KittyKarin

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So this Friday, I was working and I got a call from the surgeon I have been working with here in Jacksonville.  I had my doubts that I wanted to go through with everything because of some extra tests I felt like I was being required to take but wasn't sure why.  I was waiting to hear back from one of the patient advocates about the tests but this call was from someone in my surgeon's office. They wanted to schedule my next appointment to talk about the tests. Fine, that's not a problem.  Appointment is on November 8th. Well, then not even an hour later I get a call back from my patient advocate. They submitted the paperwork to my insurance and I was APPROVED! I didn't even know that they were going to submit the stuff until after i talked with the doctor.  So I was gobsmacked to say the least. I was so excited and called my husband and then my mom and told a few of my close friends.  I could barely concetrate the rest of the day on my work (which wasn't good because I had a big meeting that afternoon and it didn't go that well).

Anyway, this weekend has been two days of up and down emotions.  I am so excited and happy one moment, scared to death the next and then sad and confused.  I am worried about so many things. Worried about the money and bills that will come from this surgery and all the things associated with it.  I'm worried about my family not being able to give me the support I need and my husband not coming through to really help my in the way I need. I'm worried about not being able to lose all the weight that I want and gaining it back even after this surgery.  There are just so many concerns right now.

This should be a super happy time for me right now but with work and my husband and stepkids and stress, I am not letting myself fully enjoy it.  Ugh, Sunday nights always get me down. Especially when I have work issues waiting on me and my husband is pouting. :-(

I took that first step a year ago and then i sat down and took a nap. Now I am awake and finally started the process again a few weeks ago.  I am so ready to make this change and to feel healthy again.  I am out of breath constantly and sometimes even walking outside with my husband or into the store feels like a horrible effort.  That's so sad to me.  I am 30 years old and I feel 300.  I miss feeling pretty and enjoying fashion and accessories.  I rarely get dressed up anymore and i don't ever feel completely comfortable in my clothes.  I want to make a list of reasons why I want to do this and continue on my weight loss journey.

1. I want to be able to fly on a plane again without having to stuff myself into the seat and get a seat belt extender.
2. I never want to have to worry about fitting into restaurant or concert hall chairs.  I went to an Elton John concert with my husband this spring and I couldn't fit into the ampitheatre chairs.  We stood in the breezeway the entire time and the night was horribly depressing.  I never want to put myself or my husband through that again.
3. I want to ride rollar coasters again.
4. I want to fit in my clothes again. I can't wear about 85% of my clothes. I have so many different sizes in my closet and I have given away so many nice clothes because I just don't think I will ever be able to fit in them again.
5. I want to exercise in the gym again and not feel like everyone is starring at me.
6. I want to stop snoring at night.
7. I want to be comfortable in my body and want to feel sexy again.

There is my preliminary list.  Those are just a few things I look forward to changing. I miss my outgoing and fun life.  I feel somewhat trapped in my body and in my fat.  I am ready for this to be over.  I am ready for a huge life change and it has to be soon.  I am only 30 but my blood pressure is high, my moods and depression are out of control and I am constantly out of breath. I don't want to ruin my body anymore and shorten my life.  I want to change....