goddessgrrl

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Okay, I'll be at the hospital in 5 1/2 hours! My house is pretty much in order. I buzzed around this house most of the past few days, but especially today. Vacuumed my room, straightened, cleared out some piles, cleared some things out of my son's room (he comes home from college for spring break on Friday w00t). Also did laundry. It's still spinning!

Have my little bags packed (one is the hospital plastic bag, the other is an adorable extra-large cosmetic bag with a blue animal print =] that says FIRST CLASS ONLY! on the front). Not taking much.

The Hubs seems all ready to take over the reins. I know I'm going to be sleepy (meaning ASLEEP) when we leave home at 5 AM to get to the hospital at 5:30 AM. All I know is, 2/28 is now my new birth day!

So many thoughts have been going through my head today. A major one is that I'm leaving my father behind. He was horrible to me as a child (& adult). I'm the only one of my siblings (there are 5 of us) who looks like him & is heavy like he was. When I looked in the mirror, I saw him.

But no more. I forgive you, dad, I release all ties I have to you & to the victim you made me. I cut the cords of what you did to me when I was young; I won't let the hurt in my past define me ANY MORE.

Today I start my new life! The past is past. It does NOT define who I am TODAY. The future is unknown. I am living for this moment. That's the moment we live for: right now. It's in this present moment where I find peace.

Love, GG  

I've been clearing out closets, organizing things, weeding through books & clothing, bagging things up & taking them to Good Shepherd Alliance (like Goodwill). If you're getting ready to have a baby, this is called "nesting." Anyone else go through this before surgery?

I want my bedroom to be clean & neat for when I come home from the hospital on 3/1. I picked up all my shoes (had them neatly lined up against a wall) & stored them away. I have to strip my bedclothes & wash them & remake the bed. Gotta dust & vacuum the whole room. Already put some cosmetics away that I had out on my dresser.

Did the same thing with my bathroom sink. Put some things in my medicine chest & under my sink in the cabinet. Gotta get my bathroom spick & span clean.

Asked my husband to dust & vacuum the living room. I hope he'll do the same to the rec room (where the TV is)!

So I'm almost ready. I've been using my spirometer daily. Starting tomorrow I'll wash my belly every day in the shower with the antibacterial wash the hospital gave me. I've been eating lighter (that has been a relearning in itself!). Lots of fresh fruit & veggies & lean chicken the past week (trying to shrink my liver; when I had my gall bladder ultrasound to prepare for RNY surgery, the technician said I had fat deposits in my liver. I'm a recovering alcoholic [25+ years sober] so that could be part of the problem. Obviously, the fact that I'm 110 pounds overweight probably has contributed).

I've also been trying to eat every 3 hours. That's another relearning process. I'm used to eating one big meal a day, which, of course, has slowed my metabolism & isn't healthy for any human, especially an insulin-dependent type-2 diabetic.

Went out to lunch with my BFF today at our local cozy diner. So great to be with her. Hadn't seen her much this week, & next week I probably won't see her because of my surgery. She's getting ready to start MediFast. I'm so happy we'll be traveling the path towards health & fabulosity together.

Gotta tell ya: I sure am happy that, after all this nesting, I won't have a newborn to raise!

I am so excited to start my new life! Almost have my toe on the first brick of the yellow brick road!

Love, GG 

Today I got my hair cut & colored by my longtime hairdresser & friend, Elisa. She had RNY on 9/13/2007. She now moderates 2 RNY support groups.

She gave me some great advice. She said it was vitally important that I follow my new eating program to the letter (protein first, supplements daily, don't stray). She said a huge part of being successful on the path (as she calls it) is mental health counseling in order that we deal with our "demons" that are still there even after the surgery. I'm so thankful that my prep for surgery included a mandatory appointment with a mental health professional (in my case, an LCSW). I now have a standing Wednesday appointment with her.

She also said she loves Unjury unflavored protein & that it is by far her favorite (& she's tried them all). I told her I was considering buying the Strawberry Sorbet. She cautioned me that the flavor is so intense after surgery I should order 2 of the sample-packet kits so I can try small amounts of the flavors before I buy a large container.

She also gave me 2 cartons (individual servings) of Muscle Milk, 1 chocolate & 1 vanilla. She said she really likes it & it has 20g of protein. She said, even after 4+ years, she is still "all about the protein."

She recommended the book Sugar Blues by William Dufty http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sugar_Blues & the exceedingly well-researched books of Gary Taubes http://garytaubes.com/ .

I love Elisa. She's been my hair stylist since I was 29 (so a LONG time). Now she's helping me as I begin my new life on Tuesday, 2/28/2012 when I have my RNY surgery. I am blessed!

Love, GG 

My counselor, Linda, is a licensed clinical social worker. I clicked with her immediately when I met her last month (as a prerequisite for being cleared for RNY). Our personalities (& bodies!) are quite different, but she's REAL. It was great visiting with her (I look forward to my Wednesday sessions).

When I went into the office today, she said, "Well, I haven't sent in your letter of approval yet." She said she wanted to talk to me more to make sure I'm truly ready for RNY surgery. I didn't get a bad feeling in my stomach; I didn't get angry; I didn't get worried. I was calm. I can only be myself with her. Why would I go if I were just going to say what I thought she wanted me to say?

My second visit with her I told her I was going to be honest with her. I know we hear people say that often, & we say it often. But when I told her that, I meant it. The more honest I am, the more help I will get. I have so many issues to work on, many of which I've been working on for decades. I started going to a psychologist when I was 25. I've gone to PhDs, psychiatrists, counselors, you-name-it, on & off ever since. I was never 100% honest with any other counselor.

Of course, psychiatrists do not want to listen to you. They just want to write you prescriptions. This is a fact. If you're going to a psychiatrist & you expect to have a "session" where you tell your doctor about your feelings & emotions, you'll be disappointed. I flat-out asked a psychiatrist I was seeing in 2010 if she would be able to listen to me & counsel me. She smiled sadly & shook her head. She said, "No, I prescribe medication for depression & other mental health problems. I'm not a counselor." At least she was honest, right? I went to her twice.

I find that women (especially) are done a serious disservice because doctors (especially males) only want to give us a drug for the symptoms of our mental health issues. They don't want to get to the root of our issues. I think there's still a mentality that we are "hysterical," the Victorian term for a woman who is unhappy & letting her feelings known. I do think many male doctors (& some female) don't think they'll ever understand women, or they don't want to take the time to treat the individual, so they just throw a scrip for Xanax or Ambien at us.

At this stage in my life, my children are grown, my daughter is gone & has her own family (we are estranged), my son is a freshman in college (away), my husband still works the same long hours he's worked for years. Now, it's my turn. It's my turn to find out about me, what I want, what I don't want, what serves me in my life as it is, what doesn't & how to change it. I'm not just talking about change anymore, I'm changing.

When I left Linda's office, she said, "I'm going to write your letter of approval." I shook her hand & thanked her, not effusively, but sincerely. She is a professional, & she's giving me the respect of getting to know me as an individual & then making her professional diagnosis of my preparedness for RNY surgery.  I want to have this surgery TODAY, but I must be true to myself (above anyone else) & make sure this is the right path for me.

So as it stands right now, I'll be having RNY surgery on Tuesday, 2/28/2012, as planned.

When I got home from the appointment with Linda, I got some water & headed back outside. I live in a beautiful suburban neighborhood that has bike paths, woods, walking areas & a creek. I used to go for a walk every single day up until about 2 or 3 years ago. I'd worked up my walks from about a mile to about 4 miles. I looked forward to being outside. I wasn't cutting cartwheels (I've never done one & always wanted to!), but I love to be outside under the open sky.

I went for a walk for about 10 minutes. It seemed longer (because I'm not in shape & almost the heaviest I've ever been)! But how wonderful it is that my body still can put one foot in front of the other, breathe the air, listen to the birds, look at the flowers just now poking through the soil, listen to the creek, & just feel my heart beating & my lungs filling with fresh air.

I used my spirometer & my lungs are strengthening every day, albeit just a tiny bit more each day. It's wonderful. I've been sleeping better (with no prescription drugs or OTC drugs).

I feel like I'm doing some nesting like I did when I was getting ready to give birth to my children. I've gone through some drawers & thrown things away. I went through my books & weeded out some paperbacks I don't need to own. I feel like I'm getting ready for my new birth day. That's really how I feel! Shaking the dust of my self-limiting through eating & being sedentary & clearing a path for the new me.

Love, GG 

Got all my goodies for my 8 weeks post-op liquid diet today in the mail! I ordered them from Drugstore.com. I'd heard about BariatricAdvantage.com, but I found that their Gastric Bypass 90-day kit had things I didn't need (iron) & didn't have things I did need. So I ordered from drugstore.com. 

Everything I ordered was straight off the checklist from my surgeon & hospital. 

American Health Chewable Papaya Enzyme w/Chlorophyll 250 tablets $6.82

Tylenol Regular Strength Pain Reliever 100 tablets 8.99

Traditional Medicinals Smooth Move laxative 16 senna tea bags 4.99

Centrum Chewables Multivitamin/Multimineral Supplement 100 tablets 8.49

Twinlab Calcium Citrate Chewable 60 Wafers 10.99

Twinlab Vitamin B12 500mg 250 dots 11.99

Twinlab B50 100 capsules 9.33

Syntrax Nectar Whey Protein Isolate unflavored powder 1 lb. 17.99

GNC shaker cup 4.99

Walgreens Premium Pill Crusher 7.99

Walgreens Pill Reminder 7-day 2XL pill case 4.99

Altogether I paid about $100 for everything! Pretty good, huh? And they take Paypal & BillMeLater! 

Also took a trip to the grocery store & got rice milk, almond milk, Gas-X, applesauce (of course!), & 2 tiny containers of baby food with spring vegetables & brown rice. I almost fainted at how expensive baby food is. The 2 tiny cups were $1.55 for both. It's been a long time since I've bought baby food. I made my now-19-year-old son's baby food. I did buy prepared baby food for my now-32-year-old daughter, but gosh! It sure wasn't anywhere near that expensive. 

So, I think I'm ready! I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow. Can't wait. She is great. She's a LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) & is right up the street from my home. 

Got a call from my primary care physician's nurse who said my doctor (also my endocrinologist) said everything's a GO for my surgery! All my tests came back great. Thank heaven! 

Got the call last week from my cardiologist that my nuclear cardiac stress test came back great. Thank you Lord! That is so good to know. No blockages, no problems. Whew! 

Found some white flannel fabric in my stash. I'm going to use it to wrap around my belly underneath my binder so it doesn't bother my skin & also to keep the binder clean. I was going to buy an extra binder, but they're $40. So I'll use this nice soft flannel instead. 

Replaced a button on a pair of jeans that are one size too small (& that I haven't worn in about a year!). Also mended my favorite sweatshirt which is a men's XXL & is snug. But it's going to be loose soon! 

So a little less than a week to go! SO HAPPY! 

xo GG 
 

It's a little over a week until my surgery. I am so ecstatic about my rebirth. Not many people have this kind of second chance at life. How lucky am I? I praise the Holy Trinity & the Blessed Mother for keeping me sane through the "challenge" I've gone through to be almost to the finish (or starting?) line. 

I've been overweight almost my whole life (since I was about 6). I used to lay in bed & wish I could cut off my chubby belly. I would cry because I was treated differently than my 4 siblings (who didn't have a weight problem). I wasn't allowed to have dessert. If a child's not allowed to have dessert, she feels like she's being punished. Dessert is the holy grail of kiddom. 

My mother stayed on me. She would say, "I don't know where to get your clothes, I guess Omar the Tentmaker." It was a nightmare. My father would tell me I'd never be anything because boys don't like fat girls. I cried in my bed so many nights I don't want to think about it anymore. 

And here I am, a week from my new life. I'm so excited that the real GG will be visible to myself & everyone else. ME. A person with a huge heart, a bottomless reservoir of compassion, a great sense of humor... A person who has rays of sunshine coming from her almost every single day. 

Now my exterior will match my interior. Thank you, adipose layer! Thank you for protecting me from whatever my conscious & subconscious minds perceived I needed to be protected from. I love you so much because you've always been there for me. Thank you for keeping me warm. I love you, accept you, embrace you... & now I let you go. 

I don't need you anymore. You can let me fend for myself now. I am accessing other tools to help me deal with the good & bad realities of my life. I've gone through so much in my life, everything a human being could experience, I've experienced it. What is there for me to fear? Nothing. I've known all the pain a human can withstand. And here I am. 

The biggest weapon I'll take up & not ever put down is courage. I'm a Leo, & my strength is my brave heart. 

My cup overflows with happiness & gratitude that I will have a new birth day on 2/28/2012. Thank you, Universe! 

Love, GG 

Had my nuclear cardiac stress test yesterday. I was told to block 4 hours for it. Yikes! I had visions of myself running full-out on the treadmill that was set at a 45degree angle. I just prayed I could do it for a short length of time.

The reality was that I had to walk on a treadmill set at about a 30degree angle for about 5 minutes. I was huffing & puffing like a steam engine, but I passed with flying colors! wooHOO! Another step towards my 2/28/2012 surgery date.

If you want details about the nuclear stress test, hit me up!

Tomorrow I have the 3-hour seminar at my hospital. It starts at 8:30 AM. REALLY? Jees! A woman needs her beauty sleep! And get this: it lasts 'til 12 noon. Hold my head, somebody! The Hubs is going with me. I guarantee you he'll fall asleep.

Countdown has almost started darlings... The butterfly wants to emerge...

 Met with my dietician, Kelly, at a place called NUWEIGHTS. She was a doll. She gave me a thick ream of paperwork & then went over every page with me on the computer screen. 

Whew!

Last night I reread my instructions from my surgeon about what I need to do after surgery & far beyond (my whole life). I read them right before I went to sleep so they could sink in. I'm going to reread them tonight. 

Practiced chewing my food well today. I've practiced that so much in the past, along with having a drink, setting the timer for 30 minutes, waiting 'til it goes off, eating my meal (chew chew chew, put fork down, wait...), then, when I'm done, setting the timer for 30 minutes again & having a drink when it goes off. 

One thing I learned today from Kelly the dietician is that I should set the timer for 20 minutes, then proceed to eat my meal S-L-O-W-L-Y. Kelly said I should have food left on my plate, although after the surgery the portions will be tiny. So timer, tiny portions, tiny dime-sized bites, put fork down, chew chew chew, everything SLOWLY. I know I can do this, one day at a time. One meal at a time. 

Tomorrow I have a nuclear cardio stress test. Sheesh. The instructions say to block out FOUR HOURS for the test! Jees. Apropos that I'm having the heart check on Valentine's Day, huh? 

I'm gonna be SUPAFLY next Valentine's Day! Hopefully at a ski resort on the bunny slope (I've never been on skis), & then straight over to the fireside for what I'm sure will be my favorite part: apres ski! With sugar-free cocoa, of course... 

Had a great day today. Slept in (yippee! didn't have to get up at zero dark thirty to go to a doctor's appointment!). The Hubs suggested we go on a date. Pretty nice! 

This Wednesday will be the 26th anniversary of when we met. Oh LAHD. We have had a tumultuous relationship from the beginning. That's an understatement. So the fact that we went on a date (we've gone on a few since my son left for college) is a huge step forward in our lives together. 

My mood has improved exponentially since 1/25/2012 when I got approved for my RNY surgery. I have depression & have for decades. I've also been overweight since I was about 6 years old. I feel like I'm finally going to be able to live my life (you know, like the Tip & Rihanna song) when I get skinny. 

We went to see the movie The Descendants. It was poignant & timely, considering part of the plot involves a woman in a coma & how her previously-uninvolved husband was attempting to deal with her possible death, & I'm getting ready to have major surgery. I secretly hoped Ed was ruminating about that. He works long hours & has been a part-time parent some of the time. 

Afterwards, we went out for Chinese food. I ordered an egg roll, & I figure it'll be my last one. I mean, RNY notwithstanding, they aren't really good for you, right? It was freezing out (26 degrees actually) & I had about 3 layers on. I thought how great it was going to be when I can wear layers & not feel like the Michelin Man. 

This is going to be a busy week. I have appointments with my nutritionist (two, actually), mental health counselor, cardiologist (nuclear stress test), surgeon's physician's assistant, & a three-hour information seminar at the hospital with The Hubs. Whew! I've covered the gamut the past three weeks. My appointment tomorrow is in the late afternoon, so I can sleep in again! wooHOO! 

TTYL! 

Spent the day with my college-student son (19). Drove to his university & picked him up, & it was up to him to come up with the plan for our great day together. This was an extra-special day for me because it's the last time I'll see him before my surgery. He comes home for spring break on 3/2; my surgery is 2/28. 

Of course the first order of business was food. My son wanted raw oysters, which he'd never tried. I said, "Let's go for it!" We found this little fish shack on the Chesapeake Bay. I swear my son manifested that place. It was like Brigadoon: it just appeared on the horizon. I felt like I was in Florida in a little fish shack I used to go to in Bradenton (right on the Gulf) called Kingfish. My son was so happy; his eyes were sparkling. 

The server brought a half-dozen raw oysters (big'uns) that had been caught this morning in North Carolina. That boy had never had an oyster in his life & he picked up that shell, looked at it for a second, & slurped it right the heck down! He looked at me & said, "I like it." I mean it wasn't like he was trying a piece of cake or something. It was a raw oyster! You go boyy! 

My son & I were chatting about the Oscar-nominated movies. He said, "Mom, I haven't seen one nominated movie." I realized I hadn't either, so I said, let's go to see one. I looked up the nearby theaters on Fandango. The movie that worked out for us was "The Artist." Off we went!

It was joyous, fun, poignant... from start to finish. My son & I walked out of the theater overwhelmed with what a great experience it was to see that movie.

Then it was time for: dessert! Where did we go? Krispy Kreme! No shame! I figured they would be my last doughnuts. My son chose Krispy Kreme & I sure as heck didn't argue with him on that decision. 

My son wanted to do a little shopping so we stopped at one place for black tank tops (it's all about the layering in a cold climate) then it was off to Target. My son bought Cranium (love it; he plays board games with his dorm roommate & suitemates), a deck of cards (I got him Scarne's Encyclopedia of Card Games), an iTunes card (of course) & some soda pop & toiletries. Then it was back to his dorm. 

I gave my son a European kiss-kiss & made him put down his packages so he could give me a both-arms hug. He's so tall I had to reach up to hug him. Tight. 

Earlier in the day, I did talk to him forthrightly about the risks of my surgery (which he said I didn't need to have). I told him I wouldn't have been approved by Aetna if I didn't have serious health issues that can be improved or alleviated by the surgery. 

I also talked to him about the fact that there is a risk that I could die. He said, "Mom, you're going to be fine." I said, "Yes I am!" I went on to say that if I were to die, I didn't want him to let it define his life. I told him that most scientists & most of those who are spiritual agree that energy never dies, it just changes form. 

I told him not to worry, I would be happy, & that I wanted him to have a happy life no matter what he chose to do for a living. I asked him that if something did happen, I wanted him to feel the feelings - not try to numb them or supress them - & to go through the grieving process (which wouldn't last forever) & live his life to the fullest. 

So I hugged my cherished son, we told each other we loved each other, & I watched him walk into his building. My drive home was happy & I listened to my upbeat iPod music (not my before-Aetna-approval Band of Horses, Keane, Neil Young, etc.). 

I have no fear of my surgery. Everything that could happen to a human being in one's life has happened to me. What on earth is there for me to be afraid of? Nothing. 

I've traveled halfway around the world by myself; I've lost a parent; I've driven cross-country tent-camping with a 15-year-old daughter & a 2 1/2-year-old son (& no husband); I've been through the death-like agony of divorce; I've enjoyed many wonderful close friendships; I've lost a baby; I've been to every state in the union except 11; I was a single mother for 7 years; you name it. 

NO FEAR!

I GOT THIS.