KittyKarin

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I am so hungry tonight! I had a good day but very busy.  I am trying hard to get into my role as stepmom... tonight, Jason is working and I'm the parental person.  I had a small fight with the youngest trying to get him to do his homework. Well, not really a fight. He just didn't think he should have to have an hour off the computer a night for his homework. He made very bad grades on his first progress report so I told him this is his consequence for those grades. He doesn't have a lot of consequences so he balked a little at first but got used to it quickly.  The oldest one's girlfriend came over for a bit and sat with Sean and helped him do his work. Love that girl!

So quick recap of my weekend... I went to a waterpark! OMG... I haven't been to one of those in a million years! I haven't wanted to go to one in a long time because I was way too embarrassed to walk around all day in a bathing suit. Also, i know there are weight limits and issues like that at those places.  But I had some passes that were already paid for and I needed to use them by this weekend. So I told my stepsons and invited the girlfriend but I had 6 passes altogether so the girlfriend's mom and brother came along too. It was all in all a fun day. The mom is very nice and fun but she is this little blond french lady who is very opinionated. She is very fit and runs all the time. I felt a bit self-conscious with her. I left my shorts on the whole time. 

I was able to go on all the rides but there was one ride that was a two person ride and you had to be a combined weight of 400 lbs to ride it... and they will WEIGH you at the top! OMG! So I told Sophie I was 230 and she said she is 124, so we were good. If I were with my husband, we wouldn't have been able to ride together.  That made me kinda sad.  We got to the top and there was this discreet scale that put us on and it really wasn't that embarrassing but I know that if I had been smaller, they wouldn't have made us weigh. It definitely wasn't Sophie they were worried about throwing off the numbers. Ugh! So yea, kind of an exhausting day because I felt really big again. Lately, I feel so small compared to my old self.. but this day my insecurities and my body issues came roaring back.

I did well with food and exercise though.  I did 3.7 miles running/walking on Sunday in about 50 minutes.  I am going to have to do that a few more times before the 5k fun run on October 5th. I'm excited to do the Bubble run with my husband and hope I can run at least half of it. Here's to a great week!

I am a worrywart. I stress too much.  I freak out over little things and go flying off the handle.  I come back down quickly and can usually stop myself from going crazy but I still stress and worry all the time.  I worry about money and about my bills.  I worry about my job and if I am doing enough and if I am a good employee.  I worry about my husband and his boys and how I am as a wife and stepmom.  I sometimes wake up at 2 or 3 AM and have to actively push scary thoughts about losing my job or my husband or my house out of my head.  Do I really think that I am in danger of losing any of those things? No! I love my boss and my job and believe I do it well most of the time. I love my husband and we have a great marriage.  My mortgage gets paid every month on time. So why do I worry about that stuff? Who knows!?!?

I really want to find a good therapist that will work with me in figuring out why I have so much stress and why I love to turn to food for comfort. I went to one right after surgery a few times but we didn't click. I stopped going to her and tried to find another but haven't been able to connect with one that specializes in what I need and that is on my insurance. I know I won't be able to deal with my food issues alone.  They are too long ingrained in my life. They have been since I was a child. Food pairs well with any emotion, celebration or tragedy. Telling me that I can have pizza for dinner will completely brighten my entire day. It's so silly....

My emotions are so up and down lately.  One example of this is last week I tried to go get labs done for my upcoming surgeon appointment.  I had the appointment planned for the 19th (today) and they usually say that you have to have labs done a week in advance for them to get the results back.  I tried making an appointment at the lab but the early ones were all taken.  I have to be back home by 8:30 to get my stepson up and off to school.  So I decided to gamble and go in early. I leave the house at 6:45 and I am at the lab by about 7:10 am. I walk in to sign in and realize that I have left my lab slip at home! Home is 25 minutes away and there is no way I can go home and come back in time.  I was SOOO pissed.  I tried calling the doctor's office to fax it over but they don't open til 8 AM. So I was screwed.  I called my husband freaking out. I was beyond pissed. It was my own fault but I wanted to scream at someone else. It was suddenly his fault for never being able to get his own son off to school and for me having to do it all the time. He got screamed at over the phone then I called back and apologized 30 minutes later. I felt so bad for being such a bitch to him.  He forgave me but I know I hurt his feelings. I rescheduled my doctor's appointment and got my labs today. Was that so hard? Was it really worth freaking out so much about that? No... but I just couldn't stop myself. I was so angry!

So stressing out less is one of my number one goals right now.  Thinking logically instead of emotionally is something I need to focus on.  Other than that, my weight loss has stalled a bit but I know it's because I haven't been making the best choices.  I think I am back on track now and trying to weigh in just once a week.  That scale messes with my head. I finally was able to run a full mile without stopping the other day.  It was on the treadmill and it was slow but I did it! Being able to exercise and feeling strong at the gym is a great NSV.  I love a good NSV. :-)

I am 8 months out from surgery as of yesterday.  I am over 126 pounds down from my highest weight this morning.  Writing those two statements doesn’t feel all that real.  Just saying those things doesn’t mean that much.  However, going back to my hometown this weekend and seeing all my old friends and coworkers… that was beyond amazing.  I know people have said this a million times but I wish I could just bottle that feeling and save it for when the scale is being a bitch to me. :-)

I left for Augusta on Thursday morning and went straight into work.  Everyone was flipping out when they saw me.  They were telling me how skinny I was (yeah, right) and how great I looked.  There was another lady that had surgery the month before me and she came over and we hugged and chatted a while.  She is so happy and she’s lost about 106 pounds.  Together we have lost over 230 pounds!!

I went out with friends every night I was there and it was such a freaking ego boost.  Everyone was telling me how great I looked and I felt like I fit in.  I didn’t feel like the obese friend that was trying to blend into the background.  Such a change from being there last year around this time.  I was so self-conscious last year and hated the way I looked.  This time, I wore cute outfits and kept surprising myself when I would look at all the pictures we were taking. I actually looked good in some of them.  I looked thin in a few!!  My chin was pointy and there was only ONE of them. LOL  

I drank way too much on Friday night and ended up getting sick.  I was so focused on work and seeing everyone during the day that I barely ate any food.  Then when I got off, I was rushing to help my friend set up for the party and get everything together.  By the time the party started, I took a few shots and then I was down for the count.  I tried eating after I realized that the booze went straight to my head but too late! I got sick and ended up in bed and passed out early. Whoops! 

After that, the thought of alcohol made me sick to my stomach the rest of the weekend so I was the DD.  I didn’t mind at all though.  We went out Saturday night and I just had water and then we met a bunch of people at a place nearby where everyone could dance.  Normally, I would have been way too self-conscious to dance without a drop of alcohol in me.  This time, I was out there shaking my tail with my girlfriends!  I didn’t care that I can’t really dance… It was fun and I kept telling myself I was burning calories!  We ended the night at Waffle House and I got a grilled chicken wrap and split it with someone.  I really just ate the chicken out of it cus it wasn’t that good. That’s another thing about not drinking, I didn’t make bad food choices.  I probably would have caved and gotten a patty melt and hashbrowns if I had been drinking. 

So now I am back home and back to normal.  I lost weight over the weekend and even this morning.  Besides the booze, I actually made good food choices and watched what I ate.  I was supposed to have a doctor’s appointment this week but I couldn’t find time to get my labs done so I am going tomorrow morning to get my labs and my appointment will be next Thursday.  Even if I don’t lose any more weight before I go, I am happy with where I am.  I have lost over 125 pounds in 8 months!  I feel like even though I haven’t been the strictest patient who makes good choices 100% of the time, I still have done pretty darn good. AND I am FAR from done.  I want to lose another 48 pounds.  I don’t care how long it takes, I just want to get to the 175 pounds down mark.  I will not stop… this ride has been too good to stop now.

Quick blog to say that some days, I really really freaking hate this.  I hate having to worry about losing weight, I hate having to watch every calorie, carb, fat and protein gram. I hate that I'm obsessed with this.  I am trying so hard to work this into my life and not the other way around.  I don't want my LIFE to be my diet. I don't want to make plans with my family and friends around my weight. I feel out of control today; I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the pool ready to dive in to the "I don't care" waters.

I have been struggling this past week with the scale. It started Wednesday with the scale staying the same and now I'm steadily gaining each day. Today was another pound and a half! I ate well yesterday, drank all my water, walked on the beach.  And I don't want to hear that I am about to start my period, retaining water, building muscle, blah blah blah. All I want is to see that scale go down! I was so pissed this morning after getting on that stupid scale. I had a fun day yesterday with a friend at the beach and dinner. I ate a half of a bunless burger and a few bites of blue cheese coleslaw. I wanted Nachos and Chips and salsa.  I wanted chips at the beach and wanted to snack all night. I resisted and my reward was an extra pound and a half. I know, I know... There are times I indulge and still lose weight so I have to take the good with the bad. But I'm being a brat and don't wanna hear that right now.

I drove myself to Panera with a book and stood in line this morning. I said, Screw this, I'm gonna eat whatever I want today.  I mulled over the bagels and the danishes and the breakfast sandwiches and imagined which of them I would eat. I ordered about ten things mentally in my head. I got up the cashier and ordered a medium coffee and nothing else. The prices of my indulgence was the biggest thing that stopped me from ordering anything else (I can be cheap sometimes) so I told myself I would get something else today. I sat and drank coffee and read for a while then thought maybe I would go to McDonald's and get a biscuit. But I cruised past that and ended up stopping at Goodwill just to look around. I bought a shirt and a pair of capris.

On the way home, Jason asked me to bring him an iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts and so I went through the drive through. Thought of all the things I could order but left with just the coffee. 

Now I am home and in the worst, pouty mood. I cried to my husband about it. Again, wallowing in my pity party. He was very sweet to me and helped me put it all in perspective. He had his time with low carb the last couple of weeks and he totally feels my pain these days. LOL I decided to blog to get it out and try to move on with my day. We are supposed to be going to the beach and another town with the kids today and I just wanna say F THIS and lay on a bed of carbs and eat my way to the bottom. But I am not... I am gonna forget about the scale for a few days. I am gonna put it away and stick to my plan and weigh again on Thursday morning before I leave town. I am going home to see my coworkers and old friends and I'm excited for them to see the thinner me. Let's just hope my thinner me body will cooperate with me!!

So today I am having a down day. I even got up and exercised this morning but there is just something in my head that won't let me be happy today.  My work is pretty much caught up, I am doing good with eating and exercise and there is a 3 day weekend coming up! I shouldn't be blue. The thing that is bothering me is that I did CrossFit last night... not even a real class, just a little beginner taste of it... and I sucked horribly at it.  I know I am no athlete... I never have been! I didn't play sports in high school or when I was young.  I have always been a gym person though and at times, I feel strong and have been able to run for a while in the past.  These days, I am working my way back up to that. I haven't gotten there yet but I thought I was more in shape than I am. I have made it a point since surgery to exercise. I go to the gym and walk/ jog regularly and I do some weights and weight machines...but I am horribly horribly still out of shape. 

I know I need to keep going to Crossfit and try this.  I know that it will change my body and it will do wonders for me.  It's more than just running. It's reshaping the body and using all the muscles in ways I don't normally.  I just felt so embarrassed. I felt like that 362 pound girl again in a sea of fit men and a few women. I felt uncoordinated, fat and awkward. I couldn't even really do a squat right! I was supposed to go again tonight but I can't because my husband has to work and I have to get the boys' dinner and homework done.  I am going to make myself go to the 6:30 pm class tomorrow and try. I am not looking forward to it though. I feel bad about myself... I don't even have the right shoes or workout gear. :-(

I hope that if I start, I can get over this hump and in a few weeks, I will start to enjoy myself. I like the idea of going in every day and having a list of what to do for the day and being in a group.  (I am a total list-whore! I make lists for everything.. Groceries, work to-do lists, packing, chore lists, etc.) It's just that my first time was so hard. My trainer told me to practice my squats at home and so I am doing 15 in the morning and 15 at night.  Still awkward... My trainer said that I should be coming 3 times a week for the first couple of weeks.  I only have a month right now so I will see how I feel at the end of the month.

On another note, I am happy about the 3 day weekend coming up. No big plans on Saturday, on Sunday, our family is going to St Augustine for the day to do the beach and just hang around. Monday I am off work but I told my husband I would help him with a catering event that his company has. Holidays are usually big catering times for them and usually he needs extra hands.

Then, Thursday of next week, I am headed back to my hometown! I am going to work out of my old office a few days and spend some time with my best friend, Zack. I am so looking forward to just being with him and relaxing and not worrying about life for a few days. I have so many things to be happy about and look forward to so I shouldn't be in a funk.  I think I will go out for a bit at lunch and just get some fresh air.  I need to clear my head for a minute. Life is good, it really is.  I just have to remember that when I start getting upset about such petty things.  My life is awesome....

Monday again... Oh well, I don't seem to mind Mondays as much when I am on plan and had a good weekend. I went out with friends Friday night for Indian food and Saturday I got a massage first thing in the morning. I hate sleeping in on the weekends now. I feel like I have so little time to myself now that the boys are back in school and we are trying REALLY hard to make them do homework and get dinner on time and get showers and bed on time.  I feel like Saturday is the one day of total ME time. On Sundays, Jason is off work and he likes to sleep in and spend his afternoon with me and the boys.  So I now get up pretty early on Saturdays and out the house by 9 or so. I get a coffee, go shopping, get nails done or something like that. Just have a day to myself where I can do what I want! I usually end up coming home and cleaning the house later but at least it was nice to have time to worry only about what I want.

I live in a big city so Groupons have been fantastic for me.  They always have some kind of pampering one for pretty cheap. My 1 hour massage was only 39 bucks (plus a tip).  A couple of weeks ago, I got a facial.  Before that, I had a haircut and deep conditioning treatment that I got for half price at a nice salon.  I stalk groupon and buy them when I can... then, if one weekend I have no money, I can pull up a Groupon that's already been paid for and at least be able to do that!

So my eating and exercise were really good last week.  Jason has decided to do low carb with me and it's been pretty good. He's a little whiny and says he has a headache every day but for the most part, he's doing good.  I've gotten rid of most of my carb cravings and it's gotten much easier to eat the right foods. Hopefully, Jason will find it easier the more creative he gets with his food choices. Last week, he was so hung up on what he couldn't have that he didn't want to hear about all the things he could.  But he is starting to realize that he can have really good stuff.  We went to a couple's house for dinner last night and the wife has been doing low carb for 6 years now.  She made tons of appetizers that were all low carb and Jason really liked them.  I think that gave him some promise that there is more out there for him to eat on this diet instead of deli meat and hot dogs with no buns!

I am 238 today and my goal is to be 229 by September 11th.  I haven't really done weight loss goals by certain dates but that is the day of my next surgeon's appointment and I really want to have lost another 30 pounds since she last saw me.  Last month, I only lost 5 pounds total. Disappointing but life happens. It was totally my fault and now I'm back on track.  I won't be devastated if I don't reach my goal but I think it's doable. About 2 1/2 weeks to lose 9 pounds. We shall see.... I am still about 20 pounds lost since the last visit so at least I am still headed in the right direction!

For some reason, the past few weeks, I would come to OH to post a blog and the box to type in would never appear. Glad it's fixed! I need to write a quick blog just to get some thoughts down and out of my head.

1. I am back on track... The past month has been kind of a throw away time in my diet and exercise plan. Jason's sons went to go stay with there mom and I was SO looking forward to 3 weeks of all adults, all the time! No picky eaters and special dinners.  No people telling me there is no food in the house when the pantry is bursting with crap. No pee on the guest bathroom floor. Ahhhh... it was gonna be nice!

So anyway, Friday, July 26th, my husband gets a call from his mom that his father is being moved to a Hospice house and may not make it through the day.  We pack up quickly and leave the house by 10 AM for an over 6 hour drive to their town.  He passed away early Sunday morning. Because of family needing time to travel, the service wasn't held until that Thursday. So we stayed in town for the entire week and left on Friday.  I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.  I tried to stay on plan for the first part of the time there but after a few days, I threw in the towel.  I ate whatever the hell I wanted.

That Friday we picked up the boys on the way home and I was thrust back into real life.  The house was neglected for a week and needed cleaning. The fridge was full of old food. The boys were back and ready to tell me what to do and what they needed and stress me out.  I went haywire for a little bit. Jason said it reminded him of the way I acted before surgery. Just laying in bed all evening and being very down. I couldn't stop snacking and wasn't exercising.

Anyway, I finally found my way out of the funk and without too much damage done.  I gained about 3 1/2 pounds during my 3 week hiatus and it's back off now.  I am now over 120 lbs lost.  Back to low carbing it, back to exercise in the mornings and I feel so much better! On track and in a much better place.

2. However, I really need to find a therapist.  I need to learn to deal with emotions without food.  I am taking baby steps to get there but I need emotional help. I tried one a few months ago and went about 4 or 5 times but we really never clicked. I didn't really feel any kind of help or any better when I left.  And the therapist made me a bit uncomfortable. I didn't really love her.  So I am trying to find another.

I found some old pictures and journals the other night and I sat there for hours going through them. Some of it brought back fun and great memories but the journal entries really made me sad.  I found my journal from 2003 and 2004. A decade ago.  I was 21 going on 22 then. And everything in my journal pretty much sounds exactly the same as what I would write today, regarding my weight.  I was so down on myself. I wrote how much I hated my weight and that I didn't deserve love. I was 237 pounds in the 2003 portion but 255 in the 2004 portion.  I talked about how ugly and fat I was and wrote down everything I planned to eat.  I talked about calories and going to the gym and what I was going to do when I lost weight. I am pretty much around the same weight as I was in 2003. I am proud of that but I also feel a sense of failure and despair.  I was so obsessed with my weight and food and I am still that way today. And if I had journals from when I was 15, I am sure I would have been the same way. My entire life has always revolved around my weight and food. Either restricting or binging. I really hate that. Even when I am in a good place with my weight, I am obsessive with it.

I would love to find therapy that really works for me.  That truly helps me deal with my food issues.  I tried my first therapist at 20 and have been trying to find one every few years. None have really ever worked out.  I suppose I should try again and I will... It just makes me so sad that in all these years that I have been trying, I still haven't figured out how to live a balance life.  I want so bad for this surgery to help me be able to find that balance where I am able to enjoy my life and not obsess about weight loss while not gaining and binging.  Maybe I have been looking at it all wrong, maybe I can't strike that balance and healthy living has to be my #1 concern. I don't know... that's what I want to discover with a therapist but having a hard time finding one. Oh well, I'll keep trying.

So this weekend, Jason and I are taking the boys to meet their mother and grandfather halfway between our cities. They are going to have them for a few weeks. It's about a 12 hour distance between us but Jason and I are going to visit my family in a city that is pretty much halfway anyway so it works out. HOWEVER, this will be the first time that I have ever met Jason's ex-wife. We have never met or really even talked on the phone.  Before Jason and I were married and the boys lived with us, he would go get them and bring them back himself. Then when some things happened in her life where we got full custody of the boys, Jason picked them up himself. Since then, either the grandfather has come to pick them up, they have taken a direct flight or Jason will meet someone halfway. 

I'm not really scared to meet her... 110 pounds ago, I would have been dreading it! Now I feel MUCH more confident and so I'm not really afraid to see her. She has never been mean or said anything rude about me (that I know of); I think she is kind of a lost soul. She has a lot of issues and I hope that she is just grateful that I am taking care of her sons as best I can and that I love them.  So I don't think she is going to do anything to make it really awkward or anything. Her father has always been nice to me and I hope he comments on my weight loss. He didn't see me at my heaviest but close.

I am so grateful that I decided to have this surgery when I did.  I think it was just perfect timing for me.  I had hit rock bottom and I had pretty much given up on myself.  I was sure that if I didn't do something drastic, that I was going to either die or have serious irreversible complications. I feel like it was the perfect time for me to wake up and realize what I was doing to myself and I got the help I needed to make a true change. This summer is totally different from last summer.  Last summer, I was pretty miserable. I hadn't reached my highest weight yet but I was close. I was hot and no shorts or barely any capris I could find fit me.  I actually couldn't go to an outside work event that I had been looking forward to because I had nothing to wear but a very thick pair of jeans and that was too hot. I've changed in so many ways and I know my feelings about meeting Jason's (did I mention, blonde and skinny as stick, never had a weight problem, even after two kids?) ex would be totally different if I hadn't had this surgery.

SO I have picked out my outfit and I am going to make sure I look as good as possible after a 6 hour car ride and I will finally meet the woman Jason married all those years ago before me.  Nerve wracking, yes... but I have my new found confidence so I think I can handle it!

I have now lost 108 pounds!  This 4 day weekend that I had went pretty good.  Thursday I had planned on doing a beach bootcamp but my husband talked about how packed the beach would be and that scared me so I backed out.  I also had planned to go to the fitness center here in my complex and the pool but my badge expired on the 1st of July and I didn't realize. I go to the pool with my bag of stuff and workout clothes and was told too bad, I couldn't come in. :-( That put me in a bad mood but I got over it and spent the day with my husband just hanging out.

Friday I went to my convention downtown and the parking was bad because I got there late. I walked all the way from the parking lot to the convention center, took the stairs instead of the escalator up 3 flights of stairs and walked around looking for a seat.  When I found one, I sat down and realized I wasn't huffing and puffing. My heart wasn't racing... and I sat down with ease! No wiggling into the seat because I barely fit! I slid right in! That was a great feeling.  I also was able to cross my legs, something I haven't done in years! YAY!

Saturday I visited a friend who was staying in Jekyll Island, about an hour and a half from me.  We went to the beach and then ate lunch then I came home and my husband and I went out.  I wore a pair of khaki shorts and my new wedges and I felt a little self-conscious cus my legs aren't my best feature.  I have really big thighs and they aren't smooth... but the vodka I had helped! :-) My husband said I looked exceptionally beautiful so I take it he liked the outfit.

Sunday was just some shopping and hanging out. I ate pizza for dinner which is not good but I'm back on track today.  I figure a splurge here or there right now is ok since I've got so much going on. This weekend I have a family event but I am going to plan and be very good Monday-Friday.  If I have a few extra things on Saturday and Sunday, I won't be devastated but I plan on really getting back to hardcore healthy eating and exercise next Monday. 

Tomorrow is my sixth month out since surgery and I am happy with my progress.  108 pounds in six months isn't anything to sneeze at.  I am almost 2/3 of the way to my goal! I have 172 pounds to lose total... that seems like a huge number! Only 64 more to go... I feel so much more confident now, I can't imagine how I will feel after losing 60 more pounds! But I want to find out! Hopefully, the weight loss will start ramping up on my hips and thighs, where I carry a lot of my weight.

All in all, I am doing really well.  I need to get back in my exercise routine but I'm good with where I'm at now. I feel great and know that more weight loss is coming. My only goal right now is to keep going with healthy eating, exercising and the weight loss. I would love to be at goal this time next year but if I'm not, it's ok with me. I'm in it for the long haul and as long as the scale keeps moving down and I know I haven't given up, I'm a happy girl!!

So hitting 100 pounds lost and summer vacation has screwed me up.  I was doing SO good eating my low carb way and exercising.  Then summer hit and my routine flew out the window and I started slipping.  I slipped way too far and it all hit me last night.  I was supposed to be going to the gym after work and then having just some leftover ham and a salad for dinner.  I went to my bedroom and sat on my bed playing on my phone and just didn’t want to go.  I sat there and sat there putting it off and then finally got up and went to the kitchen and started eating Cheez-its!  Once that happened, I went nuts.  I ate some cookies and some pita chips and some Weight Watchers candy that has been in my pantry forever.  I felt horrible after my small binge. Of course, I couldn’t eat much of this stuff because of my sleeve but it was way too many carbs for me and I haven’t done that kind of mindless eating since my surgery.  I stopped (my stomach stopped me) and went and took a long hot bath.  I felt horrible. I had really wanted to try and be back on track and last night ruined it… but I’m not going to let it stop me. I know why I did that.  I have no routine and no schedule.  I have been taking a lot of vacation days and I guess I feel like I am on vacation with my healthy lifestyle too.

The funny thing is that my friend came to stay with me last week for a few days and when she was here, I did great!  I lost weight and ate really well.  It’s when I am alone or on the days I have to work between my vacations that I am lazy and want to eat everything.  When I am at the beach or the pool, I am active and have my low carb, healthy snacks ready to go!  So I know how to put the kibosh on this… get back into my routine! Especially on work days.

When I took my stepson to school every morning at 7 AM, it was easy to just slip on gym clothes and go straight to the gym that was 3 minutes away from his school.  I would work out and that would kind of set the tone for the day.  I would get home with energy to start work and have a protein shake.  These days I roll out of bed minutes before I am supposed to sign into work and I feel like I am in a fog for the first hour.  I feel lazy and sleepy and not productive.   So I am starting back today! This minute!

Tomorrow is the 4^th and I am doing a bootcamp on the beach at 9 AM with some friends.  Friday I have a convention to go to downtown and then the weekend is pretty much open.  I hope to exercise every day though, in some kind of way.  Then Monday, I will be back to my regular 5 day work week and I will start my routine again. Waking up and exercising BEFORE work.  Planning my healthy meals and avoiding snack and junk foods.  I have 68 pounds to go until I reach my goal.  Compared to the 104 I have already lost, that sounds small.  I can do this! I will not stop or let food and laziness derail my efforts to get this done!  I have 6 more months before my one year anniversary of my surgery and I would love to be down at least 150 pounds even if I’m not quite at goal.   I have plans and I am NOT going to let anything stop me!

I have so many NSVs that I would be crazy to stop now.  I can cross my legs again, I fit into all chairs again.  I feel beautiful sometimes and my confidence is through the roof!  I bought a new bikini top and feel great in it.  I love the smaller me and can’t wait until I get smaller and smaller. I am up to go anywhere and travel and do spontaneous things with my husband and friends.  I can wear normal shirts again even though I am still plus size on the bottom.  I wear a 20 pant still… I have been dying to fit into 18 shorts but that isn’t happening yet.  I have so much more to look forward to… I would be CRAZY to let anything stop me now. I won’t let food ruin my happiness again.  I want to be in control this time. Food just isn’t worth it!