plan to post some pics next week.  I have gone from a tight 26/28 to a 14/16 in 8 months, from 314 lbs to 228 lbs.. 

When I made my mind up to get WLS I looked at it as my only hope at losing weight.  I never had a weight loss goal in mind.  Right now I am just trying to make it down to 200 lbs, then I can re-evaluate.  I never really saw myself as being able to wear a 14/16, but look at me now.  I spend a lot of time on OH and Youtube following the journey of others.  Thats where I get hope and inspiration.  I am working to blog at least monthly so that others, pre ops and newbies can see how my mental journey is going as well as the physical journey.  I wish that more members on OH blogged regularly so I would have even more support.  I wish I knew if my experiences are more normal than not.

I AM NOT A FAILURE.  I am pleased to be in a healthier physical and mental state, but I know I am not content where I am.  I know I have a ton of excess fat and that I am gonna have to work like hell to get it off.  I do get compliments all the time.  People do say wow Sura, you're skinny now.  I am far from skinny.  I am still obese.  I would really like to be in the normal BMI range, but I haven't weighed 145 lbs since 4th or 5th grade.  Well, I will see where this journey takes me.

Lastly, thank you all.  I know I wouldn't be as successful as I have been without your support.  I continue to learn everyday.  I continue to learn to use my tool and get the maximum benefit.  I know I am not perfect, but I will not beat myself up for my imperfection.  We'll see ya here next month.  Peace & Blessings!

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