KittyKarin

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This weekend I went to visit my husband's family for the first time since surgery.  Back in November, I wrote about seeing them and how uncomfortable I was and how I hated the way I looked and felt.  This time was totally different. I felt great. I wasn't afraid that everyone would be thinking about how big I was and how much weight I had gained. I was confident and felt good in my clothes.  I didn't feel the need to get all dressed up to take the attention off my huge body.  I'm still not thin but I'm way smaller than I was and I felt so much more comfortable.

We had a really good visit all around.  My stepsons socialized much more this time and didn't spend the whole time playing on their computers. The family noticed how well we get along now and how the boys have changed for the better since they first came to live with us.  That made me feel good too. 

This week I have my appointment with my surgeon.  As of today, I have lost 99.4 pounds! I don't know how I lost 1 1/2 pounds since yesterday cus I had way too many carbs at dinner last night but I'll take it! I hope that my surgeon is happy that a little over 5 months out, I am almost 100 pounds down, 90 since surgery. I want to talk to her about what my goal is and if she has one for me.  I think I would truly be happy at 190 pounds. I might be able to get below that for a while but 190 is where I think I want to maintain long term.  I think I would be a size 14 or so at that weight. When I was in high school, I was 160 and wearing a size 10.  I was SO skinny. Hipbones and collarbones were out!  I just know that I don't want to maintain a weight that makes me eat super strict and super low calories.  I want to be able to enjoy healthy foods and be active and not have to obsessively count calories and exclude food groups to be able to maintain my weight.

I have heard people on OH say that we have gone through so much and have not done all this to still be considered fat or "overweight".  Actually, for me, that's not true.  I did all this not to be morbidly obese and to feel happy and content with me size. I think at 190, I would feel quite happy. I didn't do it because I thought that one day I would be running around in a bikini and be thin and the envy of all the other fat girls. I'm not going to be wearing a sign that states that I have a 24.9 BMI.  I did it because I was 350 pounds and could barely walk without huffing and puffing and hurting. Yes, being 160 pounds again would be nice but I don't want to starve myself and cut out foods like fruit and whole grains for the rest of my life to maintain that weight or to be a size 10.  I'm not going to allow the scale to dictate how I feel.  I don't want to lose so much weight but have some number on a chart tell me that I shouldn't be happy yet.  That BMI chart doesn't mean crap to me.  I have always been big and I really do have "big bones". To be "normal", I think I would have to be about 169.  I just don't feel I could reasonably maintain the weight within the "normal" range of the BMI scale.

My first 5K is this weekend and I am so excited. My husband is doing it with me and I'm ready to cross that finish line...All 262.6 pounds of me!

June is here already!  Boys get out of school this week and I can't believe it's summer... These last few months have flown by!  I can't believe it will be 5 months since my surgery soon.  Blows my mind.

This weekend was so fun... I actually felt small.  I felt good about myself. I have been in a stall for about 2 weeks since my huge drop of 8 lbs in one week but I haven't really let it get to me.  This weekend I had to get some blood drawn on Saturday morning for some labs and then I wanted to go to the farmer's market.  My husband wanted to come so I came home after my blood draw and we took his Jeep with the top down to the market.  When you have really long hair, its not really fun to have a car with the top down but I decided to indulge Jason and put a hat on for the day.  I can't tell you the last time I wore a hat all day... actually, I don't think I have EVER worn a hat all day.  But Saturday I did. We went to the market, then downtown to some little shops there and then rode around for a while just talking and looking at the scenery.  It was nice and I felt normal... I thought I looked cute in the hat, actually.  95 pounds ago, I would have never done that.  I needed my hair to distract from my beach ball body.

On Sunday, Jason and I took the boys to the beach, again in the Jeep.  This time I braided my hair and put the hat on only while we were in the car.  The water was finally not heart stopping cold so I got in and did a little boogie boarding. It was SO FUN!  I forgot how fun it was.  Unfortunately, I couldn't do it for long because my swimsuit bottoms kept trying to come off... I didn't want to scar my stepsons or the people at the beach so I stopped.  I will have to get another swimsuit that it more suited to moving around in the ocean.  I was using a boogie board a friend gave me so my husband took a picture of me with it and I put it on Facebook! Not only have I not taken a picture in a swimsuit in YEARS but I wouldn't post it on FB either.  I was half hidden by the boogie board but still... it's still something I never would have done 5 months ago.

Hopefully, this week I can up my exercise to prepare for the 5k in two weeks and also to keep going toward the 100 pound mark... I am 5 little, teeny, tiny, measly pounds away! I am so ready to hit 100 pounds lost... I would have never thought I would be here at 5 months out, if at all. Today, I'm a happy girl.

Back in town and back to my routine.  I was out of town for a few days and although I did ok with my eating, it was really hard to stay on track.  I should have been more prepared with foods that I could eat and having snacks on hand. Friday I did ok, had a protein shake for breakfast and a salad from a burrito place for lunch but dinner was tricky.  I was going with co-workers to a Japanese restaurant and I was really worried about what to order. Japanese was one of my favorites before the surgery and I would eat SO much when I went there.  The rice was my favorite.  I would mix up my rice and veggies and douse it in tons of that heavenly white sauce.  I wanted the rice and the sauce but I knew it wasn't good for me and I didn't want to get a whole meal... it just wasn't worth it since I can't (and shouldn't) eat much of it.  So I ate some chicken before I went and just got a little side salad at the restaurant. It was better not to tempt myself with the rice and the white sauce.  So that was a good day.

The rest of the weekend, we were running around and going to parties and I just had a hard time keeping on an eating schedule and finding things to eat that had protein and low carbs.  Saturday night I ended up munching on way too many pita chips and fruit.  So I need to come back to reality now.  I did good on Tuesday with my eating but last night I went off the rails and ate half a brownie and some pretzel crisps.  It didn't show up on the scale today (yet, it may show up in the next few days) but that was still not good choices. 

I went to the gym this morning which usually helps me reset.  Exercise is the biggest thing that helps me stay on track.  If I slack in my exercise, my eating starts to slack also. I also looked back at my first blog post ever to get reinspired.  I listed out a few things that I wanted to accomplish and thought I would update my list to see how the goals are progressing....

1. I want to be able to fly on a plane again without having to stuff myself into the seat and get a seat belt extender.  UPDATE - I haven't flown yet and don't have any immediate plans to but I know that I would fit much better now that I am 92 pounds down.  I think another 40 pounds and I will fit just fine in an airline seat.

2. I never want to have to worry about fitting into restaurant or concert hall chairs.  I went to an Elton John concert with my husband this spring and I couldn't fit into the ampitheatre chairs.  We stood in the breezeway the entire time and the night was horribly depressing.  I never want to put myself or my husband through that again.  UPDATE - I fit much better in most chairs these days. Even chairs that I look at and think they may be too small are fitting now.  I really don't worry like I used to about chairs with arms.

3. I want to ride rollar coasters again. UPDATE - My husband and I are planning a trip in the next few months to one of the amusement parks around us.  I think once I am under 250 I will feel pretty confident that I can fit onto most rides. I am also looking forward to doing a waterpark this summer but I think it will have to be in the late summer, August or so. I'm not quite waterpark ready at this weight.

4. I want to fit in my clothes again. I can't wear about 85% of my clothes. I have so many different sizes in my closet and I have given away so many nice clothes because I just don't think I will ever be able to fit in them again.  UPDATE - This is the one where I have made the most progress.  I fit into almost all my clothes now. A lot of them are too big and I have given them away to Goodwill.  I was in 26 or 28 and now I fit into most size 20s. (Except Walmart, I bought some shorts from there the other day cus I needed some to help my husband do a catering and had to buy a 22 and they were tight... stupid Walmart!) There are a few pants and skirts I am waiting to get into but I have gone through most of the clothes that were too small.  Great feeling to be able to wear most of the clothes in my closet again!

5. I want to exercise in the gym again and not feel like everyone is starring at me.  UPDATE - I definitely am exercising in the gym and feeling good. I am still a little self-conscious at the gym but I don't let it effect my workouts.  I feel so much stronger and healthier now.

6. I want to stop snoring at night.  UPDATE - Not sure, but I think I have gotten better with this.

7. I want to be comfortable in my body and want to feel sexy again.  UPDATE- Still working on this one but gotten so much better.  I feel way more confident walking into a room or seeing old friends again.  My husband has definitely benefited from me feeling sexier! :-) I am much more willing to go out also and get dressed up or be in a swimsuit. 

So things are going well.  I can't wait to see where I am at once I hit my 6 month mark.  I am very happy with my progress and hope to keep up the momentum I have.

Work has me stressed right now.  I have to be on top of everything and constantly multi-tasking and juggling my responsibilities. I am trying really hard to focus but my heart isn't in it right now.  I would much rather be reading on OH, cooking low carb food, exercising, hanging out with my husband and friends... heck, even cleaning the house! I just feel burned out even though I really shouldn't be.  I have barely been in my new position for 2 years and I need to just focus.  I really looked forward to being in my current position and now I'm starting to get antsy to move again! Plus I want to take a certification course this year to get my HR certificate but I can't even think about finding time to study for that!  Ugh, I have to buckle down.  Summer makes me want to just throw all my rules out the window and just run around like a kid.  I want no responsibilities, no pressure, no worries. Well yea... that's not going to happen so I'll make my plan of attack and try to get all the things on my to do list done!

In weight loss news, I am staying the same.  I am totally fine with that! I had a much better food day yesterday than Monday so that was good.  I know my body will probably take some time to adjust because of all the weight I lost last week.  So I am fine with not seeing any drops on the scale this week.  I am leaving to go back to my hometown tomorrow afternoon and will be there until Sunday night so tomorrow morning is my last chance to weigh until Monday morning.  I think it will be good for me to take a break from the scale... but I won't be taking a break from logging my food or making healthy choices! I am way too close to 100 pounds lost to take a break now!

Tuesday... blah. Work is really starting to grate on my nerves.  It's in part due to me not really feeling like I totally get what I'm doing and part me just not wanting to do it! LOL Today I am going to get down to business and make sure that I am getting everything done that I need to do today. No more procrastinating. When I sign off of work at 5:30, I want to feel like I did everything I needed to do today instead of it all just waiting for me tomorrow.

I also feel this way about my weight loss... NO procrastinating.  Before the surgery, I would be on a diet and lose weight and feel like I needed to give myself a break because I had been on plan for so long. I can't let that attitude back into my mindset.  I need to make sure that I'm not letting myself think like that. I struggled some yesterday and had fleeting thoughts of just going ahead and eating pizza because I wasn't really doing that great today anyway... and also I deserved a cheat day! Ugh... WRONG!

Yesterday was a test.  I woke up after a great week of weight loss and felt ready to go.  I had coffee and cottage cheese and ham for breakfast. Then around 12 or so, work started getting on my nerves and I started having crazy cravings for carbs. Like, out of no where! I checked my calendar and I am PMSing.  So I knew why I was all of the sudden so irritable and cranky.  At lunch, I go in the kitchen to make something and nothing looks good! I hate everything. I grabbed a piece of that stupid General Tso chicken that has been in the fridge forever and ate it! Gross.... I then threw the rest out so I couldn't eat anymore. But did that stop me? Nope, I went and ate 6 cheetos. WTH!?!? I stopped myself pretty quickly and grabbed some water and got out of the kitchen.  I spent the rest of my lunch in my bedroom then grabbed this leftover zucchini pizza thing I made Sunday night and ate that for my real lunch. It didn't have nearly enough protein but that's all I wanted.

I then ate veggie chips and salsa when I got off work because I was seriously craving salt and carbs.  The veggie chips aren't that bad, 11 carbs for the whole bag because I got the individual portion bags from Costco.  I can only have that kinda stuff if they are in small bags.  I didn't even eat the whole bag but still... not any protein in those.

I did go to yoga last night and that felt good. Jason left me a rose in my car when I was at the gym and that made me feel really good. My cravings were a little easier to manage after that.  I got home and ate a piece of cheese, some shrimp and cucumbers.  I still wasn't anywhere near where I needed to be with protein so I also drank a protein shake. That put me at 71 grams of protein which is pretty good but it sent me over my calorie goal for the day.  I weighed this morning and was up like .4 lbs so not too bad.

Today I am committing to very low carb and super high protein.  Protein shake and maybe some turkey sausage for breakfast. Chicken sausage and shrimp for lunch. Snacks will be deli meat and cheese. No veggie chips! I need to limit those to like twice a week. Not sure what is for dinner tonight but you can bet it will be meat and veggies. I have two days before I go see my PCP who hasn't seen me since December, before my surgery.  I can't wait to hop up on that scale this time! I think I weighed in at 356 last time... now I will be at least 80 pounds lighter. What a great feeling! I just need to keep focused on my water, my protein and my weight loss. Can't let those naughty thoughts creep in!

Since the initial weight loss from the first two weeks after surgery, my weight loss has been steady but nothing super. I wouldn't say I'm a slow loser at all.. just a steady one.  I don't really see big drops on the scale.  1 pound here, 2 pounds there, 1/2 a pound more often.  The last few weeks, my weight loss was pretty slow. Some weeks, not even 2 pounds.  Which I know is still good and it's a loss so I wasn't upset about it. I was just happy losing weight. Well this week, I had the most amazing week I've had since my surgery. Here are my stats since last Friday, May 10th, to today, Friday, May 17th.

Almost 10 pounds in one week!! I am floored by this. I haven't had a week like this ever! I had started letting my carbs get up to around 40 or 50 so this last week, I started reigning them back in.  I still do around 30 a day but I upped my fat intake a little too. For some reason, my body has really responded to the increased fat and just the slightly lower carbs.  I log my food every day in MyFitnessPal and I am trying to get in roughly the same ratio of protein to fat to carbs.  I don't know how long this losing streak will continue but I am not ready for it to stop!  Each morning when I step on the scale, I have to get on and off about 5 times.  I can't believe just a little over four months ago, I was weighing in at more than 350 and now I am blowing past the 270s!

I still struggle with head cravings and night time munchies.  I always want the starches of whatever the boys are having but my super tiny tummy keeps all that at bay.  Last night I got steamed beef with broccoli from the Chinese restaurant while the rest of the family got General Tso, house lomein and eggrolls.  I took one piece of the General Tso's chicken (a small one) and put it on my plate. I have learned that if I want a taste of something they have, that I will let myself have a small taste, but it has to be on my plate with my other food and it cannot be just picked up and thrown in my mouth standing in the kitchen. Too easy to lose track and eat mindless calories.  I ate about half of my small portion of beef with broccoli and then ate that one piece of General Tso. It was yummy and I was satisfied.  Later, when I went back in the kitchen to clean up, I popped my tooth brush in my mouth so I was sure not to be able to snack on anything else.  I must say, that is the best strategy I have found to help mindless eating when cleaning up the boys dinner at night. Can't eat with foamy toothpaste in your mouth! :-)

Tonight I am excited to go out.  My husband and I are going to dinner and then to a comedy show. I work from home and mainly just go to the grocery store or gym or maybe the mall on weekdays if I leave the house.  With my shrinking body and clothes I am able to fit into now, I am really wanting to get out of the house and get dressed up! I even put on nice clothes and jewelry just to go pick up Chinese food last night! LOL  So tonight I am ready to get out of the house and have some fun.  I have already looked at the menu of where we are going (Maggiano's...mmmm) and picked something small and low carb that I can have.

This week has really motivated me... I was starting to think that I had already lost as fast as I could at the beginning and it would just get slower and slower from here. But now I see that it doesn't have to be like that. My body will have its ups and downs but I guess I haven't damaged it so much with my decade of yo-yo dieting and bingeing. Here's to a great week!

This past month has been a whirlwind… I can’t believe it’s already May! Thursday is 4 months out from surgery and I feel great. Almost 80 pounds down.  It doesn’t feel totally real yet.  I feel so much better than I did 4 months ago today.  It seems almost impossible how different I am in such a short amount of time. I now go to the gym at least 4 to 5 times a week; I am now jogging on the treadmill and lifting weights every time I go.  I am actually fitting into most of my clothes that have been hanging out in my closet because they didn’t fit for a couple of years.  I am feeling normal again.

I had some friends come into town a few weekends ago and we went out and had fun. Lots of pictures were taken and most of them, I really loved.  Four months ago, no pictures made me look good.  I was in my fat suit and all of them sucked.  I didn’t recognize my own face.  Now, I look at pictures and they remind me of what I used to see when I looked in the mirror.  I like my face but with the fat wrapped around it, I hated it. I didn’t see myself in the mirror or in pictures. Now I see Karin again.  I see my features and my eyes stand out again.  My jawline is coming back and I am finally starting to think I am pretty again. It’s an incredible feeling.

I can tell things are getting better in other parts of my life too.  My husband and I are doing really well and he sees big changes in me, physically and emotionally.  He hated to see me depressed and upset about my weight and now I look forward to getting dressed and going out.  I was starting to push him away at my heaviest because I didn’t see how he could possibly be attracted to me.  I feel sexier and happier now so I am much more willing to be affectionate.  I’m just a happier person. I am also much more confident taking out my stepsons and doing things with them.  Before, I felt like they would be embarrassed to be seen with such a huge woman and wouldn’t want to go out with me.  Now, they go to the beach and pool and even the gym with me.  It makes me feel so good to know they want to do things with me and my weight won’t stand in the way.  They see me running and eating healthier and are starting to ask me questions about health and exercise.  It makes me feel so good… I used to be athletic and health conscious and people would come to me for advice.  I missed that feeling!

I had some great NSVs happen this past month.  I’ve been shopping a lot more recently. I can fit into most size 20 pants now and a lot of 1X or XL shirts.  Before, I was having trouble with size 26! I went to the Polo Outlet with J on the way to my cousin’s wedding this past weekend and tried on a few things.  I got two XL tops that fit great! I also got a pair of size 18 shorts… unfortunately, they don’t fit yet, but they are going to be my motivation shorts!  Size 18 was the highest size they had and the sale was too good to pass up.  The two shirts and the pair of shorts were only 35 bucks all together! I have a family thing coming up July 12-14 so my goal is to be in them by then.  Two months… I think I can lose another 20 pounds to hit 100 pounds lost and get in those shorts by then. 

Exercise is also a huge incentive for me.  I love pushing myself and feeling what my body can do, even at this heavy weight.  I keep trying to go farther and run a little faster and just a few seconds longer each time. I feel strong when I am lifting weights (as light as they are) and love that slight soreness I can feel in my muscles after. I feel like I belong in the gym again.  My body is starting to remember… I signed up for a 5k color run on June 15^th and I’m sure I will walk at least half of it but I want to run as much as I can.  This will be my first organized race EVER and I am looking forward to it.  It’s not timed so it’s just a fun run which takes off any pressure of trying to complete it in a certain time.  I know I won’t be the first to finish but I don’t think I’ll be the last either. 

As far as my eating goes, I am doing pretty good.  I am trying to get back to strict low carb to bump up my weight loss for the next few weeks but I’m trying not to worry about the fluctuations in weight.  I am logging all my food and exercising so I will just keep plugging along. I don’t want to give myself too many numbered goals.  I don’t want to feel disappointed.  This is not something I need to race toward. I have already come almost halfway to where I want to be, I don’t have to get there by a certain time.  I would like to say I lost 100 pounds by my 6 month mark but even if I don’t make that, I know it will be close and I will eventually get to 100 pounds or even more.  I will not stop… This feels to damn good.

I love getting dressed up and putting together gorgeous outfits. The past year or so, I have had very little interest in clothes or getting dressed at all! Of all my clothes, I was able to get into about 15 or 20% of my wardrobe. And the clothes I could get into... they were not cute. I am so excited now that I have lost 68 pounds and I am able to get back into lots of clothes in my closet. I have a lot of older clothes, anywhere from size 24 to 16.  I am able to get into the 22s and some of the 20s even now.  Unfortunately, I gave away a lot of my clothes a little over the year ago. My husband's sons were coming to live with us and I had clothes in our main closet and also a closet full of clothes in the guest room.  I couldn't fit into a lot of them and at that point I had given up on really ever losing a substantial amount of weight.  Surgery seemed like an unrealistic option and I had put it on the backburner. 

I had a friend that had lapband surgery and had lost a good amount of weight.  I brought her over and she helped me clean out my closets and she left with a huge garbage back full of clothes plus some clothes on hangers and then I think I took two more to goodwill.  Most of the stuff I gave to her or Goodwill, I realized that I had worn them and loved them at one time but I probably wouldn't wear that much again even if I could.  Some of them I wore when I was in my early 20s (like my heart dress that I LOVED and wore all the friggin time) and it was time to grow up a bit and move on.  I kept other things though that I really loved and wanted to get back into.  So I have enough to wear now, I am in no way hurting for clothes.

So anyway, I tried on a lot of clothes tonight and most of them fit. Then I even put on my wedding dress... and it fit!! So I think I am back to around the weight when I got married. I can't remember exactly how much I weighed but it had to be around what I am now! I am 294 today and I think I met my husband when I was about 275 to 280.  I can't believe that I am so close to be smaller than he has ever seen me.  I was so excited to zip up that dress again. 

I was feeling a little depressed tonight (just the Sunday night blues, I suppose) and putting those clothes on made me feel great! It also gave me inspiration to exercise every day this week after I drop off my stepson. I'm ready to get back to my old fashionable self! ;-)

I’m home from vacation now and feeling a bit blue. Guess it’s the back to work blues. On the way home last Saturday, I was feeling good but Jason was not... His tummy was upset and we had to stop every 30 to 45 minutes for him to use the bathroom.  Not fun. Anyway, at one of the many gas stations that we stopped at, I went in and used the bathroom and then started looking around waiting on him to come out.  I had snacks in the car for myself but I started browsing the shelves and the desire for those salty and carb loaded snacks became really overpowering.  At first, I saw the Cheez-its and wanted those.  I picked up a pack and started reading the nutrition facts and working out in my head how many I could eat for a certain number of carbs and calories.  Then I started looking at the other stuff… Pringles, Chex Mix, Hot Fries. Even Combos!!  Those nasty little round pretzel or bread snacks with this cross between a solid and liquid substance stuffed inside.  They aren’t even good but I wanted them more than anything. There was a very small pack of them and I thought they wouldn’t be that bad…

I almost gave in and bought some but my good sense took over and I told myself to go wait for J in the car. Crisis averted but I was still really craving carbs all day and on Sunday too. I managed to make it through without doing any damage and on Monday morning, I realized that I had been PMSing. So that was a big reason why my cravings were so out of control. Last night, I still had cravings for carbs (tater tots, for some strange reason) but I resisted.  While I was eating chicken and spinach for dinner, J was eating a sandwich on a hoagie roll with potato chips right next to me on the bed. I didn’t punch him and steal his food or slap his plate against the wall, so my cravings must not be that bad, right? Still in the somewhat controllable range. :-)

It just sucks how hormones or emotions or a combo of all that physiological stuff can make you feel like crap when just a day or two before, I was feeling on top of the world! No cravings, no desire for crap food and energy levels off the charts. Sunday I exercised and laid by the pool and was feeling great until the evening.  Then I realized I had to go back to work the next day and the dinner I made sucked horribly (I cooked a ham and didn’t realize I left a layer of plastic on it until 3 hours in…yes, I suck at cooking) so I started getting depressed... which, in turn, started me craving carbs. Really badly. Then yesterday, I felt like a slug all day.  I didn’t exercise and no food except junk food sounded good at all.  I wanted Sonic tater tots with tons of ketchup. Salt and sugar cravings, I suppose.

Anyway, I forced myself to get up today and go to the gym.  I really didn’t want to but I made myself and I’m glad I did.  I feel a bit better. I know if I had slept until 830 instead, I would have been groggy and felt horrible. So I am forcing myself to behave no matter how much my mind and body doesn’t want to cooperate. I am almost at 65 pounds down. Tomorrow is my 3 month anniversary and I have goals I want to accomplish. And tater tots won’t help me get to those goals so they aren’t going in my mouth any time soon!

Leaving Destin today... I wish we had more time but we had such a blast.  Even though it was cold and we couldn't do a lot in the ocean or pool, we still had fun and got at least one beach day in.  I could do the beach all day, every day but Jason gets bored very fast.  So it was probably a good thing that it was colder or I would have been mad at him instead of the weather for keeping me from the beach. :-)  There was this big waterpark that wasn't open due to the cold and I was a bit sad about that.  Not sure if I am ready for a waterpark yet but the thought was nice.  I told J that we need to take a day trip to Orlando with his sons later this summer (much later so I have plenty of time to slim down) and go to a waterpark there.  It's been years since I have been to one and I used to love them.  I used to love rollar coasters too but haven't been on those in a while either. 

Two summers ago, before the boys were with us full time, we got them from their mom and stayed with them in Charlotte, NC for a few days before we took them home. There is a theme park there like Six Flags called Carowinds.  We went there and I had to just pretend I didn't like rollar coasters because I knew I wouldn't fit on the rides.  I went on one water ride where you have like 6 or 8 people in a round boat and float down a river with waterfalls.  That was the only one that I thought I would fit on.  It sucked because the boys really wanted me to go with them on all the rides and I would have loved to... I was just getting to know them and wanted to make a good impression... but I didn't wanna be embarrassed when my big old butt couldn't fit in the seat.  Maybe by the end of the summer, we can take a trip to a theme park and I can go on all the coasters.  

I really enjoyed this vacation because I didn't feel bloated or tired or uncomfortable in my clothes.  I brought a bunch of outfits and wore almost all of them. Nothing felt too tight or made me look too fat to wear.  I was excited to put on my swimsuit and go to the beach. (Yes, I know, I am still very fat but refer to my previous blog... I have unrealistic views of how skinny I am at 300 pounds :) ). I was happy to put on my cute dresses and go out to dinner.  I didn't feel tight in them and was much happier with the person who was looking back at me in the mirror.  I exercised pretty much every day and continued to track all of my food each day.  Now that we are about to leave, I don't regret anything. I am not sitting here thinking about a diet I need to start on Monday and that's a great feeling.

When I was at the beach yesterday, this very LOUD family came and sat near us.  The mother (and loudest) of the family started talking to this group of skinny, tan college girls sitting next to us.  She was joking and talking to them and mentioned that she had a body like theirs on back order. She then told them that she had VSG surgery 2 years ago and lost 260 pounds!! She was still quite a heavy woman, I would say about my size but shorter. After that, I started kind of noticing more about her.  I was going to strike up a conversation with her about the surgery but I didnt.  She was drinking beer, eating Doritos and bologna sandwiches and smoking like a chimney.  I don't know if she has gained some of the weight back or she was just very big before her surgery but I was trying not to judge.  When we left, I started talking to my husband about it and he told me I was being judgmental.  I just know I don't want that to be me in two years.  I have been in the situation where I have lost lots of weight then started gaining it back but I still wanted to talk about it because it was a big accomplishment... but I know I didn't look like the person who lost alot of weight or was healthy. 

Every day is a struggle and I just have to keep that in front of me. I don't want to be guzzling beer and doritos on the beach next year, regardless of whether I am at goal or not.  I'm not trying to be mean at all to her or judge her.  I just want my journey to be different.  I want the rest of my life to be healthy... of course, that's quite freaking easy to say 3 months in.  So I just have to keep my goals first and foremost in my mind and in my life.  All I can do is take it day by day and see how far I can make it....