Self reflecting

Jan 18, 2009

So I'm sitting here on this cold miserable winter day, and just felt like writing. (typing as it were lol) I was thinking about how far ive come since my surgery, and how far I have to go... and i'm feeling kind of down. I have officially lost over a hundred pounds, and I am so, so darn happy about that. But then I start thinking about how much more weight I have to loose. And I am so scared that I am going to fail. I have so many people in my like that are watching.. and some of them i'm sure are expecting, maybe even hoping, that I don't make it. Im trying so hard, and... well I'm terrified that this is as far as I'll go. I'm only four months out, so I know that I have a long way ahead of me, and the journey is scary... I feel every day that I'm not making the right choices.. and I feel guilty every time I eat. I'm not exercising like I should, and its always one excuse after the other. We got a treadmill, and got out of breath so fast and my heart was beating like no tomorrow... and that's the way it should be. But for some reason it scared me! It made me see myself for what I had let myself become, an overweight, out of shape frumpy woman. And it saddens me. I don't know what to do to motivate myself to get up and break a sweat every day. And its sad because I HAVE come so far. I know that I am self sabotaging myself in a way, because I know that these first six months are really the most important, when the loosing is the greatest. And I have such a huge amount to loose. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. My fiance is overweight as well, and he will have moments where he will work out and focus on his health, and its great, but within a few days he slips back into old habits, and once again I'm alone and frustrated and un-motivated. I'm not trying to blame it on him of coarse. I'm a grown woman, and responsible for myself. I just feel so alone that I get down at time. I wouldn't say I'm depressed... just have the blues. I'm starting to doubt myself. If anyone has any comments or anything please feel free. Thanks for listening to my rant!!

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