Heavens2Betsy

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I just want to remember this comment I posted...

Most importantly, for me, it's all about honesty.  I struggle with being 100% honest and accurate with every bite that goes in my mouth every single frickin' day.   Over the years of struggling with my weight, I've gotten so used to hiding what I eat, believing that it didn't matter if I eat whatever I want, and I just plain gave up on caring about my health and I lived that way for more years than I've tried to be healthy.  Plus, I have the "Because I Deserve It" mindset.  I reward myself with food and can justify a reward for myself for almost ANY reason any time.  It's been a struggle for me almost every day.  I also love pushing limits - always have and I have to be careful that I don't see my WLS as a challenge to see how much I can eat and still lose weight (what a mess).  Can't afford to do that anymore!  

But, I'm getting better at being honest and accurate. I'm learning to track every bite in MFP, I'm forcing myself to admit on MFP when I mess up, I say exactly what is was and why (most of the time - I'm still struggling with this).  My goal is to be sure that happens 100% of the time.  It's hard work, it feels embarassing sometimes.  I'm seeing a counselor to learn how to deal with this and I see a psychiatrist for anti-depressant meds, too.  It's working, I'm learning how to be accountable despite stress, despite the rewards I think I deserve, despite my old patterns.  

I've been pushing myself to drink more water and I'm at 64 oz. today.  I've been stalled for this entire month and it's been bugging me more and more each day.  I'm also being very careful with my food too - not eating too many carbs and I'm going to have a protein drink as my evening snack to get all my protein in for today.  I see my shrink on Thursday, I think the depression is getting a little worse.  I've been thinking about how I've been living with a scarcity mindset for too long now, and I have to reset my thoughts somehow to find a place of abundance within.  I've been holding things too closely too the vest, trying to protect.... what?  Myself from the unknown, the uncertainties of life, I guess.  Trying to keep juggling all these stinky balls that are the circumstances of my life.  Trying to freshen them up - and WLS is a big step in doing that.

YEA!  I'm losing again!  2 days in a row, I've lost a pound a day.  I was trying not to panic over being stalled.  I was kinda hoping I'd suddenly drop like 5 pounds, but at least things are headed in the right direction now.

Last night it started with having to get to the bathroom quickly.  Then this morning I wake up early and that sense of urgency is definitely back - UGH!  I call the Dr. first thing this morning and they do yet another UA.  I pee in the cup and it's definitely got blood in it.  I've been off the frickin' antibiotics for a week!  So, they put me back on the antibiotic and say they're going to send me for a CT scan with contrast.  The Dr. said that after WLS I'm at a higher risk for kidney stones and it's possible that there's a small stone that is stuck in there someplace and it is surrounded by infection.  The infection kinda goes away when the antibiotic is present and recurs when it's not, but the stone stays in place.  Even though I'm not having an pain, nausea, or fever it could still be a kidney stone.  UGH!!!  I'll know more after the CT scan.  They want to do the CT while I'm still on the antibiotics, so that's gotta happen within the next 10 days.  Great...

Yup, I'm in a stall - 5 weeks out and it's stopped.  Still at 319, not eating any carbs, still drinking my water and getting in my protein.  This week I'm back to the gym and water aerobics class.   I suspect it's just my body resting and healing after going thru so much stress of surgery, recovery and reduced calories.  I'm not getting on the scale again till next week.  We'll see how it goes!  My DD is on spring break this week, so we're going to spend a night at the Great Wolf Lodge near us - indoor water park, so that should be fun.  We have to board our dog, but she hasn't been to the vet recently, so we have to get that done first.  Plus, I'm supposed to see my therapist tomorrow too.   My DD's having a friend over tomorrow, and I promised DD we'd go get mani-pedi's to celebrate her getting her first period last month.  Maybe we can do the mani-pedi's at the Lodge?  Hmmmm...

I discovered a way to get more water in me!   I got an unsweet tea from McDonald's today (plus a grilled chicken snack wrap that I pulled off probably 1/2 the tortilla), and later I noticed that the big cup of tea was just about gone.  I think it was because I couldn't see inside the cup.  I didn't know how much was left.  So, I tested this theory tonight and put my water in a big metal travel mug.  I got my water down pretty easily!   Hmmm....  I think I'll stick with this one.

OK, so I had to test it out, didn't I?  I figured out what dumping feels like and.... OUCH!  I had 6 jelly beans.  I thought I was gonna die.  It was like the worst gas pains ever.  I could rest my hand on my tummy and feel it cramping up.  It lasted about 45 minutes, there were moments when I could barely breath.     Thanksfully, chamomile tea and some mindful relaxation helped a little bit.  Happy Easter!

My daughter will be 13 next month, and she wanted to dye her hair.  I've dyed her hair before, a bright red and it worked out fine.  Now she wanted to go back to her natural color which is a dark brown.  So, thinking I was being smart, I bought 3 boxes of color to be sure I could get it all - she has very long, very thick hair.  Well, guess what... it wasn't enough!  Her hair is now about 80% dark brown (she says it's black) with lovely blotches of red showing through.  oops!   So, the hair salon opens at 9 AM tomorrow.  We'll be there first thing to get this fixed.  Oh the joys of motherhood!

At least I feel like my pouch is healing better now.  I can almost drink like a regular person, not just these tiny sips, which is such a relief!  I was afraid I would always have to drink tiny amounts.  This is so much better!

Ugh!  So, now I have a UTI, have to call the dr. in the morning.  I'm not happy, but I guess not terribly surprised seing how things have been going this past week.

Of poop.  I had diahrea so bad that I couldn't make it all the way from the living room to the bathroom.  What a huge mess - thank God for my hubby!  He cleaned up everything by the time I was done in the bathroom and shower.  He was so reassuring, kind and loving thru the whole embarassing mess.  I'm so glad I nabbed a few of the hospital piddle pads and have kept them on my chair.  Also, chicken queso soup - pureed with extra unflavored protein powder - is a no go.  I think it must have had too much fat for me, and that's what caused this.  Lesson learned.  Ugh - I'm exhausted now.