Jean M.

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That trade show in NY was a total waste of time & money, as I had suspected.  I will tell my client it's not worth attending next year. It is so frustrating to go all that way for nothing.

The drive home from Memphis yesterday afternoon was miserable - pouring rain and poor visibility.  I thought I would never get home.  When I finally got in at 4:30 pm, V. had just gotten home from work and the dogs were all overexcited at having both of us arrive at the same time and wouldn't get out from underfoot.  V. and I got into an argument over supper because I was so hungry and irritable.  I had planned to make tofu and broccoli and he said not to bother, he would have leftover chili (1 serving left of it).  I heard myself screaming, "Well, I'm cooking the tofu, I have to have something to eat, I'm starving!"  He stomped out of the room and we didn't speak to each other for 10 minutes.  Welcome home.  I am so vile when I'm too hungry.  Fortunately for me, V. is really good-natured and all was back to normal soon.  I cooked the tofu and broccoli and felt so much better afterwards.

I had thought I did pretty well while eating in NY, except for the splurge of having an apple martini yesterday afternoon.  But when I got on the scale this morning (since I'm seeing my surgeon later this morning), I had gained 1.5 lbs.  Very discouraging.

On top of it all, I feel like I'm getting a cold.

Today I'm leaving for a trade show in New York and will come home on Monday.  I don't think the show will be worth the trip, but my client wants me to go, so I'm going.   The only hotel I could get was the Marriott Marquis Times Square, which I hate because it's so huge and busy, like a small city filled with ants.

Thankfully the eating has been a bit easier for the past day or so.  I've decided my band is too tight and will ask Dr. A. for a slight unfill when I see him on Tuesday.  I love losing weight this fast (9 lbs since 2/4/08) but not if I have to suffer to do it.

I saw my counselor on Thursday and told her what a hard time I'm having coming off the Valium.  She said my sleep problems, increased anxiety, and excess sweating could definitely be related to diazepam withdrawal.  I see my PCP next week and will ask if if he can give me anything to help with the withdrawal.  My counselor said that on the inpatient unit, the hospital gives you Tegretol.  It's an anticonvulsant.  I hate to take yet another medication but this withdrawal is really miserable and hard to tolerate.  I've been taking Melatonin but it's not helping the sleep yet.

My back has been bothering me as well.  I saw my chiropractor yesterday for an emergency adjustment, felt better for about 2 hrs, then was back to hurting.  I think my spine is having a hard time adjusting to my weight loss.  I'm going to ask my PCP about this also next week.

This afternoon I fell asleep several times while reading, which my mom was quick to note and worry about.  I explained that I haven't been sleeping well.  Ever since I cut back to a 1/4 dose of the Valium, I've been sleeping for an hour and then waking up and not able to get back to sleep.  On the advice of an OH member, I bought some Melatonin this morning and will give that a try tonight.

Mom only stayed here for 4 hours today.  We had lunch together and at 4:00 pm she announced she wanted to go back to her assisted living facility because she was feeling tired and out of sorts.  But in general her health seems better since she started the physical therapy sessions that her doctor ordered.  She's able to get up out of chairs, in/out of the car, and maneuver her walker better now.

It took longer for Dr. Argotte to prepare to remove my mole than to actually remove it.  The worst part was the painful shot of lidocaine.  He was charming and entertaining while he worked.  It's the longest I've ever spent with him except for while I was anesthetized during surgery.  His nurse was asking him about the suturing technique he was using and it developed that he had gotten the "Top Gun" Award at a training session for laparascopic technique.  I go back to have the stitches removed and find out the biopsy results in 10 days.

I ordered a dress from Jessica London to take with me to St. Lucia because the dinnertime dress code in one of the restaurants is dressy.  I carefully took my measurements before ordering it and couldn't believe the chart said I should order a Large.  I thought it ought to be XL but took a chance an ordered a Large.

I have the blahs.  I have had so much going on in  my life for the past year with my legal struggles with my brother and my property in NY, taking care of my mother, trying (and failing) to move my aunt down here, and having lap-band surgery, that I must  have become an adrenaline junkie.  Now that things have quieted down, I feel dull and uninterested.  I am still thrilled with my surgey and the resulting weight loss and health improvements.  I think I went into the surgery with realistic expectations: didn't expect the surgery to miraculously improve my life.  But now that I have lost 57.5 lbs, the initial excitement over the surgery is past.  And I'm not getting the comfort and entertainment from food that I used to get.

Today I have to see Dr. Argotte so he can remove a suspicious-looking mole from my abdomen that ne noticed the last time he gave me a fill.  While I'm there, I'm going to make an appt. for a follow-up visit with the psychologist who did my pre-op evaluation.  The follow-up visit was included in the program fee that I paid up front.  I haven't used the visit yet because I'm in counseling with a wonderful psych. social worker every 2 weeks who has a lot of experience with people with eating disorders.  But why not follow up with Dr. Argotte's psychologist too?

I've decided I need a vacation.  V. doesn't want to go on one because he's saving $ for a new truck, a perfectly good reason.  I travel so much on business that staying home during downtimes has never bothered me, but now that I work at home instead of in an office, I feel like I need a change of scenery.  So I booked a 4-night stay just for me at The Body Holiday in St. Lucia in end March/early April.  It's an all-inclusive resort with the usual Caribbean activities plus it includes 3 body treatments (massage, facial, body scrub, etc.) and all kinds of fitness classes like water aerobics, regular aerobics, yoga, etc.  I'm really looking forward to it.  I ordered some new bathing suits from Lands End and bought a pair of size 16 khaki pants, size L khaki shorts, and 2 size XL tee shirts at the Goodwill Store for about $10 total.  Now all I need are sunscreen and insect repellant and I'm ready to go!

At the sensible suggestion of someone on the band forum, I called Dr. Nuako's office and left a message for him about the Osmoprep not working.  He returned the call about 3 min. later.  He thinks I'm not drinking enough liquid!  I must have had 128 oz. of liquids today (twice my usual)!  Anyway, he said if the 2nd course of tablets doesn't move me, to go to Wal-Mart and get a bottle of magnesium citrate.  And if THAT doesn't work, I should go to his office at 7:00 am instead of 9:30 am tomorrow and they'll give me an enema.  This is a relief.  Not that I want an enema, but at least the colonoscopy won't have to be postponed after another danged day of clear liquids.

Today I have been on a clear liquid diet in preparation for a colonoscopy at 9:30 am tomorrow.  For bowel prep, I'm doing the Osmoprep tablets I've taken for past colonoscopies (pre lap band) with no problems.  I did the first course of tablets from 5-6 pm.  It's 8:08 pm now and my bowels still haven't moved!  I take the 2nd course of pills from 9-9:45 pm.  They better do the trick or I'm going to have to drive to Wal-Mart at midnight to buy some enemas.  It would be extremely aggravating to do a day of clear liquids and then have to have the colonoscopy postponed because my bowels aren't cleaned out.

I took Tanis to the airport on Sunday a.m., got her checked in, got her a wheelchair, and walked with  her to the security checkpoint.  Later in the day, she called V. to report that she had arrived safely in Boston.  Thank God that's done.

After leaving Tanis at the airport, I checked into the Radisson Hotel at the airport and spent the day in complete, blissful peace and quiet, reading a novel by Minette Walters.  At 8 am on Monday, I met my friend/client Elaine and her associate Emily, who are visiting from Hong Kong, for breakfast.  Made the mistake of eating a piece of bacon, which promptly got stuck.  After breakfast, we checked out (Elaine paid for my hotel room, bless her) and went shopping.  I got 2 beautiful tops at Kohl's in ladies size XL (I used to wear 2X).  Then we went to a factory outlet mall near Memphis and just for yucks, I tried on some Lee jeans because the size 18's I've only been wearing for a week or so seemed kind of baggy.  To my delight, I fit into size 16!  And these are regular jeans with NO elastic at the waist.  I was so happy, I bought 2 pair, one black, one blue.  I can't remember the last time I wore size 16 anything.  Probably 20 years.

When we got to Union City, we dropped Emily off at the Hampton Inn and went to visit my mother.  Elaine brought her 2 boxes of Sees chocolates (Mom loves chocolate) and listened patiently to Mom complain about Tanis.  The Chinese are very respectful of the elderly.  Mom, who is not the affectionate type, gave Elaine 2 hugs!

That night, V. and I took Elaine out to eat to celebrate her 51st birthday while Emily went shopping at Wal-Mart.  I had grilled salmon and it was too dry and got stuck.  After dinner, we came back to our house and Elaine and I talked for a few hours about 2 customers of hers that could use my help.  One customer I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole (my former boss).  The other one sounds manageable and I'm going to contact him today.  I desperately need the additional income another client would provide.

Elaine gave me a box of sugar-free chocolates.  After I took her back to the Hampton Inn, I ate one of them and realized immediately that it is just as easy to binge on sugar-free chocolates as regular ones and threw the rest of them out.

We had an ice-storm last night and my car is frozen shut, so I doubt I'll be able to go to Curves today and it's too slippery to go for a walk.  I had also planned to take Mom to Wal-Mart to get her eyeglasses adjusted (they are too tight) today, but no way can I take her out in weather like this.

My aunt Tanis hates living here, can think of nothing positive to say about the people, the landscape, the houses, the stores, the doctors, or anything else about it.  She lives in a tiny rural town with no crime, about 1 block from the police station, and says she is in fear of her life all the time.

But the #1 headline in today's local paper states that our county ranked #4 in Progressive Farmer Magazine's annual "Best Places to Live in Rural America"!  Counties were ranked based on rural quality-of-life indicators such as great schools, access to health care, low crime, affordable farmland, and a good balance of agriculture, manufacturing, and modern conveniences.

V. wants me to show the article to Tanis, but I think it would be wasted on her.  Rural life is obviously not her cup of tea!

I used to think I was a patient person, but Tanis is really testing my limits.  Yesterday morning I went over to her apartment to make all the calls to cancel her utilities (because I thought the utility co's might want Tanis's permission to speak to me).  I called her before I left the house, but she waited until I got there to tell me she had run out of bottled water (she refuses to drink the tap water here), so I had to make an extra trip to the grocery store to get her more water.  Then when I was on the phone with the various utility companies, she kept talking at me.  Well, I can only talk to one person at a time and I found myself ready to snap at her.

This morning I had to take her to the bank to fill out the form to wire transfer her money back to her bank in Massachusetts.  That was a major ordeal for her because she just can't believe the local bank is competent enough to do it properly.  I had asked her to bring her Mass. account checkbook with her because the checks have the bank routing number on them (required for the wire transfer), but she didn't believe me about the routing number and left the checks at home, so the bank here had to call the Mass. bank to get the routing number.  In the middle of all this, Tanis suddenly said mournfully, "Oh, how I wish I had a cup of coffee."  The customer service rep pointed out the free coffee they offer so I had to get Tanis a cup of coffee.  Then we got out to the car and she couldn't manage her coffee cup, bank papers, and handbag, so I had to hold everything while she got in the car, at which point she lost interest in the longed-for coffee and wanted to get rid of it.  I made her wait until we got to Walgreens, where I had to drop off some prescriptions and she wanted to buy Poise pads.  But Walgreens didn't have small packages of Poise pads, so we had to go to Wal-Mart.  There she rejected all the choices as not being the right size.  I asked her which one she wanted, found the right package, and handed it to her.  "No, this says 'serviettes'" she said.  "'Serviettes is just French for 'pads'," I said.  "Oh, I thought it meant it was for small people," she replied.  On our way to the registers, she started complaining about having to know French in order to buy Poise pads in Tennessee!  I was about to point out that the packaging on consumer products in Tennessee is the same as in Massachusetts, but gave up.  Finally we got back to her apartment and she started worrying about where in the airport in Boston her friend Kim should meet her on Sunday afternoon.  Should they meet at the security checkpoint (my recommendation) or at the baggage carrousel (her idea)?  It's been years since I flew through Boston so I told her to call Kim and let Kim pick a place to meet.  "But what if I can't find her?" Tanis said anxiously.  "Then ask the person who's pushing your wheelchair to have Kim paged to meet you somewhere," I said.  Then she got upset because her printed Northwest Airlines itinerary doesn't say wheelchair assistance on it.  "Your itinerary for your trip down here didn't say wheelchair assistance on it either, and you got a wheelchair, didn't you?" I said.  I reassured her that when I take her to the airport on Sunday, I will make sure she gets a wheelchair and the Northwest agent will make sure that wheelchair assistance is in the computer so she'll be met by one in Boston.  Then she started worrying about her social security direct deposit, which just got switched to the bank here.  I gave her the phone number for Social Security and told her to call them with the Mass. bank name, account #, and routing #.  I showed her the routing # on her checks and told her that until S.S. gets caught up with the revised bank info, the deposits will be safe here in Tenn. and that I will send her the money later (the local account is in both our names).  She started to cry and said she didn't know how she was going to get through all this.  By this point, I felt like screaming, "This is was your own damned idea and you WILL get through it!"  But I didn't.  I just told her I had to get going and to call me if she needs anything (praying that she doesn't call).

About 20 min. ago, she called me to report that the wire transfer had made it safely to her Mass. bank and that she talked to Social Security and thinks she has the direct deposit all taken care of.  "That's great!" I said brightly.  She seemed almost disappointed that these transactions had gone so well.  I don't know how she can stand living while expecting the worst outcome out of every situation.  When V. came home from work, I told him that I had thought my mom was high-maintenance, but she is NOTHING compared to Tanis.  V. said, "And this has only been going for a few weeks.  Can you imagine what it would be like to go through this kind of stuff with her for years on end?"

I told my hairdresser some of this while I was getting a manicure this afternoon and she said, "So is Tanis still your favorite aunt?"  "Yes," I said, "but she's right on the edge now."

God only knows what I will be like when I'm 84, but I sure hope for the sake of my family that I'll be more resilient than Tanis.

My daily walks, and having the support of V. and the OH message boards are what's keeping me sane throughout all this.  Pre-band, I would've been dealing with it by overeating.  That's not an option any more.

So that Tanis could watch the Superbowl today, we had our family day yesterday insteady of today (usually family day is Sunday).  I worked most of the day, getting caught up with what had piled up while I was in Las Vegas and the work that resulted from the trip.  Tanis & Mom chatted and petted the dogs.  Tanis told Mom she's going back to Boston on 2/10/08 and rather than saying (as I had feared), "I knew this move was a bad idea!", Mom just said she would support Tanis in her decision.  Later, after I dropped Tanis at her apartment and was taking Mom back to the assisted living facility, Mom said she was relieved that Tanis is leaving.  I think she finds Tanis's neediness draining.  Mom was very frail & slow yesterday, but she seemed in better spirits than she had been before I went to Las Vegas.

V. is glad Tanis is leaving.  Her negativity has been getting to him.  I guess I'm glad too if it'll make her happy and lighten my load.

Anyway, I finally had a quiet day today.  Spent time on the OH boards, paid bills, made Valentine's Day cards, and read for a while.  I needed this downtime.

Tomorrow I will get weighed and measured at Curves and am hoping I didn't gain weight or get stalled as a result of my restaurant dining in Las Vegas.  I rely so much on weighing, measuring, and logging all my food intake.  I think I did OK with the restaurant eating but I didn't feel entirely in control.  Working the band has definitely brought out the control freak in me.

At lunchtime today I got stuck on some reheated salmon that must've been too dry and had to stop eating after only 3 bites.  Man do I hate getting stuck.  Made roast chicken for supper and overcooked it (don't know how, the thermometer said it was perfect).  This time I got that ominous feeling of pressure in my chest and stopped eating immediately before getting stuck again.