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I played the Wii and Wii Fit for too long yesterday, and I'm paying for it!  Earlier today, I could barely lift my right arm (dang tennis).  The longer I sit in my chair today (desk job) the more tightened up and sore I feel.  Tonight, I'm planning on letting the kiddos play while I use the treadmill.  I can't hog the Wii everyday... but I can definitely have it all to myself after everyone else is in bed. 

I get obsessed that way... and then get burned out.  I'm trying to stay even keeled with the Wii.  It's far too expensive for me to get burned out right away!

In two words, stressed and depressed. 

I'm stressed because of work (primarily).  The company is going through a 'transformation', and I don't know if I will lose my job.  That stresses me because 1) there's not much of a job market in this area and 2) DH doesn't have a college degree or a job.  He does make money through his hobbies, but that's not enough to sustain us if I lose my job.

I'm depressed because of winter and lack of any weight loss in about 4 months.  I hate the cold of winter.  It makes me want to eat, sleep and be totally lazy.  And eat I have been doing, and not always healthy choices.  I'm sure the stall in my weight loss is due to too many carbs and not enough exercise.  Since I don't track my food intake, I can only guess that I'm also not get the right intake of calories.

So what am I going to do...
1)  Joined BOTT (back on track together) OH Group and have been loosely tracking food and exercise on the daily discussion
2)  Continue attending the Bay City Support Group
3)  Set mini-goals and achieve them

In a recent entry, I wished that I would get sick from sugar.  Tonight at dinner, I got sick.  I had grilled venison, green beans, and a little alfredo noodles.  But wait... there's more.  I went on to have a couple chocolates and a bite of ice cream.  That's when I lost it, literally.  I can't say for sure it was the sweets, because I also didn't feel good last time I had venison (cooked in the crock pot). 

I've recovered, and I will be hitting the treadmill as soon as I close this entry.

On the BOTT group discussion board, I posted about building determination.  The excerpt came from a series on food addiction.  I found it very insightful and motivating.  The guides for handling emotional eating build on what my therapist taught.  Acknowledge the behavior.  Make your decision and act on it.  (Hopefully, only eating when actually hungry.)  Don't feel guilt or beat your self up, but regret and remorse can lead to better choices next time.  I consider it becoming mature about my food feelings.  Taking responsibility and taking control!

Lets see what tomorrow brings...

I wish that I would get really sick from sugary foods!  ...like I get sick from greasy foods. 

For lunch, I had leftover 'sticky chicken' and sauted veggies.  I knew the veggies had too much EVOO on them, but I ate them anyway.   Now, I'm suffering.  I think it will pass without much drama, but still... 

After eating like a pig over the holidays, I have commited to getting back into a better, more normal routine.  After noticing Pam joined the Back On Track Together group, I checked it out, and I joined.  For January, I have commited to kick grazing to the curb.  Over the holidays, snacks were plentiful and accessible.  I got into the habit of eating without thinking. 

In the past, I would have just quit after gaining 'holiday pounds', but not this year!  There is no quiting - only accepting and moving on.  I still feel in control for the most part.  I know I can do this.  Being at a stall for so long (months) is disheartening, but I'm not going to let it sabatoge future success.  I'm not done losing weight!

Today, I feel Ok about my food choices (so far).  I did good yesterday, until late night, so today I vow to do better.  I also commit to 30 minutes on the treadmill.

This was a comment I left in response to Pam's post:

Major pigging out going on here, too!!! I can't count how many sugar cookies loaded with frosting I have eaten, or the pumpkin custard, or the tons of other carbs and junk food I've crammed into my mouth over the last week. I was so afraid to weigh myself, but I finally did. I was up to 212. It could be partially due to all the sodium (ham) that I consumed, but I'll own up to it all. It's a good thing I left all the goodies at the parent's! But dang it, I just made 2 more desserts. Good thing I've been working out! No matter... I'll be back in the groove soon. Just as I'm sure you will be!   (End Post)


I'm frankly tired of all the grazing and (not smart) eating that I have been doing, and I'm ready to get back to 'the good stuff'.
With that in mind, I'm concerned that I (and my family) have not learned enough over the past year when it comes to making healthy food choices.  Sure, we have changed some, but I have my doubts as to whether or not it is enough (to help me be successful). 

Lets plan for a successful 2009!
 

Christmas has come and gone, and I survived...  No throwing up, no sickness (from foods anyway), and I'm still in my weight range.  I weighed myself today, and I'm 212.  For months, I have been bouncing around between 208 and 214.  Given all of the salty ham and meats I've been eating, it would seem to reason that I'd put on at least water weight.  And with all the sugar, it would also stand to reason that I could gain a few holiday pounds.  To balance it all out, I've been really good about drinking my water.  I've also got on the treadmill (only once or twice, but still better than nothing). 

I'm not stressing.  Normal people overindulge and gain a few pounds during the holidays.  And just like normal people, I realize this style of eating is only temporary, and I'll get back to my routine.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about staying at this weight and what that would mean to me.  I don't want to stay this weight, but could I be happy if I do?  My goal is still set at 180.  If I could reach that in the next 6 months, I'd be very pleased.  If I stay where I'm at, I will be disappointed... even knowing how much I've lost.

Today is my 1 year surgiversary.  That year went by very quickly.  I can very clearly remember being in the hospital anxiously awaiting my surgery last December. 

Before I get to rambling on about what has happened in the last year, I've got to note that my doc called with the results of my redraw.  My thiamine is now in the normal range.  Apparently, it was a little high last time, but no one bothered to mention it.  I also got the results of my ultrasound.  The gallbladder looks fine.  I still suspect I may have had a small gallstone that passed.  My pancreas and thyroid are also fine.

Back to rambling...

Last Christmas, I was one week post-op.  I looked lovely at the family Christmas all wrapped up in my surgery binder.  I was surviving on fat stores and liquids, but I was happy.  I knew my life could only get better. 

The weight came off rapidly at first, as expected.  How exciting!  It was difficult to figure out what I could tolerate and how much I could tolerate.  The worst part was crushing pills those first 6 weeks.  YUCK!

Then came the first stricture in February.  I had no clue what was going on - only that it seemed I could eat less instead of more.  Eventually, I couldn't even keep water down and the air was having a difficult time making it through the stoma, too.  I visited the local ER and got some fluids, a temporary fix.  Then I ended up at the Hurley ER where they figured I had a stricture.  I was admitted and had a 3 day stay.  Dr. Al Madani was wonderful and brought me instant relief with the scope and dialation.  I didn't know I would be back to see him so soon... only 2 weeks later, I had to have another.  The third time was a charm, and I haven't had any stricture issues since then.

In the days prior to surgery, I bought a very expensive treadmill.  I was very faithful with my exercise... in the beginning.  I started out really slow, literally, and progressed thankfully.  I can now do 30 minutes without a care, if only I made time for myself.  The bad habit of catering to everyone else is a difficult one to let go.  Call it mother guilt or just making excuses.  There were softball games and practices and then volleyball, amongst 4-H and other kid activities - all taking up my time.  On the few days that I have no other commitments, I'm either exhausted or just plain lazy.  I haven't given up completely and still make it on the treadmill - although occasionally versus consistently.  I have faith that I will get back into it as I find that it is imperative to continuing my transformation back into 'the old me'.  I used to love going to the gym, joining aerobics classes, spending all my free time biking or walking.  Maybe as my kids get less and less dependent on me, I will find myself once again doing those things on a regular basis.  For now, I'm living with the struggle to fit in exercise.

Food and associated habits could easily be the hardest part.  Early out, I was very good about choosing the foods I ate.  But in all honesty, that was because I simply didn't have much choice.  My body did not tolerate much.  I felt relieved that I no longer thought about food 24/7.  Food was not what got me through those days.  It was amazing to me that I could carry a granola bar in my purse for weeks without wanting to eat it just because I knew it was available.  Unfortunately, that doesn't last forever.  In the recent weeks/months, I've noticed some of my old food habits resurfacing.  My best defense at this point has been to acknoledge that it is a habit and not a requirement and to adjust my actions... there has been the mindless eating/boredom eating, stress eating (although not even close in frequency as pre-op), movie eating, social eating... all of these things are not bombarding me on a daily basis, but if I let them, they will! 

A big adjustment for me is trying to do things on a schedule - particularly my supplements and meals.  I'm the type of person that hates commitments and schedules, and I rarely make promises.  That type of attitude just doesn't work post-RNY.  I need to commit to my supplements.  I need to commit to eating all meals.  I need to schedule these things or they simply won't happen.  During the week, I'm very good about getting in my supplements because I sit at a desk all day and those things are readily available to me.  On the weekends, I sleep in, or I'm out the door at the crack of dawn.  That sets me up for failure in terms of getting in all supplements.  And if I'm not at home, that sets me up for not eating proper meals.   I have also learned that not getting in a steady supply of protein makes me tired, sick and cranky... not to mention it makes me crave carbs like crazy and doesn't help with my hair situation.

Oh, the hair situation... Pre-WLS, I hated getting my picture taken, because I hated facing my weight - right there in color for all to see and remember... and to compare and judge.  Post-WLS, I went through a period where I'd ask for my picture to be taken... If for nothing else than to confirm that I was losing weight.  I knew what the scale said, but my mind could not grasp it.  I would see myself in mirrors at stores and not recognize myself, seriously weird.  Then I started to get used to the new me (or the old me).  I would say, I'm back to looking like I did when...(whatever the event or year).  After taking off 13 years worth of weight gain and being at my marriage weight, a switch has flipped in my brain.  Suddenly, I'm back to thinking this isn't good enough.  I'm back to "if I were only skinny or weighted 150".  That is not how I expected to think once I got to this stage.  For months, I've been saying how it is so nice to feel 'normal' again.  And now, normal is not good enough.  What's up with that?  Have I taken for granted where I was and how far I've come in a year???  I feel guilty when these thoughts pop in my head.  I definitely need to recalibrate my thinking!  But back to my initial point...   Now, I hate getting my picture taken because I hate my thin hair and balding head.  I also don't like that no matter how I think an outfit looks on me, it never looks quite as good in pictures.   That ruins it for me.  How can I fix my brain???  How can I accept me for me???

One more rambling, and then I'll get back to work (maybe).  It is so uplifting when people notice how much weight I have lost.  My husband and kids can't stop hugging me, calling me boney... and friends referring to me as skinny.  Even if I'm not skinny, I get their point.  I have lost a lot of weight - slightly over 100 pounds or the equivalent of a small person.  Wow!  But in true fashion, that can't be good enough.  Why does it seem that I can't lose any more?  Will I ever lose more?  Can I be happy at 208 pounds?  And dang it, how can they think this is an accomplishment instead of just accepting that I finally got off the weight I should have never gained in the first place!  I am so critical of myself.  Will I ever get past that shame and guilt?

May I come back here a year from now and still have these thoughts... instead of saying "how could I let myself regain that 100 plus pounds!"  Habits and thinking must change.  That is my goal for the next year.  (I have my work cut out for me!)

I had my 12 month check up a little early... as in yesterday.  (I wish I could have had it on the 18th.)

Weigh-in:  209.7
Total Lost:  109.3
% of Excess Lost:  60%
Overall Health:  Great!
BP:  119/66

First, I talked to the nurse, Kaye, and she said I was doing great.  Then I talked with the PA, Kristi, and heard the same.  I mentioned to both that I had heart palpitations earlier this week, and I believed they were my personal symptoms for dumping.  They thought it to be the same.  (I had eaten cookie dough and cookies prior to the first episode and the second came after a party where I sampled goodies.)  Kristi listened to my heart and said it sounded OK. 

Then I talked to Devora and discussed how I was stuck in a rut with my eating.  She gave me a pep talk and also some meal ideas. 

All-in-all, it was a normal check up.  The downside was that my labs were not there in time.  To top it off, I had gotten a call from the lab saying they messed up my vitamin (send-out) labs, and I need to get a redraw.  I'll have to talk to the nutritionist once I get this all straightened out, and they have my results. 

I'll write an official 1-year update on or around my surgery date.  Stay tuned...

Tonight, I'm just bashing my head against the wall (not literally).  My mood was brought on by no movement on the scale, bad food choices, comments by family and my own stupidity!

Thanksgiving didn't go the way I had hoped.  First, I tried to eat healthy, but the turkey was making me sick.  I dabbled in some unhealthy treats, which went down much easier.  Later in the day, I ate some cheese and crackers, which helped... but only until late at night when the cravings hit.  I helped myself to more unhealthy treats... and again the next day.  Good thing, I left all of that behind when I finally headed home.

On Thanksgiving day, I threw up.  Then on Friday, I did it again.  It wasn't just 'feedback'... perhaps something I ate?  my body paying me back?

My weight has been bouncing around between 208 and 214 (still!!!!).  I'm so frustrated and mad at myself.  Others have tried to help out... like my Mom asking if a particular food I was buying was OK for me... or my DD telling me I've had enough to eat.  Was it my stubborness, stupidity or just plain old human weakness that leads me to continue eating things I know I shouldn't???

Tonight, all of that mess is weighing heavily on my brain.  I reread the paper I have on RNY Failure, and I was trying to find some healthy recipes.  I need help... I feel so lost when it comes to eating healthy.  I know protein (meats, beans, cheese, etc.)... But how do I keep coming up with food that is interesting and fun to eat while meeting my nutritional needs?  I suck at it!!!!!!!!!!  I'm not creative or a great cook.  If someone could serve me the right foods all day, I'd be set.  Unfortunately, both my husband and I are so resistent to change (when it matters).  He does most of the shopping and cooking, and he hasn't really put any effort into making healthier choices.

I have gotten the point where I am seriously doubting whether or not I'm going to be successful in the long-term.  I have my 12-month visit coming up, and I'm going to have to spill my guts to the PA and NUT.  And I need to call the therapist tomorrow and schedule an appointment.  My last appointment was cancelled, and I should have rescheduled... but I'm considering finding someone else.  I just don't know how to go about finding someone in my area with a specialty in bariatric care or eating disorders.  Did I fail to mention a lot of my old thinking (about food) and my old habits are slowly resurfacing?

I'm scared and feel lost, depressed... Have I learned anything?  Where will I go from here?

Flat out, I'm depressed today.  Blame it on the weather or blame it on my weight loss.  It's a rainy day (which always means a bad hair day for me), and I've gained more than a couple pounds.  I'm back at 214.  It started with my Florida vacation, went through Halloween and has continued.  "IT" is my bad decision making when it comes to food.  When on vacation, I grazed all day on a mix of healthy food, (bad) carbs and other junk.  Then came Halloween, and I was eating mini candy bars and Mike and Ikes.  After that, I was back into baking up a storm and eating cookies and pie.  The pie made me sick, so it only took a few bites to make me realize pie is not for me.  The cookies on the other hand do not affect me.  For sure, I have a high tolerance for sugar (NOT GOOD!).  And exercise has gone completely out the window.  I haven't been on my treadmill in weeks.  I vow to get back on the treadmill sometime this week, but it is so difficult with kid activities and trying to help them with schoolwork.  To top it off, deer season starts which means I'm essentially a single parent for the next couple of weeks.