This time of year

Nov 24, 2012

This time of year is always hard for me. My childhood family is a mess, my dad has always hated me and made it known. I use to think that there could be some miracle like there are in the movies where he realizes what a jerk he is and we live happily ever after....I had actually started thinking that way about just about every man that has entered my life...only one of them ever actually loved me and didn't judge me based on my weight, and he has been gone about 8 years now. I just wish I could give my daughter the kind of Christmas I always wanted. But I can't....I can't do much of anything these days. I am so over weight I am embarrassed to be around anyone, I am always terrified someone I know is going to see me. I am so miserable! I am on medical leave from work because my bipolar and depression are out of control. I want to work but I am so embarrassed the thought of going back is sickening. I thought about getting a part time job that I might actually enjoy, but with all the weight I have gained recently I don't think I could stand long enough to do it. I would like to work at Lane Bryant just to get some extra money for Christmas and to get a nice discount and get some clothes that fit me other than the stretch pants and tshirts I have been wearing. I just want to get better all the way around. I want to lose ALL of this weight...which means I need to get up and get moving at the gym...and I want to get my mind better. I don't want to feel hopeless, helpless, and useless anymore. I just want to get better for me and for my daughter.

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