kwinkleman

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Motivation....it is something that I personally think about every single day.  What motivates me?  What do I need to become more motivated?  Why are my goals...are they motivation?  And what things keep me from being motivated?
My #1 motivation is my SON!  He is 7 years old and as a single mother I want to be healthy, active, and a part of his life for a very long time.  I want to be able to go to amazement parks....and fit in the rides LOL.  I want to be able to run and play with  him at the park without feeling like I am going to pass out.  I want to be able to go to the beach and sit in the sun without feeling like a beached whale.
My #2 motivation is my career.  I work in the legal field and while you wouldn't think that the legal field would really care what a person looks like....that is so not the case.  I work for a very young law firm and the attorney's are beautiful, stylish, hip, trendy individuals.  They run their firm based on the fact that they are so young and are doing great things. They are in the media spotlight everyday.  And while I am not an attorney and no where near the media I do meet with clients.  And I don't want them to get their first impression of our firm from an overweight frumpy paralegal....because that simply is not who the firm is or who I am for that matter.  I want to be able to wear heels, business suits, cute little dresses, business professional outfits and feel comfortable knowing that I am professional and look good.  Now I wear baggy clothes, frumpy jackets, no color, and I usually don't even think about putting on make-up.  Getting out of that "funk" is my motivation #2.
My motivation #3 is getting married!  I know getting married shouldn't be a motivation seeing that I am NOT engaged, or even close to getting engaged...or even finding someone to marry me but I hope that this transformation will help me come out of my shell, realize that I deserve good things and be able to find a good, hardworking man that is ready to settle down and get married one day.  I want to be able to wear a fitted wedding dress, and be the beautiful bride that all brides want to be on their wedding day.

Being healthy is an overall motivational factor for me but honestly when I had surgery I didn't have any health issues.  I wasn't on any medications, I was as healthy as a person weighting 301 pounds could be thankfully.  I want that healthiness to not only to continue but to get better and better with time.  I can also honestly say that the day of surgery I cried because I KNEW I had made the wrong decision.  The 2-3 weeks after surgery the pain was so terrible that I KNEW I had made the worse decision of my life.  And I KNEW that I did something I was going to regret forever.  I am happy to say that today I KNOW that I made the right decision for me.  Things have been rough, it has not been a walk in the park, but I made the right decision.  No regrets, no remorse.     Happy Wednesday!!!

 I am soooo super tired today.  Had a super long stressful weekend, so I was so not ready to come back to work today.
So I have a question.....if you weight yourself and see a number one day....and the next day it is a little different.....to you still record that lower number  LOL???  My weight loss has a pattern of sorts.  I fluctuate through the week (Monday - Thursday) then around Friday-Sunday I usually see a loss.  Well this past week was that exact way.  Friday I was 232, Saturday 231....and Sunday I saw 230!!!!!  I steped on and off the scale 3 times just to make sure that I wasn't still asleep or dreaming and every time it said 230.  So then WHY this morning when I step on the scale does it say 232???!!!!  I do feel rather bloated this morning so maybe that is the reason.  I just hate to record a weight in my health tracker if it isn't the accurate weight.

We had a BBQ yesterday, and I admit I am not much of a red meat eater.  I do chicken and fish/seafood, but I hardly ever eat beef or pork.  Well yesterday they had grilled and BBQ'd some chicken legs, ribs, and pork chops.  I had a small bite here and there, but then when everyone else ate I decided to make me a small little plate.  I had one small spoon of my homemade potato salad and one small baby rib.  It tasted so darn good.....and made me so darn sick!!!!!  I was in the bathroom for hours.  My stomach cramped, and the pain was almost unbearable.  Now I remember why I stick to chicken and fish.....I don't think my pouch really likes a lot of red meat.  I wish I could just become a vegetarian....but me and my son LOVE shrimp so much I don't know if I could ever give it up!!!  LOL

Have a great Monday Funday everyone.....I am headed to get some coffee ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy St. Patricks Day OH Fam!!!!!   
I am so super tired today.  I have been getting woke up between midnight and 1am every morning by my so called BF.  Why can he not just bring his behind home at a reasonable hour...or better yet JUST STAY GONE!!!!  
I woke up this morning and hoped on the scale....down another pound!!!  One more pound and I will be at the 70 pounds gone mark!!!!  I can't wait.  I was shocked to get to 50lbs gone, then was so excited at 60lbs gone, so I can't wait to be able to say 70lbs gone!!  I think I wanna have a party LOL.  I have been drinking at least 2 protein shakes a day all week which is SUCH a feat for me as I wasn't drinking them at all.  I tried a few different brands before surgery and they were horrible.  So after surgery I couldn't stand the smell or taste.  But my BFF gave me some that I have been able to tolerate so they have become part of my daily routine.  Now if I could get get my behind back to the gym on a regular basis I would be doing great.
I hope that every one has a blessed and safe St. Patty's Day today....try not to get pinched if you forgot to wear GREEN!!!!!

I offically have a Love/Hate Relationship with my scale.  Some mornings it totally makes my day....and other mornings it makes me want to completely destroy it.  This morning it made me happy.  I FINALLY say 233 again!!!!  I stepped off, stepped back on again....233!  Thrid times a charm right....233 again!  So I take that as my offical weight for the day!  LOL 
It is so funny to me how that 3 digit number can affect your entire day.  On days that it drops or at least stays the same I am so much more motivated to stay on track and work even harder to drink my water, drink my protein shakes, eat the healthier (smaller) meals.  The days that it is up....all I think about all day is food, negative thoughts, self doubt.  You would totally think that it would be the other way around.  My personal goal is 180, which to some might still sound over weight for someone who is only 5'5" tall.  But I never wanted to be super thin, I just wanted to be more healthy.  Yesterday I was at the doctor and they took my blood pressure...for the first time in YEARS it was normal.  It is the little things like that, that make this surgery so worth it.  I walked very fast from my office to the library about 3 blocks away yesterday afternoon.  I was not completely out of breath.  These small feats that would have never been possible before make all the pain, recovery time, and struggle so worth it!  That and looking at the pictures of the outfit that I am going to buy on Babyphat.com!!!  LOL  Those things are great motivation for me.  So on that note, I am going to go log my eats for the day, get a fresh cold glass of water and start my day!  HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!!  

So I have a 7 year old son who is one of my biggest motivators for losing weight.  The other morning he gave me a hug and put his arms all the way around my waist.  I paused for a minute and looked at him, he looked at me and said "mom I can put my arms all the way around you"!  That has NEVER happened before.
The same day I was doing my hair and when I looked in the mirror I could actually see a difference!!!  Not a huge difference but looking at myself in the mirror the reflection was  alittle different than what I had been seeing.  I am starting to be able to see my collar bone, which I think is a HUGE deal.  My cheeks and area around my nose is slimming up.  I looked younger....not that I am old or anything LOL.

I hate my scale.  Why does it tease me the way that it does?  I have been trying to not pay much attention to it during the week as I have noticed that my week day weight is usually up and down but towards the weekend it usually drops.  I FINALLY made it out of the 240's!!!!  Then I sat at 235 for all of last week.  On Saturday morning I hoped on the scale and it said 233!!!!  WOOHOO!!!!  Sunday morning it said 235 again  WTF????  Monday it was still at 235....and today that hefer said 236!  I almost picked it up and threw it at my BF who was laying in bed snoring.  He woke me up coming home at 1am this morning so that is why it would have been chucked at him first....then I would have threw it out in the middle of the road and backed over it with my car!  Up 3 pounds since Saturday!!!  I saw that 233 for a brief second and I haven't seen it since.  Between men, work, school, and the scale I think I am going INSANE!!!  Am I doing something wrong?  Did I gain 3 pounds off that bag of potato chips that I ate Sunday night?  Are my protein shakes too high in calories ( 120 per serving)?  Am I eating the wrong foods?  Am I eating too much?  Am I retaining water?  But I am not drinking any water so what gives?  Is my sodium too high?  The questions go one and on for days.  Why?  What is the problem?  AAAAAGGGGGG

Ok, maybe I just needed to vent! LOL  Anyway today is a new day, the potato chips are out of the house.  I am on a roll with my protein shakes and I am feeling pretty good about taking a step back from the drama and getting back to the basics AGAIN!  I feel like I have said that before but seem to keep getting pulled off track.  This time I am not doing it for anyone else, I am doing it for me!  I want this!  I don't want to be in the 230's or even the 220's, I don't even want to be in the 200's!  I want onederland....and I want it NOW!!!!  LOL 
On that note I guess I need to get to work.  Goals for today:  Track my food, 3 protein shakes, small high protein meals....and NO JUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Wish me luck!!!!  One day at a time!

 Is there even such a thing as work/life balance?  How do you even begin to balance your time and energy between work, school, children, relationships, friends, etc??  I thought that this was something that I had under control for the most part.  Then I got a promotion at work, and going to the gym became something that I am interested in doing on a regular basis.  My new job is SO much more demanding and time consuming then the job that I had before.  I could literally stay at work all day and all night and still have stuff to do.  My son has a new daycare that is only open until 6pm.  So everyday I get up early, drop him off at school right at 7:15am so I can rush to get to work by 7:30am.  I work through lunch because I know that at 5:30pm on the dot I have to be out the door to fight traffic across town to get to daycare.  I have thought about grabbing him and coming back to work but who wants to come back to work after spending 10+ hours straight there already?  
By the time I get to daycare (YMCA) which is also the gym I am a member at I don't even feel like doing a workout.  The only thing that is on my mind is getting home, cooking dinner and getting ready for bed.....which leads to a totally different problem--school work.  I am also working on  my 2nd degree, I am an online student and getting my Paralegal degree is very important because I want to become certified (which means a raise and more job opportunities).   But I failed 2 classes last semester and I am getting ready to fail another one all because I can't seem to find the time and energy to do the work on time!  So how do you balance life, school, work, gym, relationships, friendships.....oh and I didn't even mention my so called relationships and my non-existent friendships.  I have great friends....I just never see them.  And my relationship...or the lack there of, honestly has nothing to do with any type of balance, but if I wanted to look for something new....when would I even have time?

On a positive note the scale did move last weekend.  Which as been the pattern, it doesn't move all week then towards the weekend it moves a little.  66 pounds gone!  55 more to go!  WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Today is NOT a good day.  I am so super tired from my so called BF coming home around midnight.  If a man has a good woman at home....why would he want to be in the streets all night??  I don't get it.  I woke up as usual at 6am, and went straight to my routine to get ready to get on the scale.  My lowest weight was Saturday when I weighed 239....ever since then it has been bouncing between 240 and 241.  It has been at 241 all week.  Why??  Because it wants to drive me crazy.  So between the scale hating me and the lack of sleep I am simply over it today!  I have a new job that is SOOOOOOO demanding and everything  has to be done right now and I can't even focus.  My weight up and down back and forth no moving is driving me crazy....so on top of everything else I want to just go home and get back into bed.....well maybe not because that is where my BF is and I don't want to be anywhere around him right now either.   This sucks!

It is hard to believe that in 11 short weeks (sometimes it feels like 11 LONG weeks) I have dropped almost 60 pounds!!  2 more pounds and I will be at my 1/2 way mark.  I cannot wait!!!  I honestly never thought that I would get this far.  Weighing 243...I don't know when I ever weighed 243, so where I am right now is a total blessing, but I am not going to stop here.  I am determined to reach my goal.  I know that I can do anything if I put my mind to it.  And this is something that I want!!  I want it so bad I can taste it...and that motivates me to keep pushing forward.
But there are those negative nellys out there that say their dumb comments....like the one that I got this morning from my so called BF.  He said "You lost 2 more pounds??  I thought the weight was already suppose to be off."  Really??  You thought that I could lose 121 pounds in 11 weeks?  Stop the madness and come back to reality.  I laughed and said Nope, the weight is suppose to come off over 12-18 months.  He just looked at me like he was shocked.  But that is the mentality of some people.  They think that you have this surgery and you are done.  The weight is just suppose to come off all overnight and the next day you are suppose to be skinny.  They have no idea that it doesn't work that way.  THIS IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT!!!  He has lost probably 10-15 pounds in the last 3 months by doing absolutely nothing.  While I have to work hard and watch what I eat everyday to lose the weight that I am losing.  People who haven't been through it just don't get it.  That is one reason why I love this board.  This is the only place I can come and address my issues and not get the "confused" looks.  LOL 

 While I am tired as all get out I am feeling pretty darn good today.  I finished my first two days at the gym strong....and lost 2 more pounds which makes the tiredness completely worth it.  As of this morning I have lost 56 pounds.  Wow, I can't believe I even typed that.  It seems to unreal, unbelievable.  I know that I still have a VERY long way to go and I am not even half way there  yet but I am super close.  Another 9 pounds and I will be at my half way mark.  I never thought that I would say that either.

I remember when I was going through the beginning process, and even the day of surgery I was so scared.  Even wanted to change my mind and just back out.  Recovery was HORRIBLE, all the pain, rash, couldn't move, felt like crap.  But today I can honestly say that it was so worth it.  And I would probably do it again in a heartbeat (probably) LOL.  I was one that complained everyday for about 3-4 weeks about how bad I felt, where was my energy, I was so tired, basically I felt like death.  But I can say that over the last few weeks my energy has started to come back, I am eating better, I am more active than I ever was in my entire life, I actually enjoy going to the gym now, where before I always felt ackward.  It is a whole new lifestyle and I am enjoying it.  I hope that this motivation lasts.  As my girl Nicki Minja would say "I wish that I could have this moment for life"!!!

I have also noticed that I want to do more things.  I have been looking up parks in our area that I could take my son too and we could walk and play together.  Which is one of the major reasons that I wanted to have the surgery to begin with is so I could do more things with him.  I think we might go to the beach this weekend and walk or to one of the state parks and talk and just have some time outside.  All things that I would have never done in the past.....and I think that the future is only looking better and better!!!

Happy Valentine's Day OH Family.  Today is suppose to be a day for love, happiness, romance, togetherness, and a day of peace for lovers.  Instead for me today is a day of arguing, frustration, anger, and being cold!  LOL.  Our office is like 50 degrees right now.  It is so cold that my nose is running and I can't feel my toes.  On top of that my and my BF got into it this morning.  When I got my taxes back I spent ALL of it on moving.  He didn't want to live in the small town that we was living in so I made a plan and moved us to the bigger city 20 mins away.  You would think that would have showed that I care (that and sticking my his behind for 2 LONG years).  Well it didn't!!!  He somehow got together $2500 and bought a car Saturday.  He never asked if I needed help with any of the household bills, he never asked me if I needed grocery money, and this morning when I asked him why he didn't put gas in my car after driving it yesterday he replied "I just went around the corner"  I said babe, I didn't ask you where you went I asked you why you didn't put gas in my car.  His reply "I didn't have your VIsa card"!  Really???  For the past 2 months I have been filling up both of our cars on a weekly basis...whether I am driving his car or not I would still put gas in it....and the one time I ask him he tells me, oh I couldn't cause I didn't have your Visa???  What a jerk! 

On the weight loss front my pattern continues, I only seem to lose at the end of the week.  This week I lost 2 pounds, which isn't great but at least it is better than nothing.  I start my gym routine today.  I am so super excited too.  My BF on the other hand turns everything I want to do into something super negative.  He is complaining because the gym is on the other side of town.  But it is where I want to go, it is where my son will already be, and I want to go there.  It shouldn't matter where it is located as long as it is what I want.  I have realized that if it is not about him it doesn't matter.  Which is fine, but that is not the way that I work.  So I have to remove myself from the situation and move forward with my weight loss and my life.  He is a grown man, and sometimes it is best to close one door and wait for another to open.  Because as my new fave quote goes "IF NOTHING CHANGES....NOTHING CHANGES"