1 month out

Aug 27, 2010

Ok, this is going to be my whine fest right now.  I'm not happy, I'm depressed, I hate my job, I have no love life, and my pouch doesn't seem to really only be able to only hold 2 oz of food.  I don't think the surgery is actually working well at all because I can eat and eat and eat and not feel hungery or full, or satisfied.  It might just be my period that should have been here already but its not because it always comes whenever unlike others who get it on schedule every month.  I was able to eat 6 shrimp today and I feel fine.  No pain no nothing.  I should have stopped after just 3, but they tasted so good and they went down so easily that I jut kept on going.  I had an interview today for a new job.  I hope I get it because I really want out of where I'm at.  I only get pd for 32hrs / week ,yet I always work over and then this week I'm working 40hrs and get yelled at for leaving work 15min after what I should have and coming in 15min early today, why, simply because I supposedly should have gone home and continued to work from home through remote access.  Seriously?  I haven't had a pay raise in over a year.  They promised to pay my testing fees ($978 worth) and they haven't, I got greif over the surgery, even though I carried my blackberry to the hospital with me and was answering e-mails as soon as the anastesia wore off.  I just hate actually having to come here and work for these people.  There is no encouragement for anything around here.  I really just need to be in a different envirnment.  Leo keeps asking for his daddy and how do you tell a 2yr old that daddy doesn't want to be there?  You can't and so I say daddy is at work or away and that just isn't helpful either.  Today is just a bad day.  I want to go home to this morning when Leo was in my arms being sweet and just be a doting mom.  Instead I'm at work, not getting paid which is making me not want to be productive which is why I am writing on here.  I've lost 72lbs now since January and I'm still not really showing the loss.  People say they can see a difference and some of my clothes don't fit as well as before, but I thought 70lbs would have a bigger impact than what it has.  I thought it would make a bigger difference in how clothes fit.  I just wish things would go a little faster.  I just have this idea of what my life should be like and I know how hard I'm working towards getting there, it just doesn't seem to be coming fast enough.  I'm still on medicaid and I don't want to be.  I still have food stamps and I want to be able to afford to support my son without them  This is ridiculous and I think that life should be better than this.  Now all I need is a supportive, loving husband that has a job and also a better paying job for myself and things will start to work themselves out, I think.  Who knows, it could just be the pms getting to me, or wishful thinking.  I don't know why I thought things would start getting better.  Like I said this was a 100% whine fest!

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