I am fat! But, failure is not an option.

Sep 09, 2010

The weirdest thing has been happening to me.  When you start out at 330-340 and lose more than a hundred pounds, you see yourself as "skinny" when you look at pictures and weigh.  Recently, a whole new mindset is creeping in.  Twenty years ago, when I first creeped up to  and then over 200 pounds, I was devastated - depressed.  I was fat!  I went on all kinds of diets, jogged, even took the new pill of my time "redux".  (Oh man that stuff worked).  When I had to stop redux because they took it off the market -  I gained, gained gained.   Okay, Okay, I';m getting to it.  Lately when I look in the mirror, I see myself as fat.  Not the 330-340 fat.  But the 220 pounds fat.  I may not be saying this really well.  Lets say I had never had the surgery and I weighted 230 pounds, I would feel, I would say..  I am fat!  I look at my stomach, my thighs and I look fat.  No, I am not as fat as I was - but I am.  I even noticed that my shape is shifting.  Does this all makes sense?  

What makes it worse is that this is the period where you hit stalls so you don't lose as fast, so you feel this sense of desperation that you often feel when you start a diet and you are not losing.  October 7th, will be a year - it is also my 60th birthday.  I am excited and proud of the weight I have lost - of my successes, big and small.  My self esteem went from a minus 10 to a plus 7. I have been happier this past year than any time I can remember in recent years.  I remain committed to this WL journey.  But, if I am not honest about what I am thinking and feeling - if I don't face my truths, my fears - I will fail.  And, OH family, failure is not an option.

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