KittyKarin

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Therapy, alcohol, running and carbs.  That's what's on my mind today as I'm writing this blog post.  First, I have been doing good with my eating and exercise.  My distance and speed in running has really increased and I look forward to my runs now.  I had also been doing really well with my eating but I had a friend come to town this weekend and I let my guard down a bit. We had a great time and drank a little bit on Friday and Saturday night but I kept it to a minimum and had lower carb options.  However, alcohol certainly lowers my willpower and my stance on not eating carbs. On Saturday night, I indulged in a cheese plate with bread and fruit at the wine bar we went to. It was delicious! :-) Then, I had chicken nuggets and breadstick at home. :-(  Not the greatest choices.  So on Sunday, I kicked it back into high gear and had nothing but protein and veggies and ran.  I woke up Monday morning to a nice 2 pound GAIN on the scale and then this morning, I had another small gain. BLECH.... So I decided to stash my scale under my bed until further notice. It's not productive to see that on the scale.  I am working my @$$ off and besides my slip on Saturday night, I am doing great.  My body feels great and when I look in the mirror (even naked!) 90% of the time, I think I look great! Running makes me feel SO strong and powerful.  I am not about to let that stupid scale sabotage me! After seeing ANOTHER gain on the scale this morning, I took my stepson to school since he was going on a field trip today.  I told him I would take him to Dunkin Donuts if he got up early enough.  So off we go and those donuts were calling my name! They were begging me to eat them and just screw this week and eat whatever I want. I almost gave in but I resisted in the end.  I have a mantra that I am trying to perfect... Something like "That is not the way I live my life" or "That is not the kind of things I eat".  That is just not my lifestyle anymore.  I shouldn't feel restricted or punished because I can't (or don't) have them... I need to retrain my brain that I simply just don't eat that anymore. It's not who I am now. Old Karin ate a donut and then a huge bagel with cream cheese for breakfast while planning a fast food lunch. New Karin understands that that kind of food does nothing for her and chooses better options.... Allegedly. LOL That's my goal but I am still a work in progress!

I had my second therapy appointment with my new therapist yesterday.  I really like the new woman that I am seeing and she seems to get me. It seems like we have a good connection. We talked about my food obsession yesterday and she wonders if I have a touch of OCD especially in my food area.  I never thought I would have OCD but it makes sense. I obsess over food, bad and good. When I'm good, I'm looking at My Fitness Pal 20 times a day and obsessing over what I will eat. Then when I'm bad, all I can think about is what I will stuff in my face and how many different foods I can eat during a binge.  I talked with her about a lot of stuff and tried to get to the root of my issue.  It's going to take a while but she made some good points and gave me a lot to think about.  Even though I know it's definitely the best thing for me, it was hard yesterday.  I started thinking a lot about disappointments in my life and in myself yesterday because of our session and it made me really sad.  Throughout the day, I got a little more and more sad. I would start to tear up just sitting at my desk as a bad memory floated into my head. I decided no more therapy in the morning for me. LOL  I don't like dwelling on those things all day afterwards while I'm trying to work or be productive. 

I wish it was as easy as being able to take a pill and my love and obsessive need for food would be over.  I wish I could pinpoint a time in my life where everything changed and BAM, I was addicted to food. Then I would know exactly what happened and could work through that incident.  But it's going to be so much harder than that. I really don't think there was one thing that caused my food issues. I'm going to have to honestly look back at my life and my feelings and my FAILINGS and see what things contributed to cause me to put so much of my identity and emotions in the love and consumption of food. It's hard work but I need to do this for myself.  I am determined not to fail and to change myself and my identity.

My weekly check-in blog. Just a few things running around in my head...

1. I am firmly on course right now.  Something in my brain has flipped its way back and I am in full weight-loss, low carb, hardcore exercise mode.  Junk food and fast food and sweets have no appeal for me right now.  I am planning my meals and getting in my exercise and I am really enjoying the low carb meals I've been making.  I have been making these pizzas on the Joseph's pitas (8 grams of carbs in one, 4 grams of it is fiber!) and they taste AMAZING! About 300 calories for one whole little pizza if I put 1/2 a cup of cheese.  About 230 if I only use 1/4 a cup... but I really love cheese.  I couldn't finish the whole thing the other night so I only had 3/4 of it.  LOVE IT! I am also loving the Morningstar Grillers.  They actually taste better to me than the Boca burgers which I like also.  But these are really amazing.  With the Boca, I usually only like them if I cook them on the stove in a pan but the Grillers, I can put in the microwave and they taste DELICIOUS.  Then i eat them with a tbsp on my favorite sauce in the WORLD - Great Value Southwestern mustard.  It doesn't taste anything like mustard.  It's a little spicy and a little sweet and it works with everything.  Also, I have found Dannon Light and Fit Greek yogurt and the the flavors are amazing.  They have between 8 and 9 carbs per container but only 80 calories and 12 grams of protein.  Toasted Coconut Vanilla is like a dessert! So good!

Anyway, I have really been enjoying my healthy food and exercise these past few weeks.  I had a therapy appointment last night at 530 and only a half hour lunch yesterday so I didn't work out.  I should have gotten up early and worked out before work but I was lazy.  I got home around 7:15 and actually really wanted to go to the gym.  But I had to make dinner for my monsters and my husband had a root canal yesterday so he wanted some babying and attention.  So I didn't go... but I think it's a good sign that I really wanted to! I am going to run on my lunch today and I can't wait.  It totally blows my mind how much I look forward to my workouts now! I really can't wait until it gets warm enough to start swimming! I miss the pool!

One slip-up I did have last week was on Friday.  My husband was out of town and my single girlfriends asked me to come out with them.  We had a blast! Too much fun actually... I was really good at the start, I had a vodka and water with lime before our dinner.  Then ordered a dirty martini with dinner.  It was SO good... my dinner was grilled chicken skewers and butternut squash soup.  Not too bad. But then I ordered another martini... and then it just went downhill from there! LOL I ended up eating a Frosty from Wendys on the way home. :-(  BUT... I got right back on track the next day and I'm good now.

2. I started with a new therapist last night.  She was referred to me by my bariatric center and I really liked her.  We just basically got to know each other last night but that was fine.  I hope that I can continue with her and maybe work out some of my food issues.  My biggest fear is gaining my weight back. I feel like my mind flips a switch and I am either really good or really bad.  I almost feel like I have no control over it sometimes.  At the end of last year, I wasn't eating on plan at all.  I wasn't really exercising either.  I was just kind of drifting.  The switch had flipped in my brain and I just wanted bad foods.  I just wanted junk.  I had to really push myself for a few weeks to try and get back on track and then one day, BAM, switch flipped again and I was good to go. I need to figure out where that damn switch is and duck tape it so it won't switch back on me.  It might be hard for some people to understand but it really does feel out of my control at times.  I know that, logically, it's all in my control and I make every choice that puts me on the road to losing or gaining weight... but at times it feels like a force all on its own.  I let myself get up to over 350 pounds! I let my BMI get to almost 55! Something should have stopped me... I should have stopped me.  But I didn't... and the surgery was really the only thing that derailed my train to death from obesity.  I watch "My 600 lb Life" and I see so much of myself in some of those people.  They all know how big they are and how horrible their lives are due to the massive amount of weight they are carrying around.  None of them are stupid; they know that the food they are eating is ruining their lives. Yet, all they want is the thing that is causing all their misery... food.  I was the same way.  I would cry as I put on the only pair of pants that fit me and drag my huge body to the grocery store.  And when I was there, it would almost be an effort to walk from the car to the store but what would I do inside? I would load up on all kinds of bad food and then gorge on it at home.  This is nothing new to a lot of people. I would say most of the people on this website have done the same thing.  But maybe not everyone let themselves get to where I was. I'm so incredibly grateful that I have reversed that and that I am where I am right now... but I feel like that flip could switch at any moment and I'd be right back to packing on the pounds and growing out of all my clothes.  It's a real fear and I have to deal with it. So therapy it is! :-)

3. My husband got a promotion at work and is going to start traveling a lot now.  About every other week for 3 days a week.  That leaves me to take care of the monsters alone and I don't like that... I'm not good at being a single stepparent. But I'll do what I have to do to support him. At least I can do a lot of leftover and Bagel Bite nights without him here asking for a big meal.  That way, I can do easy stuff like my low carb pizzas or chicken and salad and be done with it.  So that's a silver lining.

Our wedding anniversary is on Wednesday and I'm taking the day off to be with him.  We don't really have any plans to do anything but we'll find something.  I love that man and I'm so happy that we found each other 4 years ago.  He loved me at 275 when he met me, he still loved me at 360 and now he loves me at 212. I'm pretty sure he'll love me in the 100's also, if I can ever get there! :-)

The scale is moving again! YAY!  I stayed off of it for a few days and then weighed yesterday and today. This morning I was 214.8! Less than 15 pounds away from 200! That put a good start to my Monday morning. 

Last night I was looking through some of my older pictures and realizing what a difference perspective makes... One picture that I took was when I first got into size 18 jeans. At the time, I thought that picture made me look so thin! Yesterday, all I could see was a very large girl.  And i had last 100 pounds or so at that point.  But at the time, I felt like a skinny bitch! Right now, I feel really good about myself but will I look back in 25 pounds and think I was a cow at 215?

Thinking about perspective got me thinking about being 200 pounds.  I am so excited to finally reach that number again and get into "Onederland", as it's called by fatties like me. :-) But I remember the last time I really saw 200 on my scale.  I was around 19 or 20.  I had lost down to 160 pounds in my junior year of high school and maintained about 170-175 while still in school.  I started to gain pretty quickly after high school, though.  I had a lot more freedom, a much more flexible schedule and time on my hands.  Time I spent eating out with friends and going to get fast food rather than exercising.  I noticed that a lot of my clothes were getting very tight and some I couldn't even wear anymore.  I was a size 12 but at my lower weight, I was fitting into size 10s.  I wanted to be a size 10 so bad that I would go to the store and buy anything in a size 10 that fit me, even if it didn't particularly look great! I remember this one dress, though.  I bought it with a gift card I got from graduation.  It was a gorgeous black and tan dress that was very fitted in the bust and waist then had a gorgeous flaired skirt look to it on the bottom.  I remember being so excited that it fit me perfectly and was a size 10.  That was when I was 18 and a year or so later, I tried to wear the dress for a special occasion and it didn't fit.  Wouldn't even zip. I started crying as I took off the dress, defeated... I realized then I had really gained a lot of weight and I needed to finally face the music and weigh.

One afternoon when I was the only one home, I decided to finally weigh.  I was hoping I was 180 or less.  My mom kept her scale under this small couch in our den. Our den opened up to the kitchen and since the den was carpeted, we would take the scale in the kitchen and weigh on the hard floor in there.  I took the scale in, laid it down and stepped on it.  I believe it read 201 or 202.  I can't remember exactly but seeing that number was over 200 and I was no longer in the "1"s, shocked me.  I wanted to throw the scale out of the window and beat myself up for allowing me to get back over that threshhold of weight.  I was furious. I put the scale back under the couch and laid on it.  I was weeping. Not crying... a complete sobbing.  I was inconsolible.  If only I had known then how much worse it was going to get.  I was going to gain 160 pounds in the next decade.  I was going to get bigger than I ever imagined.

I wish I had the ability to stop it right there.  To tell myself that 200 is not where I wanted to be at 19 or 20.  To make exercise and sensible eating my way of life and to always keep an eye on the scale.  But I didn't.  I don't exactly remember what I did after that day but I'm sure I bought a new diet book or diet pills and decided to change.  I may have lost a few pounds but then I gained more.  And the viscious cycle continued. And before I knew it, I was passing 300 in my rearview mirror.

So, this time, when I step on the scale and see a number close to 200, it will be different.  I'll be ecstatic and telling everyone.  When I am finally in the 100's again, I don't know if I'll really believe it.  It's been so long since I've been there.  Probably not since I was a teenager! Just really makes me think how different things are when you hit a number on the scale coming down instead of up.  I don't want to ever have to hit that number coming up again... but if I do, I hope it's the real kick in the pants I need to stop it right then and there.

My scale won't go down! I got down to 217 and then every day after that, I bounced between 217 and 218.  I would have an amazing, fantastic day and think that tomorrow I would lose weight.  And then I'd wake up the next day and be UP like half a pound! Grrrr.... then I would say, ok, well, I'll do super again today and then I'll drop. Nope! Nothing! I have been doing so good and hadn't really stalled yet but I think this is it. So I've decided to take a break from the scale until Sunday morning.  I had carbs yesterday and ate off my normal plan. However, I knew what I was doing and allowed myself a cheat day.  Might not work for everyone but usually that will do the trick for me.  So today I am back on my plan. I am eating cottage cheese and turkey sausage right now.  I plan on tuna and a protein shake for lunch. Baked chicken breast for a snack. Dinner will probably be a boca burger and a salad. Today is going to be a super low carb day to try and shock my system again. I am not going to let myself weigh until Sunday morning so that I stay on point and keep exercising and eating good no matter what I weigh.

I really do need to start weighing only two days a week or less.  I need to put less focus on the scale and more focus on how I feel after a healthy day of eating or after a great exercise session.  Once i get within a few pounds of goal or I'm in maintenence, the scale is not going to be rewarding me anymore with losses.  I am going to have to find a way to not let the scale dictate how I feel. 

Other than that, I feel pretty good.  My size 16 jeans that I just bought from the Gap Outlet are fitting really loose on my now.  I have a pair of size 12 Calvin Klein jeans that are my goal but I am nowhere near ready to try those on yet.  Maybe in another 10 pounds, I'll try and see how they fit.  I have been exercising a lot and on days that I don't, I find that i am missing it.  I love music and being able to put on my ipod and just jog or walk really makes me happy. We live on a street that has huge sidewalks and the weather has been pretty nice so i've been able to go on my lunch break.  That's a great time to go because the neighborhood is pretty quiet and it gets me out of the house into the sunshine.  It's better than sitting in front of the TV napping or mindlessly eating!

Here's to a successful end to my week!

I am feeling so great!  I am 217 pounds.  That feels so surreal.  I never thought I would ever be this small again.  I never thought I would be close to less than 200 pounds.  I seriously can't believe it some days. Today is a good day where I really feel how much smaller I am.  I guess I just woke up on the right side of the bed. 

For so many years, I have been struggling to lose weight and each time I do, it's nice but I keep feeling like I have SOOO much farther to go.  When I was 310 pounds, I did Weight Watchers and got down to the 270s.  That was great but I was still 275! I got bored and discouraged and started right back to my old eating habits and gained back that plus 50 pounds! Being 362 pounds, you really don't feel like you will ever make it to a normal weight again.  About a year before surgery, I gave up.  I still wanted to lose weight but I was convinced that those size 14s and 16s in my closet would never fit me again.  I gave away a lot of clothes and sent a lot to Goodwill.  Now I am wishing I had kept some of them.  I kept a few things that were sentimental to me but pretty much everything that I had in my closet is too big for me now. 

I am really enjoying dressing up and being able to wear my heels again.  That's the biggest thing to me; I finally feel comfortable in heels again. I can wear them and not feel like my feet are killing me after only walking a few steps.  I'm no Carrie Bradshaw running around in heels all day but I can at least wear them a few hours at night without having extreme pain.

I am also exercising and feeling good about my progress.  My goal is to strength train 2 days a week with cardio 5 days a week.  I went Sunday and Monday and did strength on Monday also.  Yesterday, I was too busy and today is SO COLD and rainy.  Maybe after work, I will run over to the gym with my hoodie on but we'll see. I really would like to but I don't want to get myself sick. I can wait until tomorrow if I need to.

Being under 210 is my short term goal right now.  I can't wait until I am just a few pounds away from the 100s.  When I get to 200, I will officially be overweight instead of obese.  My BMI will be 29.9.  That's gonna be such a great day. I can't wait.  Visualizing myself there and how happy I will be and how great I will feel, keeps me going.  This time next month, I hope I am at least 210 or close.  I don't want to put a time limit on myself but it would be nice.  I'm just happy right where I am.  I haven't been perfect with my weight loss, far from it! But I have kept an eye on my progress and haven't given up.  I am taking steps everyday to make this my lifestyle and it seems to be working.  I want my husband and stepsons to get healthier with me.  I want us all to be happy and healthy and learn how to live good lives. I'm loving how I feel today. I hope I can make it last...

I'm fully back on track and it feels great!! I am doing lower carb, tracking my food and getting in exercise.  I am losing weight again and I love watching the scale go down.  That's almost the scary part about being (relatively) so close to my goal.  I started out with so much weight to lose and now that I am about 30 pounds away from goal, I am starting to get a little scared.  It feels good waking up in the morning and hopping on the scale to see what I've lost since the day before.  It makes my day when I've lost even the slightest amount and I can log it in My Fitness Pal.  Once the losing weight stops, I feel like that's when I'll really start to struggle with what my motivation will be.  Maintenance was always hard for me.  Losing weight is exciting and rewarding but just working to stay the same... that feels boring and the pay off isn't as big.  I definitely need to find a therapist and start going at least once a month.  I went to one before but we didn't quite click so I quit.  I need to try another and find one I really like and trust. 

So I am about 218 right now.  144 lbs down! 31 left to go.  Hitting 150 lost will be amazing.  I already can't believe how small I am sometimes.  I went to my meeting yesterday morning with a tank top tucked into my skirt and a short cardigan over it.  I looked down at my stomach and it was flat! I felt so confident in my skirt.  I had on ankle boots and tights with it and I wore that outfit almost all day.  My feet didn't kill me even after I walked around Marshalls and Walmart with them on.  Wearing heels hurt like heck at 300 pounds! I could barely wear them a few minutes without my feet screaming for mercy.  I am so glad I can finally wear my cute shoes again.  Now I just have to hurry up and wear them all again before I get too old and tired.

Last night I forgot bread crumbs (for the boys' dinner) at Walmart so I decided to walk to Publix which is exactly 1.5 miles from my house.  It was a great walk. I feel so much healthier now and I really enjoy exercise.  I get out and move and listen to music and I get my head right.  I think with the weather change and the days being short, I have had a little bout of depression or just sadness for no reason.  The exercise outside definitely helps.  Even with all the great stuff I have in my life, I am still prone to being sad in the winter.  I guess I'm just wired that way.

I'll check back in another week or so and I hope to be down 150 pounds within a few weeks. I'm not gonna pressure myself but it would be nice to continue to see the steady drops on the scale.  For now though, I am just enjoying being this small and loving my new body. :-)

My one year surgiversary came and went! I can't believe it's been over a year since my surgery.  I remember the day before my surgery was such a stressful day.  I had so much going on at work and I actually worked that night until about 8 pm.  My mom was in town and helped me try and relax some.  I was so overwhelmed by all the changes I was about to go through.  Everything was fine and here I am one year later and 136 pounds lighter. 

I have been maintaining since November.  I haven't been doing what I need to do to lose but I am watching the scale and keeping it within a 3 pound range.  I really would like to lose at least another 25 to 30 pounds.  My ultimate goal is to lose 175 total but I really don't mind if I only lose 160 or 165. I actually feel pretty comfortable at this weight but I know I want to lose more.  I am a size 16 now and my ultimate goal is 12.  I started at a size 28 so 16 looks so small to me.  The smallest I've ever been in my adult life is a 10. I weighed about 150 pounds then and I was very skinny.  My bone structure is just big so for me to get down to a size 12 will be small for my frame. I bought some size 12 jeans and a size 12 bathing suit for the summer and that's my goal right now. 

I had a funeral to go to of a family friend this past weekend.  I have gotten used to my size but a lot of my family and people I haven't seen in a while were blown away.  They were all saying how skinny I am and how great I look. Some of my parent's friends that I haven't seen in years didn't even know who I was.  Once I told them who I was, they just kept saying how beautiful I was.  That was an ego boost! :-)  It felt really good to get those compliments and reminded me of why I want to work hard to keep the weight off and lose even more. 

I don't have any time limits or goals that I want to meet by a certain time.  I just want to start back running every day and be able to run some full 5Ks in the spring.  I also want to make healthier choices.  My body really does like lower carb so that's my goal.  I always seem to lose weight fast with lower carb and my cravings disappear. It is also the easiest eating plan for me to stick to because there are so many options and I can eat a lot of what I love (CHEEEEEEEEESE!). I got a discount and decided to join Weight Watchers last week just for the meetings, weigh-ins and accountability.  I don't know how long I will go but it's nice to talk to others that are losing weight even if I'm not following that plan. I tried to do their plan for about 2 days but the cravings in the afternoon from all the carbs are just not working for me. I know what works for me so I'm sticking with that.

2013 was an amazing year for me.  I changed so much and I got to a weight that I haven't been in over a decade! I'm smaller now than I was when I was 22! I have a picture that I took when I was around 22 or so and I compared it with a picture from New Year's Eve.  It's so funny because I look the same (with the exception of a few wrinkles and some aging!). I was doing a similar pose and everything! I just never imagined I would ever be near that size again.  Not with how big I allowed myself to get. I went from huffing and puffing just walking from my car into Publix to running miles without stopping and being proud of my body and my looks.  I am far from perfect in my quest to lose weight and I don't expect losing more weight to be easy and definitely know maintaining will be a struggle.  But I have my tool and I intend to take full advantage of the new lease on life I have been given. I want this next year to be amazing also. I'm so in love with my new body and my new outlook on life. Yes, I have some jiggly bits and I'm no supermodel but I feel like I am part of society again.  I felt like a huge outcast this time last year.  I felt either invisible because people didn't want to acknowledge the huge girl or that I stuck out like the elephant in the room (pun intended). 

So that's my quick check-in for my one year anniversary.  It's been an awesome year and I want to keep it going. It's all up to me and my choices everyday. I know I can do this if it's really important to me... and there is nothing else that I want more!!

November is here! I can't believe how fast this year has flown by!  I am 10 months out from surgery as of this weekend and it doesn't seem that long ago.  I will be doing another 5K color run on Saturday.  I have also gotten together with a girl that lives in my neighborhood and we are going to start running together tomorrow night.  I hope I can keep up! I am hoping that this will snap me back into my strict weight loss mode. I am doing pretty good and have lost some weight but I haven't gone back to low carb.  I know my body loves low carb and I feel sooo much better when I'm doing it.  I am still eating healthy, I'm weighing every day and getting in my water and protein but those carbs are getting in too.  And my calories are way higher than I need them to get me back into real weight loss mode. 

I think with the weather change and the short days, I've been thrown out of my routine. I also know that it has something to do with me losing the weight and feeling pretty happy with my current size.  I don't have a huge desire to get much smaller.  Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to be in the 190's but I don't have this huge pressing desire to get down that low.  I want to; I want to have a BMI of at least overweight and get out of the Obese zone. I definitely want to keep trying but I don't really have a huge motivator right now. 

I fit into normal size clothes, I fit into all chairs and cars and amusement rides.  My husband loves the way I look and I feel sexy and small in his arms now. I don't have much extra skin at this size at all.  I look in the mirror and I see Karin again.  I see a pretty girl whose eyes and hair and smile you might notice first and her size isn't the first thing that people see or remember her by.  But, no, I don't want to be 224 pounds forever.  I am not done yet.  I know I'm not.

I have been considering joining Weight Watchers that meets about 2 or 3 miles from my house.  I could even walk there on Thursday nights! :-)   I don't want to follow the plan but having a weigh in and a weekly meeting to talk to others about my weight loss efforts may be what I need to stay on track.  I got an offer for 3 months for 62 bucks.  I think I could swing 20 bucks a month then i can quit after that.  That would get me through the holidays and into the new year. 

Honestly, I am so happy right now.  Work is stressful and financially, we aren't so great but I can deal with that. What I love is that the picture of who I am in my head matches the girl in the mirror now.  I finally see who I want to be again.... and that's so amazing.  I really thought that girl was gone for good. I'm glad she's back.

Very quick blog just to get my thoughts down.  I am 40 pounds away from my goal.  I don’t have a time frame that I want to reach my goal in but I know I want to reach it.  The things I have been doing lately are not going to get me there and definitely won’t keep me there.  I am letting food start to rule my life again.  I am using it as a comfort and as entertainment.  That’s my downfall.  It’s not so much the food I am eating as it is my attitude about it.  I’m not gaining weight but I’m not losing either.  If I were in maintenance, this would be great! Lol But I’m not… I want to lose more and still have a way to go before I am satisfied.

Today, I am going running first thing after I get off work.  I have started going back to just lying around after work which makes it easier to snack.  My attitude is completely different when I am exercising.  I view my food as fuel for my workouts and I push myself to take in what I need and leave the crap out.  So it’s time to cut out the bad habits.  I feel SO much better when I am eating healthy stuff and being mindful of my eating. Today is Thursday and I am going to use today and the next 3 days to get refocused and back on the right track.  My goals for the next few days are:

- Start tracking everything I eat on My Fitness Pal again, even if it's not on plan.

- Exercise every day and keep track on RunKeeper, even if it’s just a small walk.

- Search for therapists and start making some calls to set an appointment.

- Go shopping Sunday for the week’s food and make a meal plan.

I plan on getting refocused this weekend and meeting all these goals.  We’ll see on Monday how I do!

It’s been almost a month since my last blog.  Shameful! I’ve been having a pretty good time though.  I had my 9 month out surgeon’s visit at the beginning of October.  She was very happy with my results.   134 pounds down in about 9 months.  She said she didn’t know of many other patients that lost that much that quickly.  Also, all my labs were good which I had been a bit worried about.  Around my period, I usually get really tired so I was worried my iron was low.  It was good though!  I have also been running like crazy.   I love my RunKeeper app and use it to keep me motivated and calculating the time and distance of my runs.  I have been slacking this week (with everything) but for a while I was running almost every day and I can definitely tell it’s toning up my body.  I am still exercising even though my food choices haven’t been great.   I haven’t gained much even though I have been eating carbs the last 10 days or so.  I am 228 as of this morning.  Time to cut it out and get off those stupid carbs!!  I know I am using food to deal with emotions especially with my job stress and that’s bad bad BAD! 

I am stressing about work (this is our super busy period) and I look forward to the weekend SO much.   But when the weekend gets here, I get lonely and sad.  I live so far away from my friends here in town and I feel isolated, even though I’m not.  My husband has been working TONS of hours lately and when he is off work, he is usually in pain or tired.  He just wants to relax and watch TV or play video games.   I want to go out and be around other adult humans and dress up but that’s the last thing he wants to do! The kids are also demanding a ton of stuff lately; homecoming money, band fees, new clothes and shoes, etc.  It’s so much time and money to keep everyone happy.  I also work from home which makes me feel isolated at times.  I feel sorry for poor pitiful me when really I have nothing to feel sorry for!!  I have a great job that allows me to work from home, I have a gorgeous husband who loves me more than anyone and I have a second chance at living my life in a body that I’m proud of!  I have lost a freakin small woman’s worth of weight and yet I am not fully appreciating it cus my husband can’t take me out as much as I want.    I’m letting way too much effect me and stand in my way of truly appreciating all that I have.  I have a book of positive affirmations that I am trying to read every day and put positive thoughts in my head to replace the negative.

On a more positive note, I have had plenty of NSVs.  My husband and I did our first 5k together a few weeks ago.  A bubble run!  It was so fun even though we didn’t run the whole thing.  My husband hadn’t trained at all for it so when we started running, he didn’t make it that long.  I actually saw a friend there and the three of us ran together for a while. I’d say we ran a little less than half of it.  There is another one my friend and I are doing on November 9^th and Jason may do it with us.  He just needs to actually train a little this time! 

I am also fitting into size 16s and even some 14s! My friend gave me some of her cousin’s older jeans and almost all of them fit except for one pair of size 14s.  (Thanks, Lois!!)  So I strutted my stuff the other day in my size 14 pants and DKNY shirt.  I felt thin. I felt pretty.  It’s been so long since I’ve felt like that.  It’s a great feeling.  I am now smaller than I was at 22.  When (not if!) I get to 200 pounds, I will be back to a weight I haven’t been since I was 20! That is just so surreal.   I have so much to be thankful for and cannot get stuck now! I have too much to lose.  This time last year, I was just joining OH and the difference between then and now is HUGE (no pun intended!).  I felt so horrible in my own skin and wanted to just hide. Now I just wanna be around people and I feel like a happy, healthy, NORMAL human being.  Yay for normal, whatever that is!