kwinkleman

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 I guess that this is something that I need to just get use to dealing with.  But my weight up and down, and not losing is driving me crazy.  I have stayed away from the scale but this morning after I took a shower it was calling my name.  I could hear it from the other room, screaming for me to just come and step on it for just a few seconds....so I gave in and it flashed 252.  WHAT???  How was I 249 the other day and back up to 252 now??  I only saw 249 one day.  That is my lowest weight since surgery.  What is the problem?  I have noticed that I have a growing addiction to orange juice.  I crave it, want it everyday, I could drink it all day long.  And the last larger bottle I brought to work that is exactly what I did....drank it ALL day long...the entire bottle had 440 calories in it but it is so darn good.  I have tried the OJ crystal lite...but it is no where close to the real thing.  It is just super frustrating.  Oh well...enough complaining for today I guess.

 So Nik posted on one of my threads that her grandma used the saying "if nothing changes, nothing changes"!!  I have been thinking about that a lot and that is one of the best if not the best quote I have ever heard.  How can I sit around and be mad that the weight is not falling off if I am not actively doing everything in my power to MAKE it fall off?  How can I be mad that my relationship sucks and still stay in the relationship?  How can I be upset that I don't have enough money yet I am not working any overtime?  "If nothing changes, nothing changes".   So basically what I am trying to say is that if I am not happy with my situation I need to make the proper changes.  Because if I don't things are going to continue on the exact same way....and nothing will change.  So I have devised a plan.  
1) Day Care- I have been having my BF pick my son up from the bus stop....only problem is that he doesn't get there on time (such a busy schedule seeing that he has no job and no other responsibilities...now that I think about it getting my son isn't even a responsibility for him).  My son is 7, he has NEVER had to wait for me to come and pick him up from school...ever.  It is my responsibility to pick him up and I will go thru hell and high water to make sure that I get there.  I expected him to have the same attitude, boy was I wrong.  SO....tomorrow I am going to sign my son up for after school care at the YMCA.  They have pick up service from his new school so there should be no issues.  And now BF can do whatever his little heart desires all day with all of his free time.
2) The Gym- This one times in with #1.  Since my son will already be at the YMCA I am going to get a single parent membership to the Y for myself as well.  They have 1.5 hours of childwatch service per day, so my plan is to get off work and go to the Y, get my son out of the afterschool program take him to the childwatch program for probably 45 mins and go do my workout.  That will put us home just in time for bath time, homework time if homework isn't already done, eat dinner and get ready for bed.  I have figured out that this is killing like 3 birds with one stone.  The first bird is not having to rely on BF for child care, the second bird is being at the gym everyday anyway so I might as well work out, and the third bird is not spending so much time just sitting at home waiting for the BF to want to spend time with me.

Wanna hear something funny???  I asked him today (BF) what he wanted for valentines day.  He said, and I quote "I want cash, if you aint got no cash don't get me anything at all" end quote!  He repeated this exact saying twice.  I hung up.  LOL  That is the type of motivation I need to continue on with step 1 and 2 above!!!  

 FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!  The scale said something this morning that didn't start with 25X.  It said 249!!!!!!  Which means I lost another 2 pounds.  I have figured out that during the week I really don't lose, it seems to fluctuate some.  But by the end of the week/weekend the scale typically starts moving.  Which is ok, just means that I need to stop weighting myself everyday because it is only going to be a distraction.  
I bought a gym membership.  Got my car fixed over the weekend so I am ready to go.  I called the gym this morning and they told me that I can't bring my son with me.  He can't even sit at the tables by the front and wait for me....so what was the purpose of getting the membership in the first place?  And I signed a one year commitment.  What a waste of money.  So I can pay someone to watch him, which makes it poinless.  So I have to try and cancel my membership, and find one somewhere else.  I thought about the YMCA because they also have an after school program that I could enroll my son in....not sure what I am going to do yet.

So yesterday SUCKED!!!!   I ate way too much of the wrong stuff and was literally miserable at work all afternoon.  But after some great advise from my OH Family, I went to the grocery store and got a few things to help get me back on track.  Last night I made my lunch for today so when I woke up this morning I didn't have to worry about anything except grabbing it from the fridge.  For breakfast I had Greek yogurt, for snack I had a hard boiled egg and cheddar cheese, I also had a muscle milk.  For lunch I tried to get a grilled chicken caesar but they was out of chicken so I had a plain caesar salad and some cottage cheese.  For dinner tonight I am going to make chicken alfredo with broccoli on the side, and maybe a salad for the family.  I will eat a little of the chicken, I will probably take a few pieces out before I put the alfredo sauce on it.  And probably some more cheddar cheese. (I love cheese)!  
I only had one glass of water today though which is not good, but I did drink my muscle milk, and an orange juice.

I took my first vitamin for the day....got to get my second one in as well....I haven't even started with my calcium so I know I need to start with that as well.  Baby steps. 

 Saturday was my 2 month surgiversary, I have been hovering around 252 for about 2 weeks now, which is slightly annoying.  So Sunday I weighed myself and it said 251, which would mean I was down 50 pounds!!!!!!!!!  WOOHOO I was so excited.  Got on the scale yesterday morning....it said 252.8, got on it again this morning and it said 252.8.  So now I am ticked off.  Why is it fluctuating so much already?  I feel like this is not going to work for me.  I am so hard on myself to lose weight, be better, do better, try harder, and nothing seems to work.  So now I am in a slump.  It is 8:41AM, I am sitting at my desk eating Lays potato chips.  They go down good, my pouch loves them, and they taste amazing.  And at a whopping 320 calories in a bag they are clearly NOT what I should be eatingI also assume that chips are sliders, because I just peaked in the bag....and it is almost empty which means that I just sat here and ate the entire bag in one sitting.  
My protein is horrible, I can't do the shakes, I tried fat free cottage cheese(yuck), I am going to try the reduced fat or even the full fat kind and see if it tastes any better.  Protein shakes don't work for me at all, I don't know if it is the smell or the taste, I have even tried the unflavored kind....still can't get it down.  I am going to try yogurt and see if maybe I can get that to stay down because I know there are some high protein yogurts out there.  There is a new gym opening in my town so I bought a gym membership yesterday which is a move in the right direction.  I think I am stressed out.  My BF and I are moving, I have to change the school that my son is going too which is stressful because he has been doing so good at the school he is attending now.  I also have to change his day care provider which is stressful as I worry that I won't pick a good center.  All of this of course has to be done during the work week which is when I am at work.  So it is a hassle to say the least.  
Not only that but both of our vehicles have been not working.  The brakes went out in mine, and the fuel pump with out in my BF's car.  Those issues are fixed now but this morning my headlights didn't work on my car, so its always something.  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 Saturday marked my 2 month surgiversary.  I have lost 50 pounds and fell pretty good overall.  I can say that my energy level is coming up which is such a blessing because  for the past 6-7 weeks it has been difficult to even get through a complete day at work.  I signed up for a gym membership today.  They are building a new Planet Fitness in the city that I live in so I am excited and a little disappointed all at the same time.  After signing up I read that they do not provide any type of child care, they say that is to keep their costs down, but I would rather pay a little more and actually be able to go....then pay less and not be able to go.
My BF and I (actually just myself) signed on our new place this weekend.  A 3 bedroom 2 bath, which is huge compared to the 1 bedroom 1 bath we have all been sharing in his moms house.  We started moving stuff in already and are super excited to get the final pieces moved in this coming weekend if not before.  And while I guess I should be more happy, I am kinda down in the dumps lately.  Finances, car issues....I think I have some type of issues with vehicles.  The brakes went out in my car, so I was driving my BF's car....Saturday the fuel pump went out in it.  So his mechanic let me drive his car today, I am just keeping my fingers crossed that nothing happens to it today while it is in my possession.  If it wasn't for bad luck I would have no luck at all.
On top of moving stress, vehicle stress, I also have to move my son to another school which worries me.  He did really bad his first round of kindergarten. His second go round at a different school he did great, then first grade this year has been great this year, so I just hope that this new school will be able to provide him with the care and attention he needs.
On and lets not forget that my so called BF won't help with anything.  Yes he is suppose to be getting the cars fixed, but I could have had that done myself.  When I ask him to help with my son he won't, I am paying all the bills right now as he is not working and he won't even help me with daycare.  It is so frustrating.  We had a plan....I paid the bills until he found a job and he helped me with daycare, so we wouldn't have that expense.  But it seems that I am going to have to stretch every penny to pay everything while he runs with his friends all day and night....why do I need him around again???  Better question would be....why do I want him around??

So I am 8 weeks out today and have lost 48 pounds, which is AMAZING  But when I look in the mirror I can't see a difference.  My clothes seem to be a little looser but nothing major.  I haven't bought any new clothes since surgery so I don't know if I am losing inches or what.  I read the stories about people losing so much weight by their 6-8 month and when I look at myself I don't see it happening.  If I have lost 48 pounds already and can't tell anywhere what is it going to be like in 6-8 months?  The scale also has not been my friend lately.  At my lowest weight so far which was 253 I was excited, today I weighed and was 254.  It is frustrating.  I know that I am not doing good with my protein but I do try.  I try to track my food on sparkpeople, but sometimes I forget.  Sometimes I eat junk just because it is something that stays down better than the more healthy options.  Maybe that is why I see the scale dancing up and down all the time?  Who knows. 

Before surgery I was an emotional eater.  When I was happy, sad, depressed, excited, etc I would eat.  Well since surgery (7 weeks ago) I am happy to say that my emotions have stayed fairly normal.  Until this morning when me and the annoying BF got in to it.  Have you ever been around someone that you just KNOW is doing wrong??  You don't trust them?? And they are so very sneaky???  That is my BF of 2 years.  I have put in my time, love, money, heart, and soul into the relationship....and I am getting NOTHING in return.  So today it hit the fan.  I am tired, because he runs all evening and comes home late and then wants to talk or hang out.  I am the only one working so every morning I get up tired and frustrated because I didn't get enough sleep the night before.  The frustrating thing is that 2 years ago he knew all this, he supposedly took time to get to know me before saying that he wanted a relationship with me so why is it now....2 years later that he wonders why I am so upset?
Today I have been attacking the Pringles.  We have no healthy snacks at work and I left the house in a mad dash to get away from him that I didn't bring anything.  This happens of course the same day that the scale finally moves and drops 2 pounds.  It is so unfair.  I waited for his man for 2 years, and when it is his turn to show me that he is ready to be in this relationship and ready to be a family with me and my son he falls short.  Actually short is sugar coated, he actually isn't trying at all.  He would rather hang our with his "people" as he calls them.  These same people haven't done a single thing for him the past 2 years.  And don't get me wrong, I am not asking for diamonds and expensive dinners (although that would be nice).  We can we have dinner together...Ill even cook!  Can we sit down at a normal time and watch a movie?  Can we go for a walk before it gets midnight?  Can we go around together and look for houses (he wants to move next month).  Can we go to a movie, or out to dinner (I will pay)?  Nope...he doesn't have time for any of those things.  His homeboys and his "people" are more important.  I ask him to pick my son up from day care last night so I could finish my taxes...he calls me as I am leaving the office and says, "make your appointment quick because I have to go get a haircut".  So I rushed through my tax appointment so I could get my son on time.  It is the little things that matter so much, and his total lack of attention is ruining our so called relationship.  He never says anything nice, but he is quick to be disrespectful or tell you that you are doing something wrong.  He hasn't commented once on my weight loss, but I have clients and other people that comment all the time.  He is suppose to be my man, I am suppose to be able to talk to him about anything, yet I can't tell him anything!

So needless to say today I am sad, broken hearted.  I hate calling it quits when I have put so much of myself into it, but he leaves me with no choice.  So today...Pringles are my very best friend....and tomorrow when the scale jumps back up...at least I will know why! 

Wow these past 7 weeks have went by quick.  Yesterday started regular foods, which is ironic because yesterday I couldn't keep anything down.  Liquids didn't even want to stay down, I don't know if I was drinking too fast or what.  I tried a tortilla pizza, I tried talipia which I had eaten before, nothing worked.  The juice I had been drinking the day before wouldn't even stay down.  I finally just laid down to take a nap and when I work up I was able to eat some soup and water stayed down fine.  So I am not sure what was going on.  This morning I had some hummus and cracker thins, they stayed down fine as well.  
As of today I have lost  46 pounds....which I am SO not happy about .  I have read the stories and people at 7 weeks out have typically lost more than 46 pounds.  So what is going on with me?  It is frustrating to be nibbling on food like it is nothing and to not lose the weight.  I have heard that our body is in starvation mode, ok so why am I not losing weight?  I do understand that I cannot drink the protein shakes, but I am getting it in by the foods that I eat.  So why is the scale not moving faster?  I am not complaining of course, because I have never lost 46 pounds in 7 weeks but still.  It seems to be dropping off rather slowly.
I also wonder if stress can be a factor in weight loss?  For the past 2 weeks I have been extremely stressed out.  I do find that blogging does help relieve some of the tension....so I pour it out here.  Some things are not WLS related though.  But at least I get it off my chest and am able to move on with the rest of my day.

 So everyone knows that this surgery is a "tool" for weight loss.  And if we work our "tool" correctly we can succeed in losing a lot of weight.  But some days are harder than others.  I HATE protein shakes .  So I have tried to get my protein in by eating cheese, and other foods that are high in protein.  It is very difficult though when I sit down to eat and 4 bites later I don't want anymore.  In the last 2 days the only thing that has stayed down was a hamburger patty that I ate last night.  So basically for 2 days I had no food in my stomach.  Everything I ate came back up....everything.  I start regular foods on Monday, this past week has been soft foods which as been really rough.  Taking small bites is very hard, chewing till the food is nothing is hard, putting my fork/spoon down between bites is hard, and not drinking while eating....is super hard.
With my romantic relationship basically down the toilet I guess I have to start focusing on me again.  For the last few years everything has revolved around HIM.   I have been jumping through hoops to try and make him happy and I have taken the back burner.  I haven't been taking my vitamins, I haven't been eating right, I haven't been resting, and I haven't been exercising.  I had a stall that lasted a week, it ended I lost like 2 pounds, and now I am back in yet another stall.  It is annoying and ridiculous.  When I had this surgery I told myself that I was going to work my butt off to make sure that I was a success story.  I had so many motivations at the time to lose the weight and be a healthier person.  I feel now that I have let go of some of those motivations to try and be there for a man that isn't there for me.  And then this morning it hit me (reality, like a ton of bricks).  I cannot change this man, I cannot make him do or not do anything.  He lives his life, he does what he wants to do when he wants to do it, so why am I sitting around waiting for him to want to spend time with me?  When I could be at the gym or out taking a walk, or playing with my son, or doing homework, or even overtime at the job.  I could be doing something productive, but instead I sit around and wait for him everyday like a lost puppy.
Change is hard.  But sometimes change is necessary.  The only thing I can control is myself, and I need to start working on that instead of being so focused on trying to make this man do right.  I feel refreshed, like I finally get it.   Hope I can hold on to this feeling and keep moving in the right direction.