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Well today is my weigh in date and guess what...after the very bad day I had earlier in the week...my grand baby's certificate day "she had a 4.0 by the way" (promotion from 1st grade to 2nd)  was the beginning of the end of that day.  Well I got on the scale and of course I GAINED WEIGHT  177.8 # was 177.2 # No ones fault but my own.  But boy does it hurt.  It makes me feel like I'm headed right back to that Morbidly Obese girl again. As much as it didn't bother me AS MUCH then...it did but... but since I've seen pictures of myself, candid pictures, not pics of me posing to hide some of the girth.  It is so painful to see how big I really was.  I had/have body dysmorphic disorder.  I really didn't realize how big I was when I was that big (286#) Amazing...when I look at the pictures I get sick, literally sick, ashamed and I don't want people to see those pics.  Strange How I didn't mind them seeing the actual ME.  Love me or leave me is how I felt...I GUESS.  I have some disabilities from a car accident 2 yrs ago and since this surgery lost weight , a fat person/friend told me "I don't be talkin' about you but I was just telling "boyfriend" that if you lost some weight then maybe you wouldn't have so much pain" What the F!!!!!!!!!!  I really mean that, What the flipping F!!!! You'd have to know this person to understand.  "I don't be talkin' about you but."  Yea right!!!  But how about YOU losing some weight...Really there is history in this...I think the biggest thing is "I don't be talkin' 'bout you, BUT"  Well okay I'll leave that alone.  I didn't tell her that I had the surgery but when she was told that I was dieting and she saw the weight loss she said you're not gonna leave me behind THIS time.  I had dieted before and after accident gained weight back, plus.  Anyway, we, my surgery partner and I, we both went through process together and had surgery planned together but our insurance is different so she had a few months after...back on thought track now...we told her that we decreased our portions and excluded certain things from our diet, only eat what fits on a saucer and blah, blah, blah...I usually hate when I tell people how without including the surgery part because it's unfair...However I didn't mind telling her this because she knows everything...so as we were telling her she was saying yea that's what I'm doing and we were saying that we just don't buy the stuff then we don't have to worry about snacking on it (cookies and such)  YEA YEA that's what I do too.  So why did we just see her a few days ago, just stopped by and she had GAINED WEIGHT!!! Oh my I've lost 100, she had lost some weight while I was gaining, gained it back though...I am sorry for that for her.  But when ever we try to explain anything to her she KNOWS already SO WHY DIDN'T U LOSE WEIGHT!!! And why were there all kinds of unhealthy goodies lying about, (cookies ice cream chips and what not) but when we told her don't buy it and you won't eat it, SHE KNEW AND DOESN'T DO THAT.  Well sorry this is supposed to be about MY F#CK UP...So I have gained .6 pounds.  The first time I've gained since this surgery and I live with my surgery partner and they are sitting very close to me and I am so ashamed to even tell her...Although of course I will.  It will give them the heads up. They eat alot of carby things because their tummy can't tolerate meat very well so I just want them to know so they can get prepared. ( I know every ones journey can be different)  The beginning of the journey is so much easier than the end, for me.  Six months out is the end for me...the honeymoon is OVER.  I remember reading before the surgery about the honeymoon phase and this is a tool not a magic bullet,  I didn't quite get it but after the surgery you realize this is a DIET with surgical intervention so you are not guaranteed to lose weight unless you follow the directions of the tool that you have been given.  So now I feel really bad about making fun of the person that knows everything!!!! She doesn't have the tool.  It is a last resort....I risked my life having surgery to save my life.  So I had a bad day that gave me the outcome of a bad week..so my actions overeating that day caused the reaction of weight added to my frame instead of minus-ed.  It could be worse I could be 286 again or I could NOT recognize my errors in my weighs but what scares me is that I really sometimes don't have control.  I did weigh myself through the week and one day I was 176 point something so it was a good start to the week, then I had the bad day and I was 178 180 179 so I watched what I ate more closely through the week.  I didn't weigh myself Saturday or Sunday but on Sundays I really watch what I eat because I know weigh in is tomorrow.  But there were some cherries healthy but carby...and they were calling me and I ate them, all of them and I think it was like 30-40 cherries.  Yum yum but today I am wondering did they do me in. I also had like half a serving or less of graham crackers but I don't feel so bad about those.  Then I had like maybe 10 pistachios, not too bad in my mind so why am I flipping out on the cherries...I DUNNO...I will look up the cals on the cherries and compare...But what worried me was the no control seemingly.  I'm lost but at least I feel guilty.  My favorite saying:Guilt is the Teacher, LOVE is the lesson. Will have to be my mantra for this week ( Love myself enough to do the right thing for myself) until I can get myself back on track. Usually I would at least exercise if I thought or saw I wasn't doing great on weight loss that week.  I am a almost weigh myself everyday person. I didn't do that either.  So for every this non-action is the reaction of realization that I MUST DO BETTER and I am not better than a fatter person because I had surgery and they are not better than me if they can lose the weight without the surgery but I must exercise to become healthier, that must become part of my daily routine. I can't let my injuries allow me to die from unhealthiness. I must Cardioke through the pain and continue to modify my exercise routine to fit my disabilities. 
An hour or so after I started this post.
Okay I ate breakfast and did a # 2 and from the looks of it no weight gain I broke even so I will use the broke even weight... NOT...not today anyway...buhhhh

Boy oh Boy did I NOT eat the right things yesterday. To start out I weighed myself the day before 6-10-09 the scale read 176.2 down a pound...from Monday...so 6-11-09 I didn't weight myself when I woke up didn't do any of my normal first thing in the morning tasks, ie take throid pills, take medications, drink protein shake...the biggest mistake was not drinking protein shake.  If I miss that for some reason my entire day is shot...I get hungrier during the day.  Usually I have more self control though.  But yesterday I didn't.  I had to go to my grand baby's certificate ceremony and had a hotdog on half a bun...a half bag of Lay's chips, then later I had a whole peanut butter and jelly sandwich...never have I eaten two pieces of bread since surgery...what was even worse was that I  had hot tea to go with it which made it a slider food but I had been craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I literally said in my mind if I am going to blow my day I might as well have what I really want...I had another bag of lays..a whole one...I had some salmon salad ( like chicken or tuna)  delicious...I'm not sure how bad that was...I had a cheesecake cookie, and one fried wing ding... I'm not sure what all I ate yesterday...must have just put it out of my memory because I am so ashamed.  What the heck is wrong with me!!!! I always tell myself I risked my life having surgery to save myself . So why was I sabotaging MYSELF!!!!  I didn't really feel well yesterday and every time I dosed off and woke up I wanted something to eat...I should of just stayed sleep in the bed. I have noticed that about myself.  When I am sleepy I must use food as an energy booster.  It usually gives me a little energy boost. For a short period of time.  Today I am doing better although I still didn't have my morning protein shake, instead my daughter treated me to breakfast where I had ham and scrambled eggs...then I came home and had two pieces of white bass, and a salad its almost  7pm so I'm on track for the day...so I just have to make threw the rest of the day...Good luck to me.  Oh and I weighed myself today around two o'clock and the scale said 178.8 WTF!!! that's enough for me to say GET BACK ON TRACK!!!!

Wow time has kind of flown by.  I remember thinking this weight is taking so long to come off.  But really it hasn't.  It's been really fast.  In six months I have lost 100 lbs in six months, as of today 108.8 That is amazing, actually astounding...I gained really fast but not as fast as I lost it and without the blessing of having RNY surg I would probably still be extremely morbidly obese.  I still can't believe that I let myself get so large, injuries or not.  How did it happen?  Maybe alot of things. But today I posted the following on the main board: ugghk my thighs
  I always say to myself that I am trading in unhealthiness for saggy skin.  But boy oh boy....This is TMI but I had to go to the ladies room and squat and had opportunity to see the sagginess from a new prospective. Oh my goodness what a horrendous sight. OMG OMG OMGoodness!!! What the hell.  I need some excercises if they actually work.  I have a mantra going on in my head at least i'm getting healthy, but I wanna puke at the image of my thighs...never a bathing suit again. Or should I just not care what others think of me wearing one...and just enjoy life and my water sports uninhibited.  What are my options.
   Board shorts were placed as a reponse to my rambling and I think that will be a great option.  I am seriously self conscious of my thighs. Why wasn't I as self conscious of my 286# thighs.  All I can think of is what kind of surgery I can get,  how much will it cost and will the scars that replace the extra skin be worth it.  Does the means justify the end?  I'm not sure.  Who will see me naked and how will I feel about it. Just alot of rambling thoughts.  But the flip side is I am a healthier person and I hope my children learn from my mistakes and I hope people see this to know this isn't a magic bullet that changes you to have a slim sexy body in hollywood, model and video girl standards, but you will if you follow your Dr's and nutritionists orders you will be more healthier happier person.  Happier is relative to your what is most important to you.  To me being around along time to watch my kids, kids be born and graduate, get married and so on without them having to take care of me is happiness.  Pure joy...One of my greatest fears is to be a burden on someone.  I love them more than I love myself so I am doing this as much for myself as I am for them.   So saggy thighs or whatever else will have to just be whatever they are, unless I come into some money for plastic surgery and the pain and scars seem to justify the end. 

Just lost 100 lbs and it is a joyous occassion but it has been HARD any one who believes that this surgery is a magic bullet is soooo misinformed.  I will say in the beginning it is so easy to lose because your pouch is small and you don't have the hunger pangs. But, now every day is a struggle constantly fighting urges just like before surgery.  The exception being how ashamed I would be to fail after risking losing my life to lose weight to try to put myself in good health, so my kids won't have to take care of me when I get older. No one likes to be a burden...I am SOOOO grateful for this surgery and this SITE, which has been a great inspiration.  I posted to the main board about reaching 100 #s lost and I received comments back that I am an inspiration.  Unbelievable. Thank God for EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! 

Wow I started out moving pretty quickily...boy has that changed.  I ate some carby things that I shouldn't have over the last two weeks but at the end of last week I stopped. just stopped the BS...But I can't get the motivation to EXERCISE which i need to do so badly.  I haven't exercised in like 3 weeks.  That's crazy to me seeing that I KNOW I NEED TO...what is wrong with me!!!  I've been going to the shore almost everyday...which helps me with physical pain I have from a car accident...watching the water helps with meditation which in turn helps with the pain.  So I get home really late and then do motherly stuff and then I'm too tired to exercise.  That's my rationale, it's true but its TOTAL B.S...I need to MOTIVATE myself some how I need HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm getting depressed over it...shame on me. But, if I get depressed I want to EAT and the old things chocolate isn't an option...since surgery the site and smell makes me gag. Thank God, but cake is still in. I have very mild dumping.  I mean negligible except sleepy after sweets. What to do.  I guess just get up and do it.  I'm limited in the exercises I can do because of injuries but I need something to motivate me to do whatever.

Today I am 5 months out, 21 weeks, though.  As of today I am appx 193. Amazing.  I weighed myself in the darkness of the morning because I didn't want to cut on the light and wake anyone, couldn't see. When I got home today after I had eaten and had my protein shake and water I was 193.  I am hoping to be at my centurian mark by 24 weeks just 7 more pounds.  I made it to onderland April 13th, my 19th week.   Yay me!  I have noticed over the last few weeks that my hunger is back...not ravenous usually and if I think I have eaten enough I have a nice cup of decaf coffee which takes the hunger away.  I have to trick myself.  At this point whatever works. I have started doing more exercising...Billy Blanks Jr's Cardioke, up to three days a week usually two.  I need to do so much better. I was walking around in just a shirt and my lovely 17 y/o daughter looked at my thighs and said, "Why are you so giggly, eeewww."  As much as I know she loves me, she did say eewww.  That is it.  I have to start toning exercises...my arms and thighs need serious HELP!!! I did read a very helpful post today.  My Dr said I can drink 1/2 hr after eating, but a young lady on this site said 60-90 min and sited some really good reason.  I wish I had noted her name. Thirty minutes is hard but 60-90. I tried it after dinner and my hunger was at bay and still is so that's a good thing, no great thing!  OK bye now I have to drink something.

I TOTALLY SABOTAGED MYSELF.
My WLS Escapade began not too long ago compared to some histories I have read.  I had a bad car accident and suffer from back pain and CRPS in my foot 2/23/07. Although I have stuggled with my weight since my son was born now 12 years ago I was no where near the point that I needed or could be eligible for surgery, nor did I really want to be. My weight hit an all time high of appx 250 then 260+ and I couldn't control it. I am ashamed and embarrassed by that.  I use the excuses that I was injured and couldn't get around as well, stopped working because of injuries from accident, no socializing really because who wants to hang around a person in pain, or I faked like I was having a good day. But whatever excuses...I still had no control over my mind and body which I felt were betraying me.  Crazy is what I'm thinking, I am my mind and body.  Why couldn't I control it.  I went in for my first seminar in March 08 and my consult/ weigh-in, in April to start my 6 month pre-approval diet monitoring.  Went every month as scheduled, my PCP was AWESOME!!!! My surgeons office was AWESOME!!!! They worked in tandem making sure everything was in order. My surgeon's office (Dr. Katz , St. John Weight Loss Ctr.) submitted my paper work on a Tues and the next morning my approval was on her desk!!!!  Tawnya D. (insurance coordinator) called me sounding just as excited as I became. AWESOMELY BLESSED!!!! November 19th was my pre-op visit date, which was appx 2 weeks after my approval, I had ate and drank (not alcohol) myself to an all time high of 286# I couldn't believe it in 2 weeks, 15 #s UHK.  I mostly drank, I convinced myself to drink so much Pepsi, (my favorite beverage) that I would get so sick of it I wouldn't want it anymore.  NEVER HAPPENED. Don't get me wrong I indulged in my favorite foods too, thinking whoa is me, I will never be able to eat that again...Chocolate and restaurants.  I wish someone would have told me that your tastes change after surgery, but me, alot of people would have had to tell me for me to believe it. But now the smell of chocolate makes me gag and fast food, yuk!!!! I'll add thank God to that.  Craving for Pepsi, still there.  But it is so weird to me because to me I feel reincarnated.  A new me. My mind does fail me sometimes and thinks back to those glory days, so to speak.  I know that being only 4 months out, I am probably still in the honeymoon phase, but I am going to enjoy it.  I have NOT been exercising. EXCUSE injuries but this Monday 4/6/09 my support group is focusing on just that...Exercise modalities within your limitations...YAY!!!! As much crap as Star Jones got for not being forthcoming...I wanna look like her, TONED. I was her...am like her...I didn't want anyone to know either. I was ashamed and  because people really think this is the easy way out...RISKING YOUR LIFE...side effects and serious possible complications for life ...hmm EASY, I think not. Although I used to be one of those people before it was me going under the knife and reading everything I could get my hands on about it.  Only my kids know and like 2 friends one of which traveled the road together, hers a little more bumpy than mine. She had BCN Aarrgg!!! So although we started together consults the same day, her surgery was 03/11/09 mine was 12/1/08 still not too bad comparitively to others experiences, only 3 months difference.  The plus side was that she had first hand knowledge of exactly what transpires after surgery, so when she went for her pre-op visit she was like 40#s lighter than my pre-op weight and over the previous months we hovered around the same weight. So I feel better about my self sabotage because it gave her insight as to what NOT to do, and me losing weight after surgery gave her incentive to cut back...so hurray for that.  I hope this helps others...My favorite online support, Diva Taunia...You tube...GET WELL soon!!!!.