Food - My drug of Choice!

Feb 12, 2010

I am six pounds from 100 lost  Six. 6.  So why have I been doing things that slowed that accomplishment?  I could not fully understand where my head was.  Something was not right.  Thank God for OH because two things happened.  One)  I read H*** post about complacency, rationalization and grazing.  Two) I saw that B*** had reported that she was home from the hospital, I had the strangest feelings. I realizes I wanted her to share in "detail" how she was transitioning.  

Let me see if I can word this right.  OK, here goes. I miss the last four months. I was giddy with the challenge of  drinking only prescribed liquids pre and post op.  I miss that feeling of - sweet victory!  I miss the newness of feeling full.  I miss becomng excited about learning to eat all over again.  I miss that first high of seeing my baggy jeans. I miss complaining about how much I was learning to hate boiled and scrambled eggs.  Call the guys with the belted jacket - because I realize that I miss the experience of dumping when I ate something I knew I shouldn't  have - the combined feeling of fear and excitement of my "first time".  Everybody warned about dumping and hey - I was dumping!  I guess what I am experiencing Is kinda like the empty nest thingie. All those feelings of wanting to strangle your teen are starting to fade and I need a new baby. All those big, exciting, scary, rewarding "first times" are gone. 

Oh my goodness.  I realize that  I can't wait for B*** to write about her experiences so I can live vicariously through her, relive those "first times".  So what do addicts do when that high is not there? They use.  And, food is my drug of choice.  But just like a drug addict - I am chasing the high (grazing) with no success.  My relationship with food was killing me.  I need to be careful never to let that happen again.  Be ever vigilante.  I am an addict for life, whether I am using or not.   I have six pounds to lose to get to 100. I need to get busy living or give in to dying - slowly - but dying just the same! 

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